chocolate Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious chocolate puns

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

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Chocolate is bad

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

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I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

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Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

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Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's?

A chocolate shake.

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A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

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A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

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Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

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A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

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Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

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Doctor's advice

A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No, but it will seem longer"

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A man sits down on a park bench...

and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar. The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate." The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 years old." The man asks, "How did he do that? Did he eat a lot of chocolate too?" The boy replies with, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

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God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

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What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

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A boy was eating chocolate...

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said

"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"

"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.

"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously

"No. He knew how to mind his own business."

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A duck sees a pig eating something.

"What are you eating?"

"A chocolate cake"

"Why does it smell like shit then?"

"I'm eating it for the third time"

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Chinese magican

Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

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My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate

Everyone got a piece

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I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

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Life is like a box of chocolate...

... it doesn't last long for fat people.

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Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'

Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'

Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'

Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and

Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.

After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'

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A gallon of chocolate ice cream

A heavy set woman walks into an ice cream store and orders a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says "ma'am, i'm so sorry, but we just ran out of chocolate."
Now this heavy set woman is an executive-type, and she is hungry and in a hurry, she says "Look asshole, give me a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream and I'll pay for it and be on my way."
The guy behind the counter says, "ma'am, I'm sure you didn't hear me, but we are totally out of chocolate ice cream."
The woman is now pissed off, "Listen douchebag, give me a scoop of chocolate ice cream, put some sprinkles and gummie bears on it and I'll pay for it and be out of your life forever."
The long suffering clerk leans back and thinks for a minute before responding. "Ma'am, can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"
She says, "Of course I can. V-A-N."
He goes, "OK, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"
She says, "Yeah, that's easy. S-T-R-A-W."
He replies, "Alright, well can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"
She says, "There's no fuckin chocolate."
The clerk says "Yeah, that's what I've been telling you for the last five minutes."

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate...

They'll kill your dog.

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Six chocolate bars

An old man, sitting on his porch one nice day, sees a chubby little boy walk down the street to the store. On the way back the boy is carrying six chocolate bars, and proceeds to sit down not far from the old man's lawn, peel open the chocolate bar wrappers one by one and eat the candy inside. When the boy is on his fourth chocolate bar the old man can't contain himself any longer.

Marching over to the boy he says, "Son, you just can't eat like that. You're going to get fat, you're going to be unhealthy, you're going to die too young!"

The boy looks up at him and says, "Well, my Grandfather lived to be 96 years old."

The old man says, "Yes, and did he eat six candy bars at a time?"

And the boy replied "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"

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I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

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An Affair

I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella

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The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.

Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"

Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."

Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"

Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

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New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.

I guess there is life on Mars after all.

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A boy and a girl are sitting next to each other

Boy: If you let me kiss you, I'll give you a piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay.

Boy: If you let me touch your boobs, you'll get another piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay!

Boy: If you let me touch your pussy, you'll get another one.

Girl: You know what? At this rate, I'll have diabetes by the time we finally fuck!

(translated from German)

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Why did people make white chocolate?

So black kids could get dirty faces too.

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Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

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What does a box of chocolate and life have in common?

They don't last long for fat people.

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What sound does a chocolate gun make?

Cacao!

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Exes are like chocolate.

They'll kill your dog.

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My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab.

Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.

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A Lady Walks Into an Ice Cream Shop...

And asks for some chocolate ice cream. The clerk tells her that they are currently out of chocolate ice cream, so she walks out.

An hour later, the same lady comes back and asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. Once again, the clerk tells her that they are fresh out of chocolate ice cream.

Another hour later, the lady comes in and requests just one scoop of chocolate ice cream. The clerk says:

"Lady, can you spell "van" like in "vanilla"?"

"V-A-N"

"Good. Now can you spell "straw" like in "strawberry"?"

"S-T-R-A-W"

"Perfect. Now, can you spell "fuck" like in "chocolate"?"

The lady thinks about it for a second, and looks confused. She then replies "There is no fuck in chocolate"

"That's EXACTLY what I'm trying to tell you!!!"

