Choking Jokes
93 choking jokes and hilarious choking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about choking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Choking jokes are a lighthearted way to poke fun at a serious issue – the choking hazard. Learn more about the history of choking jokes, the Leafs' infamous reputation for "choking," and how to save someone from choking with CPR and the Heimlich maneuver.
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Funniest Choking Short Jokes
Short choking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The choking humour may include short choked jokes also.
- My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming, I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!
- Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
- I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help. She took the words right out of my mouth.
- Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves... Apparently they are a choking hazard.
- Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color? If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!
- The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands
- A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
- Blue Elephant How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
Choke it until it becomes blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. - This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week... Worst running gag ever.
- They say you can choke on a tea-spoon of water, so I thought I'd test it out... The water went down fine, but the spoon nearly killed me.
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Choking One Liners
Which choking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with choking? I can suggest the ones about chewing and drowning.
- What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl? No loli gaggin'
- What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *-Choking noises-*
- My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food It's an old gag
- Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball? She didn't want to choke!
- What do you call people with a penchant for choking. Asphixionados
- Why do depressed girls give the best head? Because they are trying to choke themselves.
- Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte. - Dr Heimlich died today I'm all choked up
- My friend Arty is allergic to vegetables Arty-chokes on them.
- My friend told me that vegetables can be art Art? I choked.
- I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it Talk about a paneer-death experience
- What did Cinderella say as she was approaching the ball? *makes choking sounds*
- What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball? She choked.
- My last girlfriend choked to death. It was a terrible blow.
- My last girlfriend choked to death That was a tough blow
Choking Hazard Jokes
Here is a list of funny choking hazard jokes and even better choking hazard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew. It was a choking hazard.
- What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson. One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy
- What should you say when your girlfriend thinks your D is small. Tell her small things are a choking hazard
- I was putting on a Warriors jersey... But my friend said "that's a choking hazard."
- Why didn't the toy manufacturer do it with his wife tonight? Small parts are choking hazards.
- What do you say when you see a Chelsea winger strangling someone? Choking Hazard
- If I was a toy then what toy would I be? Choking hazard for 12 and below.
- After today, I'm not letting my kids play with penguins.... I didn't realize they were a choking hazard.
Delightful Fun Choking Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about choking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strangle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make choking pranks.
My Grandmother died in my arms the other night...
...I wasn't even choking her that hard.
What do you do when a girl is choking?
You move back a little.
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
What do you do if someone's choking?
Pull back a few inches
What do you do when a girl is choking?
Back up a few inches.
Just been reading how more people die from choking on sweets' packaging than the sweets themselves.
Gums don't kill people, wrappers do.
Taking that CPR class before Highschool...
Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought.
I'm a cop and I got caught choking the chicken in public
I was revoked of my badge and sentenced to three years jail time. The chicken filed a civil rights suit and received 3 million in reparations
Tyson Chicken Factory Farm Caught On Hidden Camera Torturing And Neglecting Animals
I guess they were caught choking the chicken?
Help! I have food stuck in my t**...!
Haha, just choking!
What did the man say to the suffocating clown?
You've got to be choking
I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare.
Excessive choking.
A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant.
The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.
A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.
The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"
How do you help a choking pig?
With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
Conversation with my Dad.
Me: "The teacher was talking about strangling a student today!"
Dad:"She was probably just choking."
How do you help someone choking on nerve gas?
Give 'em the Heinrich Maneuver.
In honour of canadian thanksgiving...
I will be tickling the turkey instead of choking the chicken all day today
Someone just called me materialistic.
I felt like choking them with my Vivienne Westwood belt.
Doc, I swallowed a chicken bone.
"Are you choking?"
"No I'm serious!"
The inventor of the heimlich maneuver has died at the age of 96.
Ironically enough, everyone at his f**... was choking back tears.
What did the Princess do when she got to the ball?
*Makes choking noise*
It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species
They've got an extreme choking problem.
Why are people offended by Darth Vader's Choke holds?
