checks Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious checks puns

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

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[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

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I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

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/u/username goes to the grocery store....

username checks out.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? he asks.
Yes, she purrs. I am.
Well, wash your frickin' hands, says the man. I want a cheese sandwich!

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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"

"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."

*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

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A man takes his dog to the vet...

He says to the vet
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, 'let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

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Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs around here?"

With a wink and a sexy smile she replies in a sultry voice "Why yes, I am."

The man says "Well, go and wash your hands because I'm ready for a cheese sandwich!"

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What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

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So a photon checks into a hotel...

Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?"
Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"

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A photon checks into a hotel.

He is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says "No thanks. I'm travelling light".

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Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

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A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

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A man walks into a bar, and sees King Kong having a drink...

Now, the man loves all of Kong's films, so he decides to walk up to him. He says, "wow! King Kong! I'm such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo? "

King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch.

He turns to the man and says "sorry, I've a plane to catch".

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A nun was fired from her job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

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A photon checks into a motel

the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."

The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"

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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bell hop asks "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies "No I'm traveling light."

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Username walks into a hotel...

And asks for a room. A few days later he leaves.

I guess you could say,

Username checks out.

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How does every racist joke start ?

:::Person about to tell joke checks surroundings to make sure coast is clear:::

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Photon

A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk man asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."

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A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

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4 Jewish women go out for dinner

When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Okay,' says the vet. 'Let's have a look at him.' So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' asks the man. 'No,' replies the vet. 'Because he's really, really heavy.'

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2000's kids won't get this

Social security checks

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A priest checks into a hotel

So he would not be tempted to sin, the priest goes to the front desk and says "Excuse me but, I was wondering if the porn on the tv could be disabled."
The lady looks back in disgust and screams "NO YOU SICK BASTARD WE ONLY HAVE NORMAL!"

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads.....

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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A man walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fucking' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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A Photon Checks into a hotel...

The bellhop ask, "can I help you with your luggage?"

It replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light."

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What bounces and makes kids cry?

My child support checks.

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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks, "May I help you with your luggage?"

The photon responds, "No thank you. I'm traveling light."

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What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

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An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter,
Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to
say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

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What are the most funny Checks jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Checks? Well, here are the best Checks dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Checks pick up lines to share with friends.

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