The Best 71 Chicago Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Chicago jokes. There are some chicago milwaukee jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these chicago chicago weather puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Chicago Jokes and Puns
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for?
Completely Useless By September
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor (tooter)
Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.
A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked...
her class what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"
I'm always Frank & Earnest With Women
In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest
Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Why is Chicago called the Windy City?
Because Indiana sucks and Wisconsin blows
How long is the flight?
A Polish man calls up an airline.
"How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"
"One minute..."
"Thank you." *click*
So I heard on the news that there was a school shooting in my city of Chicago.
It must've been a slow news day.
Custody trial
Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?
J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "
JB: "no, she beats me."
J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"
JB: "no, he beats me too."
J: "then who will you live with?"
JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"
You can explore chicago illinois reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chicago philadelphia dad jokes. There are also chicago puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A friend of mine said he personally knows a defenseman from the Chicago Blackhawks
I said to him "Oduya?"
What would you do of you found Chicago, Ill.?
Call Baltimore, M.D.
Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago?
Because 'Illinois you!
Free shipping?
I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time."
Hey everybody! I just flew in from Chicago, and good golly are my arms tired!!
From masturbating on the plane.
My Dad was the town drunk,
... and we lived in Chicago.
The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets...
Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
Being football fans ... Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south ?
Because Minnesota blows & Chicago sucks
What do you call a bear that can't win?
A Chicago Bear
I like my pizza "Chicago" style.
full of bullet holes.
Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now...
BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT!!!!!!!!
The Chicago Cubs have come a long way...
Four-nothing
I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago
What's one more pot hole?
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?
They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)
What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?
The amount of lead put into black people.
(It was funnier over the radio)
I like to be frank and earnest with women.
In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.
90% of Men in Chicago have had shower sex
The other 10% have never been to prison.
TIL Chicago is the #1 supporter of Latin women.
They always yell: Go Chica! Go!
What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?
"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"
We now finally have proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead
He just registered to vote in Chicago
Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...
At least act like you've been there before.
Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series...
I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.
You could hear the gunshots.
After winning the World Series, the city of Chicago is rioting
So nothing seems to have changed.
Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908
In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.
I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series.
108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.
Chicago really is the windy city.
After all, they did just win de World Series
They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win...
It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.
To the Chicago Cubs
Thanks, you've doomed us all.
How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.
How many Chicago PD does it take to throw a 69 year old doctor into an armrest?
None, he fell.
Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 2: Las Vegas
Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?
Person 2: Chicago
Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?
Person 2: ...
Person 1: Mass over volume
What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago?
Mine is "Gunshots Or Fireworks?"
If I had a dollar for every mugging in S Chicago...
I'd still have nothing
TIL: On an average week in Chicago, there are around a hundred shootings and five to ten people are killed.
Those people need to take lessons or something. Their aim must be awful.
Why was Chicago blushing at the party?
It's ShyTown
Breaking News: Struggling Chicago Bears Fire John Fox
One can dream. ^(AND CRY)
I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn't seem to find it, so I asked for directions...
The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, The city of Chicago is the shooting range.
What internet browser do the Chicago Bears use?
Firefox.
Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi
I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.
Two University of Chicago professors are walking down the street
One says look, a twenty dollar bill!
The other replies no, if there was really a twenty dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up .
A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department
He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.
"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"
The man asks, "why the clown?"
The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"
Mama Bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce
Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce. The judge asks baby bear what parent he wants to live with.
Judge: Ok baby bear, do you want to live with your Mama?
Baby Bear: No, she beats me.
Judge: Ok how about your Papa?
Baby Bear: No he beats me even more...
Judge: Then who do you want to live with?
Baby Bear: I want to live with the Chicago Bears! They don't beat anyone!
Two morons are at the train station.
The first moron asks the clerk, "Can I take this train to Chicago?"
"No," the clerk responds.
The second moron asks the clerk, "Can I?"
Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.
The bullet went wide right.
Today's performance of Hamilton in Chicago was cancelled due to the cold.
Once again, Brrr killed Hamilton.
If you want to warm something up in Chicago...
You would place it in a fridge.
What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago?
They're both making frozen number two.
The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago.
So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
Ever since I moved away from downtown Chicago...
...I really feel like I'm out of the Loop.
I hear that in Chicago there's a lot of mist. but in Salt Lake City
Bigamist.
My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."
"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"Boo who?"
"CHICAGO"
He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to Hell, this works out.
Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.
Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago
Because he's still alive
Why can't Chicago take a hard stance on crime?
Why can't Chicago take a hard stance on crime.... because they have a Lightfoot!
They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.
They lost the opener.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Chicago yesterday?
Oh don't worry, he woke up
One time I was alone and got lost in downtown Chicago, and got jumped by four black guys.
They were real nice, car started right up, and they even gave me directions back to the interstate.
I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.
It started shooting as soon I opened the box.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the chicago chicago bears jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working chicago chicago cubs piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.