Checkup Jokes
79 checkup jokes and hilarious checkup puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about checkup that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Checkup Short Jokes
Short checkup jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The checkup humour may include short examination jokes also.
- I went to the doctor for a checkup. A friend asked "Which doctor?"
I replied "No, a medical one." - Asian guy goes to a eye doctor After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"
- So a 14 year old girl goes to the doctor for a checkup... He puts the stethoscope up to her heart and says,
"Big breaths."
And she says,
"Thankth! I grew them mythelf!" - My doctor told me I had to add more apples, pears, and berries to my diet It was a fruitful checkup.
- At the Doctor's for a check-up Doctor: Please, can you open your mouth and say "Ah"?
Me: Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Doctor: Yup, I was right. It appears you are "down with the sickness". - Girl finds out that she's pregnant... And goes to tell her mum about it. Her mum asks; "Have you had a check-up?"
Girl says; "No, he was Polish" - I was having a checkup when my doctor said it was time for my prostate exam Halfway through I remembered he was my dentist
- My doctor told me I had to stop heavy drinking. "Why?" I asked.
"Because there are no drinks allowed during checkups." - Prostate checkup I went for a checkup and got my prostate examined. I asked him if everything was okay and he said "feels fine to me, but what do I know i'm just your dentist"
- No matter which doctor I go to for a general checkup, they all hit me on the knee. I think they get a kick out of it.
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Checkup One Liners
Which checkup one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with checkup? I can suggest the ones about prostate check and doctor visit.
- Where did the pregnant T-Rex go for a check-up? The dinocologist
- The doctor brings results to the patient after medical check-ups.
- Why doesn't my blind wife get regular checkups? Because she couldn't see the doctor.
Great Checkup Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about checkup you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tune up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make checkup pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Goes To His Doctor for a Complete Checkup
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you only have one year to live." the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?" the man asks.
"Well yes, you can stop drinking, stop having promiscuous s**..., and join the m**... church" the doctor replies.
"Will that make me live longer?" the man asks
"No, but it will be the longest year of your life..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
*The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
*"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
*"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male b**... sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle
and went 'bang, bang'."
*"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the b**... fell over dead." "Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
*The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that b**...."
*The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...
... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Harry goes to the doctor
Harry, an 84 year old g**... is in for a checkup at the doctors office, he's sitting on the exam table, n**... under a gown. The doctor asks while reading his chart, "Well Harry, how are you feeling, any new developments for you?" Harry responds with childlike glee, "I feel great. There is a new woman in my life, she's fantastic" "Oh ya? Where did you two meet?" The doctor inquires. "Oh, well, ya know... She's a dancer." "Like a stripper, Harry? How old is she?" The doctor asks seriously. "19 years young... in fact, we are due to get married next week!" The doctor ponders thoughtfully and says to him, "I think you ought to reconsider. You know, prolonged s**... with a girl that young could be fatal." Harry shrugs and says, "Hey, if she dies, she dies."
Apparently, I've got Rationalitis.
I wouldn't know if it weren't for the check-up; it's asymptotic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Goes to the Doctor . . .
A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup, and the doctor says to him, "Well, I've got some bad news for you. It seems that you've been m**... too much. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop m**...."
The man, shocked to find this out, responds "Wait, what do you mean!? Stop m**...? When can I start again?"
The doctor responds, "Well I'd appreciate it if you waited until you left my office."
*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chronic headaches treatment
A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than s**... with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit the following month, and the man leaves.
Next month, the man returns, and the doctors inquires if his condition has changed. The man says: "The treatment you prescribed really made a difference. I feel like a new person. Thank you." The man, gets up and is about to exit. On the way out he says: "By the way doc, you have a beautiful home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up
After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have s**... until your third trimester."
The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."
An 80-year old man gets a check-up...
An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
80 year old man and young bride
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 30 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Normal Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Old Man and the b**... (long joke)
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male b**... sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the b**... fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that b**...."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"
A man goes in to the doctor's for a checkup...
