Child Jokes

Funniest Child Short Jokes

Short child jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The child humour may include short daughter jokes also.

1. A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
2. Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
3. My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
4. Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
5. My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
6. Have you seen the new Exorcist movie? This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
7. As God created this human child, God asked him... "How about an extra chromosome?"
   The child replied, "I'd be down for that."
8. It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child
9. My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
10. As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase

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Child One Liners

Which child one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with child? I can suggest the ones about young kid and student.

1. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
2. As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man
3. My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child
4. I was raised as an only child which really annoyed my sister
5. My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
6. My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
7. How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.
8. Why wouldn't the anti-vaxxers child eat his broccoli? He's dead
9. A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."
10. What do you call it when two flowers have a child? Plant parenthood.
11. When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes They did unspeakable things to me
12. I was a stillborn child My mother didn't want me but I was still born
13. Turns out when asked who your favorite child is... You're supposed to pick your own.
14. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
15. Dating a girl that has a child... ... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

Only Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny only child jokes and even better only child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
• "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
  "We tried, but nobody would take you"
• Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...
  And slightly to the left...
• Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house. They still got in.
• Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
• The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
• My parents just said they want another child. "I'd love a sibling!" I said.
  "That's not what we meant." they replied.
• How much do you weigh, dad? Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
  Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
  Dad: I don't know. I can't see.
• A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied: "Beats Me"
• My dad never really loved me as a child I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

Fathered Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny fathered child jokes and even better fathered child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• A father goes to pick his daughter up from school There is another mother waiting there
  She asks, "Are you expecting a child?"
  The father replies with, "No, this is just from beer "
• My father was never proud me. When I was child he asked, "How old are you now son?"
  "I'm 5."
  He replied, "When I was your age I was 6."
• It's 2023, a child asks her father "how did Donald Trump get elected?" ".....that was the year all the adults were busy coloring."
• A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
• What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson
• I was a complex child My mother was real and my father was imaginary.
• The 3rd child asked her mother Did you want a daughter or a son when I was born?
  Mom angrily:
  I wanted neither.
  I just wanted a towel from your father while having bath!
• A very curious kid Kid: Papa, are you growing taller all the time?
  Father: No, my child. Why do you ask?
  Kid: Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.
• My father only hit me once as a child. But he used a Ford Transit.
• If a grandpa has a child with his granddaughter he's a great grandpa... but a horrible father.

Parent Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny parent child jokes and even better parent child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today... And that's just for the alcohol.
• My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up I'm an only child :(
• Parents save more by not vaccinating their children Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.
• What's the difference between an elevator and my parents An elevator can raise a child
• the hardest part about hitting a child in public... is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.
• My ex was orphan as a child I should have taken that as the first sign.
  If her parents didn't want her, why would I.
• Gifted child! My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box.
• Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were Working at an orphanage is no joke
• What's the best gift a parent can give their child? Presence
• As a teacher, I had several parents tell me at the beginning of the year that their child was gifted. Now the year is almost over, I'm looking forward to regifting most of them.

Doctor And Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and child jokes and even better doctor and child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
• Woman at the doctor Woman ask doctor: "My child refuse to eat fish. How can I adequatelly replace it?"
  Doctor's answer: "With cat. Cat eats fish"
• Ever since I was a child I've wanted to be a doctor, but my horse keeps telling me I can't. He's such a naysayer.
• What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.
• Doctor, I came to pick up my wife's results... Husband: Doctor, I came to pick up my wife's results...
  Doctor: 1st floor Nursery. Please do not call your child that.
• A doctor is performing a very dangerous operation on a child. Doctor: The chances of you surviving this are only 50%
  Child: Lets do it 2 times then!
  *high fives the doctor*
• Doctor: Happy boy is born to your house. Motu: Hey, this is amazing technology. The wife is in my hospital and the child is born at home.
• What did the pregnant lady say to the annoying doctor who couldn't seem to deliver her child? Cut it out!
• A woman had a child early this day The doctor came to her one hour after her
  The doc said everything is fine the child is breathing properly
  The mother gasped and said "is that a JoJo reference"
• I like to say I'm a child at heart... but my doctor adamantly disagrees.

Comical Child Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about child you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make child pranks.