Checks Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

/u/username goes to the grocery store....

username checks out.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"

"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."

*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs around here?"

With a wink and a sexy smile she replies in a sultry voice "Why yes, I am."

The man says "Well, go and wash your hands because I'm ready for a cheese sandwich!"

What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?"
Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

A man walks into a bar, and sees King Kong having a drink...

Now, the man loves all of Kong's films, so he decides to walk up to him. He says, "wow! King Kong! I'm such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo? "

King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch.

He turns to the man and says "sorry, I've a plane to catch".

A nun was fired from her job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

A photon checks into a motel

the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."

The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bell hop asks "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies "No I'm traveling light."

Username walks into a hotel...

And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves.

I guess you could say,

Username checks out.

How does every racist joke start ?

:::Person about to tell joke checks surroundings to make sure coast is clear:::

Photon

A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk man asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."

A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

4 Jewish women go out for dinner

When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Okay,' says the vet. 'Let's have a look at him.' So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' asks the man. 'No,' replies the vet. 'Because he's really, really heavy.'

2000's kids won't get this

Social security checks

A priest checks into a hotel

So he would not be tempted to sin, the priest goes to the front desk and says "Excuse me but, I was wondering if the porn on the tv could be disabled."
The lady looks back in disgust and screams "NO YOU SICK BASTARD WE ONLY HAVE NORMAL!"

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My child support checks.

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks, "May I help you with your luggage?"

The photon responds, "No thank you. I'm traveling light."

An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter,
Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to
say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

Blonde Joke

A blonde is speeding on the road and a cop pulls her over. He walks over and asks for her license and registration. She pulls out all her papers and gives them to the cop. He checks her name on the scanner, she comes up with a flawless record(no tickets), yet she has been pulled over tons of times. He then radios in back to the police station and asks what's up with this girl. The man calls back and says, "Oh her, yeah just walk over to her car and pull down your pants." The confused cop walks over to the car and proceeds to pull down his pants. The blonde sighs and says, "DAMN, not another breathalyser test."

Joyriding in a Lamborghini

*joyriding in a Lamborghini*

HER: No way this thing does 150
ME: Only one way to find out *puts on glasses*

*pulls over and checks Wikipedia*

A carpenter and his apprentice are building a fence...

A carpenter and his apprentice are building a fence. Coming back from the truck, the carpenter sees his apprentice grab a nail from his box, squint at it, and throw it away over his shoulder. Then, he grabs another nail, checks it out, and hammers it into the fence. Grabs the next nail, hammers it in, but throws away the following nail. Perplexed, the carpenter goes over, points to the discarded nails, and asks, "What the hell are you doing, throwing away these nails?!"

"Well boss, half these nails have the heads on the wrong end."

"You idiot!" shouts the carpenter, "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"

A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...

He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.

The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"

The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."

"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."

The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"

Why does Heisenberg hate driving?

He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

A priest checks into a Hyatt...

A priest checks into a Hyatt. Asks the front desk, "Is the porn channel disabled?"

Guy at the front desk replies, "No, you sick fuck. It's regular porn."

So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size condom he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your condom size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size condom he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".

**tl;dr - handjobs.**

An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the man who hit him is wearing a jersey from a rival sports team.

The man who caused the accident said, "Hey man, sorry about your car... And even though we represent different teams, I think this is a sign that we should put our differences beside us."

John replies, "I think you're right." He goes and checks his trunk and remarkably pulls out an undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. "Amazing! How about a drink to celebrate our new friendship?"

The driver agrees and takes a few swigs of the whiskey. He passes the bottle back to John who promptly throws the bottle over the bridge and into the river below. "Oi! What did you do that for? Weren't you going to have some for yourself? What about our new friendship?"

John smirks. "Tell that to the cops when they show up."

So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving.

He couldn't quit cold turkey.

Having guests for dinner (somewhat vulgar)

A man and his wife had three children, one young boy and a teenage boy and girl. The family was having guests over for dinner one night. Before the guests arrive, the younger boy checks to see what everyone is doing. His mom was cutting carrots in the kitchen, and right as the boy walks in, cuts her hand and says "oh fuck!" The boy asks her what fuck means and she replies "oh it means to cut." The boy then goes to his dad, who is shaving in the bathroom. The dad cuts himself right as the boy walks in and says "oh shit!" The boy asks what shit means and the dad replies "oh it means to shave." The boy then goes to his older sister in the living room. She's talking on the phone with a friend and says "I love sucking cock" right as the boy walks in. The boy asks what sucking cock means and the sister replies "oh it means to talk on the phone." Then the boy goes to his older brother in his bedroom. The brother is watching TV and screams "you bitch!" right as the boy walks in. the boy asks what bitch means and the brother replies "oh it means TV." Soon after the guests arrive, and the young boy meets them at the door. One of the guests asks him what his family was doing.

The boy replied "my mom is fucking a carrot in the kitchen, my dad is shitting in the bathroom, my sister is sucking cock in the living room, and my brother is screaming at his bitch in his bedroom!"

Photon checks into a hotel

Receptionist: do you need help with the luggage?
Photon: no thanks, I'm traveling light.

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'

'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

A family Checks in to a Hotel

The father goes to the front desk & says "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you pervert."

In line at Heaven's Gate.

A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together.

The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, "Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."

The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, "Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."

The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Peter why everyone has to be quiet passing room 4?

Saint Peter says, "Room 4 is Catholics, they think they are the only ones here."

A guy comes home drunk

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
who is most definitely not happy.


Where the hell have you been all night? she
demands.

At this new bar, he says. The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!


The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.

Is this the Golden Saloon? she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.


Yes it is, bartender answers.

Do you have huge golden doors?

Sure do. Do you have golden floors?

Most certainly do.

What about golden urinals?


There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .

The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?

Did you hear the joke about the UPS guy?

So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.

When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.

Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"

Just as he finishes saying that a---

No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.

This one is really all about the delivery.

Engineers and Lawyers on a Train

Three lawyers buy their tickets for the train. They notice three engineers also buying tickets, or rather, just one ticket. Curious, the lawyers follow the engineers on to the train and sit just behind them.
During the trip the conductor comes along, "tickets please... tickets please." At this point the engineers all get up, walk to the back of the car and all pile in to one bathroom. The conductor checks the lawyers tickets and continues to the back. When he reaches the bathroom he knocks, "tickets please." The door opens a crack and one hand presents the ticket.
Inspired by this craftiness the lawyers agree to use this method on the return trip a few days later. In the train station they see the same engineers also getting ready to return on the same train. The lawyers buy one ticket and the engineers buy... none! Perplexed, the lawyers once again follow the engineers onto the train. Once again the conductor starts checking tickets. The engineers get up and crowd in to one bathroom then the lawyers get up and crowd in to the other bathroom opposite the first.
At this point one engineer emerges from his bathroom, crosses the aisle, knocks on the lawyers door and says in his most official voice, "tickets please."

A priest checks into a hotel

A priest checking into a hotel says, "I want to make sure the porn in my room is all disabled". The kid at the desk gives him a puzzled look, "We only got regular porn here you sick fuck!"

Father in delivery room

A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician, and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any signs of progress and suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not," the doctor replies. The head pops back in.

Then the obstetrician goes over to check out the situation. The baby pops out his head and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "Nope, I didn't do it," and the baby pops back in.

The doctor calls the father and says, "Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out---he keeps asking for his father. Would you please come to the delivery room?" So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the little one asks in an annoyed voice, "Are YOU my daddy?"

Dad kneels down and answers proudly, "Yes, son, I am your lucky father!"

The baby starts tapping his index finger violently and repeatedly on his father's forehead and asks, "This is pretty annoying, isn't it?"

What's the first thing a homeless person does when he uses a computer?

Checks recycle bin.

Checks and pants

A middle aged man and a hot young girl step into a jewelery store. The man asks the jeweler to show the girl his finest rings. The jeweler obliged does so and after some consideration the girl picks one of the most expensive ones. At the point the man proceeds to write off a check for the ring; the jeweler interjects "I'm sorry Sir! We do not take checks". The man then tells the jeweler, "I understand your concern. I'll tell you what, cash the check in and my sweet Maria will pass and pick up the ring tomorrow". The jeweler sees no problems with that and Maria seems to be exhilarated at the thought of getting such a ring. They both leave the jewelery store in a rather passionate way.

