Chicago Jokes
108 chicago jokes and hilarious chicago puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about chicago that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Don't miss out on these hilarious Chicago jokes! From the Bears and Cubs to the Bean and Bulls, we have all the best jabs at Chicago's beloved sports teams. Also, don't forget about the Sox, Blackhawks and Detroit! Get your fill of laughs from the Windy City and the state of Illinois.
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Funniest Chicago Short Jokes
Short chicago jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The chicago humour may include short chicago bears jokes also.
- Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charge dropped... I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
- Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time." - What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common? They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*) - I like to be frank and earnest with women. In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.
- Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight... At least act like you've been there before.
- What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago? They're both making frozen number two.
- The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets... Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
- They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games. They lost the opener.
- One time I was alone and got lost in downtown Chicago, and got jumped by four black guys. They were real nice, car started right up, and they even gave me directions back to the interstate.
- Today's performance of Hamilton in Chicago was cancelled due to the cold. Once again, Brrr killed Hamilton.
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Chicago One Liners
Which chicago one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with chicago? I can suggest the ones about jersey and district.
- It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning. You could hear the gunshots.
- Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago Because he's still alive
- I just ordered a Chicago style pizza. It started shooting as soon I opened the box.
- What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for? Completely Useless By September
- How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? None. It fell down the stairs.
- What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.? Call Baltimore, M.D.
- why do they call Chicago the windy city? Because of all the bullets whizzing past.
- If I had a dollar for every mugging in S Chicago... I'd still have nothing
- Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago? Because 'Illinois you!
- If you want to warm something up in Chicago... You would place it in a fridge.
- Breaking News: Struggling Chicago Bears Fire John Fox One can dream. ^(AND CRY)
- What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago? Mine is "Gunshots Or Fireworks?"
- The Chicago Cubs have come a long way... Four-nothing
- To the Chicago Cubs Thanks, you've doomed us all.
- Chicago really is the windy city. After all, they did just win de World Series
Chicago Bears Jokes
Here is a list of funny chicago bears jokes and even better chicago bears puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently. The bullet went wide right.
- What do you call a bear that can't win? A Chicago Bear
- What internet browser do the Chicago Bears use? Firefox.
- A friend told me that the biggest furry convention was in Chicago, Illinois I had an epiphany and said maybe THAT'S why they're called the Chicago Bears
Chicago Cubs Jokes
Here is a list of funny chicago cubs jokes and even better chicago cubs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win... It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.
- I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.
- Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
- I can prove global warming is real. The Chicago Cubs are still playing its October already.
Chicago Bulls Jokes
Here is a list of funny chicago bulls jokes and even better chicago bulls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the Chicago Bulls keep Scotty Pippen on the team? So Michael Jordan had something to put his cigars out on.
Chicago Weather Jokes
Here is a list of funny chicago weather jokes and even better chicago weather puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you don't like the weather... in Chicago, wait 10 minutes.
in San Francisco, walk 2 blocks.
in New York, go on vacation.
in Phoenix, move.
in San Diego, you're wrong. - The weather in Chicago tonight Dark and cloudy, with a chance of drive-by
Chicago Bean Jokes
Here is a list of funny chicago bean jokes and even better chicago bean puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saw Mr. Bean in Han Solo's ship in Chicago today! Basically we saw The Bean in Millennium Park...
Comical Chicago Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about chicago you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean windy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make chicago pranks.
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked...
her class what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"
Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Chicago called the Windy City?
Because Indiana s**... and Wisconsin blows
How long is the flight?
A Polish man calls up an airline.
"How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"
"One minute..."
"Thank you." *click*
What is 32% black, 45% white...
...gets lit up and changes to blue and red at night?
Chicago.
So I heard on the news that there was a school shooting in my city of Chicago.
It must've been a slow news day.
A friend of mine said he personally knows a defenseman from the Chicago Blackhawks
I said to him "Oduya?"
There's a new boy band and all the members are gay
They were born in Chicago and reared in LA.
My Dad was the town drunk,
... and we lived in Chicago.
Breaking news
A landslide recently struck downtown Chicago, causing $3 million worth of improvements.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Being football fans ... Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south ?
Because Minnesota blows & Chicago s**...
I like my pizza "Chicago" style.
full of bullet holes.
Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now...
BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT!!!!!!!!
I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago
What's one more p**... hole?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower s**...
The other 10% have never been to prison.
TIL Chicago is the #1 supporter of Latin women.
They always yell: Go Chica! Go!
What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?
"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We now finally have proof that o**... Bin Laden is dead
He just registered to vote in Chicago
What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect?
"Stop. Police."
After winning the World Series, the city of Chicago is rioting
So nothing seems to have changed.
Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908
In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.
My parents are from Chicago...
...which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child.
Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Baseball fans in Chicago and Boston got married.
It's not a same-sox marriage.
How do Chicago teachers know who's going to be absent?
Reading the obituaries
How many Chicago PD does it take to throw a 69 year old doctor into an armrest?
None, he fell.
What do you call a tornado in Chicago?
A bulletstorm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL: On an average week in Chicago, there are around a hundred shootings and five to ten people are killed.
Those people need to take lessons or something. Their aim must be awful.
Why was Chicago blushing at the party?
It's ShyTown
I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn't seem to find it, so I asked for directions...
The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, The city of Chicago is the shooting range.
Chicago is getting a new area code this year.
911
Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi
I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.
Did you know Chicago is the world biggest outdoor shooting range.
How does someone without an alarm clock in Chicago wake up in the morning?
Police sirens
How did the mayor of Chicago learn to cook noodles?
With the Ramen Manual
Tommy Wiseau went around America greeting people named after letters.
He went to Chicago: "Oh hai M"
He went to Indianapolis: "Oh hai N"
We went to Cleveland: "Oh hai O"
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two morons are at the train station.
The first m**... asks the clerk, "Can I take this train to Chicago?"
"No," the clerk responds.
The second m**... asks the clerk, "Can I?"
What did the police say to criminals in Chicago?
Chill out guys
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago.
So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting p**....
Ever since I moved away from downtown Chicago...
...I really feel like I'm out of the Loop.
I hear that in Chicago there's a lot of mist. but in Salt Lake City
Bigamist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."
"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"Boo who?"
"CHICAGO"
He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to h**..., this works out.
Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't Chicago take a hard stance on crime?
Why can't Chicago take a hard stance on crime.... because they have a Lightfoot!
I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.
I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."
The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"
I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."
