charges Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious charges stories

What are the best Charges puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Charges? Well here is a complete list of Charges dad jokes:

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

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Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated...

Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.

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Dirty Assassin

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock?

He was cleared of all charges.

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How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but she charges me extra for weird stuff

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Racism in the workplace

"Sorry, I'm sweating like a nigger on a rape charge."

"That's not a problem. Would you like me to ask you the question again?"

"Yes please."

"To the charges regarding racism in the workplace, do you plead guilty, or not guilty?"

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What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo?

The attorney charges more.

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Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Because the charges wooden stick.



My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah fuckit.

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I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch.

I can't afford her, but you probably could.

*(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*

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A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks

He charges the first boy and lets the other off.

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My library charges me a dollar for every book I check out.

It's a paper-view.

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What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

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Last night on live PD

My dad and I were watching two people in a car get an inspection from an officer who deduced that the female had stuck crack cocaine in her personal locker. The cop explains that if she doesn't come clean with it she'll face two charges. She bends over and starts digging in her rectum to try and retrieve the crack.
My dad says
'Man, that's what I call a low, low.'
I responded
' Yeah dad, rock bottom.'
Had him in tears.

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Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

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I found a prostitute that charges by the inch

She's a bit expensive for me but I thought you could do with a cheap night out.

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The judge in a stolen credit card case...

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

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Did you hear about the guy ducking charges of sheep rape?

He's on the lam.

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So an assassin named Arty went his high school reunion

... He saw his bet friend who he hasn't to talk to in years, and asks "I'm having trouble with my wife, do you think you can do the job for me, I'll pay you," Arty says, "I'll do it for free because you're my best friend," and the friend says, "I have to pay you, it wouldn't be right if I didn't." So Arty charges his friend $1 per person killed and goes to kill his friends wife. Arty saw her at the grocery store parking lot and he chokes her to death, there was a witness so he choked the witness and saw his name on the local newspaper: Arty Chokes 2 for $1.

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Why was the President broke after the assassination attempt?

Secret service charges.

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My Buddy is Running a Painting Company This Summer

So my buddy at school is running a painting company as a project for one of his business classes this semester. The point of the project is to gain experience as a business owner and not to turn a profit, so the company provides the paint and other supplies and charges a small fee for labor. Generally, the families are extremely appreciative and really nice to talk to. One day, I was helping him put the final coat on a house and I overheard his discussion with the homeowner as they were going over the bill.

"Wow, this is a great price!" Exclaims the homeowner.

"Yep! We're just happy to help out, the money isn't really important." Says my buddy.

With an inquisitive look, the homeowner scans the bill and asks, "it says here that I'm only being charged for labor, what about the paint?"

My buddy smiles, "it's on the house."

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I want to press charges on Santa

If he knows when I'm sleeping, and he knows when I'm awake, that has to be considered stocking.

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A man purchases some livestock....

but has no way to get it home. He walks to the only pay phone for miles which has a rate that charges the user $5 per word spoken and recieved. Not one to waste money, he places a call to his wife and says "Com-for-ta-ble"

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did you see that Hope Solo got her domestic violence charges dropped....

there was a huge gap in the evidence

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I stuck a knife in the dishwasher..

I got charges with attempted murder.

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What do you call a sperm whale with one million charges of kidnapping?

A bank robber.

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So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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A bear walks into a bar in Bainbridge...

... And says, "Hey bartender! Give me a beer."

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Bainbridge."

The bear says, "Look, you piece of shit. Give me a fucking beer!"

"No. I'm sorry. We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Bainbridge."

The bear growls, "Give me a beer right now, or I'm going to eat that lady at the end of the bar."

The bartender stands firm, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Bainbridge."

The bear then charges over, mauls, and eats the woman that was at the end of the bar. With blood on his chin, he asks, "Are you going to give me that beer now."

"No. We don't serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Bainbridge, specially bears that are on drugs."

"On drugs? What are you talking about?"

"You know that girl you just swallowed? That was a Barbiturate."

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Why does no-one use the rhinos ATM?

Because he charges!

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So there was a professional assassin who charged $1000 per bullet..

A guy comes up to him one day and asks "Are you the guy that charges 1 grand per bullet?".

"yup."

"What happens if you miss?"

He looks at the man, "I never miss".

"Fine, well I have 2 grand here, and I found out my wife has been having an affair with my best friend. They're at a motel right now".

"Let's go"

They drive to a building across from the motel and climb up to the roof. The assassin sets up his rifle and attaches a scope.

The assassin looks through his scope. He stares for several minutes, but doesn't take the shot.

The husband asks "well? What are you waiting for!?".

"Give me two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000".

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The rude parrot

A woman is walking past a pet shop when she sees a cute parrot outside in its cage. The parrot shouts to her

"Hey you. Aye, I'm talking to you. You are the ugliest, fattest, most hideous woman I have ever seen!

The women is affronted but continues on with her day.

The next day she walks past the pet shop and she sees the parrot again. The parrot shouts to her.

"Hey you. Aye, I'm talking to you. You are the ugliest, fattest, most hideous woman I have ever seen!

The woman is enraged this time and charges into the pet shop and shouts to the owner

"If that parrot ever says that rude statement to me or any other rude statement I will have this place shutdown! "

And she stomps out.

The next day as the women is walking by the pet shop she sees the parrot and smugly says

"What? Nothing to say today parrot?"