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There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

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Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea...

I find it off pudding.

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I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg

so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

A woman walks into an ice cream shop.

She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."

The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."

She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll have a quart of chocolate, please."

The guy looks back at her a bit confused, "No, I'm sorry. It's not the quantity, we are completely out of chocolate right now."

The woman says, "Oh ok... well then I suppose I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

The guy is bewildered. He responds, "Lady, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"

"Umm... Of course, S-T-R-A-W"

"Very good. Now can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"

She responds, "Well, yes... V-A-N"

He smiles and says, "Perfect. But now can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"

She furrows her brow, "But there is no 'fuck' in chocolate!"

He goes, "I know, lady that's what I've been trying to tell you!"

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5 minutes into watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory and I'm craving chocolate

This is why I can't watch breaking bad

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Egyptian joke

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

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A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.

"Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream"

"Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream."

"Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream."

"Alright. Then can I have a quart of chocolate ice cream?"

"Ma'am. How do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?""

"V-A-N"

"And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?""

"S-T-R-A-W"

"And how do you spell the "fuck" in "chocolate?""

"...There is no fuck in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time."

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A lady walks into an ice cream shop.

"Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.
"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach her a lesson.
"Ma'am, do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
"Yes," she says.
"Do you also see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"I do."
"Ma'am, do you see the 'frick' in chocolate?"
"There's no 'frick' in chocolate..."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

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My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

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Charlie couldn't believe he was being let into the chocolate factory...

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.

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Little Johnny gets on a bus eating a chocolate bar *NSFW*

Bus driver: you know you shouldn't eat chocolate all the time

Johnny : my grandfather lived to be 94

Bus driver : and he did that by eating chocolate every day?

Johnny : no, by minding his own fucking business

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The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.

Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.

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Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts

Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like chocolate.

They kill your dog.

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A kid is sitting on a bench, eating candy bars

When a man walks over and sits down on the bench next to the kid. He looks over with a disgusted look and says,

You know kid, you're gonna die really young if you eat that many chocolate bars.

To which the kid replies, Oh, well my grandpa lived to be 105.

Surprised, the man asks, Eating that many chocolate bars?

No, minding his own fucking business.

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Three men go to heaven, and St. Peter says they are full....

...so they are transported down to hell. The devil, being a reasonable guy, apologizes for the mistake, and promises to set each man up with a room filled with whatever they want. The first man asks for a room full of chocolate, which the devil procures, and closes the door behind him. The second man asks for a room full of beautiful women, the devil agrees, and shows him into the room. The third man requests a room full of Marijuana. The devil shows him in, and says "Ok, I'll check on you in 10,000 years."

When the devil comes back, he open the first day to find a huge fat man, covered in chocolate, and enjoying himself. He open the second door, and sees a bunch of pregnant women, and babies.

When the devil open the third door, the man jumps out, and grabs the devil by the collar. He screams:

"GOT A LIGHT?"

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An old man was laying on his death bed

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

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Cookies

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......
"Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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A girl once said to me, "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate"

I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry"

- Doug Stanhope

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BREAKING NEWS!

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.

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Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

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When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...

I have a couple twix up my sleeve

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Man goes into ice cream shop...

Man goes into ice cream shop and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, we are all out of chocolate, but we have strawberry, vanilla, and 29 other flavors." The man says, "ok, how about a chocolate sundae?" The clerk replies, "um, I'm sorry sir, but we are all out of chocolate, but we have strawberry, vanilla, and 29 other flavors." The man then says, "ok just give me a chocolate milkshake."

The clerk, exasperated says, "Look man, can you spell?"
Man: "uh, sure, I'm a school teacher."
Clerk: "OK, spell STRAW in strawberry"
Man: "s.t.r.a.w."
Clerk: "OK, spell VAN in vanilla"
Man: "v.a.n."
Clerk: "Now spell FUCK in chocolate"
Man: "but...there's no fuck in chocolate"
Clerk: "That's what I've been trying to tell you!!"

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What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk?

