Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Chemist puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
Because noble gases are nonreactive.
*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*Β
He's 0K now.
Some people drop acid while others drop the base.
"I'll have H2O," one says.
"I'll have H20, too," says the other.
Neither die, because the bartender understands the context.
He said "Sodium Bromate."
A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.
Periodically, on the table.
They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.
The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"
The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."
The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.
After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.
He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"
The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"
"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's BaNaNaS!"
The first chemist tells the bartender "I'll have some H2O, please." The second chemist agrees: "I'll have some H2O also, please."
The second chemist died of aluminum, sulfur, and oxygen poisoning.
Ask them to pronouce unionized
- Mary, what is H2SO4?
- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Quickly, Johnny says:
- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!
The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."
And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.
Everyone said he was crazy. But he was 0K
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
Because they are sure alcohol is a solution.
Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the violent ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked out into the waves. He was pulled under and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked out to the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote in his journal, "Physicist and Biologist both soluble."
The first chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gives him water. The second chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O too." So the bartender also gives him water, because he knows what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.
The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Lastly, the chemist looks out over the ocean and says "I have come to a conclusion, physicists and biologists are soluble in water!"
But I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.
One drops acid while the other drops the base.
Chemist: Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite?
Bartender: NaBrO
He sees a group of other chemists who he works with and says to both the bartender and the chemists, "Gentlemen, tonight, all the drinks are on me!"
The chemists woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Wow, well you must have had a good day at work today then."
"Fantastic!" the chemist responds with a grin reaching from one cheek to the other, "Today, I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms and a sulphur atom!"
The bartender takes a step back in shock, "W-wow!" he replies, "That's BaNaNaS!"
A chemist, a biologist, and a mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe. Across the street is an old, abandoned house. As they sit, they watch two people go into the house. A short while later, three come out.
The chemist says: "the measurements were wrong."
The biologist says: "they reproduced."
The mathematician says "if one more person goes in, the house will be empty again!"
There are two guys: Bob and Steve. Bob is carving "Drink Coke" into a block of dry ice. Steve asks "why are you carving drink coke into that block of dry ice?" Bob replies "I just heard about this thing called subliminal advertising and I thought I would give it a try."
Were sitting on a bench in front of a hotel, and see two people enter, then three people exit. The Chemist claims that they must have been an error in the initial measurements, the biologist says they must have procreated, thus creating another person, the mathematician states that if one more person enters the building, the building would then be empty.
and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?"
She said, "Ammonia cleaner."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles with three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, ""What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, bit the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
...just stops reacting.
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.
Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.
The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.
Chemistry puns Im in my element.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!
Edit 1 just thought of this.
What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN
Hydrogen and Carbon are walking down the street when they run into each other.
The Carbon says to Hydrogen, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."
"I'm not feeling very well," says the Hydrogen. "I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the Carbon.
"Yeah, I'm positive." says the Hydrogen.
A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.
"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.
"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.
If you can't helium and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
Sometimes you drop the base and trip on acid.
when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.
The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the mateΒriΒals until their temΒperΒaΒture is lower than the igniΒtion temΒperΒaΒture and then the fire will go out."
The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supΒply of oxyΒgen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.
The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"
The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".
I'm just afraid they won't get a good reaction...
...anyway, here's van der Waal
... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and decide, "We've been studing all that we can study, let's go out and relax for a while." They drive 150 miles to the next town, they get drunk and pass out later sunday night. They woke up late monday morning and realized they missed their test. They drive back and tell the profesor, "We had a flat tire and couldn't get it fix and that is why we are late." The profesor agrees that having a flat tire is a legitimate excuse. He then proceeds to put them in two seperate rooms and hands them the new test they have to retake. First question: (5 points out of 100) What is the chemical compound for sugar? "That's an easy question" the one student says. He goes and answers the question. Second question: (95 points out of 100) Which tire was flat?
The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."
The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."
The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.
The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has failed.
They only have periodic tables.
A chemist walksο»Ώ into a bar and says: "I would like H20" And the guy next to him says "I would like H20 too!" The second man died.
This came to me while studying for an exam....
**What did Sodium say when Hypobromite said that it wanted to bond?**
Sodium said "NaBrO"
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.