Child Jokes

These are the 183 child jokes and hilarious child puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about child that are good jokes for kids and friends.

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jokes about child

Best Short Child Jokes

These are our top child puns. Have fun with a good child joke in English with simple child humour.

  1. A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
  2. Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
  3. Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
  4. My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
  5. Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
  6. My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
  7. Have you seen the new Exorcist movie? This time it's the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
  8. As God created this human child, God asked him... "How about an extra chromosome?"
    The child replied, "I'd be down for that."
  9. It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child
  10. My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Child joke, My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

Make fun with this list of one liners, gags and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor found in these child jokes can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of child puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, these jokes offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Child One Liners

Which child dad jokes are funny enough to crack down and make fun with child?

  1. Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
  2. As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man
  3. My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child
  4. I was raised as an only child which really annoyed my sister
  5. My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
  6. My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
  7. How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.
  8. Why wouldn't the anti-vaxxers child eat his broccoli? He's dead
  9. I'm against lesbian couples adopting a child... Which one is going to tell the dad jokes?
  10. A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."
  11. What do you call a child with redheaded parents? Ginger-bred
  12. What do you call it when two flowers have a child? Plant parenthood.
  13. When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes They did unspeakable things to me
  14. I was a stillborn child My mother didn't want me but I was still born
  15. Turns out when asked who your favorite child is... You're supposed to pick your own.

Only Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny only child jokes and even better only child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase
  • When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she'd be a comedian No one's laughing now.
  • My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
  • "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
    "We tried, but nobody would take you"
  • A child with an imaginary friend is normal An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
    And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
  • Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...
    And slightly to the left...
  • Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house. They still got in.
  • Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
  • The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
  • My parents just said they want another child. "I'd love a sibling!" I said.
    "That's not what we meant." they replied.

Fathered Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny fathered child jokes and even better fathered child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied: "Beats Me"
  • My girlfriend told me she was pregnant. I was in tears Because I know how hard it is to raise a child without a father
  • A father goes to pick his daughter up from school There is another mother waiting there
    She asks, "Are you expecting a child?"
    The father replies with, "No, this is just from beer "
  • My father was never proud me. When I was child he asked, "How old are you now son?"
    "I'm 5."
    He replied, "When I was your age I was 6."
  • It's 2023, a child asks her father "how did Donald Trump get elected?" ".....that was the year all the adults were busy coloring."
  • When I was a child, my father would always tell me, "The sky's the limit!" He was never supportive of my dreams to become an astronaut.
  • The Smart Kid
    A child asks his father:
    - Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?
    - From your mother, I think. I still have mine.
  • A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
  • What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson
  • I was a complex child My mother was real and my father was imaginary.

Parent Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny parent child jokes and even better parent child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today... And that's just for the alcohol.
  • My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up I'm an only child :(
  • Parents save more by not vaccinating their children Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.
  • My parents told me that they don't have a favourite child. It was tough, considering I am the only child.
  • How do parents punish their blind child? They rearranged the furniture.
  • My parents raised me as an only child... Which really upset my sister
  • What's the difference between an elevator and my parents An elevator can raise a child
  • Why can't two Chinese parents make a white child Two Wongs don't make a white
  • the hardest part about hitting a child in public... is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.
  • My ex was orphan as a child I should have taken that as the first sign.
    If her parents didn't want her, why would I.

Doctor And Child Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and child jokes and even better doctor and child puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated child. But I think …. I'll give it a shot.
  • I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
  • Woman at the doctor Woman ask doctor: "My child refuse to eat fish. How can I adequatelly replace it?"
    Doctor's answer: "With cat. Cat eats fish"
  • I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband!"
  • I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?" Is this her first child?" he asked.
    "No, this is her husband."
  • Five little monkeys jumping on the bed... One fell off and bumped his head, his momma called the doctor, and the doctor said, "I'm calling Child Protective Services."
  • A Husband calls his doctor and say: My wife is going into labor what should I do? Doctor: Is this her first child?
    Husband: No, this is her husband.
  • Ever since I was a child I've wanted to be a doctor, but my horse keeps telling me I can't. He's such a naysayer.
  • What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.
  • Doctor, I came to pick up my wife's results... Husband: Doctor, I came to pick up my wife's results...
    Doctor: 1st floor Nursery. Please do not call your child that.
Child joke, Doctor, I came to pick up my wife's results...

Comical Child Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about child to tell and make people laugh ? Check out these list of good jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make child prank.

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.

They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Two r**... are having a beer together...

One r**... asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other r**... responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."

She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

Childish but made me laugh

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used t**... and ask, "What period is this from?"

Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

My dad never really loved me as a child

I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

"I must go," said my friend.

"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."

When I was a child, I was r**... by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president?

Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.

So there's a child and a gorilla...

...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

What's the difference between w**... from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

Does God use our bathroom

A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

Childhood is like getting drunk..

... everyone remembers what you did except you.

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

A thief, a child m**... and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

Kylo Ren: I've always hated being an only child

Han: You're not an only child. You're a Solo child.

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

Women are like parking lots.

The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

"We Do Not Have A Child s**... Colony On Mars."

They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.

My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right..

I'm an only child.

I remember my mother telling me, I have no favorite child.

Harsh seeing as I'm an only child.

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child a**...?

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?

Employee discounts

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

m**... in the jungle

A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little c**...-eyed.

What's it called when an i**... immigrant and a child m**... get in a fist fight?

Alien VS predator

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

What do you call a m**... cow?

Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.

What's the good part about Naming your child?

That you don't have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have s**....

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....


An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own u**... else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.

If two redheads have a child, it's ginger-bred.

Yeah I reposted this for the 6th time in six years on this sub

Child joke, If two redheads have a child, it's ginger-bred.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like kids and toddlers can enjoy. They can be verbal, as in a play on words, or narrative, often involving a set-up and a punchline. JokoJokes has it all! Jokes in Spanish are also found. Teens are often joking with 4 year olds and 6 year olds. Found out more in our Jokes FAQ section

The impact of these child jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.