The doctor says "Let's get started, shall we? Why don't you take your clothes off and put them over there... Next to mine."
The check-up.
A man goes to his doctor for a regular check-up. After the doctor has finished his examination, he tells the man, "I'm afraid you have a very serious disease and don't have long to live."
"How much time do I have, doc?"
"I'd say about ten," the doctor replies.
The man asks, "What do you mean ten? Ten what?"
"Nine"
A couple in their 80's
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Too Shy!!!
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
80 year old man visits the doctor.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I even have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime b**... sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the b**... fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that b**...."
The doctor replied "My point exactly."
An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?
Great, says the old man. I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child.
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a
lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.
What?! cries the old man. Why? that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.
Exactly! says the doctor.
Here's the good news
A guy goes to the doctor for his regular checkup. The doctor finishes up and invites him into the office.
"So, which first? The bad news or the good news?"
"Good news, doc", says the guy.
To which the doctor replies, "Well, you won't be needing any more annual prostate exams."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup
During the checkup, he learns he has some sort of rare disease, and has 12 hours to live. When he comes home to his wife, he tells her the news, and she starts sobbing. She then looks at him and says,"I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They go to their bedroom, and proceed to make passionate love. After they made love, the man says to his wife,"Let's do it again." The wife agrees only this time was even more passionate than before." After that the man says," It's getting late, but let's do it one more time." The wife says,"Easy for you to say. You don't have to work tomorrow."
Medical checkup
An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.
The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:
"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"
The man thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did he say???
Old Frank has a doctor's appointment for a checkup, but his hearing is bad so his wife Loretta goes with him.
"I'm going to check your blood pressure, Frank," the doctor says.
"What did he say?"; Frank asked Loretta.
"Your blood pressure, Frank!" she yelled in his ear, "He wants to check your blood pressure!"
"Now I'm going to listen to your heart, Frank," the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your heart, Frank, he wants to listen to your heart!" she yells in his ear.
"Okay, Frank, now I need a u**... sample and a f**... sample, " the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your shorts, Frank! He wants your shorts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was wearing my Michigan shirt at the gym when an elderly man walked up to me...
A beautiful blonde woman visits the doctor for an annual checkup. The doctor looks her over from head to toe doing his routine tests on her. Standing there n**... still, the woman asks the doctor if she seems ok. The doctor looks at her and say, "Ma'am, you're perfectly healthy. The only thing I am concerned about is the giant "W" indented perfectly in the center of your chest."
The woman immediately responds, "Oh, my boyfriend is a college football player and he insists he wears his jersey during s**...."
The intrigued doctor asks, "Oh my, you're boyfriend plays for Wisconsin?!"
The blonde answers quickly, "No. Michigan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man walked up to me today when I was wearing my Michigan sweatshirt. Without even saying hello, he started telling me...
A beautiful blonde woman visits the doctor for an annual checkup. The doctor looks her over from head to toe doing his routine tests on her. Standing there n**... still, the woman asks the doctor if she seems ok. The doctor looks at her and say, "Ma'am, you're perfectly healthy. The only thing I am concerned about is the giant "W" indented perfectly in the center of your chest."
The woman immediately responds, "Oh, my boyfriend is a college football player and he insists he wears his jersey during s**...."
The intrigued doctor asks, "Oh my, you're boyfriend plays for Wisconsin?!"
The blonde answers quickly, "No. Michigan."
A bear joke
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
This was my grandma's favourite joke
Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.
"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.
There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."
"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"
Bad news and really bad news.
An elderly gentleman is at the doctor's office for what he thought was going to be a routine checkup. After having several tests done the doctor enters the room and says "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news and then some really bad news. Which would you like first?" The elderly man responds "Well, I suppose I'll take the bad news first." The doctor says "I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's." "That's terrible news Doc!" says the old man. "What could be worse than that?" The doctor continues "You also have pancreatic cancer." The old man thinks about what he has just been told for a few seconds. "Well, at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"
An old man visits the doctors office for his regular checkup
The doctor asks him how things are going. The guy says "Doc, things are great - in fact, I'd say miraculous! You know how I used to have trouble seeing, right? Well now, whenever I want to go to the bathroom, I open the door, and the light magically opens! And when I'm done, I close the door, and the light magically closes - it's amazing! I feel great - better than ever before!"
The doctor is impressed, but concerned, so once the guy leaves, he calls his wife and tells her about her husband's visit. His wife replies:
"That idiot has been peeing in the fridge again!"
Leaving a Light On
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who's been peeing in the fridge."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are the n**... who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans?
And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."
They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.
Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."
"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Have you been for a check-up recently?" asked my dentist.
"No. No I haven't," I answered.
"I can tell," he replied.
"Are my teeth bad?" I chuckled.
He said, "No, but I saw the w**... of cash in your wallet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.
I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Annual Checkup
Kenneth is visiting his doctor for his annual physical.
DOC: I strongly recommend you quit m**....
KEN: Why?
DOC: I'm trying to perform a prostate exam.
I went to the Doctors today for a checkup
He told me that I had one of the best digestive systems he'd ever seen.
So today I'm celebrating superb bowel sunday.
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
Pinocchio goes to the doctor...
and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do."
The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This should clear up the splinters in no time."
Pinocchio thanks the doctor and heads off. A few months later Pinocchio returns for a regular checkup. During it the doctor asks "So, how have things been with your girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied "Who needs a girlfriend?"
A man goes to the dentist for a check-up
"Uh oh" the dentist says, "looks like your denture plate is eroding a bit. Have you been eating any new foods lately?"
The man thinks for a moment and says "you know, my wife has been using a lot of hollandaise sauce lately. She's been putting it on every dish."
"Ah, that explains it" the dentist replies. "We'll have to make you a new denture plate, but this one will need to be made of chrome."
"Chrome?" The man asks in surprise. "Why chrome?"
"Well, you know what they say", replies the dentist.
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
At my last checkup, the dentist told me my teeth were very white, when I asked him exactly how white...
...he told me they'd already colonized my entire mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drugs?
So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with c**...!".
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the bad joke
A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"
The doctor says "Look NO HANDS" showing his hands to the patient
A Bulgarian goes to the doctor
A Bulgarian goes to the doctor for a checkup. He enters the room, hangs his coat and sits infront of the doctor.
-When was the last time you had an examination made by a doctor? -asked the doctor.
-I don't know. Maybe 20 years ago.
-Do you drink?
-Yes. I drink beer for kidneys, and white wine for digestion. If I have low pressure I drink red wine and if I have high one I drink mastika. If I suffer from sore throath I drink rakija.
-What about water? - asked the doctor, amazed.
-Water... I haven't suffered from that yet.
Well my checkup at the ADD/ADHD clinic went well today and I didn't have to miss any work!
Thank goodness it only lasted two minutes.
Man says to his wife, "How about a bit tonight then?"
Wife replies, "Not tonight, I'm having a check-up with my gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be all nice and clean and fresh."
Man says, "You're not going to the dentist as well though, are you?"
Annual medical check
A man went in for his annual medical checkup and the doctor said "dont eat anything fatty"
The man sighed and said "does that include burgers and fries?"
"No, fatty, I mean dont eat anything!" Replied the doctor
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
An exterminator goes to the doctor
At the end of the checkup, the doctor says, "You are in perfect health, except for a large mole on your arm"
The exterminator replies, "Shoot, I missed one!"
A man goes to the doctor...
and the during his checkup the doctor says, "Good, good."
He asks the doctor, "What could possibly be good about this? I can barely walk."
To which the doctor replies, "It's a good thing I dont have what you have."
A mans wife goes in for a dental checkup.
After the appointment the doctor comes out to greet the man.
The man says "how was it?"
The doctor replies "Your wife has a lot of cavities that need to be filled."
The man replies "that must be hard on you."
The doctor replies "Not really I get paid every month to drill your wife."
Guy goes in for a checkup...
... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"
The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."
Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."
"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"
Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."
"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."
No climbing stairs
A woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor said there seemed to be a slight heart problem and advised her to take some pills for two weeks and then come back.
"Most of all, don't climb any stairs," advised the doctor.
"But we have a two story house," protested the patient.
"Well, I understand that," said the doctor, "but it's important that you don't climb any stairs."
Two weeks later, she came back and the doctor pronounced her hale and healthy.
"Can I climb stairs again?" she asked.
"Of course," answered the doctor.
"Good," said replied, "because I was getting tired of climbing up that drainpipe every night."
A man goes to his doctor for an annual checkup
"Doc, I feel great, my headaches are gone, my hearing is better and I can finally stand uo straight."
"That's good to hear, here your test results say that your body has miraculously improved. For a 50 year old man like you, you have the physical abilities of a 30 year old."
"Thanks doc."
"Tell me, how did you make such a recovery."
"My wife's been giving me the silent treatment for a month"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a Doctor
A man's getting a checkup at his local doctors office
#Doctor: Sir you are going to need to stop m**...
#Man: Forever?
#Doctor: No, just while i finish up the prostate exam
I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.
But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.
Three men were going to the doctor for a checkup.
The first man walks in. The doctor asks him, "anything happened lately?"
The man replied, "I finally beat cancer!"
The doctor congratulates him and they do the checkup. Then the man walks away.
The second man walks in and also claims he beat cancer. They do the checkup and the man walks away.
Then the third man stumbled in. He was covered in bruises and even bleeding in some places.
The doctor was absolutely horrified. "What the heck happened to you?" He asked.
"I'm Cancer," he groaned, "and don't ask more."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A hundred year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup
The doctor: "How are you?"
The man: "Very good! I have a new girlfriend!"
Doctor chuckles....
The man: "She is twenty years old!"
Doctor: "... but you know, every s**... activity could mean death!"
The man: "What can I say, would be a pity if she died..."
A patient walks into an optometrist's office.
The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."
The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.
"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."
A man went to the doctor for a routine checkup
He was generally well, just thought it was a good idea to check in. The doctor, however, immediately reached for the covid swab.
"I'm going to test you for Covid19" the Doctor said.
"But I'm well, no complaints, why would you do that?" Replied the man.
"Well..." The doctor started, his gaze narrowing. "Loss of taste is a known symptom of the virus, and you're wearing Crocs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to the doctor and after a checkup the doctor discovers that he has three t**....
The patient asks whether that is a problem, but the doctor assures him that it's not and that he'd wish he had three t**....
Kind of proud the patient leaves the doctor's office and sits on a park bench next to a stranger.
He says to him: "Together we have five t**....", to which the other replies: "Why? Do you have none?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this woman had some heart troubles….
She went to see her doctor who prescribed testosterone.
About a month later she returns for a checkup. Doctor asks her how she's been. She says: "Fine, but I have some unexpected hairgrowth in unusual places."
Doc says: "really? Like where?"
She says: "at my b**..."…
I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship...
I said "yes I am, why?"
She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"
Man bought a gun.
A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.
Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"
Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"
Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"
Man: *firing into the ceiling* "Not without a fight!"
Think it Over
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah," said the man, "They're in favor of it, 15-to-2."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly woman is moving into a retirement home
As part of the admissions process she has a check-up by the resident doctor. The doctor asks, "So have you been having any problems?"
Woman: "Well, I have noticed something unusual. I have this hole in my chest between my b**...."
Doctor: "Hmm, let me have a quick look."
The woman lifts up her blouse.
The doctor bends over to take a closer look, and she says, "Oh you really have nothing to worry about. It's just your belly button."