A mootation

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3 Guys find a Genie in an Indoor swimming pool.

Genie: "Okay, all of you will get on the springboard, say what they wish to be in the pool it will be in there."

Max: "I want money!" And so he jumps in a pool of money.

Peter: "I want Chocolate" and so he jumps into a pool of chocolate.

Carl slips off the springboard and screams "SHIT!"

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A guy asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream

The clerk says, sorry we don't have any chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry

Guy says ok just give me a 1/2 gallon of chocolate

Clerk says again, we have no chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry

Guy says ok just give me a pint of chocolate then

Now the clerk says ok mister do me a favor, spell the van in vanilla

Guy V-A-N, why?

Clerk that's good, now spell the straw in strawberry

Guy S-T-R-A-W, I don't get it?

Clerk doing great, now spell the fuck in chocolate

Guy um, there is no fuck in chocolate

Clerk that's what I've been saying, THERE IS NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!

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A guy goes into the barber shop

He's spending the day with his 9 year old daughter because his wife is in rehab. They've been shopping, walking around the mall, etc. To keep her occupied during his hair cut he bought her a chocolate muffin. The little girl goes in and sits right next to the barber chair and starts to unwrap the treat.

"Sweetheart," says the barber, "you're going to get hair on your muffin."










"I know," says the little girl. "I'm gonna get tits, too."

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What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?

Chocolate Chip Wookiee

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I took my grandson camping

On the drive to the camp spot, I lit up a cigar. He looks at me and asks "Can I try a puff?" I replied "Well, let me ask you something, can your dick touch your asshole?" He shook his head. "Then ya ain't old enough.

During camp setup I cracked open a beer. He asks if he can have one too. "Well, let me ask you again, can your dick touch your asshole?" Again he shook his head. "Then ya ain't old enough" I tell him again.

After dinner, sitting by the camp fire, he brings out some nice looking chocolate chip cookies. I asked him for one and he says "Grandpa, now let me ask you. Can your dick touch your asshole?" "You're god damned right it can!" I replied. "Good, go fuck yourself, mom made these for me"

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God is watching

One day the children were lined up in the cafeteria of for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun had made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the children had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand.

I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.

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A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"




"Nah, you're ugly"

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A high schooler was going to the prom with his girlfriend...

And as he was going through the list of things he needed, he realized he needed a well-tailored tuxedo. He arrived at the most prestigious store he could think of, to get the best tuxedo; however, there was an enormous line at the front counter, and he had to wait hours before he could obtain one. He then discovered he needed chocolate, so he went to the best chocolate store in town to get the greatest chocolates for his prom date. But again, the line was extremely long. He had to wait another hour and a half just to get the chocolates. He also decided he needed a limousine, so he called up the most expensive limousine service he could find. But yet again, it took hours and hours of waiting just to rent a limousine ride. He finally got to his high school prom with his girlfriend and they were dancing and having a good time. His girlfriend started to get thirsty, so she asked him if he can go over to the punch table to get some punch for her. As he walked up to the punch table, he then realized, that there was no punchline.

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A man goes to a nursing home.

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84-year-old father. While there he notices the nurse give his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man asks, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

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The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate

The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 132 years"

The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business!".

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Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolate.

They'll kill your dog.

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My wife and I were stuck in traffic.

She said, "I'm turning round."

"I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate."

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litte Johnny eating chocolate bars

Little Johnny was sitting on a bench next to an old man. Little Johnny pulls out a KitKat and eats the whole thing. Then he pulls out a Snickers and eats that aswell. Then little Johnny pulls out a O'hennry and opens it up. The old man says "Hold on little boy, you shouldn't eat all those chocolate bars. Youll get sick and won't live to be my age."
Little Johnny says "How old is that?"
The old man says "84"
litlle Johnny says 'Ya?, well my grandpa is 104!, you wanna know how he got to be that old?"
The old man says "How?"
Little Johnny smiles and says " by minding his own damn business"

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Chocolate bars

My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets his Snickers in a Twix.

