Chocolate Bar Jokes

The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound w**... of chocolate on a toothpick.
If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

My mate gets annoyed when I give him a chocolate bar in the wrong wrapper

He gets his snickers in a twix

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

Last Halloween

Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."

George Michael walks into a bar...

The barman says, "George, you've got chocolate on your shirt!".
"I know," replies George, "It was a Careless Wispa."

A woman brings her items to the resister

A woman brings five chocolate bars, a tub of ice cream, and some pregnancy tests to the counter
Cashier: "Ma'am, I don't think you need those pregnancy tests"

What is the favourite chocolate bar of black people?

s**...

Sad news from the Nestlé chocolate factory.

Sad news from the Nestlé chocolate factory. A man was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
Apparently every time he shouted: The Milky Bars are on me! his workmates just cheered.

Jeff Wayne came home one day to find his wife bringing herself to c**... with a chocolate bar.

"The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one" he said.

I got my dad a melted chocolate bar for his birthday

He said that I'm a good sun.

I heard Reese's is doing a monkey shaped chocolate bar now..

It's called a Reese's Macaque.

George Michael was upset to find he had let a chocolate bar melt in his pocket

It was just a careless whisper

I saw a baby in a carriage holding a chocolate bar.

It's mother wasn't around. So i took it, tore it open and ate it, right in front of the chocolate bar.

What's the difference between a chocolate bar, and a cop?

One will kill your dog, the other's a chocolate bar.

I have a spreadsheet in which I keep count of every chocolate toffee bar.

I call it my Heath ledger.

How can you tell a dark chocolate bar is male?

it has a creamy milk filling

As Steve was eating a chocolate bar, a man walked up to him

Man: Chocolate isn't good for you
Steve: My grandpa ate chocolate every day, and he lived to be 104 years old
Man: Do you really think he lived that long because of the chocolate that he ate?
Steve: No. It was because he knew when to keep his mouth shut

What do you call it when a Physics Teacher throws a bar of chocolate at you?

Brownian Motion

A boy was eating chocolate...

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."

Apparently Cadbury's are making an oriental chocolate bar

I reckon it's just a Chinese whisper

My friend got really angry with me the other day when i started talking about deep fried chocolate bars!

I didn't realise it was such a hot topic

George Michael choked to death on a chocolate bar.

Must of been a careless wispa

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

I was teaching my dog how to play dead...

and as a reward for doing it, I gave him a chocolate bar. Now he's really good at it!

What is Jon Bellions most favourite chocolate bar of all time?

Rolo.....
Rolo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, Rolo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo!

What were the two accountants hoping for..

What were the two accountants hoping for when they went halves in a chocolate bar?
That they would break even.

Some joker lost his book logging all of his chocolate-covered English toffee bar purchases.

It was a Heath ledger.

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.

Chocolate, icecream, cookies, mars bars, doritos, popcorn, milky ways, kit kats and lays!

i wrote this joke to reach a wider audience.

My friend asked me how I was doing with my cold turkey withdrawal from chocolate bars

I replied, No kinder bueno.

Heard a rumour Cadburys are producing chop suey flavoured chocolate bars.

Probably just Chinese Wispas.

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep k**.... Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

A chocolate bar bumps into George Michael

Careless whispa

Snickers bar

My friend one told me a joke about chocolate, it wasn't that funny, but I snickered!

Shopping for singles

I went to a small grocery shop. I am on my way to pay and look for a line. I suddenly notice one young and pretty cashier with almost empty line so I go for it. I start to unload my groceries on a tilt. One pack of hard cigarettes, 6 beers, frozen pizza, some bacon and chocolate bars.
The cashier smiles at me and says: ''You are single, right?''
Little shocked I reply with a smile ''Yes... why? Did my selection of grocery gave it away?''
''No, you are ugly as f*c**....''

Tim has 12 chocolate bars. He eats seven of them. What does he have now?

Diabetes, and Bad self control.

I hate being an adult in times like these, $5 used to get you 12 eggs, a bar of chocolate a massive bag of sweets, milk, a sack of potatoes, a bottle of v**......

Shame for cameras in stores...

What does half a chocolate bar look like?

The other half.

AT&T is creating their first ever phony-chocolate bar

I hear they're calling it "Raisin, the Bar."

Sad News.....

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

Rumour has it Cadbury are bringing out an Oriental chocolate bar.

It could be a Chinese Wispa.

A young woman goes grocery shopping...

She wanders through the store more or less aimlessly, finally arriving at the checkout, where she places her items on the conveyor belt: Ramen noodles, a two-pack of toilet paper, a bottle of cheap wine, some grapes, a frozen pizza and a chocolate bar.
The cashier looks at her items, looks at her, looks back at her items and says, "Let me guess, you're single".
"Yeah, you're right", the woman admits, "but how did you know that?"
"Well...", she responds, "you're ugly"

What do you call bars that are filled with black midgets?

Chocolate Bars

Some one told me a chocolate bar joke, it wasn't that funny

So I just snickered.
My 10 year old daughter just told me that one.

Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracey takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with?

A slap.

I Heard Cadbury Are going to Make An Oriental Chocolate Bar

But it could just be a Chinese whisper

I have a spreadsheet wherein I track all the chocolate toffee bars I've eaten.

It's my Heath ledger.

What's the most feminist type of chocolate?

A Her-she bar.

I can't help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars...

*snickers*

What do you call a clumsy chocolate bar?

Careless Wispa

Have you heard the joke about the chocolate bar?

It wasn't very funny so I just snickered.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a dog a chocolate bar, feed it for the rest of it's life.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to be able to walk into the gas station with 1 dollar and walk out with a handful of chocolate bars.

Nowadays, they have cameras everywhere

I bought a chocolate bar today and the inside read, "You're a loser"

I wouldn't have minded as much if there had been a competition on.
To make matters worse, it was Boost...

A graham c**..., a marshmallow, and a chocolate bar are lonely by a campfire.

They need s'more friends.

Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century

It's nearly 2019 now. Is anyone else not offended we still don't have a Himhe bar?

Two years after the death of George Michael, the cause was finally found. He choked on a chocolate bar.

It was a careless Wispa

Days when my mama gave me 3$ and I came back with bread,

Eggs, milk, yoghurt, chocolate bars, chips, soda, icecream and a bunch of magazines.
 
Now, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

Did you hear about the time Jeff Wayne caught his wife m**... with a chocolate bar?

The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one , he said.

A child walks into a supermarket in America.

A child walks into a supermarket in America and tries to buy 5 bars of snickers and an assault rifle. The cashier saids, 'I'm sorry, I can't sell this to you'. The child replies; 'Why?' The cashier then saids; 'that's too much chocolate for a little boy to have'.

TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.

This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.
Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.