Changing Job Jokes
71 changing job jokes and hilarious changing job puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about changing job that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Changing Job Short Jokes
Short changing job jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The changing job humour may include short new job jokes also.
- How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb? \-
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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research. - When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. Things like, my job, my phone number and my address
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!
(MASH s1 ep7) - I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.
- I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening... One of the perks of being self-employed.
- I'm about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes. I have to take a course in anchor management.
- Did you know that a piranha can eat a child in 40 seconds? Anyway, changing the subject, I lost my job at the aquarium today
- When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I wasn't prepared for all the changes I'd have to make... ...like my name, phone number, job, city where I live...
- I'm thinking about changing my profession to mirror repair It's a job I can really see myself doing.
- how many cooks does it take to change a lightbulb? one, and nine to stand around and say how they did it at their old job....
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Changing Job One Liners
Which changing job one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with changing job? I can suggest the ones about leaving job and quitting job.
- I recently got fired from my job in the penny arcade I couldn't cope with change
- Cancer changes things. If you really love her.. You'll put up with dry-mouth blow jobs.
- How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb? None...that's a woman's job.
Changing Job Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about changing job you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new career jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make changing job pranks.
A blonde fell and hurt herself at work.
The doctor said she was and would be fine, but needed a little time to heal. The doctor suggested an easier job for a week or so. She brought the doctor's note to her boss and he suggested light duty for the week. The blonde began to cry. Her boss asked why she was crying. She said, "I don't know how to change lights!"
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
A priest offered a Nun a lift...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Two black men
are walking down a city street and come across a building reading "Only 98 cents to change your skin color," the men paused and looked at eachother. One Black man says "Wow, that would make life so much easier for us! I got 99 cents in my pocket." The other replies "Yes it would but I only got 97 cents. If you go in, try it out and it goes well can I borrow that leftover penny?"
"Of course, well here I go," the man walks into the building and minutes later comes out a brand new white man.
"Wow this is amazing, I don't believe what i'm seeing right now!" the black man continues "This worked out so well, can i borrow that penny from you?"
The new white man tells him, "Get a job, n**... nog."
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
Why did the atheist cross the road? He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: Praying. Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back. Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.
Anyone else have funny jokes about Atheist? Random Fact: An Atheist "Invented" the light bulb. Also I found this jokes online.
Obstetrician career change
An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final individual exam that will constitute the majority of their grade and determine their certification status.
The day of the exam arrives and the obstetrician walks into the examination room to find three instructors and a car waiting for him. His task is to disassemble the engine, then reassemble it in the given time limit. The obstetrician does his best, though fears that he may have made a few mistakes.
A few weeks later he gets his results back and discovers he was awarded 150 points out of 100 on the test! He immediately rushes to his professor's office and asks about his score. The professor gives him a long look, then says,
"Well, the first 50 points you received were for correctly disassembling the engine, the next 50 points were for reassembling it, and we gave you 50 points of extra credit for doing it all through the muffler."
A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..
She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Traffic Lights..
I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
What's one sign you're not the next Steve Jobs?
Instead of a "visionary leader who changed the world," people typically describe you as a "nice guy who eats a lot." (BTW, are we allowed to link out?)
Once upon a time, there was a computer
Once upon a time, there was a village idiot. He excelled at doing precisely what he was told to do. However, being an idiot, he never questioned his orders.
His parents convinced the village blacksmith to apprentice the idiot.
The blacksmith explains to the idiot, "Grab a rod with these tongs, and put it on the anvil, and I'll hit it with this hammer." The idiot puts the rod on the anvil OK, but it's at the wrong angle. The blacksmith realizes his instructions were a little vague on that point, and he tries giving clearer directions. But it's no use -- he can't explain it precisely enough for the idiot to hold the rod just right.
So the blacksmith says, "Let's change jobs -- **I'll** position the rod and **you** hit it with the hammer." The instant the blacksmith touches the rod to the anvil, before even he has a chance to position it properly, the idiot starts hammering away at the rod.
