Checkout Jokes

76 checkout jokes and hilarious checkout puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about checkout that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Everyone loves a good joke and the self-checkout lines at Walmart, stores and restaurants are a great source of hilarity. Find out why people are so amused by these novel service experiences, plus some of the funniest jokes about checking out for yourself with this funny article. Learn about self-service checkout options, voucher acceptance, checks, PayPal, and more!

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Funniest Checkout Short Jokes

Short checkout jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The checkout humour may include short shop jokes also.

  1. When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.
  2. I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today! I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.
  3. A frenchman walks into a library And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
  4. Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much? They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.
  5. When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker Self-checkout every time
  6. Today I had the meanest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had. I guess it's my fault for using the self checkout.
  7. I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
  8. Was admiring myself in a mirror at the supermarket the other day. Its ok, I was at the self-checkout.
  9. Local grocery store checkout workers are ignorant, lazy, smelly … That's the last time I use the self-checkout lane
  10. At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?" "Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"

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Checkout One Liners

Which checkout one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with checkout? I can suggest the ones about checker and pickup.

  1. If Britain has Brexit... Did the Czech Republic check-out?
  2. What's it called when a deathrow inmate kills themselves? Self checkout.
  3. This self checkout lane has the sexiest cashier.
  4. Why did Narcissus love going to the grocery store? The self checkout.
  5. why can't conservatives work at a checkout counter? Because they don't like change...
  6. How is a self-checkout machine like a wife? All it does is nag you and take your money.
  7. When I feel like trash, I checkout... 9gag.
  8. "Beep." Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
  9. When God created Walmarts he... Emptied trailer parks into checkout lines.

Self Checkout Jokes

Here is a list of funny self checkout jokes and even better self checkout puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today... That's the last time I use the self checkout lane!
  • Self checkout. Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!
  • I was at the grocery store yesterday and the cashier told me to kill myself! I guess that's what you get for using self checkout
  • I looked at the self-checkouts, then at the cashier. "Can I come to you?" I asked him, unsure.
    He said, "Sure, but it will cost you."
  • Where's a mom's favorite place to go right after buying a week's worth of groceries? The self checkout
  • My wife came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal b**.... I asked her if she was at the self checkout and that Mr Officer is how I got the black eye
  • When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who's most likely to have s**... with me. I always end up at the self-checkout.
Checkout joke

Playful Checkout Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about checkout you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean purchase jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make checkout pranks.

A woman went shopping.
She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste...
All of a sudden the salesman asks her:
"You're single, aren't you?"
A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:
"That's right, but how did you guessed that?"
"Because you're so ugly."

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.

"Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered.
So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."

A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .

My grandad shared this joke the other day

A man was at the checkout of a supermarket with his shopping on the conveyer belt, the cashier took a look at the man's shopping and then asked the man "you're single aren't you?" The man, astounded replies "yes, you could tell that just from what I'm buying?" To which the cashier replies " No, you're ugly"

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."

Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."
(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

This guy goes through the checkout line of the grocery store…

and he's got, like, a stack of frozen dinners, a six-pack of beer, a big 'ol bag of chips, and a single roll of toilet paper.
The cute checkout girl says, "Well, I know *you're* single!"
The guy says, "Well, yeah—how'd you guess?"
She says, "You're ugly."

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

My dad always grabbed a copy of O, The Oprah Magazine, when we were in the checkout line...

He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*

News Joke

So today I was at work (on the checkouts at a supermarket) and somebody comes along saying: "only a news-paper for me today" as she slaps down a copy of the Sun. I reply, "so where's your news-paper then?"

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

A man is at the checkout to purchase some condoms...

...the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag as well?" the man replies, "Oh, no thank you--she isn't that ugly."

Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;

I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...

A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children".

"That's a good deal!" he thought.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight." the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

Father and son during checkout at d**...'s Sporting Goods...

Dad: Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.
Son: Are these coupons only for d**...'s?
Dad: No, they work for normal people too.
Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...
(True Story)

My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite...

When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.

A woman walks into a supermarket.

She buys a bar of soap, a roll of toilet paper, a single size dinner, and a single size ice cream. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."

A woman is doing some grocery shopping...

She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:
"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"
The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"
The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"

I'd like to buy one of those plastic dividers from the supermarket checkout

But the checkout lady keeps putting it back!

A husband's new wife really wants...

A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.
So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.
At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

I went to a Chinese supermarket but couldn't read the sign telling me which is the express checkout

All I saw was a bunch of lines

I have found that the checkout divider bar is the hardest thing to buy.

Every time I put in on the checkout belt, the cashier keeps putting it away.

A man was at the checkout to buy a broom for his house.

He goes up to the cashier and asks if the broom he has is the best one they have. The cashier responds "im not sure i mean a broom is a broom". The man replies "whoa lets not make any sweeping generalizations here"

I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...

It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the c**... out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...
Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...

True story

A few years ago, the (very attractive) checkout assistant in Asda asked the person in front of me for age ID. Ever the charmer I asked if she wanted to see my ID.
Quick as a flash she replied "Yeah, go on, show me your bus pass!"

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.
When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.
One lady turns to the other & says:
'Well we could always eat one...'

A girl was at the store getting a sandwich and some chips and the guy at the checkout asked "do you want to go for a drink?"

To which she says "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend"
And the guy replied "No. It's part of the meal deal"

Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.
No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "w**... only" and help us out!

Cold war joke.

There's a sale on p**... at the New York Macy's store
An American woman goes to the checkout with 7 p**....
Cashier:" Only 7? They're on sale this week.
The woman replies,"No Thanks,7 is all. One for every day of the week."
Next in line is a woman from France with 5 p**....
Cashier:"Only 5? They're on sale.
"Thank You,but no. I have one for each weekday and on weekends I'm a free spirit(wink wink)
Next in line a great big burly Russian woman with 12.
Cashier: Well 12,that's a nice even amount.
Russian. "Yes 12.....Jan,February,March,April........

Guy is in the store...

...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..
3 bottles of red wine
3 bottles of white wine
2 bottles of champagne
1 bottle of vermouth
4 bottles of v**...
1 bottle of Hennessy
Finally one can of cat food
...when he suddenly hears a mans voice from behind: "I see.... someone's cat has a birthday!!!"

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"
"Because of what im buying?"
"No, because youre ugly"

A pair of elderly ladies are in line at a checkout...

They both have a cucumber, costing $2 each.
Young cashier says to them: 'That will be $4, but we have a special of 3 for $5'
The two ladies look at each other & 1 says to the other: 'Well, we could always eat one...'

So I was at my local store...

So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".
We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "you know, I probably could have carried my own groceries to my car but I'm kind of lazy"
He said, "I kind of gathered that sir, here's your snickers"

Checkout joke, Today I had the meanest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had.

jokes about checkout