The parrot replies

"You know what"

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The fisherman's daughter

A fisherman's daughter takes her dad's boat out for a cruise. A coastguard catches up to her and tells her it's a non-fishing area. She replies, "but im not fishing". So the coastguard points out all the fishing equipments on the boat, "You have all the equipments for it" and proceeds to give her a fine. Then she says, "Fine, i'll sue you for sexual harassment!"
"but i didnt do anything!!"
"but you have the tool for it" she winks.
He then drops all the charges and leaves her alone.

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A man went to court for running over and killing an elderly woman(OC)

The judge began reading the charges, and the man burst out laughing. He was giggling uncontrollably. The judge was so angry, he had the bailiff take the man out immediately. When asked layer what made him so angry, the judge replied,

"It was the mans laughter."

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I took a girl out last night. We had a lovely romantic meal. We got on very well and we went back to my house and we made love. Afterwards, she asked me what I did for a living. I told her I was a well-paid footballer.

I'm now on rape charges.

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Elderly Couple Go to Heaven Together

They both arrive at the pearly gates together and meet Saint Peter, who says "Let me show you around" He pointed to a mansion and said "That will be your house, located next to the country club." The old man asks, "and how much will that cost?" St Peter replies, "oh there's no charges, it's free, you're in heaven". He adds, "the country club has no fees or costs either" The old man is really happy by now and asks about food. St Peter says, "Although you don't need to eat, we do have full buffets with the very best pork, beef and poultry" The old man asks, "Aren't those bad for our health?" St Peter assures him, "You're in heaven now, there is no need to worry about your health."
The old man turns to his wife and smacks her upside the head. She says, "What was THAT for?" He answers, "If it wasn't for you and your bran muffins, we could have been here 30 years ago!"

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So this young girl gets pulled over....

And the police officer asks the girl for her license, she says she doesn't have one, he asks why and she says because she has a bunch of DUI charges. Then he says can I see your ownership. She says I don't have one, he asks why not? She says because it's not her car, he says who's is it? She says the guy that's all cut up in the trunk. He stands back and calls for back up. A few minutes later another police officer comes up and says what seems to be the problem. She says nothing officer why? He says can I see your license and she says sure of course officer. He says can I see your ownership and she says of course, he says can I see in your trunk, so she pops the trunk and it's empty. So he says why did you tell the other officer you had no license, she says I never said that I bet he told you I was speeding too

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A police officer shoots and kills a black man

The grand jury dismisses all charges on grounds that it was dark all around making it difficult for the officer to see the black man who got shot by mistake and died.

The grand jury also adds a cautionary note requesting all officers to remove their sunglasses during armed confrontations...

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Coffee enemas

There's really no reason to consider them. They're completely ineffective, possibly hazardous to one's health, and they'll get you banned for life from your local Starbucks, which has thankfully declined to press charges.

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Frank faces theft charges

The judge asks Frank:
"Did you or did you not steal a 10 gallon barrel of whiskey 6 days ago?"
"Yes, I did, your honor!"
"Well, the police found the barrel in your basement. It was empty! Where's the whiskey?"
"I drank it, your honor!"
"You drank 10 gallons of whiskey in 6 days?!"
"No, your honor, I only drank half of it."
"What happened with the other half?"
"I sold it, your honor!"
"So, where's the money, Frank?"

"I drank it, your honor..."

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A sex offender pees in the park

One day, a sex offender decided to pee in a park,
No charges have been *laid*.

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A mute guy goes to a doctor and writes on his notepad "I'm a mute and I wish to speak." The doctor says he can help the guy out...

The doctor instructs the mute guy to drop his pants and stand facing the corner of the room. As the mute does so, he watches the doctor take a long pole out of the closet and attach a guisarme-like blade to the end.
The doctor charges at the guy and rams the pole straight up his ass. The mute cries out "AAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAaaaAAAA!!!!"
And the doctor says "Good. Come back tomorrow, we'll work on 'B.'"

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Have you heard of Bill Cosby's new T.V. show?

It's called, "Women say the Dardest things." He denies rape charges for thirty minutes.

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Three rubber ducks..

Three rubber ducks head down to the nearby pond after dinner. The sun sets and it becomes passed their curfew. Feeling rebellious, the three ducks decide to stay out. An hour passes and a police offer shows up. He charges the three ducks with trespassing; their court hearing is scheduled in two weeks.
At the hearing the judge questions the first duck,
"What were you doing so late at the pond?"
"I was just blowing bubbles," responds the first duck.
The judge thinks to himself it's a sarcastic response but disregards it. He moves on to the second duck, repeating the question.
The second duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles."
Alright, now the judge is ruffled. He gives the group another try and says to the third duck,
"Lemme guess, you were just blowing bubbles too, right?"
The third duck smiles and replies, "No, I am Bubbles."

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Fisherman's Daughter

a fisherman's daughter takes her dad's boat out for a cruise. a coastguard catches up to her and tells her it's a non-fishing area. she replies, "but im not fishing". so the coastguard points out all the fishing equipments on the boat, "you have all the equipments for it" and proceeds to give her a fine.
then she says, "fine, i'll sue u for sexual harassment!"
"but i didnt do anything!!" he argues.
"you have the tool for it" she winks.
he then drops all the charges and leaves her alone.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best charges jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 46 puns about charges. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty charges gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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