Children Jokes

Following is our collection of daughters humor and schoolchildren one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Children puns for adults, dirty wives and children jokes or clean maria gags for kids.

There is an abundance of newborns jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes on children. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any groucho witze you can hear about children.

The Best jokes about Children

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead


My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That's a verb not an adjective btw.

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:

"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you MedellΓ­n kids"

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP


A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan


What sexual position creates the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

Farts are like children

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Raising children is hard as a trans parent

They see right through me

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

I feel bad for children of gay couples.

They either suffer twice as many dad jokes or an endless cycle of ask your mother.

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

My wife and I decided we don't want children...

...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**Β 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**Β 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**Β 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**Β 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

I like to help blind children.

The verb, not the adjective.

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.

I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Don't vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it!

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.

The teacher says, That is correct, but why?

Little Johnny answers, I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad, 'Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first?

It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

Boneless children joke

Cum Is Literally Boneless Children.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

If you can't beat them

What's the point of having children?

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.


Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

No matter how kind you are,

German children are always Kinder.

I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there's no money in there.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.

They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.

When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic

Cause they're more likely to be dead.

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y'all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: Mom, why am I called Violet?

And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head

Then Rose comes and asks: Mom, why am I called Rose?

And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head

Then Brick goes and asks: CjfbjabMandmabwlbdkabNbskdbslonvibcdhovtcbxtblvocbjfshkvgdvynv?

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children

how do we sleep at night?

Why won't cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples?

Because kids don't like to eat fruits and vegetables.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes