Chh Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i'm not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

One of my black friends told me this, and I didn't know if I should laugh: What do you call a black hitchhiker?

Stranded

Hitchhiker

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.

Hitchhiking

*Ted stopped on the side of the road after seeing a hitchhiker.*

* **Hitchhiker:** Hello there. Is the city far?
* **Ted:** No.
* **Hitchhiker:** May I get in your car?
* **Ted:** Yes.

*After a couple of hours of driving in silence...*

* **Hitchhiker:** Is the city far?
* **Ted:** Yes, now it is.

october

So a nun was driving along a road one October evening when it noticed a hitch hiker. The nun decided to pick him up. After a while, the man (hitchhiker) says,"Sister, i know you would disapprove, but i find you very attractive and would like to have intercourse with you. Im not married, so i woud not be sinning as much." Reluctantly, the nun says," will have anal sex with you, so it is not fully a sin." So, they pull over and get freaky, and get back in the car. The man says,"Sister, i really enjoyed that, but i have a confession; im married, and have 4 children." Appalled, the nun replies,"i have a confession to. My names Bob, and im on my way to a costume party."

An elderly man walks into a confessional...

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .

A rather effeminate looking man is hitchhiking near the interstate

when he is finally picked up by a big burly truck driver. The man gets in the truck and chats with the driver for a few miles. Finally, wanting to get the inevitable question out of the way, the hitchhiker says "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" responds the truck driver.

"Aren't you going to ask me whether I'm a boy or girl? Everyone always has to ask whether I'm a boy or girl"

The truck driver quickly replies "Oh, it don't matter, I'm gonna fuck you either way"

An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

Cowboy and a Priest

So a redneck cowboy is driving down the road in his truck, in a rush to get to his girlfriends house. All of a sudden he sees a priest on the side of the road hitchhiking. "Ahh shit!" says the cowboy, "no matter how big of a rush Im in, i can't leave a priest out here hitchhiking" So the Cowboy pulls over and lets the priest in the car. "Thank you son, it sure is a long way back to the monastery from here" So the two of them continue down the road making small talk, when the cowboy sees another hitchhiker up the road but this one is a black guy. "Hmmmm" thinks the cowboy "I can't ignore someone in need with a priest in the car, but there's no way I'm giving that black guy a ride. I know... Ill pretend to fall asleep, drift to the side and run his ass over. It'll all look like an accident!" So the cowboy pretends to nod off at just the right time, and all of a sudden he hears a THUMP! "Oh my gosh, did I just hit that poor black man!?" the cowboy exclaimed. "No" said the priest, "you missed his black ass, but luckily I got him with the door"

A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over

One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

The hitchhiker

A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."

Have you guys heard the secret about butter?

I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...

BONUS:

What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

*BUHDUMCHHH*

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked How do you know I'm not a serial killer?

I replied, The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.

What do you call a black hitchhiker?

Stranded.

The Hitchhiker

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the Native man in, offering him a ride home.

The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eying the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife."

The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies

"Good trade."

A man was driving across country, when suddenly he saw a hitchhiker.

He picked her up and while they were driving the two of them got talking.
"What do you do?", asked the man.
"I'm a witch", said the hitchhiker.
"One of those, spells, potions and turn people into frogs kind of witches?"
"That's the one".
"Oh yeah? Can you show me?"
She started stroking his inner thigh.
Just like that, the man turned into a hotel.

You know, said Arthur, it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.

You know, said Arthur, it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.

Why, what did she tell you?

I don't know, I didn't listen.


*- Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy*

AZ Hitchhiker

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....'

The Party

A man is hitchhiking close to sundown when a trucker picks him up.

Trucker: Where you headed?


Man: I'll get a room at the next town.


Trucker: I'm headed to a party in woods up the road. You're welcome to go.

Man: That sounds great.

Trucker: Just to warn you though, there's going to be a lot of drinking.

Man: Perfect. I could use a drink.

Trucker: There's going to be some swearing.

Man: My kind of people.

