Chocolate Jokes
183 chocolate jokes and hilarious chocolate puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about chocolate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a sweet way to make your friends and family laugh? Check out our collection of chocolate jokes!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Chocolate Short Jokes
Short chocolate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The chocolate humour may include short cocoa jokes also.
- As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate. - Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business. - People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ... I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
- I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from. He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
- What's chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her/she
I got an eye roll from the wife on this one. I guess that's the dad joke seal of approval. - I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.
- Chinese magican Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve. - I grew up in a rough part of town... The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
- Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt? He had some Twix up his sleeve
- An Affair I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better nutella
Share These Chocolate Jokes With Friends
Chocolate One Liners
Which chocolate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with chocolate? I can suggest the ones about candy and ice cream.
- Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.
- Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last as long for the obese.
- What is a lesbian's most favorite chocolate? Her/she's kisses.
- Women are like a box of chocolates I'm always stuck with the one's nobody wants.
- My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her, She
- Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle? So that it'll fit inside the box.
- Do you know what a chocolate's pronouns are? Her/She
- Why is a cop like a box of chocolates? They'll kill your dog.
- What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao
- My wife is like a box of chocolates She never talks to me.
- A crazy ex is like a box of chocolates If you're not careful, they'll kill your dog.
- My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate Everyone got a piece
- Women are like a box of chocolates You never know which ones gonna have nuts
- Life is like a box of chocolates... Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
- My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab. Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.
Chocolate Bar Jokes
Here is a list of funny chocolate bar jokes and even better chocolate bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
- I identify as a chocolate bar My pronouns are her/shey
- My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
- Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?! The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!
- Back in my day Back in my day you use to be able to go into a Shop with £1.00 and come out with 2 Chocolate Bars and a Packed Of crisp, but now these days they have Cameras.
- I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today… … but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.
- I'm giving out full size chocolate bars for Hallo So my friend Sam who is in college came over. He had full wizard costume, and his coding book.
He was an installation wizard! - I saw a baby in a carriage holding a chocolate bar. It's mother wasn't around. So i took it, tore it open and ate it, right in front of the chocolate bar.
- I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered…
- A chocolate bar walk into an interview. The interviewer asks, What are your pronouns? The chocolate bar answers, Her / shey.
Chocolate Chip Jokes
Here is a list of funny chocolate chip jokes and even better chocolate chip puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee
- How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies? 10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&Ms
- Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter. I like to play Muffin Roulette.
- How do you tell if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? There are M&M shells all over the kitchen!
- Insecure people are like chocolate chip cookies After they get baked, they'll crumble easily.
- I recently found an ice cream man dead, covered in sprinkles, chocolate chips and strawberry sauce. He topped himself.
- I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
- We had a sick gathering last night. The Roof was on fire! I'm sad to say that grandma's brain tumor isnt getting better and who knew chocolate chip cookies could flare up like that...
- A lot of great things in this world were accidents. Chocolate chip cookies, popsicles, potato chips... Wife: You still can't call our children mistakes.
- Chocolate chip... How many men does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?... 3!
One to make the batter, two to squeeze the rabbit.
Happy Easter everyone
Chocolate Covered Jokes
Here is a list of funny chocolate covered jokes and even better chocolate covered puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate ba-a-a-a
- What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson. One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy
- I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau
- Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...
- Growing up in a rough area I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head
Life was tough in the Gateau. - Failures in Marketing. Exhibit: Choc-coli The chocolate covered broccoli that is both *semi-nutritious* and *semi-delicious*.
- I heard an Italian supercar manufacturer is going to be making its next model be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts They're calling it the Ferrari Rocher
- Why did the priest sell chocolate covered almonds at the fundraiser? Because there's no nut like a religious nut.
- A man was found dead under an ice-cream truck, covered in chocolate syrup and sprinkles.. Police think he topped himself.
- Some joker lost his book logging all of his chocolate-covered English toffee bar purchases. It was a Heath ledger.
Chocolate Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny chocolate day jokes and even better chocolate day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate. Tuesday.
- Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself. I still prefer crack.
- I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle. Mem-Oreo Day.
- For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates... ...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.
- Women's day Men will be men..
