checkout Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious checkout stories

What are the best Checkout puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Checkout? Well here is a complete list of Checkout dad jokes:

You must be single.

A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.

1 head of lettuce

A bag of flour

4 oranges

A loaf of bread

A pack of toilet paper

A flat of water

And two pounds of ground beef.

The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:

"You must be single!"

The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:

"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"

Slurring his words, the man replies:

"Cuz' yer ugly."

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A woman is checking out at the grocer ...

She places 1 whole frozen chicken, 1 gallon of whole milk, and 1 dozen eggs onto the check-out counter.

The clerk looks over her items and says: "Chicken, milk, and eggs ... I bet you're single, ma'am."

"That's amazing!" says the woman. "How could you tell that just from my groceries?"

The clerk responds, "Well, you're fucking ugly."

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A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

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Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

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I was standing in line at the supermarket checkout last week.

I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar. I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids."

I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow! We got so high together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch."

She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher."

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A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

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A woman is standing in line...

...at the checkout in a grocery store. She has in her cart a box of laundry detergent, some cereal, a pack of tampons, some apples and toilet paper. When it's her turn to checkout, the clerk looks at all her purchases and remarks, "Wow, you must be single." The woman exclaims, "Wow! You can tell that just by looking at what I bought?" The clerk responds, "No, you're just fucking ugly."

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Logician meets redneck

A redneck walks up to a check-out line at Walmart and waits in line behind a man dressed in scholarly robes.

Redneck : well hey mister what're you all dressed up for ?

Scholarly robed man: I am a logician and I am on my way to teach a class at local university.

Redneck: what the hell is a logician?

Scholarly robed man : let me give you an example - Do you own a lawnmower?

Redneck: yes

Scholarly robed man: because you own a lawnmower, I deduce that you have a lawn. Because you have a lawn, I deduce that you live in a house. Because you live in a house, I deduce that you have children. And because you have children, I deduce that you are a heterosexual man.

Redneck: that's interesting. Well, see ya!


Upon arriving at his house, redneck is greeted by his neighbor.

Neighbor: what'd you do today?

Redneck: I met me a logician.

Neighbor: what's that?

Redneck: well, lemme give ya an example, do ya own a lawnmower?

Neighbor: n-

Redneck: faggot!

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This guy goes through the checkout line of the grocery store…

and he's got, like, a stack of frozen dinners, a six-pack of beer, a big 'ol bag of chips, and a single roll of toilet paper.
The cute checkout girl says, "Well, I know *you're* single!"
The guy says, "Well, yeahβ€”how'd you guess?"
She says, "You're ugly."

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A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .

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First time cougar at grocery store

A newly divorced 40-ish woman is in the check-out line at the grocery store. The bag boy asks if she needs help out to her car, and he's cute, so she says yes.

When they are into the parking lot, she leans over and says to him, "I have an itchy pussy."

He responds, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you're going to have to point it out. All those Japanese cars look the same to me."

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A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"




"Nah, you're ugly"

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A woman was at the checkout line at the grocery store...

She started to unload her basket. 6 items were all that she was getting. Some feminine products, some snacks, and some tanning oil. A man, visibly drunk walks up and stands behind her in line. He puts a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey on the conveyor. She notices the man looking at her and turns to him. He looks down and takes a look at the items she is buying. As he looks at them, he says "you must be single!" She gets confused and looks at her items. She thinks "wow this must be some kind of trick or something. How could he gather that from what I'm buying? This guy is pretty good". Playing along, she looks back at the drunk and says, "well, you are correct. But how on Earth did you gather that?" He says, "Well, because you're fuckin ugly"

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A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

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A Man Went Into A Supermarket...

... got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

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So a woman goes shopping on Christmas...

As she heads for the checkout line to pay for her things, she sees that there's one lonely cashier. She goes up to her, and while paying for her things she says "You poor thing! Why would you need to work on such a beautiful day?"

She replies "Because assholes like you need to go shopping."

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My dad always grabbed a copy of O, The Oprah Magazine, when we were in the checkout line...

He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*

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A mid 20's bachelor walks into a grocery store...

To pick up the necessities (a case of beer, toilet paper, and some frozen dinners). He goes to the checkout and the young lady cashier looks at him and says, ''Wow, you must be single''.
The man smiles and says ''You can tell I'm single just from the stuff that I'm buying?"
"No," remarked the lady, "you're fucking ugly."

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My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

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Store Policy

CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT: Do you have a dog?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
CHECKOUT: Where is he?
CUSTOMER: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the customer returns.
CUSTOMER: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT: Do you have a cat?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
CHECKOUT: Well...where is he?
CUSTOMER: He's at home!
CHECKOUT: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the customer returns.
CHECKOUT: What's in the sack?
CUSTOMER: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
CUSTOMER: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

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I was out earlier, buying a large fake christmas tree...

As I was at the checkout, the cashier commented 'Thats a beautiful tree, are you going to put it up yourself?'

'Don't be so fucking disgusting, Its going in the lounge'.

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What is the cheapest date ever?

