Children In Need Jokes
54 children in need jokes and hilarious children in need puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about children in need that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Children In Need Short Jokes
Short children in need jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The children in need humour may include short school children jokes also.
- Mother, mother, ... ... how come other children need hours to solve Rubik's cube but I do it in just a few seconds?
- Well, sweetie, it's because you're color blind. - I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children. They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.
- Voltaire said, "To learn who rules over you, simply find out
who you are not allowed to criticize."
Hence, we need to rise up against children with leukemia. - I got this gem from a 6-year-old ...seriously, I need to get rid of it fast, the law really frowns on stealing from children.
- The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children. May I recommend swimming lessons?
- A cake in an oven Society needs to stop discriminating, we don't question a baker having a cake in the oven but as soon as I put 4 children and 2 horses in a volcano im the bad guy
- Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children.
I'm living with one of yours and they need a lot of improvement. - Next time I see a sign that says "Watch For Children," I'm gonna take the deal. It seems like a fair trade and I need a new watch.
- You know you need to lose weight, and possibly a shave- When you sit down at the mall to rest your feet, and random children jump into your lap to tell you what they want for Christmas.
- I'm going to save a lot of money by not having children! And even more money because it's not like I need a vasectomy
Share These Children In Need Jokes With Friends
Children In Need One Liners
Which children in need one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with children in need? I can suggest the ones about kids in hospital and little children.
- What's black and white that small children no longer need worry about? Michael Jackson
- Why was the father centipede annoyed? Because all of his children needed new shoes.
- Would you like to help children in need? I've already give a Like on facebook.
- Unvaccinated children aren't so bad, You just need to give them a shot
Great Children In Need Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about children in need you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids knock jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make children in need pranks.
A woman had 20 children. 10 girls 10 boys, all of their names were leroy. Boys spelt Leroy girls spelt Leroigh. She met a man one day and told him how many children she had and what their names were. " why did you name all of your children Leroy/Leroigh?" The man asked. "It's easy to call them all together. For example Leroy/Leroigh time for bet time for supper." The woman laughed. The man asked "how do you call them if you only need one of the children?" The woman cackled "by their last names of course!"
A woman had 20 children. 10 girls 10 boys, all of their names were leroy. Boys spelt Leroy girls spelt Leroigh. She met a man one day and told him how many children she had and what their names were. " why did you name all of your children Leroy/Leroigh?" The man asked. "It's easy to call them all together. For example Leroy/Leroigh time for bet time for supper." The woman laughed. The man asked "how do you call them if you only need one of the children?" The woman cackled "by their last names of course!"
"Johny, what is the difference between being sober and being drunken?"
Johny: "When I was drunk I didn't need to buy a ticket to the carousel."
"Ok, and when you were sober and wanted to go to the carousel what has happened then?"
"The carousel man needed to center the whole carousel, of course.
The left half of the carousel was for me and the right one for all the small children."
A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects
A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"
The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".
"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".
"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".
The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"
"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".
"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"
"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".
"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"
"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many of you love your husbands??
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart."
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this ???
2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ?
3. I love you too !!
4. What now ? Did you c**... the car again ?
5. I don't understand what you mean ?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time !
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I'll leave if you are tired of me !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Gorilla and the r**...
A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with s**... interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a r**... part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his h**... tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."
Adam's companion.
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
The blond with the ten kids
A blond runs into an old friend from high school, and they start catching up since they have not seen each other for many years. Eventually, the blond tells her friend about her ten, all-male children. She proudly says: "I called every one of them 'John' ". Her friend is puzzled, and asks: "Isn't that a bit confusing, all of them having the same name?" "Oh not at all" the blond answers, "It is very convenient. If I want the dishes done, I just call out 'JOHN!' and then at least three or four show up." "But what about when you need one specific child?" her friend persists. The blonde: "Then I just use his last name!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun, a priest and a politician...
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
45th birthday
Two weeks ago was my and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there --on the couch -- n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alright, d**.... Native American jokes it is.
"Father, tell me again about how we get our names."
"Well, in our tribe we name our children after the cause of their birth. You sister is named 'Beautiful Doe' because your mother saw a deer so lovely that she came to me passionately. Your brother is named 'Deep Snow' because the storm was so bad your mother and I needed to share our bodies to stay warm."
"Okay father, I understand."
"I'm glad you understand, but why do you ask me this question so often, Broken c**...?"
A man is late to his twin's birth
A man is late to his twin's birth, he gets to the hospital and apologizes to his wife for being late. The wife says, I am sorry, they needed paper work done, I let your brother name the children. The husband somewhat angry and shocked, "You let my crazy brother Larry name our children, what did he name the girl". "Denise", said the wife. The man repeated it "Denise..Denise..Denise..Denise is a pretty name what did he name the boy?"....The wife responded...."DaaNephew".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The President, the First Lady, a boy scout and a pilot are on a plane.
(Not sure if this one has been submitted already)
Suddenly, a bird gets stuck in one of the engines, causing it to burst into flames. The pilot tells the passengers that the plane will c**..., but there are only 3 parachutes on the plane.
The president grabs one and says, "I am the most important man in the country! The people need me!" and quickly jumps out of the plane.
The first lady grabs another parachute and says, "How will the president be able to manage his children without his wife?" and jumps out of the plane as well.
Now, only the boy scout and the pilot are on the plane. The pilot says, "You should go. You have more of your life ahead of you than I do. Go on and change the world."
The boy scout says, "We can both go, there are two parachutes left!"
"Huh? How is that possible? There were only 3 parachutes!"
"The president took my backpack. C'mon, lets go now!"
An oldie, but goodie.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker.
Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.
Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children."
"Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says.
"Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.
"Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.
The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"
A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.
Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.
The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"
The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your children were born healthy, a boy and a girl. However -- your brother had to name them because we needed to get the birth certificates filled out."
Nervously, she asked, "What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise," the nurse replied.
Relieved, the woman said, "That's a lovely name! I was worried he'd come up with something truly awful. And my son?"
"Denephew."
How to play "Future You"
FUTURE YOU
How to play "Future You"
(You'll have to be over 25 to play this game)
Go to a play park, or a fair ground or a school or anywhere you might find children.
Find a child who looks enough like you.
Go up to that child when they're alone and say
"I am you from the future, those people are not your parents, I'm sorry but your real parents were dead long ago...
Now listen carefully, you need to become me.
Become the super spy the world needs!
You have to get to Mexico, forget about everyone you know, they've all been placed here by the shadow man to stop you by any means.
Just get to Mexico, you will meet who you need to meet when you get there, trust me.
Don't look back just go, GO NOW!"
This game can also be played with more players, where whoever had the kid causing the longest news story, wins...
A Story of Two Bees
So once upon a time, there were two bees, and they were out collecting pollen for their hive. It was going well at first, but soon the clouds started to gather together. One bee said to Two bee, "We better hurry up and meet our quota, it looks like it's going to rain." Two bee said to One bee, "Yes, I agree. Our colony is in grave danger of starvation, and we need to bring them this pollen."
But soon, the rain began. The bees headed for shelter, but before long, One Bee was hit by a drop of water. Two Bee rushed to his side, and dragged him under a leaf, but it was too late. As One Bee lay dying, he said "Two Bee, you must live. Take the pollen I have gathered, the hive needs it. And when you return, tell my wife and children, I love them. Go on without me," then died.
As the rain cleared up, Two Bee knew he still had a long journey ahead of him, so he set his emotions aside.
What happened next?
Two Bee Continued.
God's perfect woman
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion.
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and she will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girlfriend: we don't need to get our children vaccinated, we both had vaccines so they'll inherit the genes from us
What is the name of my f**... that makes me attracted to r**...?
A husband and wife are unable to have children, so they decide to adopt...
They eventually find a boy from Spain named Juan, and bring him back to America to live with them.
Years later, they learn from the adoption agency that Juan has a twin brother, who was raised by an Arab family. His parents were tragically killed, so the boy, named Amal, needs a home to live. So, since they wanted another kid anyways, they decide to adopt him.
The husband and wife are looking through the adoption papers for Amal a few days before seeing him, and the wife glances at a picture of him, and asks the husband if he would like to know what the boy looks like.
The husband shrugs and says: "Well, they are twin brothers, so I think I already know what he looks like. You know, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
LAWYERS DON'T LIE
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have?
He answered : "12 children.
The agent asked "Where are the others?'
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother.
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
Memory wipe
"We've divided the population as you requested, Mr. President" announced the assistant "we just need your approval for the memory wipe".
"Wipe the memories from the groups 1 to 8" replied the president, "leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too"
"Sir, you want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?"
The president looked out at the world from the window.
"Only 90's kids will remember this"
I work with special needs children during the week and at an all organic restaurant on weekends
Its not my fault, I just really like vegetables!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that our children are getting a little bit older, my wife and I decided we needed to use secret "code words" to indicate when we want to have s**..., so our kids will have no idea what we're talking about...
...so, we decided on the words relating to "typewriter."
This morning, I said to my wife that I wanted to, "type a letter" after breakfast.
My wife responded, "You can't type a letter right now, because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
I gave up, went in to the bedroom to use the computer and after about 2 minutes, my wife slunk in and purred, "False alarm, you can type that letter now."
I blushed and sputtered, "I already wrote the letter by hand."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... workers need to be more accepted in society
The profession as almost single handedly raised children out of poverty in places like Thailand
After her husband went to jail, a woman called the judge.
..."Why is my husband in jail?" she asked.
"Because he stole a loaf of bread." replied the judge.
"Will he get out of jail soon?"
"Why, do you miss him?"
"No, he drinks, he screams at me, he hits the children, he gambles. He is a terrible husband."
"Then why do you want him back?" questioned the judge.
"We need more bread."
The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.
"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."
IIn a disaster situation, is always the best course of action to evacuate the women and children first.
The men need to think how to solve this in silence
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I see signs on my local steets for "Slow Children at Play" I feel sad for them
It's one thing to be disabled during childhood when adults can take care of all their needs, but what will they do with themselves when they grow up?
Then I got on the highway and saw a sign for "Slow Men at Work".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My SO: if we have children, we need t**... teach them about consent
Me: That goes without saying
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: You need to stop m**...
Me: Why?
Doctor: because you are in a children's hospital.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An employee at a supermarket
An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods are called before I hit you so hard your children have bruises. I need these for my diet." The employee, wanting nothing to do with this lady, simply rolls his head around, makes direct eye contact with the lady and says, "b**..., peas".
My wife wanted me to get a Vasectomy
Since we were both on our late 30 and we were not planning on having more children
I told her: but what if 10-15 years from now something happens to you And I remarry with a much younger woman? She would want children wouldn't she ?
Now I don't need a Vasectomy, the kick was hard enough to prevent further offspring
