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Chemist Jokes

111 chemist jokes and hilarious chemist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about chemist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

From silly puns to one-liners, discover the best chemist jokes to brighten your day. Whether you're a fan of drugstore humor or fun puns involving chemistry and the druggist, you won't want to miss this collection of chem-inspired chuckles.

Funniest Chemist Short Jokes

Short chemist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The chemist humour may include short chemical jokes also.

  1. How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
    A plumber would say- 'you-niun-ized' ,whereas a chemist would say- 'un-ayon-ized'.
  2. My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized
  3. How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician? Ask them how they pronounce unionized.
  4. Two chemists walk into a bar. Chemist 1: I'll have H20 please
    Chemist 2: I'Il have water also
    Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed
  5. What do alcoholics and chemists have in common? They both view alcohol as a solution.
    I'll see my self out......
  6. Two chemists walk into a bar.. "I'll have H2O," one says.
    "I'll have H20, too," says the other.

    Neither die, because the bartender understands the context.
  7. I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree... He said "Sodium Bromate."
  8. How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
  9. Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
  10. People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

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Chemist One Liners

Which chemist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with chemist? I can suggest the ones about mage and smith.

  1. A chemist accidentally froze himself at -273.15C Don't worry though, he's 0K
  2. How do you tell a chemist from a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "Unionised"
  3. Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
  4. What do you do with sick chemists? If you can't helium or curium, you barium.
  5. How do you tell a chemist from a communist? ask them to pronounce unionized.
  6. What kind of dog does a chemist have? A lab.
  7. A chemist froze himself at-273C Everyone said he was crazy. But he was 0K
  8. What do you do with dead chemists? Barium
  9. A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C. Everyone said he was crazy.. ..But he was 0K
  10. How a Chemist reads the alphabets A B C D E F G water P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
  11. What did the chemist say in response to a clever joke about helium? He He :))
  12. Real chemist never dies ...just stops reacting.
  13. What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist? an Acidic Jew.
    \*Slaps Knee\*
  14. As any Chemist will tell you... Alcohol is *always* a solution.
  15. As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar... ...anyway, here's van der Waal

Chemist Shop Jokes

Here is a list of funny chemist shop jokes and even better chemist shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A young man in a chemist's shop asks May I have 3 condoms please, Miss?" Don't 'Miss' me, young man. The bitter older woman scornfully responds.
    Oh sorry, he replied Make that 4 then, please.
  • A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop..... ... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.
  • A blind man walked into a chemist to get his eyes checked? The shop assistant said this is a bank
Chemist joke, A blind man walked into a chemist to get his eyes checked?

Fun-Filled Chemist Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about chemist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean atomic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make chemist pranks.

My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.


He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

Science Joke

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the violent ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked out into the waves. He was pulled under and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked out to the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote in his journal, "Physicist and Biologist both soluble."

A chemist walks into a bar...

A chemist walks into a bar and says: "I would like H20" And the guy next to him says "I would like H20 too!" The second man died.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe...

A chemist, a biologist, and a mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe. Across the street is an old, abandoned house. As they sit, they watch two people go into the house. A short while later, three come out.
The chemist says: "the measurements were wrong."
The biologist says: "they reproduced."
The mathematician says "if one more person goes in, the house will be empty again!"

I was going to say a chemistry joke...

But I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

A chemistry lab is a lot like a party...

Some people drop acid while others drop the base.

A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician...

Were sitting on a bench in front of a hotel, and see two people enter, then three people exit. The Chemist claims that they must have been an error in the initial measurements, the biologist says they must have procreated, thus creating another person, the mathematician states that if one more person enters the building, the building would then be empty.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gives him water. The second chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O too." So the bartender also gives him water, because he knows what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.

Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'BARIUM'!

A chemist, a physicist, and an economist...

are all trapped on a desert island, trying to figure out how to open a can of food.
"Let's heat the can over the fire until the can explodes" says the chemist.
"No, no," says the physicist, "lets drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a tall tree"
"I have an idea," says the economist. "First, we assume a can opener..."