The next morning the jeweler calls the man: "Sir! There seems to be a problem with your check! Apparently the account lack the funds to cash it in". The man at that point replies, "Forget the ring. I already got into her pants!"

The first thing a man notices about a woman is her eyes..

And when he made sure it's not looking his way,he checks out her tits ..

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists β€” two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
The agent replies, Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Two blondes are driving.

The first blonde asks, "Is my blinker working?"

The second blonde checks the dashboard and responds, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

There once was a big, strong bull...

There once was this big, strong bull. Had a ring in his nose, big horns and he went by the name of Hannibal. He had a field to himself with green grass, small dandelions and a fence. One day, the farmer brings some pretty cute cows and puts them in the field next to Hannibal.

So the bull walks up to the barbed wire and checks out the pretty ladies on the other side. He knows that he would like to get to know them a bit better - if you know what I mean - , but there is this fence between them. So he waits until the farmer leaves, takes a long run and jumps over the fence into the other field.

The cows look all startled and giggle: "O my, Hannibal... how did you get in here?"

He winks: "Just call me Hanni, honey... The rest I left hanging in the barbed wire."

- Sorry for the English, it is not my first language.

Check-in lines at the gates of heaven

There are several check-in counters at the gates of heaven with big signs telling arrivals where they should check in. One counter has a sign "All married men who were hen pecked by their wives". There is a long line of men waiting to check in there. Next to it is a counter for "married men who were not hen pecked" that has no one waiting in line. An old man walks up to that counter. The clerk looks at the man and checks the big ledger, then takes a harder look at the man, then reads more carefully from the ledger, finally looks back at the man and says "Why are YOU of all men checking in at THIS counter"?

Because my wife told me to.

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over by the police. Heisenberg is driving and the police man asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?".


"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and asks him to open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

-----------------------------------

>Science teacher told me this one, only science joke I've legitimately found funny :p

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

A Blonde Joke

A blonde woman and her dad decided to take a trip to Egypt for their vacation. A few hours into the hike in the desert, the blonde realizes she's lost her dad. Thinking she can easily call him, the woman checks her cellphone. Unfortunately there's no signal.

However, she sees in a distance, a bar. "There has to be a phone there!" she says to herself. Upon arriving at the bar, she tells the bartender, "Excuse me, sir but I really need to use your phone; I lost my dad!"

"Sorry the phone is for employees only" the bartender replies. The blonde grows desperate and begins thinking. "Please.. I'll do ANYTHING to use the phone". "Anything huh?" She nods. The bartender gets the hint and takes her down to a dimly lit back room. He locks the door.

"Get on your knees". The blonde crouches down.
"Unzip my pants" the bartender commands. The blonde slowly unzips his pants.
"Now pull it out". She reaches in and pulls out his penis.
"You know what to do. Go on."

The blonde clears her throat. "Hello? Dad?"

A man walks into his office

A man walks into his office cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"


Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.


It reads, "Want to buy some?"

Guy goes hiking the German alps. Passes a small village while it's getting dark. [nsfw]

Decides to look for a room and continue in the morning. Checks in a small guest house. It's night, he cant sleep, no radio, no tv ... what to do?
Goes and asks the host: "You wouldn't happen to have hookers in your village would you?"
Host says: "No hookers. Only Fritz."
"Fritz eh? Well ..." says the guy: " ... sure, who would ever know. How much does Fritz want?"
"400 Mark." Host says.
"400? That's a lot." says the guest.
Host explains: "Well, from those 400 I take a 100, cause it's my house and I dont really like it happening."
"Oh! So Fritz does it for 300?"
"No ... not really, no. From the 300 our mayor gets 100. Cause it's his village and he doesnt really like it happening."
"Oh poor Fritz. Only gets 200 then."
"Well ..." says the host "... not really, no. From the 200 Hans and GΓΌnther take 100 each for holding Fritz. Cause it's his ass, and he really doesn't like it happening!"

What are the funniest checks jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Checks? Well, here are the best Checks puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Checks pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes