Chauffeur Jokes
60 chauffeur jokes and hilarious chauffeur puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about chauffeur that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Chauffeur Short Jokes
Short chauffeur jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The chauffeur humour may include short taxi driver jokes also.
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
- My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
- A company just rented me a limo for $300, but I just found out that it doesn't come with a driver. So I have a limo but nothing to chauffeur it.
I'll show myself out.., - I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers. But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.
- fire the chauffeur! Wife: "I'm gonna fire our chauffeur!!! He's such a pathetic driver, this is the third time he almost got me killed...."
Husband: "Dear, lets give him another chance." - Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
- Prince Philip had a car accident and his Range Rover was written off. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it
- I've been a limousine driver for 25 years All that time and I've got nothing to chauffeur it
- Trump fires his chauffeur "You're fired! This is the second time this week you've almost killed me!"
"Please, Mr. Trump, give me one more chance" - My friend was a limo driver and he couldn't find any people to pick up... All this time and nothing to chauffeur it.
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Chauffeur One Liners
Which chauffeur one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with chauffeur? I can suggest the ones about cab driver and bus driver.
- I hired a Russian chauffeur the other day... his name was Pikup Andropov
- I had to fire my driver today So now I have all this money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
- The limo driver opened an animal hide gallery. The chauffeur show furs
- I used to be a personal driver in France But now I have nothing to chauffeur it...
- I really want to drive private or hired cars. But I don't have anything to chauffeur it.
- Why do golfers have the best chauffeurs? Because they're good at picking their drivers.
- You know how they say that people can drive you crazy? My wife is my chauffeur.
- Why was the cab driver contemplating his life? Because he had nothing to chauffeur.
- What do you call a hard working man from whose chauffeur is from seoul? Korea driven.
- The taxi driver worked dilligently for 45 years but he had nothing to chauffeur it.
- What do you call a limo driver who gets his car stolen? Nothing to chauffeur.
- What drives the rich & powerful to r**...? their chauffeurs
- What do you call a chauffeur who has s**... with his clients? A screwdriver.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Chauffeur Jokes
What funny jokes about chauffeur you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean limo driver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make chauffeur pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a welfare office...
to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her s**... urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.
The welfare clerk behind the counter said, Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her s**... urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!
The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a...
A guy walks into a local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her s**... urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom's birthday gifts
3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.
The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."
Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a p**... apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in."
Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!"
3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read:
"To my 3 dear boys:
Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new p**... is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."
The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...
When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First day as SOLDIER!
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear.
>**"No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield"**
A big army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur says, "General William."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. *Do i shoot you or the driver?*"
So Einstein was tired of giving the same lectures over and over...
One day, his chauffeur gave him an offer, "Dr. Einstein, I have driven you and listened to your lectures so many times I memorized each and every single word. Since you're so tired of giving lectures, why don't we switch places? I'll give the lectures, and you can be my chauffeur."
Einstein thought why not?
Everything was going well until during one lecture, a mathematician asked 'Einstein' a rather difficult question. With some quick thinking, 'Einstein' said..
"That question is so elementary, even my chauffeur can answer it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL
and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy
her s**... urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
s**... drive."
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
My friend got a nice new ride, but no one wants to drive him around in it
Now he's got all that car and nothing to chauffeur it.
For Valentines Day my friend got a set of bracelets, a chauffeured ride around town, free meal and place to spend the night and still complained.
probably because he was arrested.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.
Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:
The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...
So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:
Jesus! What did you tell them?
What you told me to;
"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"
What did the Queen buy Camilla for her wedding anniversary?
A weekend in Paris and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes
A large car with chauffeur
A boyfriend is watching TV when his girlfriend walks into the room
Gf: "I want to go to the mall to go shopping, wanna bring me?"
Boyfriend sighs
Bf: "How would you like it if you went in a large car with a chauffeur?"
Gf: "That sounds great!"
Bf: "Well, the bus leaves in 5 minutes."
My new Rolls Royce
I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.
So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.
Microsoft's designated Chauffeur was killed
in a car accident. Unfortunately he was to blame for it...
Now, the company needs a driver update.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the actor that employed a dwarf to drive him around never get any role?
Because he had too little to chauffeur himself.
Why shouldn't you spend all of your money on an invisible limousine?
Because then you won't have anything to chauffeur it.
An aristocrat Bostonian lady hired a new chauffeur. As they started out on their first drive, she inquired:
"What is your name?"
"Thomas, ma'am," he answered.
"What is your last name," she said. "I never call chauffeurs by their first names."
"Darling, ma'am," he replied.
"Drive on - Thomas," she said.
(Rapp, Albert 1951. On the Origins of Wit and Humor. New York: Dutton. Pages 49-50)
A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband...
A wealthy woman comes back home to her husband, she is panting and shaking.
_Wife:_ We have to fire the chauffeur, it's the second time he's tried to kill me!
_Husband:_ Come on, honey. You gotta give him another chance!
New user: "How come my new printer doesn't work in Linux?" Linus: "You need the right driver."
"My chauffeur's outside."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly
I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to s**... on his chauffeur
Big dreams
Some people wanna have enough money to buy a bike. Others a car. Others would like to be rich enough to hire a chauffeur. However I dream bigger than that, I wanna be able to afford an ambulance ride in the United States
I once hired a limo
*I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off!*
*I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?"*
*The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver…*
*… so I'd spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!*