He is only choking around.
My wife was in a coma. The doctor says to me, "There's one way to wake her up, but its a little unconventional. You go in there and you have o**... s**... with her"
I said "By God".
He says "I've seen it work"
So i go in there, I'm in there about five minutes and i come out.
I say, "Doc, shes choking"
Choking Hazard.
Jim: I once saw a man choke to death right in front of my very eyes.
Nancy: God that must have been awful, did you try to save him with the Heimlich manoeuvre?
Jim: I couldn't at the time, my hands were wrapped tightly around his t**....
A lady in my home town just died from choking on a sausage.
That's gotta be the wurst way to go.
My wife was in a coma for 6 months and the doctor told me that although it's unconventional that I could try o**... to wake her up so I decided to give it a try but after 5 minutes I gave up and the doctor asked what happened...
She just kept choking.
What does a tsundere wookie mom gasp when she sees her baby choking on food?
Chew baka
My girlfriend hates giving blow jobs. She feels like she's choking and can't breathe.
I told her it's all in her head, but that made things worse.
I went out on a date with a Georgia/Falcons fan
She seemed really k**... when I talked with her. She's really into choking
Gav, an old friend of mine recently passed away by choking on a heartburn tablet
I still can't believe gaviscon
Life saving home remedies: if you ever find yourself choking on an ice cube.......
Quick drink a cup of boiling water
In California, what do you do to someone choking at Disneyland?
You perform the Anaheimlich Maneuver
Thank you
If choking is an integral part of b**... s**...
Darth Vader was one helluva k**... guy
What did the guy say who didn't swollow his food correctly?
Nothing
haha, just choking.
"Help! A snake is choking me!"
"No I'm not!", said the boa contradictor.
My wife went into a coma
Doctor: "I'm afraid there's only one way to save her"
Husband: " I'm willing to try anything"
Doctor: " the only you can save her is by going in there and having o**... s**.... I know it doesn't make sense but I've seen it work, trust me. "
Husband: " my god! If there's a chance it could save her, I'll do it doctor"
5 minutes later
Husband: "doc i think there's a problem, she's choking!"
How do you stop a Jew from Choking?
You let him out of the Gas Chamber.
What did the EMT say to the choking guy at Taco Bell?
Live más.
Use the words chicken, nut, and bread in one sentence.
When my sister got pregnant, my Filipino mother told my dad to stop choking her because chicken nut bread.
What's the number one cause of death in mimes?
Choking
My cousin told me she choked on a mozzarella stick at a local restaurant, and I laughed so hard I cried.
The choking wasn't her biggest problem considering it was a Mexican restaurant...
How do you help a pig that's choking on something?
With the Hamlich manoeuvre.
What did the priest think while choking on a pancake?
Holy Crepe!
My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to s**... a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.
He was just choking a round.
A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........
.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'
Did you know that choking on a single cube of water is i**... in some places?
It's referred to as an obstruction of just ice.
I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out Help, does anyone know CPR?! Yes! I cried. They're three letters in the alphabet! Everyone laughed
Well, except for o**..., I guess he didn't get the joke.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?
DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.
DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She started choking
Did you know that according to 911...
Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."
What does a Jewish person do if they see someone choking?
They use the L'chaimlich maneuver
What do you give a sheep that's choking?
Sheep. P. R.
Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.
A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.
One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.
With that, the cowboy lifts up her dress, pulls down her p**..., and licks her bare b**.... She gets so flustered she spits out the olive and he saves her life.
As the cowboy sits down next to his friend he says, "That there hind lick maneuver works every time."
One day in a busy restaurant, a man began to choke on something he had eaten.
Without hesitation, another man jumped up, ran over, pulled the choking man's pants down, and started eating his a**.... The choking man was so shocked and disgusted that he started to gag, miraculously expelling the blockage. His life saved, he thanked the other man profusely and asked how he had known that his unexpected actions would be effective.
The other man replied, "I thought everyone knew the hind lick maneuver..."
