cheap Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cheap puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

"That will be $0.05 please sir".

"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"

"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".

"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".

"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".

"This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him".

"Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife".

"...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"Same thing I am doing down here with his business".

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If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

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I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

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I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

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I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

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If I had a dollar for every time I had sex

I'd be a cheap prostitute

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

a rip off.

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I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

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What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

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A woman walks into a pet store..

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

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A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar...

...and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jackass. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs."

Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone."

The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

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What is the cheapest meat?

Deer testicles.

They're under a Buck.

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Bartering Australian style

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"

"Yup."

"Wow, can't turn that down."

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

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Today i got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

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What is the cheapest type of meat?

Deer testicles. They're under a buck.

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A lady sees a beautiful parrot at a petstore for $1

She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."

The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"

Her two daughters walk in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, two new whores!"

Her husband walks in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, Bob, I haven't seen you in three months!"

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What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?

No *ball*room

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I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

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I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

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A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for Β£3000.
The man agrees.
6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.
While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants.
"Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?"
He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

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Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.

She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.

The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

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What's the cheapest type of meat to buy??

Deer balls; because they're under a buck.

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Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...

... no ballroom.

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What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

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It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs..

Wooden tit?

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Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!

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I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[Again, sorry. I tried. :) I was going to work 'sticks' and 7 ate 9 into it but have a go yourself. ]

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I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

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What's the cheapest kind of meat?

...Deer balls, They're under a buck!

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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer Balls. They're under a Buck!

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What's the difference between the Seahawks and a cheap hooker?

The hooker won't choke on six inches.

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My granma got my granpa a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle".

When I looked confused, he explained, "no ballroom"

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I like my women like I like my ramen noodles

Hot, cheap, and Asian

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what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

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Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.

Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"

Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left his property.

Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:

Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"

Billy: "Yeah!"

Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy: "Yep."

Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"

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If I had a nickel for every time I had sex...

... I'd be a very cheap hooker.

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off ;)

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My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit.

He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."

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I like my women like I like my coffee...

Exported for dirt cheap from third-world countries.

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Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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My dad's favourite joke

Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building.

The first man turns to the other two and says: "I bet you $1000 each that you can't throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground."

Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think "there's no way he'll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000" and agree to the challenge.

The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He leaps whole floors at a time, sprints out at ground floor and sees a bunch of confused people crowded around his crumpled watch. Sadly he trudges back up to the top.

The third man walks over to the edge, throws his watch high in the air, and goes sprinting to the elevators. He jumps in, races to ground level, sprints out just in time to see his watch shatter into a million pieces. Sadly, he catches the elevator back up to the top.

The first guy walks over to the edge, calmly drops his watch over, then casually strolls over to the elevator. He takes it down a few floors, hops out and orders himself a coffee. He enjoys the beautiful view, then hops back into the elevator, taking it to the ground floor. Without a hint of hurry, he saunters out the front, looks up, and catches his watch. He grabs another coffee on his way back up.

"How in holy hell did you manage to do that?!" the other two men ask.

"Easy" says the first man "My watch is ten minutes slow."

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A cheap parrot

A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale at $160, $150, and $10.

She asks, "Why is the last parrot so cheap?!" and the store owner replied

"It used to live in a whore house."

So the woman laughs and buys the parrot and gets home. When she enters, the parrot says

"WOW, a new whore house!"

Later, the woman's two daughters arrive and the parrot says

"Damn! Two new gals just got hired!"

They all laugh and go to have dinner, which is when the father comes home. The parrot says

"Hey Dave! I see you found the new spot!"

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The Rooster

A farmer goes to the market looking for a new rooster. He finds one for very cheap and asks the owner what was wrong with it. "This rooster fucks everything and i cant get him to stop, please take him" said the man. So the farmer takes the rooster home and puts him in his cage. That night he heard his pigs squealing like crazy, next morning the farmer found the rooster in the pig pen and all of his pigs have been fucked. "Better cut that out or you'll kill yourself" the farmer said. The next night he hears the cows mooing and rustling around in the barn. Next morning he finds the rooster there and that all the cows have been fucked. "Rooster I'm tellin you your gonna kill yourself." the farmer told him. The next night the same thing happened with the horses and then with the goats. The farmer told his rooster the same thing,"Rooster your gonna kill yourself doing that." The next night the farmer doesn't hear a single thing for the first time since he got the rooster. In the morning he looked out into his pasture and saw the rooster laying on his back feet in the air with vulchers circling above him. The farmer went out to him and said, "You see rooster I told you, you were gonna kill yourself."
The rooster looked at him and said, "Shhh, they're about to land."

