Chem Jokes

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A plumber would say- 'you-niun-ized' ,whereas a chemist would say- 'un-ayon-ized'.

A chemist and a biologist walk into a bar...

The chemist calls over the bartender and says, "I'll have an H2O please." The bartender nods and looks at the biologist. "I'll have an H2O too."
The biologist died.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

I was going to say a chemistry joke...

But I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar....

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar. The chemist says to the bartender "I'll have one h two oh please". The psychologist, in a fleeting fit of flaunting his intelligence, said "I'll have a jack and coke, it's all my mother's fault."

How do you tell a chemist no?

Nitrogen Monoxide

A chemistry lab is a lot like a party...

Some people drop acid while others drop the base.

A chemist, a physicist, and an economist...

are all trapped on a desert island, trying to figure out how to open a can of food.
"Let's heat the can over the fire until the can explodes" says the chemist.
"No, no," says the physicist, "lets drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a tall tree"
"I have an idea," says the economist. "First, we assume a can opener..."

Having a chemistry teacher with a heavy Chinese accent is okay until...

Having a chemistry teacher with a heavy Chinese accent is okay until he tries to explain the difference between molarity and molality...

Chemistry joke about dry ice.

There are two guys: Bob and Steve. Bob is carving "Drink Coke" into a block of dry ice. Steve asks "why are you carving drink coke into that block of dry ice?" Bob replies "I just heard about this thing called subliminal advertising and I thought I would give it a try."

Two chemists are at a bar. One says, "I'd like some water." The other says "I'd like some Hydrogen Peroxide." The second one died.

Of cancer, many years later.

Chemistry Humor...

"What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.02214129×10^23 pieces?"
Guacomole.

The Chemical Formula For Water

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Two chemists get married and decide to have children. What did they name their second son?

Ethan.

What is the chemical formula of coffee?

Cobalt(II) Ferride
(CoFe2)

How do you tell a chemist from a plumber?

I was in chemistry class with my lab partner...

...and asked him if he wanted some sodium bromide, but to my disappointment, he said
NaBro

I said to the chemist: Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?

He said: Why? I said: She keeps waking up.

Why do chemists love bad jokes?

Their jobs get a lot easier when there are no reactions

Chemistry teacher: What is Nitrate?

Girl: My place, 250...your place 400!

Why did the Chemist give up a singing career?

He could not hit any of the ketones.

Chemistry Hotel

So I was driving down the road, getting pretty tired on my way home and saw a sign that said "Chemistry Hotel"
the sign said:
*"Cheap Day Rates, and Even Cheaper NO3-'s"*

A chemist and his friend go to lunch. When asked what they want to drink,the chemist says, "I'll have some H2O." His friend says "I'll have some H2O too"

When they get their drinks, they both are fine because the waiter is a sensible person who is able to distinguish the difference between the chemical compound H2O2, hydrogen peroxide, and asking to have water, like his friend.

A chemist walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"
The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"
"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's BaNaNaS!"

A chemist walks into a bar...

Chemist: Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite?
Bartender: NaBrO

Chemistry joke thread?

I'll start:
I was at -273.15°C one time. It was OK.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
I'm sorry guys there really are no good chemistry jokes: all the good ones argon.

What do chemists make guacamole out of?

Avogadros

A chemistry teacher is having problems with her desktop...

So she asks the class:
"How do I unfreeze my computer?"
After a few seconds, one student raises their hand and responds:
"What's the melting point?"

What did the Chemist have with his Eggs?

Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen.

Chemistry Joke!

Hydrogen and Carbon are walking down the street when they run into each other.
The Carbon says to Hydrogen, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."
"I'm not feeling very well," says the Hydrogen. "I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the Carbon.
"Yeah, I'm positive." says the Hydrogen.

What is a chemists favourite type of music?

Heavy Metals.

Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.

What do chemists say when they wanna play a song at guitar?

"Anyway, here's van der Waal."

Why do chemists go to the gym so much?

Before they titrate, they need to get buffer!

How can you tell if someone is a chemistry major?

They have a mole on their body.

My Chemistry Professor told me that Hydrofluoric acid and Hydrochloric acid are the perfect buffer system.

Her accusations are baseless.

Why did the chemist never say "NO" to anything?

Because the reaction could be explosive.

My chemistry teacher gave me some Sodium Hypobromite...

My chemistry teacher gave me some Sodium Hypobromite, but I was like "NaBrO". He asked if that was supposed to be funny. I said, "That's my only chemistry joke, the other ones are boron, all the good ones argon".

What are the chemicals in a midget's body that make them happy?

En-dwarf-ins

A chemist decided to plagiarize a man's work.

He made a carbon-copy.

I'm a Chemical Engineer and I have some good Chemistry jokes.

... but I never get a good reaction.

Two chemists are hanging out at a bar after work...

One gets up to go home and says "future copper". Puzzled, the other gazes back for a moment before the first clarifies, "Cu later"

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."
And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.

Why are chemists never wrong?

Because they always have a solution.

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

I never really liked chemistry...

There's always an element of surprise.

How does a chemist rate a party

He performs a lit-ness test

A chemist and a pirate were sitting at a bar

The chemist asked the pirate what his favorite rare gas was, to which the pirate replied, "Arrrgon".

Chemistry Joke

I ordered a glass of H2O, my friend ordered a glass of H2O too but he died.

My chemistry class had a party

My teacher brought some avocados, about 6.022x10^23 of them, for the guaca-mole.

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

A chemist walks into a bar...

And sees NaCl being beaten up. He asks, "Is that ionic compound being attacked?" The bartender replies, "No, it's a salt"

What's a chemists favourite thing to do at Christmas?

Decorate his chemistree.

The chemistry professor says to his students:

"There's deadly gas in this bottle. What steps do we take in case it breaks?"
"Fast steps"

In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?
- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Quickly, Johnny says:
- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!

A chemistry triple whammy!

What did one gold atom say to the other?
Au
That last chemistry joke must have been bad, because there was no reaction!
Would you like another chemistry joke?
I would too, but when I start to tell one all the people Argon!

Why are so many chemists addicted to alcohol?

Because they are sure alcohol is a solution.

My HS Chemistry teacher told us how to remember the periodic symbols for Silver and Gold-

If someone tried to steal your silver, you'd say A G, I lost my silver. But if someone tried to steal your gold, you'd say A U! Give me back my gold!

What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?

H2OMG

Why do chemistry students learn about ammonia first?

It's pretty basic stuff

I was in a chemistry class

We were dissolving a solid pill in water. While everyone else's dissolved completely, mine had a few chunks left in the water. I asked the instructor what's the problem, but she just told me "whatever it is, you dont have a solution".

My chemistry teacher was talking about Hydrogen Bonding today.

Sounds like a lot of FON.

What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is?

Litness paper

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.

If chemistry has taught me anything...

It's that alcohol is always a solution

My chemistry teacher asked me a question in class.

She told to me to rank all the bonds.
So I did.
1) Connery
2) Craig
3) Brosnan
4) Dalton
5) Lazenby
She sent me outside the class. I still wonder if there were any Moore?

A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist's face.
That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

What chemicals are best for keeping men away?

Deter-gents.

What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

My chemistry teacher wrote me a heartfelt chemistry poem:

Fluorine, Uranium, Carbon, Potassium, Yttrium, Oxygen, Uranium.

How a Chemist reads the alphabets

A B C D E F G water P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was.

They answered "The element of surprise!"

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?

You mean aspirin? asked the pharmacist.
That's it! I can never remember that word.