He wanted to have a manta-man talk
(I'm so sorry)
Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.
I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."
Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
And I said "You know, I really love this place. I come here all the time."
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a stroke.
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!
He passes the night trying to chat up every girl he sees, but sadly to no avail, since everyone is wierded out by his newt.
Finally, he sees a beautiful girl and strikes up a conversation with her. After a few moments of talking, she questions him about the newt.
"What's his name?" The girl ask him.
"Tiny" the man responds.
"Oh whys he named that?" The girl questions.
"Because he's my newt"
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"
It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs
Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlHBa99B7CqR65oxZ9MzWtGAyMxr7o0iE7UcPqr6UrXvGG4ebEH2Zd8WPAY8CZGlH
It's just not their Kappa tea
A German, an Italian, and an American chat in a bar.
The German says: "my wife goes 0 to 100 in 7 seconds!"
"How so?" replies the Italian.
"I bought her a Porsche" replies the German.
"bah! my wife goes 0 to 100 in 5 seconds!!" the Italian states.
"really?? how?" asks the German.
"I bought her a Ferrari!!" smirks the Italian.
"my wife goes 0-100 in 2 seconds" replies the American.
"impossible!! how???" both say the German and Italian.
"I bought her a weigh scale!"
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"
"- Father, I'm 92 years old, am married to a 70 year old wife and have 3 children, 7 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I gave a ride to 2 young college girls; they were beautiful, nice, modern, you know? After a little chit chat we stop by a motel. I had sex with each one of them 3 times."
The priest remains silent for a few moments, but seeing that the old guy doesn't have anything else to say, he asks:
"- Are you regretful of your sins?"
"- What sins?"
"- What kind of catholic are you?!"
"- Catholic? Me? I'm an atheist."
"- Then why come here and tell me that story?"
"- I'm telling everybody."
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
A single crow sits alone on one of the many benches in the park. Suddenly a second crow comes along and lands next to the one crow. The two crows exchange a mild conversation until they spot a third crow flying overhead. Suddenly they begin to yell at the other crow until it too lands on the bench, and once again they begin to talk for a while. The three crows would chat back and forth until another crow would fly by, where they would turn their focus on getting the other crows to land on the bench. Occasionally one would land only to fly away a couple minutes later. This would continue on and off for a few hours before multiple police suddenly arrive and arrest the crows for attempted murder.
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!
Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg?
A: "That one in the middle thinks he's hard."
It helps to pasta time.
They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.
She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they all say good-bye.
As Bill pulls the car onto the road, he turns to Hillary and says: "Now aren't you glad you married me and not him? You could've been the wife of a grease monkey!"
To which Hillary replied: "No Bill. If I would have married him you'd be pumping gas, and he would be the President."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees a beautiful redhead at the end of the bar and figures he'll chat her up.
They get to talking and enjoying each other's company and as the bar starts to close down he realizes he didn't get her name.
"So what's your name?" he asks.
"My name's Carmen, referring to my two favorite things: cars and men" she joked. "What's yours?"
The man smiled, "I'm also named after my favorite things: BJ Titsngolf."
Cletus and Wade watching the sunset on their tractor have a chat.
Cletus: Wade, I keep hearing on the radio, TV, read in the papers about the stock market but I still have no idea it is. Do you know?
Wade: How should I explain this to you... Let's say you buy some eggs for your farm, these eggs hatch and now you have chicks, these chicks grow up to be hens which lay more eggs out of which you get more chicks that grow up to be hens and so on and so forth and your farm is full of them. One day a big black flood ravages your land and takes all of them downstream.
Then you sit and think to yourself: *ducks... I should have gotten ducks.* That's what the stock market is like.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.
One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.
The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?
He thinks about it for a moment before replying.
What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?
A rose?
Oh! Yes!
He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?
Apologies to my friends on my chat list...
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive woman the other night, so I asked her,
Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?
.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move.
"Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love."
"Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult."
"It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though."
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Were sitting in the waiting room at the OB-GYN. Each of them were pregnant and having a chat.
"I'm going to have a boy cause I was on top" the brunette said. "Ah well then I'm going to have a girl cause I was on bottom" the redhead replied. The blonde thought for a moment, then started to cry. The other two looked at her concerned and the brunette asked "What's wrong honey?" Then the blonde replied through her sobs "I'm going to have puppies!"
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some tips for being more sociable.
Is this your land? He asks the farmer. Yep, from that post down to the river. Responds the farmer. The prince smiles and says, on my land i can get in my car and drive the whole day and not see the other side! And the farmer says:
Yeah i had a car like that once.
In the middle of the night, a guy hailed a taxi.
After a few hours, the guy in the taxi wanted to chat with the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him lightly on his shoulder.
The driver suddenly yelled , panicked, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a fire hydrant and stopped inches from a parked car.
The startled passenger said I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to talk with you.
The taxi driver says It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver…
I have been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."
I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."
"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"
I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Or as he called it, "having a chat".
So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"
He seemed like a decent feller
They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. "I can fit a glass up in my (you know)" the other one replies. "thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)" thats when the third starts to giggle. "whats so funny?" the other two ask. "ohh nothing" she says as she slowly glide down on the barstool.
But some days I can't help but be Susan.
As they chat, they see two men go into the bathroom. After a few minutes the bathroom door opens and three men walk out.
The priest says excitedly: I swear that bathroom was empty. We have just witnessed a miracle!
The biologist answers: There must be a natural explanation. They have probably reproduced.
The mathematician moves around uncomfortably in his chair and says: Look, guys, I don't care. I really, really need to go the bathroom. I'm just waiting for a third person to go in there so that it will be empty again.
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Now that's service.
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness.
The American says, "I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."
The Frenchman scoffs, "That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and having lot of time to enjoy your life of leisure."
The Russian takes a long swig of vodka, blinks and says, "My friends, you really don't know. Real happiness is waking up to find the KGB knocks on your door at 2AM."
The American and the Frenchman are surprised. "What the heck do you mean? KGB at your door at 2 in the morning?"
"Yes," says the Russian, "you open the door and the KGB says 'Vassili Alexandryev, you need to come with us right now.' and you say, ['sorry gentlemen, Vassili Alexandryev lives in the next-door flat.'](/spoiler) That is when you have true happiness."
He asked me "ASL?".
He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."
5 stars.
She is uninterested and in an attempt to get rid of him she says,
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
The man replies,
"If that were the case, who would be there to stop me?"
Two german friends chat and soon they come to the topic of the Holocaust. One of them then looks very sad and asks his friend: "Could we change the topic, please? I've never told you, but my grandpa died in Ausschwitz."
The other responds: "Sure, man, no problem. But may I ask you, how did your grandfather die?"
"Well, one day he got really drunk, fell from a watchtower and broke his neck..."
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googledeach other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
I tried to be nice so I said, "Perhaps just as a broad broad abroad."
She said, "So what do you work as?"
"It's a very important job," I said. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."
"Wow, a football agent?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonald's."
Before I could, he told me of his own accord.
I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.
... and sees his friend Bjorn sitting alone at a table. He orders a vodka, and sits down opposite him. Bjorn looks up and nods. Sven nods back.
They sit like this, not speaking, for hours, waving to the barman when more vodka is required.
Eventually Sven says, "Snow again."
Bjorn replies, "Look, if you're going to chat all night, then I'm going to have to find another bar."
A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.
While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.
The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.
These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until one day the neighbor says:
Neighbor: hey I'm having a little party tonight if you want to stop by.
Sure, sounds fun. What time?
Oh around 9 or so. There will be lots of drinking, probably some fighting, and if we're lucky, maybe even some sex too!!
Wow sounds like a blast, who's going to be there?
Oh just me, you and maybe hank from down the road
It's that alot of you females look better as farm animals.
Snap chat
A mooing van
Sam, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He tells her, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, 'Okay Mother dear, guess which one I'm going to marry.'
She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'
'That's amazing, Ma. You're correct. How did you know?'
The mother replies, 'I don't like her.'
Nothing because they don't let us talk.
Kappatalism!
I ended up looking at a tall sheep like animal, turns out I called Dial-a-Llama
Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"
The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"
The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"
Little Johnny's father calls Johnny in for a chat, and tells him he is about to talk to him about the birds and the bees.
Johnny immediately burst into tears and starts bawling his eyes out.
"What is the matter?" asks the father
Somehow in between the tears johnny answers:
"When I turned 10 you called me in for a talk and told me that Easter bunny wasn't real.
Then when I turned 11, you called me in to tell me that Santa Claus isn't real.
And if you now tell me that sex is not real too, I have nothing left to live for!"
Lady looks out her window and sees a couple of Parks and Recreation guys setting up cones before they start work.
They finish and one guy digs a big hole by the sidewalk.
He finishes, they chat and drink coffee, then he walks about 10 yards away and starts a second hole, meanwhile, the second guy begins filling in the first hole.
They finish, chat and drink coffee, then first guy digs third hole and second guy fills second hole.
She waits until they pause again and walks out to see what's going on.
"What are you guys doing?
"Well, lady, were supposed to be planting trees, but there isn't any budget to buy them, so the Union told us to get to work. So here we are."
At a local cafe, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night! An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
Clitter
My mum was confused as to why I was talking to the microwave.
A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."
"Not yet."
He asked how many children she had.
Six, she answered.
Here is a sixpence for them, he responded, handing her a coin.
No, sir, she said proudly, I will not sell my children.
Nothing, he isn't even in voice chat
"What do you do for a living?"' I asked her.
"Real estate, you know, selling houses, apartments etc, What do you have?" she replied.
"At the moment', I replied, "I just happen to have a semi".
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Chat? Well, here are the best Chat puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Chat pick up lines to share with friends.