Howlingly Hilarious Chinese Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?
**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn't my waiter.
Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..
Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless
A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.
She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.
"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"
The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."
The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"
What do you call a rich Chinese person ?
cha ching
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?
A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"
They must be scared of the dark or something.
I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery...
He thanked me.
The U.N. initiates a poll...
The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".
They say there's safety in numbers...
Tell that to 6 million Jews
You can explore chinese culture reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chinese travel dad jokes. There are also chinese puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Chinese takeout: $10.25. Gas to get there and back: $3.25.
Realizing that you got all the way home without one of the containers: riceless
For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'
This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
A Korean and a Jew
Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?
Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.
Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?
Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?
Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.
Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?
A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...
He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
How Long is a Chinese name.
It's not a question.
A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...
They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
Sorry
What do chinese people do when they have an e**...?
they vote
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been w**...'
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.
You know...h**....
Who says building a border wall won't work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
A Chinese guy walks into a bar...
A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?
• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.
What has TWO wings, and ONE arrow?
A Chinese telephone.
Wing wing. Arrow?
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian?
Just spin him around in circles until he's disoriented
What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese
Ding d**...
A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar
He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"
The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"
"How you know my name!"
I got an iPad from my chinese friend...
I love homemade gifts!
Not everything Donald Trump says is s**....
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
Chinese kid was born before the due date
Parents named him Sudden Lee.
What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming
Why can't Chinese people have white babies?
Because two Wongs don't make a white
I don't get why Japanese people and South Korean people just can't get along.
I mean, they're all Chinese.
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend.
Nothing beats a homemade present!
My Chinese friend died the other day...
So Yung.
There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great.
I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.
UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals
chinese takeout
A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...
The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That's ridiculous; an iceberg sunk the titanic!". The Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Silverberg, you're all the same".
A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy
The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"
The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"
I threw a Chinese man down the stairs...
It was Wong on so many levels.
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.
If adam and eve were Chinese
Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.
What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?
Lo Ping
s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
I just opened up a Facebook page for Chinese n**...
It has three Reichs so far
What has 2 wings and 1 Arrow ?
A Chinese telephone
Wing
Wing
Arrow?
(posted this last year got some good feedback)
One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...
Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.
Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"
I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese
made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?
Because I want to make you mine.
My Chinese son was born before his due date
We called him Sudden Lee
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.
What do you call a fat Chinese p**...?
Chun Kee h**...
Why are Chinese kids so good at math?
Because their dog doesn't eat their homework
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
A confused chinese student asks his master: "Master s**..., why do all chinese look the same?"
Then the Master replyed: "I am not master s**...."
I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.
I think it's maoware.
Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?
Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.
(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.
"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.
"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.
"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.
So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.
"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.
"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.
"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat
So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
So I did some research...
and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...
Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.
Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and Valentines Day are too close...
I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles
You know, h**...
A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..
After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee
There is only one thing I don't like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant
The bill
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.
Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.
A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"
24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.
To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.
Chinese takeout,,,
### Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
# Riceless
Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?
Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh
I asked a Chinese friend how it was going over there.
He said: I can't complain.
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.
The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years, he exclaims with pride!
We'll, that's very impressive, replies the Jewish man, but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!
The Chinese man, after some consideration, says to the Jewish man, Well, that doesn't make any sense. What did you people eat back then?
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?
Because of inflation.
President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon
Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
What's the difference between this joke and the Chinese balloon?
This joke will be shot down immediately.
Dating in my 30's is like being a Chinese weather balloon.
I'm the size of three busses and I just keep getting shot down.
My Chinese wife is very overweight.
She weighs wonton.
What does a Chinese lumberjack do?
Chop sticks
Is it ok to ignore dumplings in my Chinese takeout?
Or will I be charged with wonton neglect?
Factory arson
A factory producing frozen Chinese dumplings is reported to have suffered the worst case of arson in recent history, presumed to be the work of a disgruntled worker.
The police chief said he had never seen a case of such wonton destruction.
