The Best 79 Chess Jokes

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

A policeman and a prisoner play chess.

The policeman beats him.

Life is like chess...

We can't all be white.

Chess Set

"I'd like to buy this chess set please"

"How will you be paying, sir?"

"Check mate"..

What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess enthusiasts meet in their hotel after a tournament...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

What did the English chav say when he won a game of chess?

Check m8.

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

Check, mate.

Today I played chess with some old men in the park.

It was hard to round up 32 of them.

What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess?

C4

Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?

Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess

A friend and I were playing chess, and we wanted to make things interesting.

So we stopped playing chess.

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

How come Americans never play chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

Being the first to move in chess.

It's a white privilege.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

What do you call your friend from Prague who beat you at chess?

Your Czech mate

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'.

So we stopped playing chess.

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".

I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"

Confused he said, "mate, I know."

The first rule of Alzheimers club,

Is don't talk about chess club

Life is a lot like chess

You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead.

And most people want to be white.

I make conversation like I play chess....

Plan 3 moves ahead then freak out when the other person doesn't do what I planned for.

What does eating in Australia and playing chess have in common?

They both usually end with "check mate"

I like playing chess with bald people in the park

The problem is, it's kinda hard to find 32 of them

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

"When did you stop beating your wife?"

"When her chess game improved."

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

Reasons are:

1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.

Czech mate.

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

The first time I played chess, I thought the castles moved diagonally.

Rookie mistake.

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

Why is chess banned in islam?

Cause the queen moves freely

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

A computer once beat me in chess

But it was no match for me in kick-boxing.

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park

But it's hard to find 32 of them

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then one to the side.

Hm, funny how the knight moves.

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Life is like a game of chess

I cant play chess

At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..

..to find exactly 32 of them.

I got a job at a chess piece factory recently...

...I'm on the knight shift next week.

What do you play 4D chess on?

A chesseract!

I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

For me, chess is a lot like Tinder...

I know a few openings, but struggle to get into mating positions

My wife and I do a lot of mating.

I think we may have a chess addiction.

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

Did you know chess has a randomizer?

The results are across the board.

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(I'll check myself out, mate)

There's a new Netflix show coming out about an obese chess player...

Dairy Queen's Gambit

My Computer Beat Me At Chess Today

It was no match for me at kickboxing though.

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

Why do chess grandmasters use Tinder in Prague?

Because every good chess player makes a move for a Czech mate.

Norris: I can defeat any chess champion in three moves or less.

Boris: You know Chess?

Norris: No, Judo

Two guys are playing chess.

One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"

So they stop playing chess.

I just beat the world chess champion in 3 moves.

Finally my high school karate courses have paid off.

Two chess player were in an open lobby, bragging to each other about their recent victories.

The manager comes over and says, "Could you both go to your rooms now?"

They ask, "Why?"

The manager replies, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."