The Best 83 Chat Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Chat jokes. There are some chat msn jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these chat chat room puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Chat Jokes and Puns
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...
Were sitting in the waiting room at the OB-GYN. Each of them were pregnant and having a chat.
"I'm going to have a boy cause I was on top" the brunette said. "Ah well then I'm going to have a girl cause I was on bottom" the redhead replied. The blonde thought for a moment, then started to cry. The other two looked at her concerned and the brunette asked "What's wrong honey?" Then the blonde replied through her sobs "I'm going to have puppies!"
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is...
You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping?
Apologies to my friends on my chat list...
I was chatting with a deaf person on omegle.
He asked me "ASL?".
So I'm chatting to this 14 year old on the Internet..
She is funny, flirty, sexy and intelligent and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop, how cool is that at her age!
I got chatting to a bird down the pub last night.
She said, "So what do you work as?"
"It's a very important job," I said. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."
"Wow, a football agent?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonald's."
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
So I was chatting it up with the receptionist at the sperm bank
And I said "You know, I really love this place. I come here all the time."
"Could we change the topic, please?"
Two german friends chat and soon they come to the topic of the Holocaust. One of them then looks very sad and asks his friend: "Could we change the topic, please? I've never told you, but my grandpa died in Ausschwitz."
The other responds: "Sure, man, no problem. But may I ask you, how did your grandfather die?"
"Well, one day he got really drunk, fell from a watchtower and broke his neck..."
The Argument
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
I was chatting to this extraordinarily attractive girl the other day...
"What do you do for a living?"' I asked her.
"Real estate, you know, selling houses, apartments etc, What do you have?" she replied.
"At the moment', I replied, "I just happen to have a semi".
You can explore chat meet reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chat chatter dad jokes. There are also chat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Three hookers were sitting on a bar.
They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. "I can fit a glass up in my (you know)" the other one replies. "thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)" thats when the third starts to giggle. "whats so funny?" the other two ask. "ohh nothing" she says as she slowly glide down on the barstool.
at least he tried.
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive woman the other night, so I asked her,
Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?
Sven walks into a bar...
... and sees his friend Bjorn sitting alone at a table. He orders a vodka, and sits down opposite him. Bjorn looks up and nods. Sven nods back.
They sit like this, not speaking, for hours, waving to the barman when more vodka is required.
Eventually Sven says, "Snow again."
Bjorn replies, "Look, if you're going to chat all night, then I'm going to have to find another bar."
Password reset
A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"
"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."
"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"
"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."
"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"
"No, you must get a new one."
"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."
"Sorry, you must get a new one."
"OK, roses."
"Sorry you must use more letters."
"OK, pretty roses"
"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."
"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
"OK, 1prettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use additional characters."
"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."
"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"
A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...
The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.
An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.
A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."
"Not yet."
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
Did you hear about the new protagonist in Mass effect 4?
It's Commander Lamb.
(From a friend of mine... Told it to me while we were in a party chat)
How does Twitch (Streaming Site) Chat make money?
Kappatalism!
Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick
Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.
Potassium would be the worst element to chat with
He (or she) would always reply with "K".
Why do some people dislike twitch chat?
It's just not their Kappa tea
Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.
Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
First Rule of Thesaurus Club:
You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust...
I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.
I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online
She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!
German women love me...
I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.
I was chatting up this woman.
I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."
"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"
I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."
I got chatting with a girl in a bar....
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"
What did the Hanzo main say to his salty team?
Nothing, he isn't even in voice chat
I was playing charades with a deaf guy
Or as he called it, "having a chat".
A man begins to chat up a girl at a bar.
She is uninterested and in an attempt to get rid of him she says,
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
The man replies,
"If that were the case, who would be there to stop me?"
So she texts: Do you want to see something exiting?
Me: Yes, of course!
Anddd she left the chat.
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench...
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a stroke.
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Leg Chat: What did the left leg say to the right leg?
Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg?
A: "That one in the middle thinks he's hard."
Cafe Chit Chat
At a local cafe, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night! An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar...
.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move.
"Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love."
"Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult."
"It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though."
I had a chat with Barack Obama today...
My mum was confused as to why I was talking to the microwave.
Happy Paddy's Day lads and lasses
Irish chat up line:
Have ya got any Irish in ya?
I don't.
Well would ya like some?
Alabama college kid visiting Boston
So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"
I asked my friend what type of internet he had in a Discord chat,
He said, "Com..." I asked, "What did you say?" It turns out his internet went out while he was answering my question.
So theres a rich arabian prince driving through a foreign country and he's passing through some farmland and sees a farmer leaning on a post so he decides to stop and have a chat.
Is this your land? He asks the farmer. Yep, from that post down to the river. Responds the farmer. The prince smiles and says, on my land i can get in my car and drive the whole day and not see the other side! And the farmer says:
Yeah i had a car like that once.
A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London
He asked how many children she had.
Six, she answered.
Here is a sixpence for them, he responded, handing her a coin.
No, sir, she said proudly, I will not sell my children.
I had a really chatty Uber driver today...
He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."
5 stars.
During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."
I wanted to video chat with the spiritual leader of tibet
I ended up looking at a tall sheep like animal, turns out I called Dial-a-Llama
Did you hear about the kinky whelk?
It pulled a mussel.
This doesn't work in American English.
In British slang, if you chat someone up and they like you, you have *pulled*.
Sorry I failed!
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
What do you call to fat people having a chat?
A heavy discussion.
I got chatting to this lumberjack the other day
He seemed like a decent feller
At the disco:
A man walks up to a woman and asks: "Would you like to dance?"
Woman: "Yes, i would like that very much."
Man: "Ok, go dancing then. Meanwhile i will chat with your friend."
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
A man walks into a bar, with a newt on his shoulder.
He passes the night trying to chat up every girl he sees, but sadly to no avail, since everyone is wierded out by his newt.
Finally, he sees a beautiful girl and strikes up a conversation with her. After a few moments of talking, she questions him about the newt.
"What's his name?" The girl ask him.
"Tiny" the man responds.
"Oh whys he named that?" The girl questions.
"Because he's my newt"
I was chatting with my coworker about cars last week and I was gonna ask him what kind of car he had...
Before I could, he told me of his own accord.
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
Had a tricky and emotional chat with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of "Boo hoo, nobody picks me for teams" and "I haven't got any friends".
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some tips for being more sociable.
Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?
He wanted to have a manta-man talk
(I'm so sorry)
I like to chat with others while eating Italian food.
It helps to pasta time.
I decided to have a chat with my son the other day about gender reassignment, and I really wanted to be frank with him.
But some days I can't help but be Susan.
What's the most effective chat up line in the world?
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
A Royal Dentist Joke
Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"
The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"
The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"
I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.
Now that's service.
A new lesbian chat site
Clitter
I was chatting with a fat girl visiting from London. She said, "How would you Americans describe me?"
I tried to be nice so I said, "Perhaps just as a broad broad abroad."
Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?
A mooing van
You know what they say about chatty women?
Nothing because they don't let us talk.
What did the home-quarantined stand-up comedian say after he got a laugh from his video chat audience?
"Thanks, I'll be here all week!"
During a zoom band class the teacher asked a student to name different notes. As he was reading them he stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot what note this is"
A bandmate put an F in the chat.
Aliens come to earth...
They meet with all the world leaders. Eventually it's the Pope's turn to chat to them. He asks the one alien, Greetings alien, what do you think of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?
The alien exclaims, Ah, JC! He's my boy! We have a massive party when he visits us once a year!
He visits you once a year? The Pope asks in astonishment. He hasn't been to earth in more than two millennia! How did you manage that?!
Well, when he first came to our planet we gave him a box of our finest chocolates. What did you guys do?
Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?
I'm asking for a friend.
A definite integral and an indefinite integral walk into a bar.
The indefinite integral takes a seat next to the definite integral, and as they chat, they find they have a lot in common!
As the night goes on the indefinite integral offers to buy the two another round, but the definite integral politely declines:
.
No thank you, I know my limits!
2 hunters chat about their hunting stories
2 hunters talk about what has happened to them and the first one says... "Once, when I was in Africa and I was hunting I feel something is behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...so I start running in order to escape but it was getting closer and closer but when it just about to get me … the lion just slipped and fell on the ground so I escaped." the second hunter then ask him in awe "and how the hell you didn't shit yourself mate? so he replies "what you think the lion slipped on ?"
I was chatting to my mate from Liverpool.
Me: So what have you got your kids for Christmas?
Him: I got the youngest a trampoline and the
other 2 a bike each I found on the internet.
Me: What website were they on?
Him: Google Earth Street View.
An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....
"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"
Two white mice chat...
The first one asks: "Did you get the Covid-19 vaccine?"
The second replies: "Hey, I am not crazy they didn't yet finish the tests on humans!"
Vote me down to oblivion but still the answer is 42!
My kid got sent home from school one day.
They said he was catching bees and throwing them at other kids. So I sat him down and had a chat. I said, "Son, you can't be doing that, obviously it's not ok to throw bees at people, they could get stung and what happens if someone has an allergic reaction? How would you feel if that happened?" And he replied, " Well I know it doesn't sound safe, but my principal said I could do it and the teachers said I could do it. Infact both of you even said I could do it! You all said I can bee who I want to bee!
"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...
Or something shorter, like "co-vid".
Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines
'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me in to bed.
The Italian Mother
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."
This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.
Just because the stall door is open doesn't mean I'm here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.
A woman comes home to her husband, upset and bawling her eyes out...
Her husband, who's having a chat with one of his mates over a coffee, takes his shirt and vest off, gives the woman a box with some colouring stuff in, and she calms down and begins to draw Noddy in wax on her husband's right scapula.
The husband's mate looks bemused and asks the guy what she's up to.
"Don't worry, " he replies. "She just needed a shoulder to crayon."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the chat converse jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working chat chat up lines piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.