Choice Jokes

What are some Choice jokes?

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."

Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.

He replies, "I had no choice"

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

I'm a virgin by choice.

Not my choice, but everyone else's.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

I'm a virgin by choice!

Just not my choice.

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

After the airplane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather let a dozen whores rape me than let alcohol touch my lips"

The Irishman then handed his drink back and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

I'm single by choice

Just not my choice.

I am proud to be single by choice

Not my choice, but still...

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

I'm undecided about abortion

on one side it's killing babies and I'm all for that, but it gives women a choice. Do we really want that?

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Good choice.

Me: To make a woman laugh is the second best method to get her to sleep with you.

Her: And what is the best method?

Me: Chloroform.

Her: You are funny!

Me: Good choice.

How to do Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No!

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.

Son: Ok then.


Dad goes to Bill Gates.

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No!

Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.

Bill Gates: Ok then.



Dad goes to the president of the World Bank

Dad: Make my son the CEO of your bank.

President: No!

Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates.

President: Ok then.

What are your views on abortion?

I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.

I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

Handjobs are like Pepsi.

Never your first choice but you'll take it anyway.

I got banned from a Christian dating site

I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.

I am single by choice.

Choice of 2 billion women.

Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...

He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

I'm a virgin by choice!

Not my choice though :(

I'm so torn on abortion...

On one hand, it kills babies, which I'm for. On the other hand, it gives women a choice, which I'm against.

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?

Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.

Police Officer: And?

Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.

Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!

Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.

Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.

The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"

Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."

Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant

"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.

"I'll have the steak", says Putin.

"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.

"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

World peace or all of Bill Gates' money?

If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

Little Johnny was made fun of...

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.

The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."

The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.

The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."

The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.

As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

IT Students

An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes Nice bike. Where did you get it?

The first student says, The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said 'Take anything you want!'

The first student says, So I took the bike .

The second student says, Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit .

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman is trained with a sword, and knows that his opponent is skilled with a firearm. As such, he chooses to give himself the advantage. "I choose to duel with swords!"

The challenger nods at this choice. "Very well then." He hands both swords to his opponent. "Here are your swords. That just leaves me with the guns."

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary!

His voting machines didn't really give me a choice.

I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food

I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.

Starving Men On An Island

There are two starving men stranded on an island with only a rusty old knife. The first man says, Well, I think our only choice is to eat each other's legs. We're not walking around, anyway. And we need food . The other man agrees. So the first man begins sawing and crudely cutting the other man's legs off. I after about an hour of excruciating pain, the second man's legs are completely off of his body, so he says, Okay, your turn. Give me the knife . So the first jumps up and runs away with the second man's legs, saying, You'll have to catch me first!

Your wife and your lawyer are drowning. You have a choice to make:

Lunch or the movies?

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle

Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."Β 

Think about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth.

It's unsettling

Choose Wisely...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

A Mexican Joke

A Mexican man finds a much needed job and asks the owner to hire him. The owner says he'll hire him ONLY if he can come up with a sentence using 3 words of his choice. The words are Green, Pink and Yellow. So the Mexican thinks for a second then replies (read in a Spanish accent) the phone goes Green Green, so I Pink it up and say Yellow?


Jajaja

Kirby is like a condom

He's a safe choice when Smashing

If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...

I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.

My dog loves to chase people on bikes.

I finally had no choice but to take his bike away.

A rancher dies.

A rancher dies and leaves the ranch to his wife. She, not being able to handle the responsibility of caring for the ranch, is forced to hire a ranch hand. The only available candidate happens to be a gay man, to whom she is fairly prejudiced. But left with no choice, she hires him. It turns out to be a great decision. He's really good. The ranch is well maintained and the animals are happy and healthy. As a reward, she tells him to take the night off. 'Go into town and enjoy yourself,' she says. And so he does. But by midnight, he's still not home.
12:30...
1:00...
1:30... nothing...
2:00 in the morning, he finally walks in the door, and she's waiting for him. She's sitting in an easy chair, by the fireplace. She's got a cigarette in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, sipping it by candlelight. He walks in. She says to him...
'Take off my blouse'
He's a bit taken a back, and quite frankly, a little uncomfortable, but he does it.
'Now, take off my skirt'
Again, he's uncomfortable but, again, he does it.
'Take off my bra.'
Now, he's visibly nervous, but this is his boss, so, he goes ahead and does it.
'Now, take off my panties.'
By this point, he's noticeably upset and uncomfortable, but he does it.
'And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Today, a midget insulted me, so I had no choice but to punch him in the face...

I never thought I'd stoop so low

Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.

"What? How?" Guy exclaims.

"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."

"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

I dont know where I stand on abortion

I like killing babies but don't like giving women a choice

As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."

Two guys are drinking and driving....

... and come across sobriety test check point. They see this from a distance, but cannot turn around and have no choice but to go through. One guy starts panicking, but the other is calm and collected. The calm and collected guys tells the other to pull over before they proceed; he has a plan. For starters, his plan included drinking all of the beer -- confused, the panicking guy goes along thinking how much more trouble can he be in. After all of the beer was gone the panicky guy asks, what now? The other guy tells him to peel of the beer sticker and put it on his arm. Still confused, he complies. They roll up to the check point and the cop asks them if they have been drinking. The calm and collected guy says, no sir, we're on the patch.

What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?"

"A choice" is a decision you make.

"To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.

A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle down 30 girls to 1.

After a few rounds he has reduced 30 down to 5. Ann, Kira, Gee, Beth and Kaitlin still remain.

"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have five contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"

Theres a long silence as the man thinks for a minute...

"Will it be Beth or Kaitlin... Maybe Kira... or perhaps you would prefer Ann or Gee?" asks the presenter

The man thinks a little longer, then replies, "Yes. Yes I would!"

Tortilla chips

So, a guy walks into a mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."



The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."



Starting to freak out, the guy says to the waiter "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!" Waiter says "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."

Old joke, still funny

A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have? In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire? The student eyes light up and immediately replies, I wish I had gotten that question right, and the universe explodes.

How to make Choice puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Choice to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Choice? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Choice pick up lines to share with friends.

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