Wife gifted her husband chocolates on chocolate day, roses on rose day...
Husband seriously had high expectations for Women's day today..... - What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
- My wife accused me of cheating today. I didn't mean to But today was cheat day and that chocolate cake was good.
- If you had to choose between having a love life, or a lifetime supply of pudding: How much chocolate pudding would you eat that first day?
- Days when my mama gave me 3$ and I came back with bread, Eggs, milk, yoghurt, chocolate bars, chips, soda, icecream and a bunch of magazines.
Now, there are surveillance cameras everywhere. - Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Give a dog a chocolate bar, feed it for the rest of it's life.
Chocolate Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny chocolate milk jokes and even better chocolate milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk? A mootation
- How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk? Take the spoon out of the glass.
- What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and milk? Chocolate milk! What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and chocolate milk? Diabetes
- Where does chocolate milk come from? a cacao
- Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk. - Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. 93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.
- Some people think chocolate milk only comes from brown cows. I guess they think it doesn't come from any udders.
- Should you use water or milk for hot chocolate? Some say the choice is clear, but I strongly disagree.
- "Doc, every time I drink chocolate milk, I get an awful pain in my left eye" "Take the spoon out"
- If they genetically engineered a cow to produce chocolate milk, that would be sweet.
Heartwarming Chocolate Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about chocolate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean milk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make chocolate pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate
He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kids these days are so s**...
They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
The kindness of strangers
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
life is like a box of chocolates....
it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
Aliens come to earth...
They meet with all the world leaders. Eventually it's the Pope's turn to chat to them. He asks the one alien, Greetings alien, what do you think of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?
The alien exclaims, Ah, JC! He's my boy! We have a massive party when he visits us once a year!
He visits you once a year? The Pope asks in astonishment. He hasn't been to earth in more than two millennia! How did you manage that?!
Well, when he first came to our planet we gave him a box of our finest chocolates. What did you guys do?
An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a box of chocolate and life have in common?
They don't last long for fat people.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just remember, Police are like a box of chocolates..
..they'll kill your dog.
What sound does a chocolate gun make?
Cacao!
Exes are like chocolate.
They'll kill your dog.
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea...
I find it off pudding.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'
My momma always said, life is like a box of chocolates
Empty, because you have no self-control.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into an ice cream shop.
"Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.
"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach her a lesson.
"Ma'am, do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
"Yes," she says.
"Do you also see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"I do."
"Ma'am, do you see the 'frick' in chocolate?"
"There's no 'frick' in chocolate..."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"
Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates
So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.
The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"
The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"
The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"
The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"
The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"
A very very Very old joke :)
My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....
So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...
We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.
We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the brown ones, and threw them in the trash.
"What was that about?" I asked as she returned to her seat.
She smiled and replied "Oh, I'm allergic to chocolate so I always throw the chocolate flavored ones away."
So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...
...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
An older couple is watching tv...
And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"
Life is like a box of chocolates.
The poor can't afford it.
Charlie couldn't believe he was being let into the chocolate factory...
His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.
The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.
Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.
I've lived on Mars for years
However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health
Your first time is like a box of chocolates
You finish so much faster them you thought
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
Finish what you start!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
They say life is like a box of chocolates...
And I'm lactose intolerant.
I've been trying to train my dog to play dead, so I started rewarding him with chocolates.
I think it worked.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Momma said life is like a box of chocolates...
If you're fat it's not gonna last as long :/
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why were graham crackers invented joke
Joke or not the graham crackers were simply a vehicle for delivering marshmallows and chocolate. Sylvester Graham tried to stop his followers from getting frisky by inventing a bland, biscuit-like c**... to cure m**... and quell s**... urges in 1829.
The Planets
71% water + 29% land = Earth
100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars
100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus
100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury
100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto
100% gas = Uranus
How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates?
It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.
What's a trans woman's favorite kind of chocolate?
Her/she
What do you call a mummy dipped in chocolate?
Pharaoh Roche
A woman was working at a nursing home
One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.
Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his family brings them for him, but he doesn't like them.
So the woman said, well if you don't like them, you should tell them, so they stop bringing them for you! And the old man said no that's ok, I like the chocolate, just not the almonds inside.
