Charges Jokes

What are some Charges jokes?

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year

An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated...

Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.

I was sexually assaulted by tony the tiger today.

I'm pushing charges for rrrrrrape.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink...

The bartender looks at him and says" See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time".

"No way" the guy says.

"Oh yeah, and she only charges $20".

So he walks over and hands her a $20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light.

As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn't believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible.

Just after he finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

My girlfriend dressed up as a cop, and told me she would arrest me for being great in bed.

Unfortunately, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Why was He so excited?

Because they finally dropped his charges.

My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...

Now she charges me a group rate.

Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

What's the difference between a bull and a Samsung Note 7?

I'm not scared when the bull charges

A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"

The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

Did you hear what happened to Lithium?

He was arrested for battery charges. Some say he's bi-polar.

Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock?

He was cleared of all charges.

Since chipotle charges like a $1.30 for guacamole...

I wonder if In their bussiness meetings, if they refer to their guac profits as


A cop pulled me over and I flashed him my 9mm.

You could imagine he didn't take me very seriously after that and brought me up on public exposure charges. Guess he wasn't DTF.

How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but she charges me extra for weird stuff

What's the difference between a thug and a phone charger?

A phone charger charges batteries, but a thug has battery charges

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).

He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".

The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Tsar!"

I got arrested for robbing a prosthetic store.

I decided to fight the charges. The way I see it, they don't have a leg to stand on.

Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Because the charges wooden stick.

My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah fuckit.

What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo?

The attorney charges more.

My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil...

I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

Can I press indecent exposure charges against stars?

Because today the sun mooned me.

A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch.

I can't afford her, but you probably could.

*(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*

An edited version of a joke that's been already posted.

A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.

The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, why did you only arrest the proton?

To which one of the officers replied, well you see, the electron kept running around the proton like a madman, so we couldn't know its exact location. And no one can press charges on the neutron.

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years

to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.

"That must be expensive," Bob replied.

"He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.

"$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.

"I don't know. That's his problem."

Splitting Internet Charges

I asked my upstairs neighbor to split my internet charges with me, and we could share the bandwidth.

He accepted.

I asked my downstairs neighbor the same thing.

Now I have free Internet!

A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks

He charges the first boy and lets the other off.

Three rubber ducks..

Three rubber ducks head down to the nearby pond after dinner. The sun sets and it becomes passed their curfew. Feeling rebellious, the three ducks decide to stay out. An hour passes and a police offer shows up. He charges the three ducks with trespassing; their court hearing is scheduled in two weeks.
At the hearing the judge questions the first duck,
"What were you doing so late at the pond?"
"I was just blowing bubbles," responds the first duck.
The judge thinks to himself it's a sarcastic response but disregards it. He moves on to the second duck, repeating the question.
The second duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles."
Alright, now the judge is ruffled. He gives the group another try and says to the third duck,
"Lemme guess, you were just blowing bubbles too, right?"
The third duck smiles and replies, "No, I am Bubbles."

The US government has resorted to jailing political dissidents using fake accusations

Reports say they were arrested on Trump'ed up charges.

Did you hear about the first death caused by a self driving car?

The police never pressed charges though, because they couldn't determine it's automotive.

A Texas Biologist

A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

A farmer in rural Iowa knocks on his neighbor's door....

A boy of about 9 answered the door, and the farmer asked, "Are your parents home?"

"No," said the young man, "Mom and Dad went to town."

"Well, what about your brother Billy? Is he home?"

"No, Billy went with Mom and Dad into town."

The farmer scowled and said, "I need to talk to someone about Billy getting my daughter pregnant!"

The boy replied, "You'll have to talk to Dad about that. He charges $500 for the bull and $75 for the pig, but I don't know what he charges for Billy."

What's the nicest compliment a girl has given you?

Once a girl told me she wouldn't press charges if I stopped talking to her.

Two IT pros are being held on charges for murder

The local hospital's life support machine was acting up, so they turned it off and back on again.

I was feeling Cold last night

Apparently Cold has now joined the #metoo movement and I am now facing charges.

Why was I arrested for only 1 year with a $5,000 fine after killing an unarmed African-American man?

On charges of "impersonating a police officer".

My library charges me a dollar for every book I check out.

It's a paper-view.

I have a PS2 that charges itself

I'm not sure how it works, but my Sun takes care of it.

A man wants to join a Alaskan biker gang.

So a man wants to join an Alaskan biker gang and is told by the members he has to do 3 things to get in

1. Drink A fifth of jack

2. Wrestle a bear

3. Make love to an Eskimo women

The man slams the fifth and staggers to his bike and they drive off to the bear cave.

The man lets out a roar and charges into the bear cave. The bikers stand outside and can hear grunts and snarls coming from the cave.

20 or so minutes later the man then staggers out the cave, his clothes torn and covered in blood... He looks at the bikers and says

"Alright, where's this Eskimo women I have to wrestle?!"

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.

But when a woman talks dirty to a man it's Β£2.50/min (charges may vary).

All girls get really wet if they see me

And I only have 5 charges for public urination

R. Kelly has made a song denying any sexual misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

A local establishment wants to press charges on me for getting an erection on their property.

Luckily for me, they have no hard evidence.

"You are accused of polygamy"

"You are accused of polygamy"

"And who pressed charges?

"Your wife"

"Which one exactly?"

What does velcro yell as it charges into battle?


Today at the gym I found a hole in my trainer large enough to stuck my finger through.

She's pressing charges.

I found a prostitute that charges by the inch

She's a bit expensive for me but I thought you could do with a cheap night out.

Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

Have you heard about the hooker who charges only $1 an hour?

Her clients all say it is a great bang for your buck!

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