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These pants fit like a cheap hotel...

No ballroom.

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I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

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For sale: Dead canary

Not going cheap

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An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

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I got gas today for $1.49.

I couldn't believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don't know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.

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I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

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Today I got in touch with my inner self

Last time I'm buying cheap toilet paper.

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what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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3 Foot Condom

A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale?

The owners says "Yes but its not cheap, i'd want Β£500 for it."

"I'll take it" says the dwarf.

After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he thinks he looks like?

The owner replies "to be honest you look like a massive cock."

"Excellent." replies the dwarf, "i'm pissed off with being called a little cunt."

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What Do You Call a Cheap Circumcision

A rip off

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What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

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I got a cheap circumcision yesterday...

It was a rip off.

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25 years of marriage

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed

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A woman wish to buy a Parrot. The prices are $50, $100, $400 and $15.Then she asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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What do a man's thong and a cheap hotel have in common?

No Ballroom

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What are the cheapest kind of nuts?

Deer nuts, they're under a buck.

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Redneck Birth Control

A redneck in the deep south calls a number he found on a flyer for cheap home vasectomies.
A man on the other side of the line informs him that the procedure is very simple. So simple in fact he can do it on his own.
All he needs is a beer can, a cherry bomb (little firecracker) and to count to 10 whilst standing in the garden.
So the redneck empties the can, lights the cherry bomb and drops it in.
Holding the can in his left hand he starts counting on his fingers.
And then placing the can between his thighs he continues to count on the other hand.

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What do you call a cheap wig?

A small price toupΓ©e.

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Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.

The seller responded, "One dollar."

"Wow, only one dollar?"

"Yep, one dollar."

Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.

"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.

"So the volume is always turned up?"

"Yep."

"And it's only a dollar?"

"Yes, one dollar."

"Just cause the volume is turned all the way up?"

"Yep."

"Wow! Can't turn that down."

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I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

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Tight pants are like a cheap hotel...

No ball room

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What's the difference between a cheap beer and a clit?

The clit only tastes like piss in the beginning.

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I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's the last time I'm buying the cheap toilet paper.

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loose skin around the vagina? (women)(sfw)

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.

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What's the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer Balls...they're under a buck

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A Rip-Off

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An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar...

An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says, "In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one twice".

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Parrot discipline

One day a woman decided to get a parrot. She was in luck, because the pet store had a previously owned one very cheap, but when she got it home she found out why: its previous owner had been a sailor, and the parrot's language was awful. Whatever she tried, it just kept squawking "Fuck off, bitch!" and "Kiss my ass, you stupid cunt!" Finally she got fed up, grabbed the parrot, and threw it in the freezer. There was a torrent of scrabbling and profanity, then all of a sudden it got quiet. She waited a few minutes, then opened the door, and the parrot meekly walked out, head down. "Are you going to keep swearing?" she asked. "No," the parrot whispered, then looked up at her fearfully. "Just tell me one thing -- *what did the chicken do?*"

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How are a pair of skinny jeans like a cheap motel?

No ballroom

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

...a rip off.

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Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?

Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

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There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop

There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.

Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.

Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

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For someone with a penis, wearing skinny jeans is a lot like living in a cheap mansion...

There's no ballroom.

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"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

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A kid asked his cheap dad for $5

"$4? What do you need $3 for? I've only got $2. Here's $1"

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A cheap blowjob.

A poor man is walking in Amsterdam, desperately looking for a blowjob. He meets an elderly woman who tells him to go to the blowjobmachine around the corner. The man follows her advice and finds the machine. He pays 10 euros and receives the best blowjob he ever had.

Later that day, the man decides to go back for round 2 but discovers that he only has 5 euros left. He decides to go for it anyway, hoping the machine would accept it. He was right and the blowjob starts. A few moments later he feels the most terrible pain, he pulls his dick out and sees blood coming out of it. He screams, asking what happened, when the elderly woman steps out of the machine telling him: "Did you actually believe I would take out my dentures for 5 euros!".

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Catholic tastes

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next to a priest and started reading the newspaper.

After a few minutes, he asked the priest, "How do people get arthritis?"

The priest replied, "By drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and reading smut."

After a few minutes, the priest started to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and asked him why he wanted to know.

The bum replied, "Well, I read that the Pope has arthritis..."

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My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25


I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

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I got in touch with my inner self today

And that's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

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I like my health care like I like my hookers (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

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My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday

Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars

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Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day.

What a nightmare.

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What's the cheapest meat in the world?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

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What's the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls, they're under a buck!

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I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child.

Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don't come cheap.

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Guy with a wooden eye.

A guy loses his eye in an accident, and he's so poor he can't afford a glass eye, so he gets a cheap wooden one and it looks like a piece of crap. He's very self conscious about the eye and avoids having anything to do with women. Then he meets this one woman who has a severe harelip and is very shy about speaking to men. He figures he might have a chance there, so works up the guts to ask her out. He goes up to her and says, "Say, you uhhh, you wouldn't uhhh, you wouldn't want to go out with me, would you?"
She says, "Would I?! Would I!!" He snarls back, "Harelip! Harelip!"

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So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.

That's awfully cheap for a human baby.

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I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

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[NSFW] What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

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What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes?

Goodwill Hunting

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What is the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

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What's the cheapest meat?

Deer balls.

They're under a buck.

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Adam is feeling a bit lonely in the garden of eden

So one day he asks God for a companion. God thinks about this for a little while and finally comes back to Adam and says "I've got the perfect bride for you. She cooks, cleans, does whatever you ask and is gorgeous to boot." Adam looks up and says "Thats amazing! What do I have to do for such a wonderful woman?" God replies "Unfortunately it won't be cheap, it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg" Adam thinks about this for a second and says "Thats a little steep God, what can I get for a rib?"

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Obama frees a genie

Obama frees a genie, but this is a cheap genie and he only grants him one wish. Obama furrows his brow in thought and finally comes up with the perfect single wish and starts:

"Now, let me be clear..."

he turns into a window.

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Wife and i need a vacation.

So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have sex we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!

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PSA: Don't get a cheap circumcision.

Usually, it's a rip-off.

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Pet shop

Have you got any kittens going cheap? Asked a customer in a pet shop.


No, sir, replied the owner. All our kittens go Meow.

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Two bums are sharing a drink...

*A little background - in Russia it's kind of a cultural thing to drink in groups of three*

Two bums are sitting in an alley behind a liquor store and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka when a third bum comes up to them.

- "Hey guys, can I be the third?"
- "No, but you can be the fourth!"
- "What?"
- "We already told three others to go fuck themselves"

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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

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I took a look at my wife one day and said ...

... "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night.

Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10-inch black & white TV.

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Towel Flapping Skills

Paddy and his wife have been married for 10 years, but in that time Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm. To fix this they go to a sex therapist, who suggests that his wife might be too hot and they should buy a fan. Paddy, being a bit cheap, doesn't buy a fan but gets his mate to stand in the corner to flap a towel instead. So Paddy and his wife go at it, Paddy's mate flapping the towel the whole time. After hours without success, Paddy's mate suggests they swap places. Paddy agrees and after 5 minutes of Paddy's mate and Paddy's wife going at it, his wife is screaming in ecstasy. Eventually, once they finished, Paddy says "Now that how you flap a towel!"

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of 15 year old scotch...

The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know 15 year old scotch from water". So he pours some cheap whiskey for the guy, who throws back the shot and spits it out all over the bar. "No, Damn it!", yells the man, "I want 15 year old scotch, not this house crap." The bartender wants to test him now and gives him a shot of six year old scotch.
The man drinks it and spits it out. "That's six year old scotch. I want 15 year old scotch!." So the bartender pours a shot of 9 year old scotch. The man drinks it and spits it on the bar. "Look, I'm not asking you again!. I want 15 year old scotch, not the 9 year old!"
So the bartender finally gives the man 15 year old scotch. He drinks it down and says, "Finally.Thank you. That's very good." The drunk bum sitting next to the man is amazed. He leans over and says, "I've never seen anything like that before." The bum hands him a bottle and says, "Here, try this." The man drinks a big swallow and immediately sprays it all over the place. "What the fuck is that?" he splutters. "It tastes like piss!" The bum hiccups and say, "Yes, It's my piss. Now, how old am I?"

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I don't understand why people buy cheap boomerangs

They only throw them away.

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Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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Where do shrimp go to buy cheap things ?

A prawn shop.

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So I hear

Tickets to Guam are cheap this time of year....

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A ripoff

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So I finally got in touch with my inner self today...

Never buying cheap toilet paper, again .

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When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called?

Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.

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A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want for it?"

"That's right, $50 and it's yours!"

"Excuse me for being nosy, ma'am, but why are you selling it so cheap? Is it stolen or something?"

"No, it's my husbands car. He ran off with his young secretary last month, and two days ago I got a telegram from him saying to sell the Corvette and send him the money!"

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What does a tight pair of pants and a cheap motel have in common?

No ballroom.

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I was feeling pretty horny so I called up a cheap prostitute.

She told me her price was a dollar per inch.

I asked, "Do you accept quarters?"

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I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

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The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub...

Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub.
The he says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer?"
The bartender says "Certainly, that'll be €0.50"
He responds with "50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"
But then the bartender tells him "And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if you want to sit down, €7 if you stand up, €15 to use the loo... "ο»Ώ

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Bought my wife a cheap waxing.

She said it was a rip-off.

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Cheap British hookers are the best

...pound for pound

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What's the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls,

They're under a buck!

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They named a paint color after my ex...

It's called *Whore Red*. It's not very bright, but its cheap and spreads easily.

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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Cheap, imported, and slightly bitter.

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My boss asked me to pick him something cheap up to eat for lunch

he wasn't too happy when I came back with his daughter.

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Dead canary for sale.

Not going cheap.

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I went to the store with my wife!

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.

She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."

She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."

So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.

I asked, "How can we afford this?"

She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."

I said so will a case of beer at half the price.

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What do you call a street full of cheap hookers and a McDonald's?

Quarter Pound Town.

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What is the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer testicles- they're under a buck!

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3 parrots for sale

3 Parrots for sale, Β£100, Β£200 and Β£15 a women asks ''why is one parrot so cheap? The shopkeeper replys ''cos it used to live in a brothel'' the women thinks its funny , so buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says ' flipin heck a new brothel'' the women laughs. Her two daughters come home the parrot says 'flipin heck new prozzies'' the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says bloody hell OP, I ain't seen you for weeks!!

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I got a cheap circumcision when I was young.

It was a rip off.

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What do cheap hotels and skinny jeans have in common?

No Ball-room!

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A broke, lonely man.

A man who hadn't been with a woman in years was feeling lonely one night. He finally decided he wanted to hire an escort to fix this problem, but, he was nearly broke.

After sifting through the phone-book he finds an ad for an extremely cheap escort, only $5. He calls her up and hires her. A few hours later she appears at his house and they spend the night together in his bed.

The next day after she had left he noticed that he was really itchy. After checking the boys he realized he had crabs! Enraged, he called the escort again and demanded a refund, to which she replied, "Well what did you expect for $5, lobsters?"

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What do a cheap robot and a high class prostitute have in common

They both stop working for you after you pee on them.

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What do they call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

It's not very bright, but it's cheap and spreads very easily

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Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train..

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these are as cheap as dirt." Then Vladimir Putin pulls a bottle of expensive Russian vodka out of his pocket and, after a few sips, throws the bottle out the window. Fidel Castro and the Oort Cloud are both surprised and ask "what are you doing, Vladimir, that is expensive vodka!" To which Putin responds "Pah! In your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in Russia this vodka is as plentiful as rainwater. The Oort Cloud considers this for a minute or two, and then throws a six-mile-wide comet out of the window which, on impact, incinerates everything within a thirty-mile radius, causes massive earthquakes and tsunamis for thousands of miles in each direction, and kicks up a cloud of dust and ash that eventually encircles the Earth wiping out nearly all forms of life in a matter of months.

...

I don't care if it's old. This is probably the best joke ever.

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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit...

He said "Like a cheap castle."

Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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What are the cheapest kind of balls?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

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what do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

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nsfw-- what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

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Three parrots are in a pet shop for sale

Priced at Β£170, Β£150 and Β£10.

A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck me, a new brothel!". The woman laughs.

A few hours later, her two daughters come home and the parrot pipes up once more "Fuck me, new girls!". The woman and her daughters both laugh.

Later that evening, the woman's husband comes in from work and once more the parrot ejaculates, this time saying "Fuck me Keith, long time no see!"

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Why is French body armour so cheap?

They only need it for their back

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What are the best Cheap puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cheap? Well, here are the best jokes about Cheap to have fun with.

Joko Jokes