The Best 42 Chap Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Chap jokes. There are some chap blimey jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these chap scottish puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Chap Jokes and Puns
Vow of Silence
Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.
The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."
The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."
Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"
The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."
Lourdes
A wheel-chair bound chap decided to visit the healing waters of Lourdes. It was very crowded but he spotted a gap and went for it at such a pace that he ended up in the pool, wheel-chair and all. When they fished him out he was quite disappointed to find that he was still unable to walk, but found consolation in the fact that his wheel chair had a brand new set of tires.
Did you hear about the poor chap who got smashed in the head by a grammar textbook?
He remains in a comma.
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
A chap walked into a bar with a newt
On his shoulder and asks the barman for a pint of beer and saucer of milk for Tiny the barman fetches the drinks and puts them on the bar the man starts to drink the beer and the newt starts to lap the milk ,on seeing this the barman asks the man why do you call him Tiny.... the man replies Cosz he's my newt
A duck goes into a drug store
He says gimee some chap stick put it on my bill
If Chapelle used chapstick, he'd just be Elle.
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
How did "El Chapo" escape prison?
Joaquin.
Where do male army priests live?
On Chap Lane.
Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene?
Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D
I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.
You can explore chap fook reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chap kiddo dad jokes. There are also chap puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why is Chapstick so popular?
Cause it's the balm baby!
El Chapo is a very special guy…
He's juan of a kind
When I think about it, Gaston really was a peaceable chap...
It's a shame. He was a shoe in for the No-Belle prize.
A duck walks into a drug store.
He says "Give me some chap stick."
The cashier asks "Will that be cash or credit?"
The duck says "Just put it on my bill."
A good will gesture . . .
A friendly chap from a local charity asked for a donation towards restoring the community swimming pool today. . . I gave him a bottle of water.
Did you hear about what happened to the deaf chap in london?
Neither did he
Duck walks into a drugstore, asks for some Chap Stick.
Guy behind the counter says "That'll be fifty-nine cents"
Duck says "Put it on my bill.'
Next day, duck walks into a drugstore again. Asks for a package of condoms.
Guy behind the counter says "That's three bucks; you want I should put them on your bill?"
Duck says "Sorry, I'm not that kind of duck"
Where did Chappelle store all his Rick James outfits?
Unit E
El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.
I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
I see that El Chapo has been extradited to the U.S.
So we may not get a Mexican wall but I bet we get a tunnel!
I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest,
the guy who won was some German chap,
the judges gave him perfect neins
This chapstick...
Is the balm.
Someone replaced the police issued chap sticks with glue sticks.
Police remain tight lipped about the incident.
Chap sticks for police use stolen. Where found to be replaced by glue sticks.
Police remain tight lipped on the incident.
What do you call a British man who has lost his mule?
An assless chap.
I saw a chap dashing though town with what looked like a dolphin tucked under his arm.
I thought to myself, "now there's a guy with a porpoise".
A duck walks into a drug store
and asks for some chap stick.
The pharmacist asks if it will be cash or charge
The duck replies...
Just put it on my bill.
Why can't you get Chapstick through overnight delivery?
You can't put any balm on a plane.
You know what really chaps my hide?
Psoriasis.
You know what really chaps my hide?
Sunshine
Chaplain asked us if we know how to save our souls
"Walk on your heels"
An Englishman is stranded in his broken down boat,..
...but luckily another boat comes up to help. The rescue boat has a man and two women in it. "I say old chap, could I borrow one of your oars?"...."These are not me oars, these are me sisters!"
Walked into a dry cleaners the other day and I was amazed.
The chap behind the counter had fluorescent blue gel like hands. To my further amazement, he was using them as detergent on the clothes.
I said, excuse me sir, may I ask you to hold my bag whilst I take a photo of your appendages?! I feel like the internet would be amazed at this
He said I can't sorry, my hands are tide
I asked a young chap what his life goal was.
He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'
'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'
He said, 'Swear down.'
Duck walks into a drug store...
Duck asks, "please, can I have some chap stick?" Clerk asks, "will this be cash or charge?'.
Duck replies, "just put it on my bill".
Did you hear about the British chap who was just as adept with social niceties as with troubleshooting network systems and software?
He was an 'igh tea specialist.
Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix
There once was a girl named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
And cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."
I had a job interview yesterday...
The chap conducting the interview had a copy of my CV in front of him. He said to me
"It says here you're a man of mystery"
"That's correct" I replied
"Would you care to elaborate?"
"No"
There was a young lady named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally.
She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap
and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"
What do you call a chinese chap with one leg?
Limping
Thank you, goodnight.
A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing trip to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall... He asks the bartender, "What the fock is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fock me! How big are the cats here?"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the chap angus jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working chap laddie piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.