Chess Jokes

What are some Chess jokes?

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Life is like chess...

We can't all be white.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

A friend and I were playing chess, and we wanted to make things interesting.

So we stopped playing chess.

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'.

So we stopped playing chess.

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?

Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

Reasons are:

1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park

But it's hard to find 32 of them

I like playing chess with bald people in the park

The problem is, it's kinda hard to find 32 of them

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.

Czech mate.

What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What did the English chav say when he won a game of chess?

Check m8.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

The first time I played chess, I thought the castles moved diagonally.

Rookie mistake.

Being the first to move in chess.

It's a white privilege.

"When did you stop beating your wife?"

"When her chess game improved."

A policeman and a prisoner play chess.

The policeman beats him.

What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess?

C4

How come Americans never play chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

The first rule of Alzheimers club,

Is don't talk about chess club

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

What do you call your friend from Prague who beat you at chess?

Your Czech mate

Russian Americans on chess (true story)

I was working with a Russian bike mechanic named Dmitri when my friend who came into the shop frequently started dating someone who was extremely good at chess. The chess player came into the shop one day so I said to Dmitri "Hey, Dmitri, you play chess don't you?"

"No. No, no not play chess."

"What do you mean 'not play chess'? I thought you all were supposed to be good at that kinda thing."

"No, no, prefer checkers"

"Checkers?! Why don't you like chess, Dmitri?"

"Because! If smart good at chess, not be bike mechanic! And when bored play chess fall asleep and (he slumps forwad) *pop* out your eye! Checkers only bruises."

Today I played chess with some old men in the park.

It was hard to round up 32 of them.

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

Why is chess banned in islam?

Cause the queen moves freely

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

Chess enthusiasts meet in their hotel after a tournament...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

A computer once beat me in chess

But it was no match for me in kick-boxing.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess

What does eating in Australia and playing chess have in common?

They both usually end with "check mate"

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

I make conversation like I play chess....

Plan 3 moves ahead then freak out when the other person doesn't do what I planned for.

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

Check, mate.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Chess Set

"I'd like to buy this chess set please"

"How will you be paying, sir?"

"Check mate"..

Life is a lot like chess

You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead.

And most people want to be white.

A blond American woman travels to Australia...

To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.

They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.

The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"

So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet

A Chess Shop

A man walks into a chess shop, and going over to the small asian manager, he asks if he can purchase a piece.

The manager says, "Oh sure. Take a rook."

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

They already lost two towers.

I was invited to a party full of vegans, but I wasn't there for very long.

We all sat down on the floor. Somebody brought out Monopoly, Frustration, Scrabble, Chess, Risk, Uno, Checkers, Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit and Connect Four.

Everybody in the room suddenly turned to me. The guy that had brought in all these games said, "So, which one shall we play?"

"Erm," I hesitated, all eyes glaring at me with anticipation, "I don't know--I, there's so much to choose from."

"Well, what's your favourite game?" he insisted.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have said "venison".

Why can't America play chess?

They are missing 2 towers

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a game of chess?

I'll be black

(Offensive) You know why americans lose every game of chess?

Because they start with two towers missing.

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

What chess piece is the best with kids?

The bishop

Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.

A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"

Two blondes are playing chess

Two blondes are playing chess.
(The joke doesn't end here)

Blond 1: I'm bored of this, let's go do something else.

Blond 2: Yeah, you're right cause your rook and my bishop is all that's left on the board.

(The joke doesn't end here either)



A guy sees them playing and proposes them to play a match with him.
Both of them refuse, saying that he'll win easily.


The guy: You can both play together against me.

The girls: But we would still lose.

The guy:Okay I'll play using only my left hand.

The girls: Yup! That's seems fair enough, lets play.

(It still does not end here)


The blondes obviously lose and the guy leaves.


Blonde 1:That's pathetic! He beat us at chess with his left hand!

Blonde 2:He fooled us!

Blonde 1:How?

Blonde 2:He must be left-handed!

Sarcasm is like a good game of chess

Most people don't know how to play chess.

"Ha! i killed all your black guys!"

Said my son, playing a lovely chess game with me.

^^*true ^^story

I had lunch with a chess player yesterday.

It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe

We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game.

He's my Czech mate

I made a friend at this chess club in Prague

Czech mate

About to play chess with a good friend from Prague

Czech mate

I've got a friend from Prague who is really good at chess

He's my Czech mate.

Bin Laden and Bush just started playing chess...

and Bush already lost two towers.

Why does the Pope always win at chess?

He has so many Bishops!

How to make Chess jokes?

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