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I like my women how I like my chocolate:

without nuts.

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

A man walks into an ice cream shop. "I will have a gallon of chocolate ice cream."

"Sorry, we are all out of chocolate," says the clerk.

"In that case I will have a quart of chocolate ice cream."

"Listen, we don't have any chocolate."

"Well, in that case I will have a double scoop chocolate cone."

"Mister, we are all out of chocolate, all out!"

"Well, I guess I will just have some chocolate ice cream in a cup."

"Wait a second!" cries the clerk. "Can you spell the water in watermelon?"

"Sure!" says the man.

"Can you spell the gold in goldfish?"

"Easy!" says the man.

"Well, can you spell the fuck in chocolate?"

"Wait a second, there's no fuck in chocolate."

"That's what I have been trying to tell you!"

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What's grosser than gross?

Having a dream you're eating chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.

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Breaking news from Egypt: they found a tomb covered in chocolate and nuts.

They said it was a Pharaoh Rocher.

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Crazy girl friends are like boxes of chocolate

They both kill your dog.

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Archaeologists have recently found a mummy while excavating a tomb in Egypt

Oddly enough, the mummy was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rosher.

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I like my women like I like my chocolate

with nuts

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Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt has found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

they believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher

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Three friends on the Great Wall of China

Three friends, an American, a German and a South African, are walking along the Great Wall of China. The American decides he wants to show off, so he takes out an enormous Hersey's bar, nibbles on a small piece, then tosses it over the edge of the wall.

The German exclaims "What a waste of chocolate!" And the American replies "We have TONS of it in our country."

Not to be out done, the German takes out a large bottle of unmarked Wheat beer, takes a small sip, then tosses it over the edge of the wall.

The South African explodes "What a bloody waste of beer!" And the German replies "We have TONS of it in our country."

Now the South African is pondering, and see's a tour group walking by. He grabs a black tourist and chucks him over the wall.

As the American and German shout in horror, the South African waves his hand nonchalantly and says "It's Okay! We have tons of them in our country."

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I like my women like I like my chocolate.

With nuts.

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Old lady on the bus

There was an old lady who would ride on the bus every day. Every time she would get off the bus she would hand the bus driver a handful of almonds. The bus driver appreciated the old lady's good deeds however one day he asked her why she gave him a handful of almonds every time she got off the bus. She stated that she had no teeth therefore she could not eat them. Confused, the bus driver asks her why she had the almonds in the first place. Her response was "i like the chocolate around them"

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Last Halloween

Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."

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Round-up of the top ten one-liner jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The first one will only be understood by Britons, but there are good ones after that.

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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My wife asked: You're pretty proud of your self for that one aren't you? With only a slight smirk on her face.

So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: "Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now". She said "How's that?" I said, "They are both a little coughy.

Maybe this is a dumb Dad joke but if you guys liked it then I can show this post to her to back me up. I was admittedly too proud of this one but lets see what you guys think. Preparing for onslaught in 3...2...

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A man opens up a ice cream shop....

But he only has two flavors since he just opened. Strawberry and vanilla. His first customer walks in and orders chocalate. The seller says I'm sorry sir I only have strawberry and vanilla. The man says well ok ill have chocalate. The seller once again says I don't have chocolate. This goes on for awhile until the seller goes sir can you please spell straw as in strawberry. The man spells it. Now can you spell van as in vanilla. The man spells it. Now can you please spell fuck as in choclate. But there's no fuck in choclate. The seller goes that's what I've been trying to tell you!

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What do Michael Jackson and Willy Wonka have in common?

They both love showing kids their chocolate factory.

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So a tech support has a house call...

When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."

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A group of children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
Take only one. God is watching.
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.

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A lady walks in too an ice cream store.

