Charlie Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Charlie puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Charlie

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

Dramatic Arts

Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.

Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?

Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?

We're from the Red Cross.

I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.

My dad was babysitting my two children, so I called him later to ask how it was going.

Me: "What did they have for dinner?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "What about Clark?"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "Ok ... So what time did they go to bed?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "7:30"

Me: "And Clark dad?"

Dad: "Also 7:30"

Me: "If the answers are the same, why are you telling me them separately?"

Dad: "Well, I was the one looking after Charlie".

Me: "oh, who was looking after Clark then?"

Dad: "Me".

Charlie couldn't believe he was being let into the chocolate factory...

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.

When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

"Hey five-penis Charlie, how do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove"

Church

Molly and Charlie were at Sunday school at their local church, and Molly, being tired, began to fall asleep. The Sunday school teacher then proceeded to ask:
''Who came down from heaven to save our souls?''
Charlie sticks a pin in Molly's arm as she wakes up with a start:
''Jesus christ!''
''Well done Molly, thats correct''
Molly then goes back to sleep. The teacher asks her another question:
''Who lives up in heaven and created the earth?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as she again wakes up:
''God almighty!''
''Correct again Molly''
Molly then goes to sleep for a third time, as the teacher asks her another question:
''What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd baby?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as Molly wakes up and shouts:
''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll snap it in two!''

A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had sex in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have Chinaman Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.

He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have Chinaman Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.

6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have Chinaman Charlie though".

Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and Chinaman Charlie, right?"

"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.

"Chinaman Charlie doesn't swing that way either".

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!

Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.

What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.

You **sick** bastards.

What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Chaplin?

One rocks the mic, while the other mocks the reich.

If I have HIV I hope I find out from a Doctor, like Charlie Sheen did

And not from the TV, like his ex girlfriends did.

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't remember if she had sex with Charlie Sheen?

At first she wasn't sure, but now she's positive.

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

enough to kill 2 1/2 men.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo

Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo

Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar

Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform

November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo

Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my uncle Charlie

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus

Why didn't Vietnam return to feudalism following 1975?

'Cause Charlie don't serf.

Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas?

Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.

What's the term for that light shimmer that you get when you finish on someone's face?

The Charlie Sheen

People keep asking me if I'm an alpha male or a beta male...

My name is Charlie ffs.

Charlie Sheen and Mike Tyson are in a car. Who's driving?

The cop.

What do you call it when Charlie Sheen's brother has sex with him?

Emilio Incestevez

What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen?

Charlie Sheen's winning.

Tried to buy a Charlie Brown LP on ebay and got a Davy Jones album instead.

You know what they say.

You pay Peanuts, you get Monkees.

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Because children should be sheen and not heard.

I can't read Charlie Brown comics anymore...

Turns out I'm allergic to peanuts.

Charlie Sheen Says He Has HIV...

Finally a positive in his life.

Charlie Kirk, Ayn Rand and Gary Johnson walk into a bar.

They all die of lead poisoning because there's no goverment to regulate how much lead the barman is allowed to put into his drinks.

If you brag about listening to Charlie Puth,

You just want attention.

A twist on a classic

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

As bad as 2016 seems to be, it could be worse...

You could have got a phone call from Charlie Sheen.

The news about Charlie Sheen having HIV is the only positive thing I have been reading in my Facebook timeline all week.

No pun intended.

What did Gene Wilder name his drug smuggling operation?

Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory

What do you call a funny picture of Charlie Chaplin?

A panto-meme

What does Hitler say when he gets a charlie horse?

*Mein Krampf!*

With all the negativity world-wide lately, it's nice to see Charlie Sheen has announced something positive

New Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan TV show.

Two and a half kilos.

Charlie Brown, now a young adult, sits with an academic advisor before enrolling in college....

He tells her he wants to be a counselor, but isn't sure what direction to go.

She looks over his scores as says, "I think you'd make a good grief counselor."

Three guys - Steve, Bill and Charlie were working on a high rise building.

Steve falls off the rise and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says "Ok, I'm pretty good at handing such sensitive stuff; I'll do it."

2 hours later he comes back carrying a six pack of beer.
Charlie asks "Where did you get that Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady that her husband is dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Steve's widow.

She said, "I'm not a widow.
and I said, "wanna bet me a six pack?

John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago.

Harry: What happened then?

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

I met this girl in a bar last night

She was very open and flirtatious. She says "hi my names Carmen, I like cars and I like men"

So I said "nice to meet you Carmen, my name is Charlie Beercunt"

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was cancer on your letter to Santa?

Why Can't Charlie Sheen Finish the Alphabet?

Because when he gets to 'P' it burns.

What did the five fingers say to the face?

SLAP

RIP Charlie Murphy

What does Charlie Sheen say when he's having sex with a Vietnamese Lady?

Nguyenning!

Two Ninjas

What do you call two ninjas named Charlie, stranded outside on a cold night?

