cheap Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cheap stories

What are the best cheap puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cheap? Well here is a complete list of the top cheap jokes:

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

a rip off.

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What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

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What's the cheapest type of meat to buy??

Deer balls; because they're under a buck.

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Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...

... no ballroom.

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What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

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What's the cheapest kind of meat?

...Deer balls, They're under a buck!

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These pants fit like a cheap hotel...

No ballroom.

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I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

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I got a cheap circumcision yesterday...

It was a rip off.

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What do a man's thong and a cheap hotel have in common?

No Ballroom

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I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

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What's the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer Balls...they're under a buck

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So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.

That's awfully cheap for a human baby.

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What is the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

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Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff

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My dad is so cheap.

He scolded me for running home behind the bus once, and saving the *fare. He said I should have run behind a taxi, and saved a lot more.

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It was pretty hard to find a cheap way to get our son circumcised...

...But in the end we pulled it off.

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What do you call a cheap male prostitute with a big dick?

$5 foot long.

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A Scot finished having sex with a woman he just met.

He goes into the bathroom, and after a few minutes, the woman peeks in. She sees him washing and drying his condom.

She exclaims, "What are you doing, you cheap Scottish bastard?!?!"

He says, "I have to wash it out - it belongs to the club!"

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Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses?

Because they're a diamond dozen

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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Cheap and bitter.

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A Scot finished making love with a woman, and heads to the bathroom.

She sees him remove and wash off his condom. She says, "You Scots certainly are cheap bastards!"

The guy responds, "Hey, I have to clean it. It belongs to the club!"

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What's the difference between a stingy neighbor and a cheap prostitute?

One nickels and dimes you for screws while the other screws you for nickels and dimes.

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A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.

The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.

The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.

A man asked the doctor what the line was for.

The doctor replied "that's the punchline."

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A cheap concert

50 CENT starring Nickleback

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I get really pissed off at racists who say I'm cheap because I'm part Jewish.

It's because I'm part Scottish.

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What is the difference between a cheap whore and an expensive whore?

One is your mom; the other one gets paid more.

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I made this joke up in my sleep... seriously.

What does a bird say when he enters Nofrills?

"Cheap, Cheap, Cheap..."

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What do you call a cheap circumcision ?

A rip off.

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Cheapest meat

What is the cheapest meat on the market?

Deer nuts.

Really?

*Yeah. They're under a buck*


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What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

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What do you call a cheap male prostitute with a big cock?

$5 Footlond

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"A mushroom walks into a bar..." (My all-time fav joke)

A mushroom walks into a bar. He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up. He gives her a few cheap lines, and she replies Get out of here, I don't want nothing to do with you!

Then the mushroom says, What's the matter? I'm a fun-gi!

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A man walks into a bar

The bartender says What can I get you?

The man says Cheapest beer I can get.

After many cheap beers, the man walks home, and stumbles into his house.

The man, in his drunken state, yells at his wife to get him another beer.

His wife, says that in his inebriated state, he should not drink any more beer.

Enraged, the man begins beating his wife, causing her to scream out for help.

A neighbor hears this, and calls for the police, and the man is arrested, as he has a history of incidents involving domestic abuse, but were written off as accidents .

As the man is thrown in jail, he sees that he has a cell mate. The man asks his cell mate What are you in here for?

The cell mate says Well, I was arrested for several counts of theft. I had a reputation as 'The Sensitive Burglar'

The man scoffs What kind of nickname is that?

No need to be rude The burglar says, I just take things personally

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Riding the Bus for the First Time is Like Losing Your Virginity to a Cheap Hooker.

You wait around to find a nice taxi, but none appear.And then all of a sudden, you see this giant non-appealing thing lumber towards you. You give up your hopes and pay then fee of 1.50 and enter the massive doors that, over the years have been modified to fit fairly large occupants. For the next 20 or so minutes,it's a very bumpy ride, stop and go. Then you realize there have been elderly, handicapped, both physically and mentally, spewing their bodily fluids everywhere. Then when you get were you needed to go, you immediately regret it. And then you never see the exact same bus again.

