Following is our collection of daughters humor and schoolchildren one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Children puns for adults, dirty wives and children jokes or clean maria gags for kids.
There is an abundance of newborns jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 74 funniest jokes on children. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any groucho witze you can hear about children.
Because they are more likely to be dead
A receding heir line...
Brothel sprouts
You have to be alive to have autism.
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
That's a verb not an adjective btw.
"Our children have names, Harold!"
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
It's even funnier when children get it.
Edit- Two Now
2nd Edit- One Now
3rd Edit- Nevermind
4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?
You.
So we can think about a solution in silence.
So men may think on a solution in silence
Because they are more likely to be dead.
Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.
(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)
I mean the verb, not the adjective.
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
Ask your parents.
I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours
They see right through me
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**
They either suffer twice as many dad jokes or an endless cycle of ask your mother.
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Ask your mother.
He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
By the way: Verb, not adjective
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
The verb, not the adjective.
She grounded him.
so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
Let a trained medical professional do it!
One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says, It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.
The teacher says, That is correct, but why?
Little Johnny answers, I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad, 'Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
They hit a midlife crisis
It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.
Ronald McDonald.
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Cum Is Literally Boneless Children.
Because you have to be alive to be autistic
What's the point of having children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
The verb not the adjective
A bus full of children
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.
Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names
The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.
"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.
"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".
"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".
So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
German children are always Kinder.
It reminds me why there's no money in there.
"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.
I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves
Cause they're more likely to be dead.
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.
So Violet goes to her and asks: Mom, why am I called Violet?
And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head
Then Rose comes and asks: Mom, why am I called Rose?
And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Then Brick goes and asks: CjfbjabMandmabwlbdkabNbskdbslonvibcdhovtcbxtblvocbjfshkvgdvynv?
I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
how do we sleep at night?
Because kids don't like to eat fruits and vegetables.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.