Chocolate Jokes

What are some Chocolate jokes?

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

Chocolate is bad

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's?

A chocolate shake.

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

A boy was eating chocolate...

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said

"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"

"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.

"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously

"No. He knew how to mind his own business."

Chinese magican

Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate

Everyone got a piece

An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...

So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?

So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old

-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?

-No, it's because he minded his own business.

I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

An Affair

I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella

The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.

Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"

Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."

Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"

Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.

I guess there is life on Mars after all.

Why did people make white chocolate?

So black kids could get dirty faces too.

Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.

Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".

"That's a bit odd, why do you buy them if you can't eat them?" Driver says.

Old lady replies "I only like the chocolate coating"

What does a box of chocolate and life have in common?

They don't last long for fat people.

What sound does a chocolate gun make?

Cacao!

My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab.

Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.

Exes are like chocolate.

They'll kill your dog.

There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea...

I find it off pudding.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg

so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"

The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"

Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...

The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"

Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'

Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'

Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'

Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and

Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.

After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'

Egyptian joke

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop.

"Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.
"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach her a lesson.
"Ma'am, do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
"Yes," she says.
"Do you also see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"I do."
"Ma'am, do you see the 'frick' in chocolate?"
"There's no 'frick' in chocolate..."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"

Charlie couldn't believe he was being let into the chocolate factory...

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.

The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.

Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.

An old man was laying on his death bed

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

BREAKING NEWS!

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk?

A mootation

When it comes to stealing chocolate bars...

I have a couple twix up my sleeve

What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?

Chocolate Chip Wookiee

I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand.

I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"




"Nah, you're ugly"

A high schooler was going to the prom with his girlfriend...

And as he was going through the list of things he needed, he realized he needed a well-tailored tuxedo. He arrived at the most prestigious store he could think of, to get the best tuxedo; however, there was an enormous line at the front counter, and he had to wait hours before he could obtain one. He then discovered he needed chocolate, so he went to the best chocolate store in town to get the greatest chocolates for his prom date. But again, the line was extremely long. He had to wait another hour and a half just to get the chocolates. He also decided he needed a limousine, so he called up the most expensive limousine service he could find. But yet again, it took hours and hours of waiting just to rent a limousine ride. He finally got to his high school prom with his girlfriend and they were dancing and having a good time. His girlfriend started to get thirsty, so she asked him if he can go over to the punch table to get some punch for her. As he walked up to the punch table, he then realized, that there was no punchline.

The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate

The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 132 years"

The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business!".

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

My wife and I were stuck in traffic.

She said, "I'm turning round."

"I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate."

Breaking news from Egypt: they found a tomb covered in chocolate and nuts.

They said it was a Pharaoh Rocher.

Archaeologists have recently found a mummy while excavating a tomb in Egypt

Oddly enough, the mummy was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rosher.

Last Halloween

Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."

Old lady on the bus

There was an old lady who would ride on the bus every day. Every time she would get off the bus she would hand the bus driver a handful of almonds. The bus driver appreciated the old lady's good deeds however one day he asked her why she gave him a handful of almonds every time she got off the bus. She stated that she had no teeth therefore she could not eat them. Confused, the bus driver asks her why she had the almonds in the first place. Her response was "i like the chocolate around them"

My wife asked: You're pretty proud of your self for that one aren't you? With only a slight smirk on her face.

So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: "Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now". She said "How's that?" I said, "They are both a little coughy.

Maybe this is a dumb Dad joke but if you guys liked it then I can show this post to her to back me up. I was admittedly too proud of this one but lets see what you guys think. Preparing for onslaught in 3...2...

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says Careful son, you're heading down a rocky road.

So a tech support has a house call...

When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."

What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and milk? Chocolate milk! What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and chocolate milk?

Diabetes

How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies?

10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&Ms

Shopping for singles

I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*ck.''

My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with LSD.

It was a real gelt trip.

Little boy on bus sitting next to an old man.

A little boy on bus was eating a chocolate. Then he took another one out from his bag and ate it, and then another one.
An old man sitting next to him said: "Do you know too much of it will damage your teeth."


The boy replied: "You know, my grandfather lived for 122 years."
Old Man said: "Was it because of eating chocolate?"


The boy replied:"No, He was always minding his own business."

The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.

"They're for the funeral."

(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.

Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.

Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.

Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.

Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?

Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.

Why do women love chocolate?

Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.

My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel

She's a dominatwix

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A chocolate ba-a-a-a

Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate.

Tuesday.

Do you know what I miss about my childhood?

Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf

What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson.

One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy

I've started calling my girlfriend names like Custard, Ice cream, Pudding, Chocolate cake, or Apple pie.

I'm planning to desert her.

I saw a baby in a carriage holding a chocolate bar.

It's mother wasn't around. So i took it, tore it open and ate it, right in front of the chocolate bar.

20 reasons why chocolate is better than sex

1. you can *get* chocolate.

2. 'if you love me you'll swallow it' has real meaning with chocolate.

3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.

5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.

8. two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.

16. good chocolate is easy to find.

17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.

There are 4 levels of cheerios in this world.

The levels are, from bottom to top, regular, chocolate, honey nut, and the highest level is the status of Froot Loops. Jim is a regular old cheerio, and is unhappy with his life. So he studies for weeks and weeks, takes the test, and becomes a chocolate cheerio. He parties for a while, makes lots of new friends, but then becomes bored. So Jim studies for months and months to become a honey nut cheerio, takes the test, and becomes a honey nut cheerio. Life as a honey nut cheerio is much better, there are many more places to go, and many more things to see and do. But Jim is greedy, and needs more from life. So he studies for years and years to become a Froot Loop, the highest of the high positions on the social ladder. He takes the test, but fails. Jim becomes depressed, and thinks about suicide, but sees light at the end of the tunnel. So he studies even more, takes the test, and passes. Jim is ecstatic, and makes many more friends. He decides to throw a party, so he goes to the supermarket to get drinks. First he looks at beer, but the line for beer was too long, so he moves on. He goes to get juice, but the line there was also to long. He went to the punchline but there was none.

Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently?

The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!

Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself.

I still prefer crack.

How do we know God is a man?

If God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Where does chocolate milk come from?

a cacao

What is Hitler's favorite chocolate?

Fuhrerro Rocher

What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

How to make Chocolate jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Chocolate to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Chocolate? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Chocolate pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes