The Best 81 Children Jokes

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

My wife and I decided we don't want children...

...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.

How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

Don't vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it!

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first?

It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

If you can't beat them

What's the point of having children?

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

Farts are like children

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.

I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

Raising children is hard as a trans parent

They see right through me

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

I like to help blind children.

The verb, not the adjective.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:

"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.

What sexual position creates the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Boneless children joke

Cum Is Literally Boneless Children.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.** 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!** 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"** 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That's a verb not an adjective btw.

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.

The teacher says, That is correct, but why?

Little Johnny answers, I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad, 'Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'

Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

I feel bad for children of gay couples.

They either suffer twice as many dad jokes or an endless cycle of ask your mother.

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the schmuck had a paper route!!

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

***

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, I'm drawing God.

The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, They will in a minute.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Women shouldn't have children after 36.

36 children are more than enough.

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

SERIOUS: This subreddit needs to understand what a "dad joke" really means.

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with…

What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!

My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads funeral he told me:

Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.

I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end . She says.

But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not? Said Charles.

That's right , she replied.

And the Symptoms are minor are they not? He continued

It's true, but my body is weak and I grow tired .

Suddenly, Andrew interjects:
Minor you say? Can't you just pay them to disappear ?

A woman is eavesdropping on two Italian men on the bus

"First Emma come first, the I come, then two asses come together, then I come again,then to asses come together again,then a-pee twice, then finally I come again"

The woman explodes "How can you be so rude, explaining your weird sexual experiences on a bus with children in it?"

The Italian man says: "relax I was just teaching my friend to spell Mississippi!"

"I gave my husband an empty Boston Cream donut, now he's filing for divorce" "What about your children?"

He wants full custardy.

My wife and I have decided we don't want children

We plan on telling them after supper

I saw a sign the other day

It read, SLOW Children at play.

now that's not very nice.

A dad jokes should be safe to tell children

NSFW jokes are not safe to tell children, and therefore are not Dad jokes.

Gru and Putin resemble each other and both are despicable but how are they different?

One is aimed at children and the other aims at children.

Might take the children to the Goat farm for lunch today.

Apparently they do Kid's meals.