Chicago Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

poor guy.

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.



(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.

You could hear the gunshots.

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why the clown?"

The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"

90% of Men in Chicago have had shower sex

The other 10% have never been to prison.

Do you know what Sin City is?

Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?


Person 2: Las Vegas


Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?


Person 2: Chicago


Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?


Person 2: ...


Person 1: Mass over volume

I like to be frank and earnest with women.

In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.

Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...

At least act like you've been there before.

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked...

her class what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"

What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago?

They're both making frozen number two.

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor (tooter)


Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

An Illinois man…

…left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Β 

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Β 

DEAREST WIFE, Β 

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. Β 

YOUR LOVING HUSBANDΒ 

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

Government contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets...

Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.

Custody trial

Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?

J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "

JB: "no, she beats me."

J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"

JB: "no, he beats me too."

J: "then who will you live with?"

JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"

What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?

The amount of lead put into black people.

(It was funnier over the radio)

From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Goldilocks and the Three Bears (American Football Fans Will Understand)

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce after the fiasco with Goldilocks, but they must decide custody of baby bear.
The judge takes baby bear aside, and asks politely, "Would you like to live with Papa Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear answers, "Papa Bear beats me!"
"Oh no." the judge replies. "Then you can live with Mama Bear."
"No!" Baby Bear exclaims. "She beats me too!"
"Oh dear." Says the judge. "Well then, who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears because they never beat anyone!"*

*This isn't true as the Bears are the best team ever.

There's 3 bears..

Mama bear, papa bear and baby bear.
The parents get divorced and have to go to court to decide custody of the baby bear. The judge decides to let the baby decide:
"do you want to go with your momma baby?"
Baby replies : " no because she beats me!"
Judge: " How about with your papa?"
Baby:" No he beats me too!"
Judge :"then what do you want to do baby bear?"
Baby: "I want to go with the Chicago bears"
Judge:" why the Chicago bears?"
Baby "Because they don't beat anyone!"

I'm from Chicago, a homeless guy told me this one on my way home from work because I have a bears patch on my bag. Found it funny but it hurt!

Business Trip

A nurse is making her rounds through a nursing home and pops into a room. The man is sitting in his bed animatedly acting like he's driving, "vroom vroom" sound effects and everything. The nurse says, "Ed, what are you doing?" "I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," Ed replies.

The nurse leaves Ed's room, and makes it two doors down the hall where she finds another patient furiously masturbating. "Joe, what do you think you're doing," the nurse yells. Joe replies, "I'm fuckin' Ed's wife while he's in Chicago!"

I'm always Frank & Earnest With Women

In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest

Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.

Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?

Baby Bear: No, she beats me.

Judge: Ok how about your Papa?

Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...

Judge: Then who do you want to live with?

Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!

Lethal Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."


A preacher at a church in Chicago...

...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" One person slowly raises their hand. Then another and then another. Soon, everyone has raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me begin my sermon on lying."

Silent Treatment [Long]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said...

It is 5:00am, wake up.

Planting potatoes in Chicago

So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad :

"Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help. With love, your father."

Later that night, Ahmad responds :

"Dear dad, for the love of God PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE LAND ! I have buried "the thing" there. Your loving son, Ahmad."

That same night at 3 in the morning, 4 FBI agents broke into the father's house and investigated the backyard, inch by inch, without finding anything. They went away without being noticed.

Ahmad sent another email to his father : "Dear father, I am 100% positive that the land is now plowed. I couldn't have done it better myself. Ahmad."

So a guy named Mike applies to join a Chicago police department.

"The first test is to lift a bag that is the size of a human and carry it to safety out of a building.", says the chief.

Mike succeeds.

"Next, you must show us your driving skills and show that you can handle a police car.", the chief says.

Mike succeeds.

"Now, for your final test, I want you to go shoot a black teenager and three songbirds.", says the chief.

"Why should I shoot three songbirds?", says Mike.

"Congratulations, you've got the job!", says the chief.

Today's performance of Hamilton in Chicago was cancelled due to the cold.

Once again, Brrr killed Hamilton.

Chicago Police Department

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".

funny husband and wife playing silent .......

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up.

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?

Because Indiana sucks and Wisconsin blows

What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for?

Completely Useless By September

Hey everybody! I just flew in from Chicago, and good golly are my arms tired!!

From masturbating on the plane.

How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi

I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.

What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?

"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"

I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn't seem to find it, so I asked for directions...

The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, The city of Chicago is the shooting range.

What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.?

Call Baltimore, M.D.

If I had a dollar for every mugging in S Chicago...

I'd still have nothing

TIL: On an average week in Chicago, there are around a hundred shootings and five to ten people are killed.

Those people need to take lessons or something. Their aim must be awful.

A friend of mine said he personally knows a defenseman from the Chicago Blackhawks

I said to him "Oduya?"

We now finally have proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead

He just registered to vote in Chicago

Pack your Bags

A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage.
As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, "I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."
The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the women and says, "I'm sorry, we can't do that!"
The woman says, "Well why not? You guys did it last time without me even asking?"

An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago

What's one more pot hole?

So, an elementary teacher in Chicago is on her first day at the job...

To get to know her students, she asks "Hey, which of you guys love the White Sox?" and everyone but one of her students exitedly raises their hands.

So she asks the single student why he doesn't love the White Sox. And the kid replies "Uh, I dunno... my mother was a cheerleader for the Cubs, and my dad played for them, and they met that way... so, of course I love them?".

And the teacher says "Oh. But you don't have to love a team because of your parents. If your father was a random pimp and your mother was some crack-whore?".

"I guess then I'd be a White Sox fan...".

Mother and Father

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

If you want to warm something up in Chicago...

You would place it in a fridge.

Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago?

Because 'Illinois you!

They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win...

It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.

How long is the flight?

A Polish man calls up an airline.

"How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"

"One minute..."

"Thank you." *click*

Being football fans ... Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south ?

Because Minnesota blows & Chicago sucks

Ever since I moved away from downtown Chicago...

...I really feel like I'm out of the Loop.

What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago?

Mine is "Gunshots Or Fireworks?"

How many Chicago PD does it take to throw a 69 year old doctor into an armrest?

None, he fell.

Two morons are at the train station.

The first moron asks the clerk, "Can I take this train to Chicago?"

"No," the clerk responds.

The second moron asks the clerk, "Can I?"

I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series.

108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.

The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago.

So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Breaking News: Struggling Chicago Bears Fire John Fox

One can dream. ^(AND CRY)

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now...

BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT!!!!!!!!

A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered.

He was soon told that seat was reserved for flight attendants. With his limited English he did not fully understand what he was told but hand signals soon got him to move a little further back.

Soon there was another person persuading him to move out of first class. Again he moved further back.

There was yet another discussion and he took no further chances and went to the very last seat in the tourist section.

Some time later a flight attendant asked him if he was 'For Coffee!'

Furious he replied, "You foh coffee, I stayah hee."

The Chicago Cubs have come a long way...

Four-nothing

A Man Left Chicago for a Florida Vacation...

And his wife was coming down the next day to meet him. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife an email. While typing her email address, however, he left out a letter and the email was sent to an elderly woman. Her husband, who was a priest, had died the day before. The widow, while grieving, checked her email and let out a scream. She fainted onto the floor, and her family rushed into the room. They found an email saying this on her computer: "Dearest Wife- Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS- Sure is hot down here!"

What are the funniest chicago jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Chicago? Well, here are the best Chicago puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Chicago pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes