Uproarious Choices Jokes to Share with Friends
So I got home late last night, and my wife says, "Would you like some supper?"
I say, "Oh, yes! What are the choices?"
"Yes, or no."
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
It was mealtime on an airplane...
...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.
Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
Choices and Consequences
A man and his wife are having dinner for their tenth wedding anniversary. Suddenly the man bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" the wife asks.
"I was just thinking," the man says, "about when I asked you to marry me. Your father came to me and said 'I know about all that money you embezzled from work. If you don't marry that ugly daughter of mine, I'm turning you in." The man cries harder as he says "And if I'd turned him down I'd be a free man now!"
What did the fat p**... say to the skinny p**...?
"We really should have made better life choices."
I'm not sure how I feel about Pro Choice.
I mean, I am all for dead babies, but I don't like giving women choices...
Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's....
Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
If someone wants to date me, I don't want to date them.
Because they obviously make bad life choices.
You can explore choices lifestyle reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean choices selection dad jokes. There are also choices puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
There might be plenty of good food choices in College..
.. but you can't Top Ramen
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar.
They ask the bartender, "What have you got?"
The bartender points to two taps.
They say, "What? That's it?! We don't like either of those choices!"
The bartender says, "Now you know how I feel."
Occam's Disposable Razor
When given multiple equally valid choices, choose the one that costs the least money.
I am satisfied with my life choices. I no longer pay for rent, food, electricity and blow jobs...
not until my jail term ends...
Job choices for Asians
1. Doctor
2. Lawyer
3. Engineer
4. Shame of family
The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices:
You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.
Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices
We all forgot about it
You walk into a gas station to buy a salad
You have two choices: regular or unlettuced.
I'm Pro Life
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for killing babies, I just don't like to let women make choices.
I was pulled offstage and beaten mercilessly while singing karaoke at a bar in Hiroshima, Japan
In hindsight, maybe "I Dropped a Bomb on You", wasn't the wisest of song choices.
A guy is on a trip on a small airline.
The stewardess says, Would you like dinner?
He says, What are my choices?
She says, Yes or no.
I read an interesting sociology paper about how your name can affect your career choices.
Written By Prof. Nominative Determinism.
[Game of Thrones] If you give Littlefinger two choices...
He'll always prefer the ladder
Wife: "Would you like dinner?"
Husband: "What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or No"
People often find themselves contemplating past life choices before they do something immensely s**....
Which has me worried because I'm constantly thinking about the choices I've made in life.
Why are vampires such terrible people?
They can't reflect on their choices.
Poor Half Time Advertisment Choices During World Cup
An advert for Durex condoms during Half Time really brings a new meaning to "Come on England!"
A transgender four year old is like a vegan cat.
We all know who's making the lifestyle choices.
Wendy's used to advertise that there was 256 possible ways to order a burger.
That's not very impressive. That's only a byte size of choices.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
Why does Thanos Car have top of the line tires?
The hardest choices require the strongest of wheels.
I like my women like I like my alcohol
Responsible for a fair majority of my terrible life choices
To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...
You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now
Wife says to her hubby what do you want for dinner ?
The hubby says what's my choices?
The wife says Yes or No.
My local p**... is thinking about switching professions
She's been rethinking all of her whoreable life choices
The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town
I guess she was having a midwife crisis
I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.
There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,
"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""
In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife
"You're too fat"
A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.
He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.
Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."
Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"
I'm still undecided for the upcoming election...
But I've narrowed my choices down to Mexico or Canada based on moving costs.
In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...
Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).
Both were denied.
This is actually true.
Why'd the chicken cross the road
Because it can make its own life choices
Choices
A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an e**... popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super s**...?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."
TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."
I feel so smart knowing about this.
Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.
They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.
I can't decide between Star Trek popsicles or a Star Trek ice cube mold..
both choices have their frozen Khans.
Bad news
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.
Cargo space? he asks.
The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, Car no do that... car go road.
A guy walks into bar
"Can I get you a beer?" the bartender asks. "What are my choices?" the guy asks. "Yes or no," the bartender replies.
This is 40
Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. She was having a midwife crisis.
