charlie Jokes

funny charlie pick up lines and hilarious charlie puns

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

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With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

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Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

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What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

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Dramatic Arts

Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

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A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.

Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?

Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?

We're from the Red Cross.

I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.

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Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen uses ?

Enough to kill two and half a man.

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My dad was babysitting my two children, so I called him later to ask how it was going.

Me: "What did they have for dinner?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "What about Clark?"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "Ok ... So what time did they go to bed?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "7:30"

Me: "And Clark dad?"

Dad: "Also 7:30"

Me: "If the answers are the same, why are you telling me them separately?"

Dad: "Well, I was the one looking after Charlie".

Me: "oh, who was looking after Clark then?"

Dad: "Me".

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Charlie couldn't believe he was being let into the chocolate factory...

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.

When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

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Dr. Feelgood

Doctor Feelgood is visiting the mental institution to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie. At that moment he is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air.

"Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you will be getting out?"
"No problem," replies Charlie, swinging away. "Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-one."

Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room. There he finds Chester swinging an imaginary baseball bat.
"Hello, Chester," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?"
"Oh, soon," replies Chester. "Just as soon as I hit this home-run."

Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and finds Donald rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper.
"Hello, Donald," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?"

"Out? Are you kidding?" says Donald excitedly. "I'm fucking nuts!"

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Autocorrect Disaster

A man decides to confess to his friend a secret he's been keeping for a long time over text.

I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WiFi' not 'wife'.

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Furiously she asks, "Bob what the hell are you doing!?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" 

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"Hey five-penis Charlie, how do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove"

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Charlie came to work with two black eyes today.

"What happened to you"

"She hit me like she was a man. Twice."

"Who?"

"I was in church yesterday, with my sister and her boys. The old widow Mrs. Marshal was in front us. She was sitting in a folding chair with a cushion. When she stood for a hymn my nephews started giggling and pointing at her wedgie. I don't know what I was thinking. My hand shot out and I pulled her skirt out of her ass."

"You *what* !"

"She spun around and decked me square in my left eye."

"You didn't hit her back did you?"

"Of course I didn't. I just sat there stunned. After she turned around I...I don't know what I was thinking.."

"You what?"

"I tucked it back in."


Edit grammar

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Church

Molly and Charlie were at Sunday school at their local church, and Molly, being tired, began to fall asleep. The Sunday school teacher then proceeded to ask:
''Who came down from heaven to save our souls?''
Charlie sticks a pin in Molly's arm as she wakes up with a start:
''Jesus christ!''
''Well done Molly, thats correct''
Molly then goes back to sleep. The teacher asks her another question:
''Who lives up in heaven and created the earth?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as she again wakes up:
''God almighty!''
''Correct again Molly''
Molly then goes to sleep for a third time, as the teacher asks her another question:
''What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd baby?''
Charlie again sticks the pin in her arm as Molly wakes up and shouts:
''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll snap it in two!''

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A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had sex in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have Chinaman Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.

He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have Chinaman Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.

6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have Chinaman Charlie though".

Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and Chinaman Charlie, right?"

"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.

"Chinaman Charlie doesn't swing that way either".

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I once met a guy named Charlie who pulled chicks left and right...

I asked him "how do you have so many girls?" and he mentioned that they always come back to him.

"My secret, is before having sex, I'll whip out my dick and bang it against the fridge. That way it gets numb and I last longer making my woman feel good."

So that night I went home to my wife to try this out. To surprise her, I took a day off and went to the kitchen. I whipped out my dick, banged it against the fridge when my wife called out to me:

"Is that you Charlie?"

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Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!

Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.

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Jill works at an insane asylum....

One day shes walking by Charlie's room and sees him steering an imaginary steering wheel. "What are you doing Charlie?" She asks.
"I'm driving to Chicago!" He replies.
"Oh ok then."

Next day she walks by again, and hes still "driving." She asks, "what are you doing Charlie?" He replies, "I just got to Chicago and I'm driving around!" She shakes her head, "ok then."

As she's walking off she peeks into the next door, where Allen sleeps, and sees him furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks "my goodness Allen, what are doing?!"

"I'm fucking Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.

You **sick** bastards.

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What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Chaplin?

One rocks the mic, while the other mocks the reich.

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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Swearing for the first time

A 5 yr old was in his room with his 3 yr old brother. He says "Charlie, I think we should start swearing.. If everyone else can do it, so can we". So they go downstairs to breakfast, where their mother is waiting for them. She asks what they would like for breakfast. The 5 yr old says "Coco pops, bitch". The mother screams at him and sends him up to his room, crying, without any breakfast. The mother turns to the younger child and asks "Well, what do you want?"

"I dunno, but it won't be fucking coco pops"

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If I have HIV I hope I find out from a Doctor, like Charlie Sheen did

And not from the TV, like his ex girlfriends did.

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Did you hear about the woman who couldn't remember if she had sex with Charlie Sheen?

At first she wasn't sure, but now she's positive.

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Known around town

There once was a tired old gent who stumbled into his local tavern. The man takes a seat at the bar with his shoulders hanging low and a frown on his face.

"Mick, what is wrong with ya?" asks the bartender.

"Ay, I don' know Charlie..." the man takes a sip from the beer that is set before him. "I'm well liked in town, aren't I?"

"Ay, that you are Mick."

"I built all the roads in this town, Charlie."

"We know Mick, and we thank you for it."

"I built all the bridges in town."

"We know Mick, and we thank you for it."

"I even built all the beautiful churches in our town!"

"They are beautiful Mick, and our town loves them all."

Mick takes another swig from his glass, "But you fuck one goat..."

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How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

enough to kill 2 1/2 men.

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Auto Correct

man received the following text from his neighbor:



I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.



The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.



A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WiFi' not 'wife'.

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How much blow can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill Two and a half Men

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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo

Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo

Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar

Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform

November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo

Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my uncle Charlie

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus

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What are the best Charlie puns ?

Did you ever wanted to be joking with someone about Charlie? Well, here are the best Charlie dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Charlie pick up lines to share with friends.

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