A lady walks in to an ice cream store and asks the friendly guy behind the counter, "Could I get some chocolate ice cream please?" the man behind the counter says, "I am sorry ma'am, we are all out of chocolate ice cream." The lady looks around for a while then asks, "How about chocolate fudge ice cream?" The man says, "We are all of out chocolate flavored ice creams ma'am." The lady, looking again, asks, "How about chocolate chunk ice cream?" The man looks in to the old woman's eyes and says, "Ma'am, who put the blue in blueberry?" Lady replies, "well, God did." "OK, who put the straw in strawberry?" The lady replies, "Well, God did that too." The man once more asks, "Who put the fuck in chocolate?" The lady, surprised, answers, "There is no fuck in chocolate?" He says, "That's what I'm trying to tell you lady, there is no fucking chocolate."

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Singel at the supermarket

A woman in her mid-30s goes to the supermarket. She buys a bar of soap, a bottle of milk, a toothbrush, a TV-dinner, a chocolate bar and a bottle of shampoo.
She heads over to the register, where the clerk starts beeping her stuff. Halfway through he looks up and say "You're single, aren't you?" The woman answers, flustered, "well, yes I am, how did you guess?"
The guy says "Because you're fucking ugly!"

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How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies?

10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&Ms

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What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and milk? Chocolate milk! What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and chocolate milk?

Diabetes

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Shopping for singles

I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*ck.''

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My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with LSD.

It was a real gelt trip.

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First prize in the synagogue lottery

Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.

Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.

Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes to Hawaii and for 2nd I get a cake?

Rabbis says - You don't understand - this cake was baked with loving care by the rebbitzen [wife of the rabbi]

Litvak says: "Fuck the rebbitzen"

Rabbi says - No, that's first prize.

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(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.

Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

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Free Ice Cream Sundae

A stewardess approaches a small young boy on an airplane and asks the boy, "Would you like a free ice cream sundae?"
"Golly, would I!" the boy replies.

"And would you like two scoops?" the stewardess asks enthusiastically.

"Absolutely!" the boy said.

"Chocolate?" the nurse asks.

"Yes ma'am!" the boy exclaims.

"And would you like your nuts crushed?"

"Well I dunno, would you like your tits shot off?"

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Little boy on bus sitting next to an old man.

A little boy on bus was eating a chocolate. Then he took another one out from his bag and ate it, and then another one.
An old man sitting next to him said: "Do you know too much of it will damage your teeth."


The boy replied: "You know, my grandfather lived for 122 years."
Old Man said: "Was it because of eating chocolate?"


The boy replied:"No, He was always minding his own business."

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The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.

"They're for the funeral."

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My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel

She's a dominatwix

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A bitch ate my cookie, now the bitch is dead

Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs

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Why do women love chocolate?

Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.

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After I asked my mom money to go buy candies at the cornerstore, and she gave me a 5$, my grandfather told me...

"Back in my day I could walk into a cornerstore with 50c in my pockets and walk out with a bag of chips, a bag of liquorice, a coca-cola, an archie's comics and a chocolate ice cream cone... You can't do that anymore... Fucking security cameras everywhere!"

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An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.

Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.

Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.

Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?

Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.

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Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.

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Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate.

Tuesday.

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Do you know what I miss about my childhood?

Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf

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What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A chocolate ba-a-a-a

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What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson.

One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy

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Two men are walking down the street

when they find a small box. One of them opens it up to reveal something looking very much like chocolate cream.

He then proceeds to scoop a little bit with his finger and taste it.

- "hey, there's shit in here" claims the man after tasting it.

- "no way! let me check" says his friend, while scooping some with his finger and tasting it for himself.

- "you are right!" says the second guy "and to think we almost step on it!"

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I've started calling my girlfriend names like Custard, Ice cream, Pudding, Chocolate cake, or Apple pie.

I'm planning to desert her.

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I like my women how I like my chocolate...

No nuts.

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Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself.

I still prefer crack.

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A kid is loudly praying, "God please give me a box of Chocolate."

Kid's mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing." The boy replies, "yes but grandma is...."

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20 reasons why chocolate is better than sex

1. you can *get* chocolate.

2. 'if you love me you'll swallow it' has real meaning with chocolate.

3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.

5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.

8. two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.

16. good chocolate is easy to find.

17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.

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I saw a baby in a carriage holding a chocolate bar.