Numchucks.

A child is visiting his grandparents.

While there, he says to Grandpa:

*- Grandpa, tell me a story about Vietnam!*

The old man says:

*- May 1969, near Khe Sanh. I was in a chopper with four other Marines and the pilot, and some gook shot the pilot. We survived, but the Charlie were waiting there. And then there we were, five guys on some fifty Vietcong...*

The child interrupts:

*- But the last time you told me that story, there were only 20 Vietcong!*

Grandpa says:

*- You were too young to know the horrid truth!*

Albert Einstein and Charlie Chaplin meet...

ALBERT EINSTEIN:- What I admire most about your art, is its universality. You do not say a word, and yet ... ...Β CHARLIE CHAPLIN:- It's true, but your fame is even greater! The world admires you, when nobody understands you!

Guys, I know Charlie Sheen isn't winning right now.

But at least he's positive.

An oldie my Dad constantly tells me

Two men walk into the the theatre to watch a charlie chaplin film. Guy 1 makes a bet: "I bet Chaplin gets bopped the moment he walks around the corner" and guy 2 accepts.

They watch the film and as predicted, Chaplin get hit on the head so guy 2 has to pay up.

The first guy returns the money saying: "It wasn't a fair bet, I had already watched it ahead of time" but guy 2 tells him to keep it: "I did too, but I didn't expect him to fall for the same trick twice".

Bazinga

How did Charlie Brown adaptively respond to snoopy's evemtual death?

Good grief.

Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse, and Keith Richards walk into a bar.

The bartender, local drug dealer, and in house pimp all get measured for a new suit

in these hard times, it's crucial to stay as positive as Charlie Sheen

Charlie Brown decided to wear transparent pants one day...

...and when Lucy saw him she said "I always thought you were a blockhead, Charlie Brown, but now I can plainly see your nuts."

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife, Mary, if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet." The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00." Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet; certainly out of my price range." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom, the manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I guess it just goes to show, great mimes think alike.

That's my Charlie!

Three women are sitting around talking about their husbands sex life when one posed the question, "If you could name your husbands junk after any soft drink what would it be?"

The first lady says, "Well I'd name my husbands Mountain Dew, because it's as big as a mountain and all he wants to do!"

The second lady quips, "I'd name my husbands 7-Up, because it's 7 inches and it's always up!"

The third lady responds, "Well I'd name my husbands Jack Daniel's!"

The other ladies laughed and said, "That's not a soft drink! It's a hard liquor".

The third ladies replies, "That's my Charlie!"

I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest,

the guy who won was some German chap,
the judges gave him perfect neins

Have you heard of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohans new sitcom?

It's called "two and a half grams"

Attention by Charlie Puth. A song about mario.

"Runnin round Runnin round Runnin round, throwing those turtles at my knee"

Now I know why Charlie Sheen was always Winning...

...he was just being positive.

How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

I dont know if anyone else remember this joke

- How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen consume?

- Enough to kill two and a half men.

Why do other actors hate working with Charlie Sheen?

Because he is bad with lines!

What did Charlie Brown say when he was in a work conflict?

Good grievance!

Tough choice in Florida governor's race...

Charlie Crist and Rick Scott are standing at opposite ends of a theater when both men spontaneously burst into flames and there's only one fire extinguisher in the entire building!

Where would you hide the fire extinguisher?

TIL that Charlie Sheen got HIV after doing Two and a Half Men.

Several years ago, Charlie Sheen said "I'm Winning"

...even now he's still remaining positive!

Charlie SHEENY legs

Amirite?

Please describe your poo As a movie title e.g. Armageddon, the rock, Charlie and the chocolate factory...

If the Charlie Rose scandal has taught us anything

it's that every rose really does have its thorn.

Does Charlie surf?

No, Charlie don't surf.

In the next few years we may get a sequel to "Charlie bit my finger"

"Charlie fingered my bits"

When I was 11 my Uncle Charlie used to rape me everyday.

He said "If you ever tell anybody, I'm going to kill your parents."

I told everybody and he never killed my parents. I thought we had a deal?

I'm trying to contact Charlie Sheen's brother...

Does anyone have his emailio addresstevez?

What did Charlie from Lost say to the clown from IT

It's not your boat

What do C programs and Charlie Sheen have in common?

They both have an std.

Too soon?

Charlie Sheen's new show: "2 and a half T-Cells"

Studies show that one in two and a half men are HIV Positive

You can thank Charlie Sheen for that

If I was Charlie Sheen I would call my son..

Sexma.

How did Charlie Sheen contract HIV?

He blew a Piston in his car.

Why did Charlie drop his ice cream?

He was hit by a bus.

What does Charlie Brown on Halloween and a U.S. Marine finding out where hes getting deployed in 2004 have in common?

They can both be heard dejectedly saying "I got a rock."

Where should ypu hide from someone named charles?

The water, charlie don't surf

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes