The Best 56 Checkout Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Checkout jokes. There are some checkout items jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these checkout teller puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Checkout Jokes and Puns

A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .

Cash or check?

A duck walks into a convenience store to buy lip balm. When he gets to the checkout the clerk asks "Will you be paying with cash or check?" the duck replies "Put it on my bill."

A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

Checkout joke, A frenchman walks into a library

My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"

"Nah, you're ugly"


Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

Checkout joke, A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

A single man is in the checkout line at a grocery store...

...and the cashier watches as he places each item on the belt: 1 frozen pizza, 5 TV dinners, 1 bar of soap, and 1 six-pack of Budweiser.

As she takes his money, the cashier looks at the man and says "you must be single, right?"

The man is taken aback. "You can tell that from what I'm buying?" he asks.

The cashier replies, "no, you're just butt-ugly."

This guy goes through the checkout line of the grocery store…

and he's got, like, a stack of frozen dinners, a six-pack of beer, a big 'ol bag of chips, and a single roll of toilet paper.
The cute checkout girl says, "Well, I know *you're* single!"
The guy says, "Well, yeahβ€”how'd you guess?"
She says, "You're ugly."

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

What is the cheapest date ever?

Drive in reverse trough the mcdrive, so the checkout is on her side.

You can explore checkout paypal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean checkout store dad jokes. There are also checkout puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My dad always grabbed a copy of O, The Oprah Magazine, when we were in the checkout line...

He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*

ACT FAST!! Huge discounts at all stores in Baltimore.

use promo code "Freddie Gray" at checkout.

sorry guys, but the discounts are in-store only.

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers

but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

This self checkout lane has the sexiest cashier.

Checkout joke, This self checkout lane has the sexiest cashier.

A man is at the checkout to purchase some condoms...

...the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag as well?" the man replies, "Oh, no thank you--she isn't that ugly."

Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;

I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...

A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children".

"That's a good deal!" he thought.


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight." the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

why can't conservatives work at a checkout counter?

Because they don't like change...

Father and son during checkout at Dick's Sporting Goods...

Dad: Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.

Son: Are these coupons only for Dick's?

Dad: No, they work for normal people too.

Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...

(True Story)

My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite...

When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.

Where's a mom's favorite place to go right after buying a week's worth of groceries?

The self checkout

A woman walks into a supermarket.

She buys a bar of soap, a roll of toilet paper, a single size dinner, and a single size ice cream. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

If Britain has Brexit...

Did the Czech Republic check-out?

I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."

A woman is doing some grocery shopping...

She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:

"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"

The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"

The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"

I'd like to buy one of those plastic dividers from the supermarket checkout

But the checkout lady keeps putting it back!

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

The checkout girl blushed when she scanned my condoms.

If only she knew what the cucumber was for.

A husband's new wife really wants...

A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.

So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.

At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?

What's it called when a deathrow inmate kills themselves?

Self checkout.

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.

Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.

She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

I went to a Chinese supermarket but couldn't read the sign telling me which is the express checkout

All I saw was a bunch of lines

I have found that the checkout divider bar is the hardest thing to buy.

Every time I put in on the checkout belt, the cashier keeps putting it away.

Why did Narcissus love going to the grocery store?

The self checkout.

I ordered a gavel online

When it delivered, I found two gavels in the box.

I was so excited at checkout that I pressed ORDER, ORDER!

I was at the grocery store yesterday and the cashier told me to kill myself!

I guess that's what you get for using self checkout

A man was at the checkout to buy a broom for his house.

He goes up to the cashier and asks if the broom he has is the best one they have. The cashier responds "im not sure i mean a broom is a broom". The man replies "whoa lets not make any sweeping generalizations here"

I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...

It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the crap out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...

Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...

True story

A few years ago, the (very attractive) checkout assistant in Asda asked the person in front of me for age ID. Ever the charmer I asked if she wanted to see my ID.

Quick as a flash she replied "Yeah, go on, show me your bus pass!"

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.

When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.

One lady turns to the other & says:

'Well we could always eat one...'

A girl was at the store getting a sandwich and some chips and the guy at the checkout asked "do you want to go for a drink?"

To which she says "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend"

And the guy replied "No. It's part of the meal deal"

Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.

No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.

So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.

I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today...

That's the last time I use the self checkout lane!

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "Whites only" and help us out!

Self checkout.

Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!

Cold war joke.

There's a sale on panties at the New York Macy's store
An American woman goes to the checkout with 7 panties.
Cashier:" Only 7? They're on sale this week.
The woman replies,"No Thanks,7 is all. One for every day of the week."
Next in line is a woman from France with 5 panties.
Cashier:"Only 5? They're on sale.
"Thank You,but no. I have one for each weekday and on weekends I'm a free spirit(wink wink)
Next in line a great big burly Russian woman with 12.
Cashier: Well 12,that's a nice even amount.
Russian. "Yes 12.....Jan,February,March,April........

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today!

I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

Guy is in the store...

...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..

3 bottles of red wine

3 bottles of white wine

2 bottles of champagne

1 bottle of vermouth

4 bottles of vodka

1 bottle of Hennessy

Finally one can of cat food

...when he suddenly hears a mans voice from behind: "I see.... someone's cat has a birthday!!!"

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"

A pair of elderly ladies are in line at a checkout...

They both have a cucumber, costing $2 each.


Young cashier says to them: 'That will be $4, but we have a special of 3 for $5'


The two ladies look at each other & 1 says to the other: 'Well, we could always eat one...'

At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?"

"Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the checkout conveyor jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working checkout dividers piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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