Cheap Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

If I had a dollar for every time I had sex

I'd be a cheap prostitute

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

a rip off.

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

What is the cheapest meat?

Deer testicles.

They're under a Buck.

A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"

"Yup."

"Wow, can't turn that down."

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

Today i got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?

No *ball*room

I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for Β£3000.
The man agrees.
6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants.
"Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?"
He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...

... no ballroom.

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs..

Wooden tit?

Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

What's the difference between the Seahawks and a cheap hooker?

The hooker won't choke on six inches.

My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

I like my women like I like my ramen noodles

Hot, cheap, and Asian

If I had a nickel for every time I had sex...

... I'd be a very cheap hooker.

My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit.

He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."

These pants fit like a cheap hotel...

No ballroom.

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

For sale: Dead canary

Not going cheap

I got gas today for $1.49.

I couldn't believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don't know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

3 Foot Condom

A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale?

The owners says "Yes but its not cheap, i'd want Β£500 for it."

"I'll take it" says the dwarf.

After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he thinks he looks like?

The owner replies "to be honest you look like a massive cock."

"Excellent." replies the dwarf, "i'm pissed off with being called a little cunt."

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

I got a cheap circumcision yesterday...

It was a rip off.

A woman wish to buy a Parrot. The prices are $50, $100, $400 and $15.Then she asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

What do a man's thong and a cheap hotel have in common?

No Ballroom

What are the cheapest kind of nuts?

Deer nuts, they're under a buck.

What do you call a cheap wig?

A small price toupΓ©e.

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"

"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."

"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"

Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.

The seller responded, "One dollar."

"Wow, only one dollar?"

"Yep, one dollar."

Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.

"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.

"So the volume is always turned up?"

"Yep."

"And it's only a dollar?"

"Yes, one dollar."

"Just cause the volume is turned all the way up?"

"Yep."

"Wow! Can't turn that down."

I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

Tight pants are like a cheap hotel...

No ball room

What's the difference between a cheap beer and a clit?

The clit only tastes like piss in the beginning.

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.

How are a pair of skinny jeans like a cheap motel?

No ballroom

Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?

Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop

There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.

Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.

Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

For someone with a penis, wearing skinny jeans is a lot like living in a cheap mansion...

There's no ballroom.

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

A kid asked his cheap dad for $5

"$4? What do you need $3 for? I've only got $2. Here's $1"

A cheap blowjob.

A poor man is walking in Amsterdam, desperately looking for a blowjob. He meets an elderly woman who tells him to go to the blowjobmachine around the corner. The man follows her advice and finds the machine. He pays 10 euros and receives the best blowjob he ever had.

Later that day, the man decides to go back for round 2 but discovers that he only has 5 euros left. He decides to go for it anyway, hoping the machine would accept it. He was right and the blowjob starts. A few moments later he feels the most terrible pain, he pulls his dick out and sees blood coming out of it. He screams, asking what happened, when the elderly woman steps out of the machine telling him: "Did you actually believe I would take out my dentures for 5 euros!".

Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

Catholic tastes

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next to a priest and started reading the newspaper.

After a few minutes, he asked the priest, "How do people get arthritis?"

The priest replied, "By drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and reading smut."

After a few minutes, the priest started to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and asked him why he wanted to know.

The bum replied, "Well, I read that the Pope has arthritis..."

My dad's favourite joke

Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building.

The first man turns to the other two and says: "I bet you $1000 each that you can't throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground."

Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think "there's no way he'll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000" and agree to the challenge.

The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He leaps whole floors at a time, sprints out at ground floor and sees a bunch of confused people crowded around his crumpled watch. Sadly he trudges back up to the top.

The third man walks over to the edge, throws his watch high in the air, and goes sprinting to the elevators. He jumps in, races to ground level, sprints out just in time to see his watch shatter into a million pieces. Sadly, he catches the elevator back up to the top.

The first guy walks over to the edge, calmly drops his watch over, then casually strolls over to the elevator. He takes it down a few floors, hops out and orders himself a coffee. He enjoys the beautiful view, then hops back into the elevator, taking it to the ground floor. Without a hint of hurry, he saunters out the front, looks up, and catches his watch. He grabs another coffee on his way back up.

"How in holy hell did you manage to do that?!" the other two men ask.

"Easy" says the first man "My watch is ten minutes slow."

My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25


I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

A cheap parrot

A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale at $160, $150, and $10.

She asks, "Why is the last parrot so cheap?!" and the store owner replied

"It used to live in a whore house."

So the woman laughs and buys the parrot and gets home. When she enters, the parrot says

"WOW, a new whore house!"

Later, the woman's two daughters arrive and the parrot says

"Damn! Two new gals just got hired!"

They all laugh and go to have dinner, which is when the father comes home. The parrot says

"Hey Dave! I see you found the new spot!"

I like my health care like I like my hookers (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

The Rooster

A farmer goes to the market looking for a new rooster. He finds one for very cheap and asks the owner what was wrong with it. "This rooster fucks everything and i cant get him to stop, please take him" said the man. So the farmer takes the rooster home and puts him in his cage. That night he heard his pigs squealing like crazy, next morning the farmer found the rooster in the pig pen and all of his pigs have been fucked. "Better cut that out or you'll kill yourself" the farmer said. The next night he hears the cows mooing and rustling around in the barn. Next morning he finds the rooster there and that all the cows have been fucked. "Rooster I'm tellin you your gonna kill yourself." the farmer told him. The next night the same thing happened with the horses and then with the goats. The farmer told his rooster the same thing,"Rooster your gonna kill yourself doing that." The next night the farmer doesn't hear a single thing for the first time since he got the rooster. In the morning he looked out into his pasture and saw the rooster laying on his back feet in the air with vulchers circling above him. The farmer went out to him and said, "You see rooster I told you, you were gonna kill yourself."
The rooster looked at him and said, "Shhh, they're about to land."

Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.

She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.

The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday

Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars

Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day.

What a nightmare.

What are the funniest cheap jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cheap? Well, here are the best Cheap puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cheap pick up lines to share with friends.

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