Chased Jokes

I went to church for the first time. They passed me a plate of cash so I took it and they chased me out of there!

I thought they were offering.

So the lone ranger and Tonto are being chased by the bad guys...

To see if they're being closed in on Tonto puts his ear to the ground to listen for the sound of horse hooves.
"Kimosabe, no soldiers chasing us, buffalo come."
"How do you know that?"
"Ear sticky."

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

Chased by i**..., the lone ranger and Tonto are galloping along when suddenly, Tonto stops, jumps down off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and listens. After a bit, he sits up and says 'BUFFALO COME!'
'how can you tell?' replies the lone ranger.
Tonto says 'Ear Sticky!'

Why was Kermit chased by n**... as a kid?

He was a Tad-Pole

l**..., chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra

He was eventually found in the horns section.

A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."

3 bags.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all being chased by soldiers, they all run into a Barn and hide in big burlap sacks. The soldier walk in and hunt for them, they poke the first bag and the Scotsman says "Meow!" so they pass it off as a bag of kittens. They poke the second pack and the Englishman says "Woof!" so they pass it off as a bag of puppies. They poke the third bag and the Irishman says "Potatoes!"

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog had chased someone on a bike...

I said, "You must be joking, officer. My dog doesn't have a bike!"

What do authors do when they are being chased?

They make like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde!

An Iranian man comes home to his wife

He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"
The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the n**..., bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches up he asks,"Why did you run away from the river?" The boy replies,"My mom said that if I stare at n**... women I will turn into stone and I felt something getting hard!"

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."
*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

3 thieves are chased by police

Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God d**...," said Moses.
So God did.

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

I was at a barbecue party when a cow from a nearby farm charged me and chased me into a corner

It was at that moment I realized my life was at steak

What do you call a man chasing a car?

What do you call a man chasing a car?
-Exhausted
What do you call a man being chased by a car?
-Tired

I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses.

So I made a mad dash for it.

Two rabbits were chased by hounds

They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.
The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"
"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- w**... Guthrie

"All your dreams will come true", said my fortune cookie

And the next day I realized, I went to work n**... and couldn't run when I got chased by that monster

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

Two rabbits were being chased by a group of hunters

One turned to the other and asked "Do we make a run for it or stay here and outnumber them?"

What do GTA and the third r**... have in common?

If you have a star, you are getting chased.

What do jews and people of GTA have in common?

You get chased if you have a star

What does Indiana Jones drink to reinforce his courage?

A snakebite shot chased by a rolling rock.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wild dogs...

One says to the other "should we stop and outnumber them?"
...
 
"keep running you fool we're brothers!!"

What do driving and dating have in common?

Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.

They say that cows kill more people than airplane crashes...

It's true, my ex once chased me with a knife.

If you're chased by two poorly distinguished clauses

make a dash for it

I was once chased by a group of angry feminists

Luckily there was a flight of stairs so I was able to get out of their grasp

The police came to my door the other day telling me there had been a complaint made, that my dog chased a man on his bike

"sorry officer" I said "my dog doesn't have a bike"

If you are chased by a bunch of Taxidermists

Don't play dead

What do you call a white guy who is being chased by 11 black guys?

A quarterback

What do you call a software developer on a bike, being chased by a car?

A software developer life cycle

A drunken preacher streaked into his own church on Sunday morning.

They chased him around a while, and eventually caught him by the o**....

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

[Oldie] What do you do when your being chased by a bunch of clowns?

....Go for the Juggler

A man and his friend were being chased by a bunch of thugs

The man ran into a circular building so that he could distract them from his friend who was a slow runner, he was alone in the circular building and had to fight them alone.
5 minutes later he came out unscathed.
His friend asked, "How did you get out of there alive?"
"They couldn't corner me."

If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds.

Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?

Me and my friend went to spy on women

We saw a girl n**... and after a few seconds my friend randomely got up and ran away. I chased after him and once I caught up with him I asked him "Hey why are you running away?!" He said "my mom told me when I was a kid that if I ever spied on women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard"

The bike and the dog

Two cops just came to my house saying my dog chased someone on a bike. I said, "thats b**..., my dog doesn't own a bicycle!"

I Was Chased By a Serial Killer

He backed me into a corner. There's nothing you can do! You're about to die!
You sound just like my doctor!

If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Never play dead.

I was being chased by a criminal but thankfully I had some strawberry spread

I was able to jam the door shut

* Dog Entered the Chat *

*Cat Entered the Chat*
*Dog Chased the Chat*

[LPT] When you're being chased by the cops, make a clean getaway by

Driving through a car wash.

Three mice

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

A woman wakes up screaming from a nightmare.

Her husband wakes up and asks, "What happened honey?
The wife says, "Just had this awful dream where I was chased by cannibals and came upon an edge of a cliff. I had nothing to do but jump. Luckily I grabbed a little tree protruding from the cliff, and then I woke up"
The husband says. "See, nothing bad happened to you, so you can let go of the little tree."

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.
As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.
The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.
Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"
The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"
He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.
Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"
The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"
He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it
"Potato Potato"

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?

What do you call a person who's being chased by a car?

Tyred!
What do you call a person who's chasing a car?
Exhausted!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are being chased by a farmer...

and they hide in his barn inside three sacks.
The farmer pokes the sack with the brunette with his pitchfork, and she says "meow"
He moves on to the next sack with the redhead, and she says "woof".
He moves on to the last sack with the blonde, and she says "potatoes".

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."

A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.

Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."

It has been a bit of a strange day today...

First of all I found a hat full of money in the high street, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

A perfect robbery

Three men are being chased by the police after robbing a store
They find a barn and run into quick, where they find 3 barrels
They each jump into a barrel
The police come into the barn and tap on each barrel
On the first barrel the officer taps
He hears "woof woof"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a dog"
On the second barrel, the officer taps tree times
He hears "meow, meow"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a cat"
On the third barrel, the officer taps again
This time he hears "PO-TAY-TO"
The officer says "it's just an Irish parrot"

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.
"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."
That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.
This was the clam before the swarm.

I was chased out of a gender reveal party yesterday...

How was I supposed to know it was just about the baby?

A bear dad and a bear mum are getting worried as they found their cub doesn't like meat...

So, the dad showed him how to catch salmons from a river, roared, and bite them with his sharp teeth.

Showing no interest at all, the cub turned to his mum.

The mum then showed him how to chase a rabbit, grabbed the rabbit on its neck, and bite on it.

The cub seems excited this time, he chased a smaller rabbit, grabbed it on its neck, showed his teeth to it, and roared, "give me your carrot".

Dixie Kong ran up to Donkey Kong crying..

"What wrong?" asked Donkey Kong.
"Someone told me I could get bananas from a hornet's nest so I hit it and the hornets came out and chased me!" Dixie sobs.
"Sounds like you did a Diddy." says Donkey.
"A Diddy? What's that mean?" asks Dixie.
DK explains, "I'm sayin, 'Do a Diddy'. Diddy dumb, Diddy do."

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

What steps would you take if a bull chased you?

Big ones!

Had the wierdest day first I found a hat full of change just sitting on the pavement...

...then I spent the rest of the morning being chased by an angry one-man-band.

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says
Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.

My brothers cat

I was looking after my brothers cat when he called me to see how she was.
Me: She's dead.
Brother: o**..., you don't break bad news like that!
Me: How, then?
Brother: You say that you're afraid you have bad news. Your cat escaped outside, and chased a possum up onto the roof. Unfortunately, the cat fell, and while you did everything you could, the cat couldn't be saved.
Me: I understand, my apologies.
Brother: Anyway, hows Mum doing?
Me: Well, she was up on the roof, chasing a possum...

Two friends go hunting....

While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.
The Survivor calls 911.
Survivor: My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!
911: Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?
***BANG***
Survivor: Okay, now what?