Heartwarming Chocolate Jokes that Make You Laugh
Finish what you start!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
A lady walks into an ice cream shop.
"Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.
"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach her a lesson.
"Ma'am, do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
"Yes," she says.
"Do you also see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"I do."
"Ma'am, do you see the 'frick' in chocolate?"
"There's no 'frick' in chocolate..."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"
I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
An older couple is watching tv...
And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"
My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
A disabled kid goes out to the ice cream man...
...and says, "Mithster can I've an Icth Cream??" and the Ice Cream man says "Of course you can, what would you like on it? chocolate sauce?, strawberry sauce?, a flake?" and the kid replys "It doethn't matter, I'll jutht drop it anyway"
What's Snoop Dogg's favourite chocolate bar?
Sniggas.
Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently?
The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!
An Affair
I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella
My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab.
Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
You can explore chocolate dessert reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chocolate treat dad jokes. There are also chocolate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What does a box of chocolate and life have in common?
They don't last long for fat people.
What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and milk? Chocolate milk! What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and chocolate milk?
Diabetes
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
Last Halloween
Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."
Egyptian joke
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
So a tech support has a house call...
When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."
Chinese magican
Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk?
A mootation
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate
The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...
A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 132 years"
The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business!".
New machine at the gym
There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.
The Planets
71% water + 29% land = Earth
100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars
100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus
100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury
100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto
100% gas = Uranus
The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.
Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate
Everyone got a piece
I grew up in a rough part of town...
The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
Why did people make white chocolate?
So black kids could get dirty faces too.
There was a new machine at the gym...
After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...
When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...
I have a couple twix up my sleeve
A boy was eating chocolate...
A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
My wife and I were stuck in traffic.
She said, "I'm turning round."
"I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate."
Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!
The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!
I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.
I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand.
I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.
Chocolate is bad
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea...
I find it off pudding.
Kids these days are so stupid
They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van
A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's?
A chocolate shake.
A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate
He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"
BREAKING NEWS!
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.
I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog
After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.
What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?
Cacao
Charlie couldn't believe he was being let into the chocolate factory...
His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.
Archaeologists have recently found a mummy while excavating a tomb in Egypt
Oddly enough, the mummy was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rosher.
Breaking news from Egypt: they found a tomb covered in chocolate and nuts.
They said it was a Pharaoh Rocher.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?
Chocolate Chip Wookiee
What sound does a chocolate gun make?
Cacao!
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'
Exes are like chocolate.
They'll kill your dog.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?
So that it'll fit inside the box.
Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.
They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...
So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?
So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old
-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?
-No, it's because he minded his own business.
Guy walks into an ice cream shop
And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says Careful son, you're heading down a rocky road.
Old lady on the bus
she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.
Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".
"That's a bit odd, why do you buy them if you can't eat them?" Driver says.
Old lady replies "I only like the chocolate coating"
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.
An old grandma brings a bus driver
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ...
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?
An idiot. You call them an idiot.
Sad News At The Nestle Factory
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered
A woman was working at a nursing home
One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.
Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his family brings them for him, but he doesn't like them.
So the woman said, well if you don't like them, you should tell them, so they stop bringing them for you! And the old man said no that's ok, I like the chocolate, just not the almonds inside.
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."
I sexually identify as chocolate
My pronouns are Her-She
Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs."
A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…
A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:
Why don't you eat them yourself?
To which the old lady replies
I don't have any teeth, look
So the driver looking confused then asks
So why do you buy them then?
The old lady gives a nice smile and responds
I just enjoy the chocolate coating around them
I identify as a chocolate bar
My pronouns are her/shey
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Back in my day
Back in my day you use to be able to go into a Shop with £1.00 and come out with 2 Chocolate Bars and a Packed Of Crisps, but now these days they have Cameras.
They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts
The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher
What did the cat have for dessert?
A chocolate mousse
What is a lesbian's most favorite chocolate?
Her/she's kisses.
Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate
If that's true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?
What's a trans woman's favorite kind of chocolate?
Her/she
Why do trans women go by she/her?
Because if they went by her/she they'd be chocolate
I've lived on Mars for years
However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health
How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?
Take the spoon out of the glass.
I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…
… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.
What is Lightning McQueen's favourite chocolate snack?
CACAO!
Trick or Treat!
A small boy dressed as a pirate knocked on my door last night.
I opened the door and he waved his sword & said "Trick or Treat"
I said " Oh look a pirate, but where are your buccaneers ? "
He took the chocolate bar & replied " Under my buckin hat "
Whats a girls favourite brand of chocolate?
Her/She.
Three children were walking on a mountain when found a magical slide.
Next to it, there was a sign that said, whatever you wish for comes true when you slide down . The first child stepped up, slid down, and wished for a river of chocolate. And voila, he swam in his chocolate river! The second child slid down and wished for a mountain of money. His wish came true too. Then the third child slid down and, forgetting the rules, said weeeeeeeeee!
I was making a mocha in the barn
when I spilled some hot chocolate mix. I used my fingers to turn the mess into a rough picture of my pet rooster.
Shortly thereafter, the rooster himself strolled by, looked at my sketch and made a cocoa doodle too.