Drive in reverse trough the mcdrive, so the checkout is on her side.

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A single man is in the checkout line at a grocery store...

...and the cashier watches as he places each item on the belt: 1 frozen pizza, 5 TV dinners, 1 bar of soap, and 1 six-pack of Budweiser.

As she takes his money, the cashier looks at the man and says "you must be single, right?"

The man is taken aback. "You can tell that from what I'm buying?" he asks.

The cashier replies, "no, you're just butt-ugly."

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Cash or check?

A duck walks into a convenience store to buy lip balm. When he gets to the checkout the clerk asks "Will you be paying with cash or check?" the duck replies "Put it on my bill."

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"Beep."

Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

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Gay pride parade? Why isn't there a straight pride parade?

They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.

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hotel adventure

john stayed in the hotel. but the hotels quality was average. during the checkout the receptionist write down the prices like this
HP: 100 $
SP: 50$
PP: 50$
john surprised. What's that?
Receptionist HP: Hotel Price 100$, SP: Sauna Price 50$, PP:Pool Price 50$
John "But i didnt use the sauna and pool.
receptionist: they were opened until morning. i wish if you ve used .
john s taken the pen and write " FJP: -100$ "
receptionist was surprised. "whats that?"
John: "Fucking John Price".
Receptionist: "But we didnt fuck you."
John : i was in the room until morning. i wish if you ve fucked

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[Black humor] A nigger arrives at a store checkout.

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So a single woman in her twenties walks into the local store...

She buys all the typical goods a single woman does; magazines, condoms and fast food portion for one. She arrives at the check-out and puts all the goods on the desk.
Cashier guy: Are you single?
Woman: Oh my gosh! Hehe, yes, how did you know? Was it because of all the goods I bought?
Cashier guy: No, because you`re fucking ugly.

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Wanna hear a joke? checkout my username and you will GET IT

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A Guy Walks Up To The Female Cashier at the Checkout In A Grocery Store...

He places a half gallon of milk, a t.v. dinner, an apple, a can of pop, a half dozen eggs and a small jar of peanut butter onto the checkout counter.
As the cashier is scanning each item, she strikes up a conversation with the guy.
"So you must be single," she says as she smiles and places the last of the items in the bag.

Intrigued and impressed by her power of observation, the guy responds,
"Yes I am. And you were able to figure that out just by looking at my groceries, weren't you?"

She replies " No, you're just really fucking ugly..."

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A man walks up to the checkout lane with a bouquet of flowers and a jug of wine.

I'll be right back. The man said, placing his items on the conveyer belt and running off.

A few minutes later, the man returns with another bouquet of flowers and a jug of wine.

The person behind him in line curiously asks, Two girlfriends?

The man responds, No, just one really angry one.

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The lost son

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him
and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel
uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady
proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back,
and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his
groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her"

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Buying Condoms

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

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Goodbye Mother.

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:

"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.

"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"

"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

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A man walks up to the checkout lane with a bouquet of flowers and a jug of wine.

I'll be right back. The man said, placing his items on the conveyer belt and running off.

A few minutes later, the man returns with another bouquet of flowers and a jug of wine.

The person behind him in line curiously asks, Two girlfriends?

The man responds, No, just one really angry one.

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A young man shopping in a supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

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Dual core processor

One time, a group of us guys were at the grocery store buying some beer. I was having a conversation with one of my friends at the checkout counter as I saw a really, really, hot girl. My eyes were attached to her and couldn't let go. I was able to keep up with the conversation despite not looking at my friend.

He then asked "Are you really paying attention or are you just looking at that hot chick?"

I replied, "No, I'm paying attention. I'm like a dual-core processor. One is for our conversation and the other is right now on the girl"

Then my other friend said, "I am dual-core as well. But both cores are hung on that girl. "

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the old man

Some older guy was following me around at a small grocery store, always about 10 feet back. He kept looking at me and sighing. I thought he was some old gay pervert, but I was wrong. He got to the store's single checkout line just before I did. There he turned to me and told me something quite heart wrenching. He said he was sorry for staring, but I looked exactly like his son who had died fighting in Iraq ten years before. He asked if it would be too weird if he could give me a hug and say goodbye as some sort of closure. I though it harmless so agreed. He gave me a hug and said, good bye, son. And then he left the store with his groceries. As I had my few items scanned and went to pay, I was outraged at the total. It was much more than my few items warranted. I asked the cashier to explain the situation, and she said that my father said I was covering his groceries too.

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When God created Walmarts he...

Emptied trailer parks into checkout lines.

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A guy walks up to the grocery store checkout...

The girl working the cash register starts to ring up his items - a six pack of beer, 1 frozen dinner, a bottle of hand lotion - at this the girl snickers. She continues ringing up the items - a box of doughnuts, a 1/2 gallon container of milk...then the girl speaks up.

"Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind me asking...but are you single?"
Blushing, the man responds, "Why yes I am. It's that obvious by what I'm purchasing, huh?"
"No" shes says. "Because you're really fucking ugly."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best checkout jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 41 puns about checkout. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty checkout gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these checkout jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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