Trucker: There's going to be some fighting.

Man: I can hold my own.

Trucker: And there's going to be a whole lot of fucking.

Man: Damn! This sounds like the party of the year. How many people are going to be there?

Trucker: Just you and me.

Black Hitchhikers

There was a truck driver going down a road when he saw a black hitchhiker, so he swerved to hit him and heard a resounding thud. A few hours later, he was driving again and sure enough he saw another black hitchhiker, so he swerved again to hit the man, and thud. Later, he saw a priest hitchhiking. Being a God fearing man he picked up the priest. As they were driving down the road, the driver saw yet another black hitchhiker and swerved to hit him, but jerked away at the last second fearful of what the priest would do. To his dismay, the driver heard a thud. With wide, horrified eyes, he looked at the priest who said, "Don't worry. I got him with the door."

A guy pulls over to pick up this smoking hot hitchhiker..

...when some dude jumps out of the woods, puts a gun to his head & yells: "Start jerking off!" He does.

"Jerk off again!" He does.

"Once more!" He does.

Thank you sir. Can you please give my beautiful sister here a ride into town? "

A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road

An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"

So I picked up a hitchhiker the other day...

After he got in he turned to me and jokingly said "Thanks, by the way how do you know I'm not a serial killer or something". I replied, "C'mon, the chances of /two/ serial killers being in the same car are astronomical".

So This Hitchhiker is walking down the Highway.....

He has long dark hair, a big parka, a giant backpack, and a hat on. As each car approaches he sticks out his thumb. Eventually a semi truck pulls over and says, do you need a lift? The hitchhiker says, yes thank you and gets in the truck. They drive a mile down the road in complete silence. Eventually the hitchhiker turns to the truck driver and says, you know, with this big jacket on and my hat and long hair, I bet you didn't know if I was a guy or a girl. The truck looks him up and down, and is quiet for a moment. Eventually he looks back at the hitchhiker and says, doesn't matter imma fuck you anyway.

Courtesy of my elderly grandfather.

What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker...

Hop in...

What do you tell a hitchhiker with one leg?

Hop in

A person with three eyes, no arms and one leg is hitchhiking.

A British guy pulls over and says, "Aye! Aye! Aye! You look 'armless. Hop in."

A County Sheriff is driving down a desolate highway, through the woods in Georgia.

He sees a man, completely naked, tied up to a pine tree - arms completely around it, bent down on his knees, with his ass facing the road. The Sheriff pulls over - removes a balled up sock out of the guy's mouth, and asks him what happened.

The guy says, "I picked up a hitchhiker in town 20 miles back. Everything was fine, then all of a sudden, he pulled out a gun and told me to pull off the road. He made me take off all my clothes. Then he tied me to this tree, and he drove off with my car, my clothes, my iPhone, and my wallet. I've been here for two hours with my ass sticking out toward the road, and no one stopped to help me."

The Sheriff unzipped his pants, hummed the first few bars of the banjo part from Deliverance, and said to the guy, "Well, I guess this ain't your lucky day."

So a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer

Killer: "Turn down that dark road."

Rapist: "I was planning on it..."

Edit - Thank you magnificent stranger for gold!

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

An old favorite from my friend's dad

One day a man was driving on the highway and he saw a black hitchhiker. He swerved over and hit him. A few miles down the road, he saw another. He swerved over and hit him too. A few more miles and he saw a priest hitchhiking. He figured that he better give him a ride so he wont go to hell. As he is driving with the priest, he sees another black person on the side of the road. He doesn't want to hit him with the priest in the car. He figures that if he pretnds to fall asleep, he can swerve over and get him. He closes his eyes and starts drifting over. He hears a TINK, CLUNK. He wakes up and asks the priest,"What was that?" The priest says,"you almost missed that nigger, so I opened my door and got him."

What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

That awkward moment when a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer...

Killer: "Turn down that dark road down there."

Rapist: "I was planning on it..."

I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that read "HEAVEN"...

...So I ran him over.

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