Child Jokes
183 child jokes and hilarious child puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about child that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Child Short Jokes
Short child jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The child humour may include short daughter jokes also.
- A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
- My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
- Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
- My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
- Have you seen the new Exorcist movie? This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
- As God created this human child, God asked him... "How about an extra chromosome?"
The child replied, "I'd be down for that." - It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child
- My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
- As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase
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Child One Liners
Which child one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with child? I can suggest the ones about young kid and student.
- Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
- As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man
- My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child
- I was raised as an only child which really annoyed my sister
- My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
- My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
- How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.
- Why wouldn't the anti-vaxxers child eat his broccoli? He's dead
- A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."
- What do you call it when two flowers have a child? Plant parenthood.
- When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes They did unspeakable things to me
- I was a stillborn child My mother didn't want me but I was still born
- Turns out when asked who your favorite child is... You're supposed to pick your own.
- If a child refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
- Dating a girl that has a child... ... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
Only Child Jokes
Here is a list of funny only child jokes and even better only child puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left... - Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house. They still got in.
- Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
- The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
- My parents just said they want another child. "I'd love a sibling!" I said.
"That's not what we meant." they replied. - How much do you weigh, dad? Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see. - A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied: "Beats Me"
- My dad never really loved me as a child I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.
Fathered Child Jokes
Here is a list of funny fathered child jokes and even better fathered child puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A father goes to pick his daughter up from school There is another mother waiting there
She asks, "Are you expecting a child?"
The father replies with, "No, this is just from beer " - My father was never proud me. When I was child he asked, "How old are you now son?"
"I'm 5."
He replied, "When I was your age I was 6." - It's 2023, a child asks her father "how did Donald Trump get elected?" ".....that was the year all the adults were busy coloring."
- A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
- What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson
- I was a complex child My mother was real and my father was imaginary.
- The 3rd child asked her mother Did you want a daughter or a son when I was born?
Mom angrily:
I wanted neither.
I just wanted a towel from your father while having bath! - A very curious kid Kid: Papa, are you growing taller all the time?
Father: No, my child. Why do you ask?
Kid: Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair. - My father only hit me once as a child. But he used a Ford Transit.
- If a grandpa has a child with his granddaughter he's a great grandpa... but a horrible father.
Parent Child Jokes
Here is a list of funny parent child jokes and even better parent child puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today... And that's just for the alcohol.
- My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up I'm an only child :(
- Parents save more by not vaccinating their children Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.
- What's the difference between an elevator and my parents An elevator can raise a child
- the hardest part about hitting a child in public... is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.
- My ex was orphan as a child I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I. - Gifted child! My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box.
- Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were Working at an orphanage is no joke
- What's the best gift a parent can give their child? Presence
- As a teacher, I had several parents tell me at the beginning of the year that their child was gifted. Now the year is almost over, I'm looking forward to regifting most of them.
Doctor And Child Jokes
Here is a list of funny doctor and child jokes and even better doctor and child puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
- Woman at the doctor Woman ask doctor: "My child refuse to eat fish. How can I adequatelly replace it?"
Doctor's answer: "With cat. Cat eats fish" - Ever since I was a child I've wanted to be a doctor, but my horse keeps telling me I can't. He's such a naysayer.
- What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.
- Doctor, I came to pick up my wife's results... Husband: Doctor, I came to pick up my wife's results...
Doctor: 1st floor Nursery. Please do not call your child that. - A doctor is performing a very dangerous operation on a child. Doctor: The chances of you surviving this are only 50%
Child: Lets do it 2 times then!
*high fives the doctor* - Doctor: Happy boy is born to your house. Motu: Hey, this is amazing technology. The wife is in my hospital and the child is born at home.
- What did the pregnant lady say to the annoying doctor who couldn't seem to deliver her child? Cut it out!
- A woman had a child early this day The doctor came to her one hour after her
The doc said everything is fine the child is breathing properly
The mother gasped and said "is that a JoJo reference" - I like to say I'm a child at heart... but my doctor adamantly disagrees.

Comical Child Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about child you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make child pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...
...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... are having a beer together...
One r**... asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other r**... responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."
Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(AP) New York - A baby delivered without eyelids had surgery today at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, NY. Doctors successfully removed the child's f**... and were able to use the tissue to successfully form eyelids. Doctors said the child will be fine.
Just a little cockeyed.
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Political correctness gone mad.
I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."
Sorry, tuba players...
A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.
When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
"I joined the orchestra!"
"I must go," said my friend.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."
One, day little Johnny asks his father,
"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.
"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."
After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,
"Well son, does that answer your question?"
"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."
A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.
The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president?
Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother has 3 kids
A mother has 3 kids.
The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"
The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"
The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."
"SHUT UP BRICK"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's a child and a gorilla...
...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between w**... from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
Does God use our bathroom
A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten
As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"
Childhood is like getting drunk..
... everyone remembers what you did except you.
A child tells the make a wish foundation.
So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
Children are so unappreciative these days.
I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
Kylo Ren: I've always hated being an only child
Han: You're not an only child. You're a Solo child.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"
First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
First Day At School
The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!
Me in August, and her in November.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.
How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"We Do Not Have A Child s**... Colony On Mars."
They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.
My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right..
I'm an only child.
I remember my mother telling me, I have no favorite child.
Harsh seeing as I'm an only child.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a Muslim beats his wife,
would it be domestic violence or child a**...?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A child with an imaginary friend is normal
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?
Employee discounts
Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.
Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little c**...-eyed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's it called when an i**... immigrant and a child m**... get in a fist fight?
Alien VS predator
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a m**... cow?
Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.
What's the good part about Naming your child?
That you don't have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
You have to be alive to have autism.
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own u**... else I would die
Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.
A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I'm leaving you!..."
I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!
But honey, what about our child?
What child?!
Oh, so you're not pregnant?