If this joke was terrible, it's because it was both original and my first, all let myself out.

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ways to turn men down










Ways To Turn Men Down

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, i'd rather have the money

He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

He: Your face must turn a few heads.
She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

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Towel Flapping Skills

Paddy and his wife have been married for 10 years, but in that time Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm. To fix this they go to a sex therapist, who suggests that his wife might be too hot and they should buy a fan. Paddy, being a bit cheap, doesn't buy a fan but gets his mate to stand in the corner to flap a towel instead. So Paddy and his wife go at it, Paddy's mate flapping the towel the whole time. After hours without success, Paddy's mate suggests they swap places. Paddy agrees and after 5 minutes of Paddy's mate and Paddy's wife going at it, his wife is screaming in ecstasy. Eventually, once they finished, Paddy says "Now that how you flap a towel!"

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A cheap blowjob.

A poor man is walking in Amsterdam, desperately looking for a blowjob. He meets an elderly woman who tells him to go to the blowjobmachine around the corner. The man follows her advice and finds the machine. He pays 10 euros and receives the best blowjob he ever had.

Later that day, the man decides to go back for round 2 but discovers that he only has 5 euros left. He decides to go for it anyway, hoping the machine would accept it. He was right and the blowjob starts. A few moments later he feels the most terrible pain, he pulls his dick out and sees blood coming out of it. He screams, asking what happened, when the elderly woman steps out of the machine telling him: "Did you actually believe I would take out my dentures for 5 euros!".

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Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left his property.

Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:

Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"

Billy: "Yeah!"

Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy: "Yep."

Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

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Budgeting costs

The Italian government was getting ready to invest in a new software that would help them become more efficient. Three companies put bids forth and they turned out to be from different countries: China, Germany and Russia.

The Chinese bid was $1 million, which was quite cheap. The German bid was for $2 million. So, the project director brings them in, to question them why there was such substantial difference. The Germans explained that German engineering produces higher quality products, unlike the Chinese who create buggy software.

The Russians had bid $3 million. Well, they got brought in as well, and were told that the Chinese had bid $1 million and the Germans $2 million, and asked why was their bid so much more.

The Russian representative says: It's $1 million for you, $1 million for us and $1 million for the Chinese.

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An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar...

An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says, "In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one twice".

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Catholic tastes

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next to a priest and started reading the newspaper.

After a few minutes, he asked the priest, "How do people get arthritis?"

The priest replied, "By drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and reading smut."

After a few minutes, the priest started to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and asked him why he wanted to know.

The bum replied, "Well, I read that the Pope has arthritis..."

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A shy wood eye'd man.

A man takes a visit to the doctor to see what he can do about getting an artificial eye. He says to the doctor, "Doc I don't have much cash but can you give me an eye that looks as real as it gets for cheap?" The doctor responds, "I have a wood eye here for you and no one will be able to tell the difference." The man buys the eye and leaves the doctor's office.

The man comes back a week later and says to the doctor, "Doc I don't think this eye helping me out, I'm just not having any luck with the ladies." The doctor then puts his hands on the man's shoulders and says, "It's not about the eye it's about confidence, go out there and just be confident about yourself."

The man decides that going out to club would be the best way to get chicks so he goes and as usual is not confident within himself to pick up on any ladies. He then spots a woman with a bit of a hump back and he thinks to himself, "she has a bit of a deformity like me so she'll have to say yes!" So he walks over to her and he asks, "Miss would you like to dance with me?" and she responds with, "OH WOULD I!" He quickly replies with, "whatever you hump back bitch!"



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Same thing...

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." ONE CENT that is way too cheap!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?".. The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites)

A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman's name to the long waiting list. "Come back two years from now on March 17th," he says.

The woman consults her calendar. "Morning or afternoon?" she asks.

"What difference does it make?" the surly dealer replies. "That's two years from now!"

"The plumber is coming that day," she says.

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So I was watching the closing ceremony last night...

Following a mention of the paralympics with "Roll on Rio" sounded like a really cheap shot.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best cheap jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about cheap. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty cheap gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these cheap jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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