Checkout Jokes
71 checkout jokes and hilarious checkout puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about checkout that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Everyone loves a good joke and the self-checkout lines at Walmart, stores and restaurants are a great source of hilarity. Find out why people are so amused by these novel service experiences, plus some of the funniest jokes about checking out for yourself with this funny article. Learn about self-service checkout options, voucher acceptance, checks, PayPal, and more!
Funniest Checkout Short Jokes
Short checkout jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The checkout humour may include short shop jokes also.
- When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.
- I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today! I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.
- A frenchman walks into a library And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
- Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much? They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.
- I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
- Was admiring myself in a mirror at the supermarket the other day. Its ok, I was at the self-checkout.
- At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?" "Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"
- A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children". "That's a good deal!" he thought.
- Self checkout. Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!
- I went to a Chinese supermarket but couldn't read the sign telling me which is the express checkout All I saw was a bunch of lines
Share These Checkout Jokes With Friends
Checkout One Liners
Which checkout one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with checkout? I can suggest the ones about checker and pickup.
- If Britain has Brexit... Did the Czech Republic check-out?
- What's it called when a deathrow inmate kills themselves? Self checkout.
- This self checkout lane has the sexiest cashier.
- Why did Narcissus love going to the grocery store? The self checkout.
- why can't conservatives work at a checkout counter? Because they don't like change...
- How is a self-checkout machine like a wife? All it does is nag you and take your money.
- When I feel like trash, I checkout... 9gag.
- "Beep." Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
- When God created Walmarts he... Emptied trailer parks into checkout lines.
Self Checkout Jokes
Here is a list of funny self checkout jokes and even better self checkout puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I looked at the self-checkouts, then at the cashier. "Can I come to you?" I asked him, unsure.
He said, "Sure, but it will cost you." - Where's a mom's favorite place to go right after buying a week's worth of groceries? The self checkout
Playful Checkout Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about checkout you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean purchase jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make checkout pranks.
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.
"Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered.
So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad shared this joke the other day
A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
the old man
Some older guy was following me around at a small grocery store, always about 10 feet back. He kept looking at me and sighing. I thought he was some old gay pervert, but I was wrong. He got to the store's single checkout line just before I did. There he turned to me and told me something quite heart wrenching. He said he was sorry for staring, but I looked exactly like his son who had died fighting in Iraq ten years before. He asked if it would be too weird if he could give me a hug and say goodbye as some sort of closure. I though it harmless so agreed. He gave me a hug and said, good bye, son. And then he left the store with his groceries. As I had my few items scanned and went to pay, I was outraged at the total. It was much more than my few items warranted. I asked the cashier to explain the situation, and she said that my father said I was covering his groceries too.
A lady goes to the store to buy a hook
..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."
(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A single man is in the checkout line at a grocery store...
...and the cashier watches as he places each item on the belt: 1 frozen pizza, 5 TV dinners, 1 bar of soap, and 1 six-pack of Budweiser.
As she takes his money, the cashier looks at the man and says "you must be single, right?"
The man is taken aback. "You can tell that from what I'm buying?" he asks.
The cashier replies, "no, you're just b**...-ugly."
You must be single.
A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.
1 head of lettuce
A bag of flour
4 oranges
A loaf of bread
A pack of toilet paper
A flat of water
And two pounds of ground beef.
The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:
"You must be single!"
The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:
"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"
Slurring his words, the man replies:
"Cuz' yer ugly."
What is the cheapest date ever?
Drive in reverse trough the mcdrive, so the checkout is on her side.
My dad always grabbed a copy of O, The Oprah Magazine, when we were in the checkout line...
He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*
I'd like to buy some dog food
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I can't sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see
your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
ACT FAST!! Huge discounts at all stores in Baltimore.
use promo code "Freddie Gray" at checkout.
sorry guys, but the discounts are in-store only.
News Joke
So today I was at work (on the checkouts at a supermarket) and somebody comes along saying: "only a news-paper for me today" as she slaps down a copy of the Sun. I reply, "so where's your news-paper then?"
Cheeky
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;
I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Father and son during checkout at d**...'s Sporting Goods...
Dad: Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.
Son: Are these coupons only for d**...'s?
Dad: No, they work for normal people too.
Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...
(True Story)
He's My Brother!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?
Eight, the boy replied.
The man continued, Do you know what these are used for?
The boy replied, Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a supermarket.
