Check Jokes
185 check jokes and hilarious check puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about check that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A humorous look at the many types of checks in our lives, from spell checks to paychecks. Explore the range of connotations associated with the term "check" and see how they impact our everyday decisions and routines. Whether it's a reality check, a sound check, or a checkin at the room, we'll examine the different kinds of checks and their meanings.
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Funniest Check Short Jokes
Short check jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The check humour may include short inspect jokes also.
- My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.
- Just been challenged to a water fight by next door brat kids... Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
- Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & dragon campaigns? They always fail their Constitution checks.
- When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.
- Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.
- My wife didn't order anything from amazon yesterday So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.
- I'm really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. $2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking..... ......I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house.
- What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel? I'd like a room on the first floor, please.
- I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate". - I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued... "It's cutting hedge technology!"
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Check One Liners
Which check one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with check? I can suggest the ones about confirmation and test.
- How do you tell if OP has left the hotel? Username checks out
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- /u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.
- Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery Robin: What's a tery
- I store drugs right under my nose Don't believe me? Check my stash
- Got checked out by cute girl The total was $3.92
- What do you call a abortion in Czechoslovakia? A cancelled check.
- How do Australians know who won the chess game? They check, mate.
- If you want to know how many bees noah had... Check the ark hives.
- What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.
- Why could the witch never get the enchantments right? She forgot to use Spell Check.
- I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.
- Cashiers have a thing for me. They keep checking me out.
- I asked my doctor to use 2 fingers when checking my prostate.. I wanted a second opinion.
- Russia is on the right side of the conflict. Don't believe me, check a map.
Check Me Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny check me out jokes and even better check me out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
- I just checked my documents on my Laptop to find they are all gone Who let the docx. out?
(This is my friend's joke) - /u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff. Username checks out.
- I lost my job at the bank on the first day... ...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
- As a Canadian.. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free - Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance.
- I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.
- Turns out my co-worker and I are getting our teeth checked the same day Isn't that coinciDENTAL?
I'll see myself out - A really hot girl was checking me out today. Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.
- Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today. I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Pay Check Jokes
Here is a list of funny pay check jokes and even better pay check puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chess Set "I'd like to buy this chess set please"
"How will you be paying, sir?"
"Check mate".. - How do dumplings pay their bills? With “pot-sticker checks”!
- What do dinosaurs use to pay their bills? Tyrannosaurus Checks
- I read that if you're unsure about how much to spend on an engagement ring, a monthly pay check is a good guideline. So I spent £200 and gave most of the ring to our landlord.
- What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table? I'd rather him just hand me my check standing up. It's hard to crawl under there.
- Getting directions from Donald Trump is a lot like checking the hour on an analogue clock Always pay attention to where the little hand is pointing
- I like my job but my boss keeps paying me under the table. I'm not sure why he has me crawl under there to hand me my pay check.
- A man takes a plate on a date out to dinner. After they have a nice dinner, they get the check. The plate says,
"Don't worry about paying for our food. It's all on me." - I don't need to pay the doctor for a prostate check up My uncle did it for free
- I just asked my father when the last time he donated money to a charity was... He replied every month on my pay check with how much is taken in taxes
Sound Check Jokes
Here is a list of funny sound check jokes and even better sound check puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I moan every time a cashier checks an item for me The sound is proportional to the amount. I once bought a house. They heard me three states away
Prostate Check Jokes
Here is a list of funny prostate check jokes and even better prostate check puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to see my doctor to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.
- The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do... ...he was clearly a meaty urologist.
- I have the best proctologist. He's able to massage my shoulders and check my prostate at the same time.
- Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition.... I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know
- Check up time. I've just been for my 6 month check up and everything seem to be going well until he slipped his finger in to check my prostate. I will not be using that dental practise again.
- That uncomfortable feeling when... You're at the doctors office getting your prostate checked and notice both of the doctor's hands on the table next to yours.
- My doctor always insists on checking my prostate. Which is weird because he's a psychiatrist.
