Chill Jokes

At first the French were chill about the revolutionists

…but they lost their heads when they started the executions

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some w**... with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

How do beekeepers keep their bees so chill?

They smoke them out.

What did the chill pigeon say?

coo. coo.

What did the executioner say after hanging a homosexual with a rope that was a little longer than usual?

That is one low-hanging fruit..

Just in case anyone gets butthurt: I have nothing against homosexuals, it's a joke, chill.

Earlier today my friend asked me how long I'v been married.

I told him 15 years but with the wind chill it feels like 30

If you are chilly, go to the corner...

It's 90 degrees.

Nine out of ten dentists agree that the tenth one needs to chill out.

CHILLING WITH ESKIMOS

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
A. Polaroids.

Soo.... baltimore.

Probably not the best idea to burn down a cvs pharmacy. The entire city needs a chill pill.

I tried "Netflix and chill?" on my wife.

We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls.

She told me she wanted to Netflix and chill.

But when I got there she had Redbox.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and b**....

Girl asked me to netflix and chill

So I was like na, more like Amazon prime and commitment.

Netflix and Chill or ...

Redtube and l**... 😜

Back when I went to college, we didn't have Netflix and Chill.

We had Room and Bored.

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and c**...

Netflix and chill is cool...

But let's be honest guys, we know for most of you it's Netflix and Jill

What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date?

Netflix and chill.

I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005.

I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005. It was full of private messages from women who wanted to "Blockbuster and Chill".

Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..."

...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*

Wanna 'Netflix and chill' but I can't afford Netflix

"Pirated movies and chill" isn't getting me laid =/

My girlfriend has real trust issues, always paranoid.

My wife on the other hand is a lot more chill.

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

A woman was telling her husband about a new friend she had made

The woman said "she's so cool. She's friendly af, chill af, nice af..."

Her husband responded with "well, she certainly sounds afable."

What do snowmen like to do on the weekends?

Chill out

why netflix and chill?

Because amazon and chill has 1 day delivery.

I love this time of the year...

when the nights are drawing in, there's a chill in the air & the whole family gathers round a roaring Galaxy Note 7

Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:

"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".

The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night...

CNN and panic!

What's the difference between a college student and a refrigerator?

Only one know how to chill.

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents

Blonde: Oh by the way I´m pregnant

Parents (simultaneously): You´re WHAT!?!

Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I´m not even sure it´s mine

Q: what is it called when a Russian does not want to come over to your place for s**...?

A: Nyetflix and chill.

After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,

Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents

My best friend is a very chill guy

He's 0K

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

Did the Drake's vocals come in yet?

Chill chill everything's top secret my brother

Why are people in wheelchairs so chill?

They roll with the punches

What did one belt say to the other?

Come on dude, you need to chill a little, you're way to uptight

Friend's advice be like:

Chill dude!
Get married!
What's divorce thing that could happen?

Was with my girlfriend yesterday..

We discussed if we should go bowling or just stay at home and chill.
Told her that I didn't want my fingers where everyone else's fingers had been.

So we went bowling.

I like my men like I like my pop

Sweet, chill, and coming out my nose if I s**... wrong

Why are trains so chill with where their kids are?

They can simply 'track' them.

My last girlfriend was pretty chill,

she didn't even scream that much when I closed the trunk.

At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her?

Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen

What did the fridge do when the electricity went down?

It lost its chill.

Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

Some white people are so upset at black panther

Chill, You guys have pink panther

The Japanese version of Netflix and Chill

is h**... with Senpai

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

A young zebra escapes from the zoo and meets a stallion in a nearby valley

The stallion was fascinated and asked the zebra "where do you come from and what do you do?" the zebra replied "I come from Africa and I just chill with my friends on the plain"
Then the zebra asked the stallion "what are you and what do you do?" and the stallion replied "I'm a stallion, get your pyjamas off and i'll show you"

What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off?

Net fix and chill

Toad seems so chill when he hangs out with Mario.

He's such a fungi

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

Why are eggs so chill?

Can't blame them, they get laid all the time!

What comes after Netflix and Chill?

Redbox

My fridge started making weird noises

I opened the freezer door and told it to chill out

What is the cow equivalent of Netflix and Chill?

Lactose 'n tolerance

Is your Sub Zero chillibrator running?

yes?

THEN YOU BETTER GO CATCH IT!

When it comes to Netflix and Chill,

They call me Skip Intro.

Netflix and Chill is just a D away from

NETFLIX AND CHILD

A man walks into a bar.

The bartender yells from the back, Hey, how can I help you!!!!

The customer said, take a chill pill

Ok, Mr Cosby, I'll get right on that.

Nine out of ten doctors agree

The tenth doctor needs to chill out

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

What did the police say to criminals in Chicago?

Chill out guys

I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic

Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I'm not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.

Devin Nunes needs to chill about the whole Twitter debate thing. It's just an internet troll.

Don't have a cow, man.

Where does the letter O go to chill?

The ozone

What do the Irish have instead of Netflix & Chill?

Meet & Potatoes

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, it is time.

But Jesus and his friends can't hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he'll likely be ignored again. So he grabs a very loud megaphone and yells May I have your ascension please! May I have your ascension please

Two tapeworms are chilling wherever it is tapeworms chill at.

One of them says, "So I found this host the other day. Man, you should have seen him! Fat as a blimp, ate more food in one day than most people eat in a week. He was roomy and comfy and spent most of his time sitting or laying down, so I didn't even NOTICE the outside world!"

The other says, "Hot d**...! Sounds like a paradise! Then why did you leave? Did he die or something?"

"Nope," answers the first. "But he reaaaaaaally loved Mexican food."

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. You'll like it here, he tells her. Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a m**....

Do you know who I am? the girl asks her new classmate. I'm the daughter of the principal.
The boy is silent and then asks her, Do you know who I am?
She shakes her head no. Good, says the boy as he walks away.

An ice cube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

Bunsen... My flame...I melt whenever I see you," confessed the ice cube.

* Chill, it's just a phase you're going through. *

What do penguins do when they want to hookup?

Net fish and chill

The teacher told the girls in the class to start screaming and running out of class every time John lied

It was the perfect revenge prank

Once John entered, the teacher asked why he was late, he answered They're building a s**... club right across my house

The girls then started screaming and running out of class, John just looked confused and said

chill out h**... they're not hiring yet

Two tomato's are chilling in the fridge

The first one says "Dang, its kind of cold in here"

The second one backs away, and says "Holy s**... its a talking tomato"

Movie night

We wanted to "Netflix and chill" last night, so my wife asked me to put on a movie called " scent of a woman". I could not find it so I put on the next best thing...." A fish called Wanda"

When do cherries chill out?

On a Sunday.

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week.

He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

The inventor of the "Wind Chill Factor" died recently.

He was 81 years old, but he felt like he was 64.

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said chill in the fridge for an hour

I nearly died