She buys a bar of soap, a roll of toilet paper, a single size dinner, and a single size ice cream. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"
She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is doing some grocery shopping...
She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:
"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"
The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"
The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"
I'd like to buy one of those plastic dividers from the supermarket checkout
But the checkout lady keeps putting it back!
The checkout girl blushed when she scanned my condoms.
If only she knew what the cucumber was for.
A husband's new wife really wants...
A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.
So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.
At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?
A young woman goes grocery shopping...
She wanders through the store more or less aimlessly, finally arriving at the checkout, where she places her items on the conveyor belt: Ramen noodles, a two-pack of toilet paper, a bottle of cheap wine, some grapes, a frozen pizza and a chocolate bar.
The cashier looks at her items, looks at her, looks back at her items and says, "Let me guess, you're single".
"Yeah, you're right", the woman admits, "but how did you know that?"
"Well...", she responds, "you're ugly"
I have found that the checkout divider bar is the hardest thing to buy.
Every time I put in on the checkout belt, the cashier keeps putting it away.
I ordered a gavel online
When it delivered, I found two gavels in the box.
I was so excited at checkout that I pressed ORDER, ORDER!
A man was at the checkout to buy a broom for his house.
He goes up to the cashier and asks if the broom he has is the best one they have. The cashier responds "im not sure i mean a broom is a broom". The man replies "whoa lets not make any sweeping generalizations here"
An American girl came to the checkout of a store to purchase a cake for her mother's birthday
An Englishman was at the checkout. The girl put the cake down on the counter and let the Englishman check the price.
"That'll be 10 pounds, miss" said the Englishman.
The American girl replied, "Oh, sorry, I wanted the cost not the weight."
The Englishman realised his mistake and immediately said sorry to the girl. He converted 10 pounds to American dollars and allowed the girl to hand him the money.
When she was given back the cake, the girl said," Thanks, I got really confused when you told me the weight. There must be some language barrier since you come from another planet."
A guy in a grocery store notices an old woman staring at him
He walks to her and say can I help you?
the woman says I have lost my son and when I saw you, you reminded me of him.
" please call me mother" the old woman says. the guy feeling for the poor woman calling her mother throughout the shopping.
at the exit the old woman looks back with her eyes full of tears and says "goodbye my son" and the guy says "goodbye mother"
and the guy proceed to checkout and he received the 500 bill and says oh I didn't buy that much!! and the seller says i know, your shop is just $30 and the rest is your mother's bill she said "my son will pay for it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...
It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the c**... out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...
Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...
True story
A few years ago, the (very attractive) checkout assistant in Asda asked the person in front of me for age ID. Ever the charmer I asked if she wanted to see my ID.
Quick as a flash she replied "Yeah, go on, show me your bus pass!"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day
They picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
A girl was at the store getting a sandwich and some chips and the guy at the checkout asked "do you want to go for a drink?"
To which she says "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend"
And the guy replied "No. It's part of the meal deal"
Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.
When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.
No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.
It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "w**... only" and help us out!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cold war joke.
There's a sale on p**... at the New York Macy's store
An American woman goes to the checkout with 7 p**....
Cashier:" Only 7? They're on sale this week.
The woman replies,"No Thanks,7 is all. One for every day of the week."
Next in line is a woman from France with 5 p**....
Cashier:"Only 5? They're on sale.
"Thank You,but no. I have one for each weekday and on weekends I'm a free spirit(wink wink)
Next in line a great big burly Russian woman with 12.
Cashier: Well 12,that's a nice even amount.
Russian. "Yes 12.....Jan,February,March,April........
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy is in the store...
...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..
3 bottles of red wine
3 bottles of white wine
2 bottles of champagne
1 bottle of vermouth
4 bottles of v**...
1 bottle of Hennessy
Finally one can of cat food
...when he suddenly hears a mans voice from behind: "I see.... someone's cat has a birthday!!!"
A pair of elderly ladies are in line at a checkout...
They both have a cucumber, costing $2 each.
Young cashier says to them: 'That will be $4, but we have a special of 3 for $5'
The two ladies look at each other & 1 says to the other: 'Well, we could always eat one...'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal b**....
I asked her if she was at the self checkout and that Mr Officer is how I got the black eye
So I was at my local store...
So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".
We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "you know, I probably could have carried my own groceries to my car but I'm kind of lazy"
He said, "I kind of gathered that sir, here's your snickers"
