The Best 80 Chil Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Chil jokes. There are some chil ock jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these chil joe puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Chil Jokes and Puns
As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa
I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero
The Invisible Man
You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do...
Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well.
A child was born without a body...
The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".
How many children with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go swimming?
A child asks his grandmother, "Grandma, whats it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
The grandmother replies, "Why, that's called sexual intercourse". The boy considers this, then runs outside to join his friends. A short time later the boy runs back inside and says, "Grandma, you were wrong, its called bunk beds, and Billy's Mom wants to talk to you.
A Child Didn't Attend School
Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
A child and Human Origin
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Children Are Hereditary
Children are hereditary...
if your parents were not able to have any children, chances are you won't be able to either.
When I was a child, my father would always tell me, "The sky's the limit!"
He was never supportive of my dreams to become an astronaut.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
You can explore chil thi reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chil wel dad jokes. There are also chil puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
As a child I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Courtesy of Gary Delaney
Childish but made me laugh
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"
As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Child: "Mama, I'm tired of running in circles..."
Mom: "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"
What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows yet.
A child asks: "Mom, why do women wear white on their wedding day?"
Mom: Well, they wear white because it's the happiest day of their life.
Child: Then why does the man wear black?
When I was a child, I was raped by a group of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me.
I went to a child psychologist once.
He was rubbish. He was only seven.
So there's a child and a gorilla...
...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.
As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters
..until I realised they weren't to scale.
A child walks in on his dad...
... while he was masturbating. The son says "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies with "Don't worry you will be doing this soon enough." Then the son says "how come?" Then the dad says "Because my hand is getting tired."
If we're all God's Children...
What's so special about Jesus ?
As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine
As I got older I realized it was just a phase
As a child I was always taught there is a brain in my skull.
Now I can't get it out of my head.
Childhood is like getting drunk..
... everyone remembers what you did except you.
A child tells the make a wish foundation.
So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
Children are so unappreciative these days.
I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".
A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died
He was sentenced to death
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
How are children like slinkies?
It's fun to toss them down stairs.
Children with gay fathers as parents, I seriously sympathize you all
It's not easy growing up with twice the dad jokes.
A child molester, a conman and a priest walks into a bar
He then sat down.
Where should children with ADHD be sent?
A Concentration Camp!
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?
A dog, dogs eat meat
Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won!
The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!
Me in August, and her in November.
A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list
He's now at terminal velocity.
"We Do Not Have A Child Slave Colony On Mars."
They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.
Child soldiers are important
They form the infantry
A child with an imaginary friend is normal
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen
Onions was a good dog :(
Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?
Employee discounts
Children are like testicles.
If anyone hurts mine then I'm bound to cry.
What did the child say when he bumped his knee?
Ow, my kidney.
Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...
...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
You have to be alive to have autism.
My childhood was effectively over at 11.
That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.
Three children talking to each other...
The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die
Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.
A child was competing in a spelling bee and was doing quite well, until the moderator said: "your word is 'inward' "....
Spelling bee contestant: "N-I-G-G..."
Moderator: "Jesus no, stop please! "
A child asked his mom, "Mom how did I get my name?"
"Well Rose, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head, so we called you Rose"
Another child came up to her " Mom how did you get my name?"
"Well Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on you, so that's what we called you.
Child 3: "Mmmm Uuuuuuuuuu Mmmmmmmmm Eeeeeee Mahhhhh Mahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Mom: "Shut up fridge"
A child asked his father:
"How were people born"? So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and had babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him: "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A child ask his mother: "Did you know our maid was an angel?"
Mom: Why do you say that?
Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : "Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
If dad wasn't there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!
Didn't want to have children any more so I went and got a vasectomy
But when I came home they were still here...
What do children and tattoos have in common?
Both are pretty permanent, but can be removed with lasers.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins.
*
A child asks his father what "gay" means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.
I told my mom I wasn't hungry.
She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!
I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
A Child walks in on his parents...
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son masturbating
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt
Why aren't children allowed to watch movies about green ogres?
Because of all the Shrexual content.
Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year
Hers is in February and mine in July
My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A cat.
Cats love fish.
Children are born with 4 kidneys.
Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.
How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Apparently it's more than six because it's still dark in my basement.
A child and his father were going to ride their bikes.
Child: \*wearing a beanie
Father: When you are going to ride your bike, you should always wear a helmet
Child: Don't worry dad, this is better. I already tested it.
Father: How?
Child: I threw them both out of the 3rd floor window. The helmet broke.
Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents,
which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.
Childbirth
All my life, I've heard women say that childbirth is the most painful thing in the world, even worse than a man getting kicked between the legs. How they know that? I'm not sure. But I can prove them wrong: A woman has a baby. A year-and-a-half to two years later, she wants another one. I've never heard a man ask to have another kick in the nuts.
How do you get your child excited to go church in Sunday?
Tell them you are going to the prayground
Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu
A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:
Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.
Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.
Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings
Two tomato's are chilling in the fridge
The first one says "Dang, its kind of cold in here"
The second one backs away, and says "Holy shit its a talking tomato"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs."
As a child, I was afraid of the dark.
Now, when I see the electricity bill, I'm afraid of the light.
How many children do you need to paint a wall red?
It depends on how strong your throw is.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the chil tot jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working chil ment piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.