Chasing Jokes

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.
At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "
His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

So a man walks past a Häagen-Dazs...

... when he notices the store owner hastily chasing some robins who were just relaxing under the sun.
The man inquired "Why did you chase them away? They were just trying to get some sun".
The store owner replied "True, but they're Baskin Robbins"

I once had a dream about cheese.

It was all gouda until a muenster appeared and started chasing me

Cops come to house to report my dogs.

The cops came to my house and said "We received a couple of calls saying that your dogs are chasing people on bikes."
I replied "Well that's a lie, my dogs don't have bikes."

eye roller of a dog joke

Mrs Young was walking to the grocery store when her neighbor came up to her and said "Hello Debra, How's your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike."
"Oh" said Mrs Young "That could NOT have been my dog"
"Oh, why not?" replied her neighbor "I'm pretty sure it was her"
"Well" stated Mrs. Young smiling "my dog doesn't ride a bike"

Translated from danish: 2 drunk sits in a bar.

One says: My dog keeps chasing people on a bicycle.....
The other guy things for a bit then replies: Then why don't you take the bicycle from it?.... (c:

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'
I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

The police knocked on my door the other night...

...and informed me that they were there to take my dog away. Apparently there had been complaints that he was chasing down and barking at my neighbors' son on his bike.
I happen to know, however, that my dog doesn't ride a bike.

Americans!

Chasing the American Dream doesn't count as exercise.

So summer is coming up and i think I'm in good enough shape to pull off a two piece.

The hardest part is just chasing her down.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank.

They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"

BLOND DOG

Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
A: He's been chasing parked cars.

I'm tired of chasing after the girls nowadays...

They're all so demanding now. 10 years ago candies worked just fine.

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?"
She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

My dog loves chasing cars

He was ecstatic when I told him I was taking him to see Snow Patrol in concert

I sent an Adele album to a guy who bought it on eBay, anyway his payment cancelled and I'm out of pocket ....

Should I just give up or should I keep on chasing payments

Everyone on the planet is chasing imaginary monsters with their phone

But when I do it I need to "grow up" and "quit looking for Bigfoot."

My Dream is to Become the World's Best Procrastinator...

But I'll start chasing my dreams another day, I don't feel like it now.

Did you know that NASCAR fans are the easiest people to make fun of?

As soon as they start chasing you down, all you have to do is turn right.

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

I got complaints about my dog chasing people on bikes

I didnt know my dog could ride a bike

See, the thing about chubby chasing is...

There isn't much chasing involved.

dog keeps chasing people...

I've really had it with my dog, says a guy to his neighbour. He'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
Hmmm, that is a problem, says the neighbour. What are you going to do about it?
Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!

My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90's...

Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.

Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle

Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again

Wife: Why is you back all scratched up?

*Flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone* Me: I'm having an affair.

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

I got a call from the pound

They wanted to tell me that they had picked up my dog because it was chasing a kid on a bike.
I said " That kid is a liar because not only does my dog not own a bike; he doesn't even know how to ride one yet!

A policeman is chasing three robbers - an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

The smell of rain

Every loves the smell of rain. So fresh, so clean. But in actuality you can't actually smell rain. What you smell is the world around you.
Way back in the day humans used to have to actually hunt their food. So if you were chasing down a deer and it started to rain you could easily lose the scent. So humans evolved to smell better in the rain.
And that is why your farts smell worse in the shower.

Why did the penguin cross the road?

Batman was chasing him.

The neighbors called the cops because our dogs were chasing kids on bikes.

Joke's on them, our dogs don't even own bikes.

How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

My girlfriend told me to stop laughing at my dog.

She said, "As I recall, you spent plenty of hours chasing tail too."

Why was the fetishist chasing the shoe model?

Because he was hot on her heels.

My Dog is always chasing people in cars

I'm not gonna stop him, but I'm just confused about how he learned to drive

The cops showed up saying my dogs were chasing kids on bikes again.

I guess I'm going to have to take their bicycles away.

Fly Swatter

A woman arrives in the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter and says "What are you doing?"
He replies: "I'm chasing the flies..."
She asks "Did you kill them?"
He says "As a matter of fact, yes, 3 males and 2 females
Intrigued, she asks him: "How do you make the difference between females and males?"
He answers: "3 were on the beer can, 2 on the phone."

It's a great feeling when you finally get a girl you've been chasing

for miles

A police officer is chasing a hacker

He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:
-Where is he,where is the hacker!?
-I don't know,he ransomware.

Cats and girls

A cat chasing lasers is like me chasing girls.
I never get em.

What is it called when an officer poops his pants while chasing a perp?

Active doody.

I keep chasing my dreams

Then I realise I'm on a treadmill

What do you call a person who's being chased by a car?

Tyred!
What do you call a person who's chasing a car?
Exhausted!

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

My Dog's Pretty Good In Making Ends Meet

By Chasing His Tail!
I'll show myself out....

When I was young, women were chasing me all around the block

But I got too old for stealing handbags.

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70

When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

A girl is talking to her dog.

The neighbours say you've been chasing people riding on a bike, she says.
Liars, the dog says. I don't have a bike.

An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women".

Doctor: "That's wonderful!"
Old man: "But I can't remember why?"

What is a dog's favourite song?

Chasing Cars.

Ukrainian soldier is chasing a platoon of Russian troops through some woods

After a while one Russians says: "Hang on! There's 20 of us and only one of him. Why are we running from him?" And platoon leader silences him "Keep quiet! We don't know which one of us he's chasing."

A dog walks into a bar

A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new" the bartender asks. "My owners got mad at me because I kept chasing people on a bike. So they took my bike away. So then I had nothing to do but stand around in the yard and bark. So they gave me my bike back," the dog says. "Apparently my bark is worse than my bike."

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

Inuit and American tourist walks near far-north village.

Suddenly the polar bear starts chasing them. American starts crying, Inuit starts to warm up and takes running position.
American - What are you doing? Don't you know, that polar bear runs faster than any human? We can not outrun polar bear!
Inuit - I don't need to outrun the polar bear, I need to outrun you

A cop knocked on my door

A cop knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even own bikes…

i have been chasing a criminal who murders at railway stations

i think i am on the right track