It's mother wasn't around. So i took it, tore it open and ate it, right in front of the chocolate bar.

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There are 4 levels of cheerios in this world.

The levels are, from bottom to top, regular, chocolate, honey nut, and the highest level is the status of Froot Loops. Jim is a regular old cheerio, and is unhappy with his life. So he studies for weeks and weeks, takes the test, and becomes a chocolate cheerio. He parties for a while, makes lots of new friends, but then becomes bored. So Jim studies for months and months to become a honey nut cheerio, takes the test, and becomes a honey nut cheerio. Life as a honey nut cheerio is much better, there are many more places to go, and many more things to see and do. But Jim is greedy, and needs more from life. So he studies for years and years to become a Froot Loop, the highest of the high positions on the social ladder. He takes the test, but fails. Jim becomes depressed, and thinks about suicide, but sees light at the end of the tunnel. So he studies even more, takes the test, and passes. Jim is ecstatic, and makes many more friends. He decides to throw a party, so he goes to the supermarket to get drinks. First he looks at beer, but the line for beer was too long, so he moves on. He goes to get juice, but the line there was also to long. He went to the punchline but there was none.

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Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently?

The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!

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How do we know God is a man?

If God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

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Where does chocolate milk come from?

a cacao

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What is Hitler's favorite chocolate?

Fuhrerro Rocher

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What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

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What do crazy girlfriends and chocolate have in common?

They both kill your dog

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An old lady and a bus driver

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some almonds. He is happy to have the nuts but he noticed that the old lady isn't having any herself.

The driver asks, Excuse me madam, why aren't you eating any of he almonds?

The old lady says, Young man, they are too hard on my poor teeth, I can't.

The bus driver, confused, then asks, Why did you by them in the first place then?

The old lady replies, You see, I can't eat any of the almonds, but I sure love the chocolate they are covered in!

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A charity worker stopped me outside the supermarket today....

A charity worker stopped me outside the supermarket today and said, "I'm collecting for the starving children in Africa."

"Oh, right," I said, slipping a few coins into her tin. "There you go."

She smiled and said, "Thanks, but they were chocolate coins."

"I know," I replied. "Are those fucking kids hungry or not?"

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Brain fade

Friend 1: "I just threw the chocolate that I had planned on eating, in the trash can. Sometimes I think I am retarded"

Friend 2: "Oh! I do that as well"

Friend 1: "Put your chocolate in the trash can?"

Friend 2: "No. Think you are retarded"

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Life is like a box of chocolates

I don't like chocolate

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I like my women like I like my milk.

2% chocolate.

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There is no chocolate.

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop, and asks for chocolate ice cream. The cashier says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have chocolate." So the guy says, "oh... Ok then well I'll have chocolate then." The cashier says "sir, I'm sorry, but we don't have chocolate!" The guy says, "ok fine, I'll just take chocolate." Then the cashier says, "sir, can you spell the straw in strawberry?" Guy says, "sure, s - t - r - a - w." The cashier says, "ok, can you spell the van in vanilla?" Once again the guy says "sure, v - a - n. That's easy." The cashier then says, "ok then, can you spell the fuck in chocolate?" The guy says, "there is no fuck in chocolate!" The cashier says, "exactly."





All credit goes to my uncle, who told me this joke.

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Did you hear about the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in strawberry sauce and chocolate sprinkles?

Police say he topped himself.

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What do you call a chocolate orgasm?

a cocoanut.

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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.

I like to play Muffin Roulette.

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How do you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

There are M&M shells all over the kitchen!

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Archaeologists have been searching around ..

Archaeologists have been searching around The Great Pyramids, and have come across a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate. After more research it has been discovered it was the late Pharaoh Roche

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How are ex-girlfriends and chocolate alike?

Both will kill your fucking dog

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What's the difference between a male and female chocolate Easter bunny?

About a quarter inch of chocolate

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What are the best Chocolate puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Chocolate? Well, here are the best jokes about Chocolate to have fun with.

Joko Jokes