Spell Check Jokes
Here is a list of funny spell check jokes and even better spell check puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do witches use most on their phone? Spell check
- Here are two steps to take if you are ever stuck on a desserted island. Step 1: Check spelling.
Step 2: If correct, enjoy. - Microsoft has hired a new project manager: Hermione Granger... She's in charge of spell-check.
- What does a witch use to see if her spells are going to work? Spell check!
- This book of incantations is useless. The author failed to run a spell check.
- Why did the wizard's incantation fail? He forgot to use spell check
- My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said. When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!
- The FBI has my money!!!!!!!!and Apparently they don't use spell check
- The state of the uniom was awesome. Wait, the spell checking machine is 🅱roke
Entertaining Check Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about check you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean proof jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make check pranks.
So I checked into a low class hotel
I called the frontdesk and told him "I got a leak in my sink," he said "go ahead."
A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call
A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."
What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat?
I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.
What bounces and makes little children cry?
My donation check to Feed the Children!
Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital s**......
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of i**..., you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."
As migration approached, two elderly vultures
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
A woman's anger is like a Check Engine light...
There's no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad...
But when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Check this one out:
**1**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Bag limit.
A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back".
...
"What fish?"
I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg
He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband get back home from work asks wife
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...
So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
What's the worst part of running into your ex?
You have to get out and check to see how bad your car is damaged.
When can't a pencil write out a check?
When it's broke.
I'm sorry, you can't check your disobedient child on this flight.
Guess you'll have to carry on your wayward son
A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...
... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...
...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
A new monk arrives at the monastery.....
and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
This was my grandma's favourite joke
Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.
"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.
There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."
"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"
A customer asked me to check their balance.
...so I pushed them over and they fell.
A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.
One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check the rain and her glass eye fell out. She asks him to bring it up the stairs to her, which he does immediately. To say thanks, she kisses him on the mouth. Mildly surprised, he asks, "Do you do that to every guy you meet?"
And she replies, "Only the ones that catch my eye."
An Ole and Lena joke
Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."
Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."
Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?"
Lena: "In da lake."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?
Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
A monk decides to become a scribe...
When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.
The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...
"It says 'celebrate'."
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
Probably offensive
My friend and I were walking down the street the other day when we saw a young black man running past with a TV. "That looked just like mine!" I exclaimed. We immediately rushed home to check but everything was fine, mine was still polishing my shoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
I had to check my printer because I thought I heard music coming from it.
It was the paper jamming.
An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border
At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."
A driver gets pulled over . . .
A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.
The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.
He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"
"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
I knew the psychic was a fraud
the second she accepted my check
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night
A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night and discovers a private sneaking back into the barracks.
Sergeant: Private! What are you doing?
Private: Trying to sleep, sir!
Sergeant: You look like you just had s**..., boy. When did you last have s**...?
Private: 2010, sir!
Sergeant: 2010? That's a long time, son.
Private: Not really, sir! It's only 2045 right now.
We must follow our policy. . .
I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket
Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket
How often do scientists check the element table?
Periodically...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you are over 40, it's no longer called m**...
If you are over 40, it's no longer called m**....
It's called a system check.
I was playing chess with my Australian friend
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
A day in the life of an IT guy...
Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
Lil piggy is sick
A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"
Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."
One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"
A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.
Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vegans proven wrong again
If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?
Check mate vegans
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is about to die.
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
Trouble with the car
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my mother's f**..., we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.
He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...
"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."
When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.
I don't even let my wife do that.
The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now
So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.
A nun was fired from her job in heaven...
A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an IT admin are in a car that won't start.
Electrical Engineer: "It has to be the battery. Let's check that."
Mechanical Engineer: "No, I think it's the engine. Let's check that instead."
IT Admin: "How about this? Let's all get out of the car and get back in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
SMS
I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have this s**... obsession to check whether the oven is on and that the doors are locked.
I really hate my job at the crematorium.
A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"
The mother replies, "Like father like son"
A woman was at the supermarket
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "
The blonde look around and says
" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Checkmate atheists
If god doesn't exist, explain how my girlfriend is pregnant when we've never had s**.... Checkmate atheists.
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .
They said, Maybe you should check your junk.