Chemistry joke about dry ice.

There are two guys: Bob and Steve. Bob is carving "Drink Coke" into a block of dry ice. Steve asks "why are you carving drink coke into that block of dry ice?" Bob replies "I just heard about this thing called subliminal advertising and I thought I would give it a try."

Hear are sum morre punny science jokes

How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.
Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.
The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.
Chemistry puns Im in my element.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!
Edit 1 just thought of this.
What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

Mathematician joke.

A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."

Chemistry Joke

This came to me while studying for an exam....
**What did Sodium say when Hypobromite said that it wanted to bond?**
Sodium said "NaBrO"

What does a chemistry lesson and a night club have in common?

Someone drops the acid and someone drops the base.

Two chemists walk into a bar

The first chemist tells the bartender "I'll have some H2O, please." The second chemist agrees: "I'll have some H2O also, please."
The second chemist died of aluminum, sulfur, and oxygen poisoning.

How do you tell a chemist from a plumber?

When and where do chemists have s**...?

Periodically, on the table.

A chemist walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"
The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"
"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's BaNaNaS!"

What's the difference between a raver and a chemist at a club?

One drops acid while the other drops the base.

A chemist walks into a bar...

Chemist: Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite?
Bartender: NaBrO

What do chemists make guacamole out of?

Avogadros

Chemistry Joke!

Hydrogen and Carbon are walking down the street when they run into each other.
The Carbon says to Hydrogen, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."
"I'm not feeling very well," says the Hydrogen. "I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the Carbon.
"Yeah, I'm positive." says the Hydrogen.

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens f**...?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."
And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist go to the beach...

The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Lastly, the chemist looks out over the ocean and says "I have come to a conclusion, physicists and biologists are soluble in water!"

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

I have so many Chemistry jokes to tell

I'm just afraid they won't get a good reaction...

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"
The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."
The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.
"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.
"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?
- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Quickly, Johnny says:
- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."

The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.

The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his s**... attempt has failed.

Being a clumsy chemist is like going to the rave...

Sometimes you drop the base and trip on acid.

Why are so many chemists addicted to alcohol?

Because they are sure alcohol is a solution.

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too".

The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.

What Do You Do With A Sick Chemist?

If you can't helium and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says I'll take a glass of H2O. The second says I'll take a glass of H2O too.

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.* 

I was in the chemist...

and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?"
She said, "Ammonia cleaner."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having s**... with the chemist's wife.
"Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.

They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.
The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book. He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water"

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.
The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is aslo over his head. He drowns.
The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book.
He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."

I went to the Chemist today.

I asked the assistant 'What gets rid of coronavirus?'
She replied 'Ammonia Cleaner.'
I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here.'

In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically

Chemistry joke

Proton and neutron were chilling in the nucleus one day, then proton asks neutron: Why you only hangout with me in here instead of electron?
Neutron replies: He was too negative to begin with.

How do you tell a chemist and a plumber apart?


You ask them to pronounce unionized.

Two Chemists walk into a bar...

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "Give me an H2O!" The second says "Give me an H2O too!" The second chemist dies.

What do chemists like to watch on YouTube?

Reaction videos.

A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by n**...

The n**... had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The n**... aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The n**... turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the n**....
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the n**... turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the n**... aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

Why did the chemist die after making himself a Pb & Jelly sandwich?

He got lead poisoning.

I am a chemist and my wife says I talk about my work way too much

I promised I'd only do it Periodically from now on

How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist....

Ask them to pronounce "lead".

What do you do when a chemist dies?

Barium.

Two chemists walk into a bar

Two chemists walk into a bar.
Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O please.
Chemist 2: I'll have some water also.
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed.

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.
His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'
'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'
'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too afraid to cough'

Chemist joke, A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

jokes about chemist