Frustrated, the blacksmith thinks to himself -- how can he phrase this so there's NO POSSIBLE WAY the idiot can screw up? Aha!
The blacksmith says: "I am going to put the rod on the anvil -- **do not** hit it. When I nod my head, you hit it."
Could have been me...
Sitting at a Red Light yesterday, minding my own business...patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to
me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to Americans!"
and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been
me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Got Change?
An elderly couple is in financial dire straits. Their pension is running out and things are starting to look desperate.
After several pointless job interviews and attempting to sell some junk from the attic, they reach the sad conclusion that the only hope they have is for the wife to sell her "favors" on the street.
And so, in the morning, the wife leaves the house and doesn't come back until late at night. Her husband is anxiously waiting at the door.
"So, how much did you make?" he asks.
"$719.25", she replies before collapsing on the couch.
"Wha...? Who paid you with a quarter?!?"
"Everybody."
Man....that could have been me!
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green. Suddenly, a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, pulled up next to me.
They had a wild-eyed look as they yelled "Allah HuAkbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" & waved their fists at me. Then they took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran right over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Crackers
So my black friend Treyvon is having some issues with his girl friend (Polly). He told me she gave him an ultimatum. He either has to change his life in a number of ways including getting a stable job and marrying her or she'll leave him and find some one who will. After Treyvon had poured his heart out and told me about what Polly had told him he asked me what i thought. So I gave him my honest opinion. I said " well it sounds like Polly wants a c**...."
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
How many US Navy electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, and three hours. One to write the tags and hang them, one to second check and fix it, and a supervisor to verify the job was done correctly.
Stolen from Navy boyfriend
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday...
...minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
I recently got a job in the fast food industry, changed my name to Fedora
Everyone tips fedora!
I was waiting at a stop light yesterday...
Up next to me pulled a small car. It was full of Muslim t**... types shouting in a foreign language. The car had a half burnt American flag hanging on the side with "Remember 911" spray painted on the side. One of the men stuck his head out the window and shouted "Death to America!!!" They sped off right after before the light changed to green.
Out of nowhere an 18 wheeler slammed into the side of the car, crushing it and killing them all instantly.
I sat for a minute in shock. I thought to myself, that could have been me.
So this morning I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Toll Joke my buddy made up.
A young new toll operator is having his first day on the job with a skilled veteran of the booth. As they work in their conjoined shift, the veteran points out a gold Mercedes pulling up in the toll line. The Veteran nudges the kid and says " Dat guy dere ain't gone pay his full toll. " the young new worker looks at his predecessor like he's crazy. As the car pulls up, the driver is furiously digging for change. "I am so sorry! All I have is 73 cents!" The driver exclaimed. The Veteran nods him through anyway and then turns to the incredulous newbie and says "Toll jew"
The Gynecologist had become
fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"
If Indiana Jones was a new-born Christian what would he change his job title to?
Arkeologist.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just go home and pray someone else would do the job
Walked into my dealers house with a dollars worth in change and asked for four quarters worth of w**.......
Walked out with $225 in debt, an ounce of w**..., and a new job.
How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, we've decided to let a man do the job.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb
One American to hire a Mexican to change the bulb and other 323.99 million to complain about outsiders stealing their jobs
My grandparents have died 36 times
Every time I change jobs all four of them come alive again.
I want a job where I can really make change, instead of what I'm doing now.
Anyone know any cashier jobs hiring?
You know what, those protests changed my mind
I thought only some of them didn't have jobs but now I think all of the protestors don't have jobs.
Laziest Of All
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he
announced. Will the laziest man please put his hand up?
Nine hands went up.
Why didn't you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man.
Too much trouble, came the reply.
My mom told me I wasn't a failure
I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!
Her opinion changed greatly.
The Paint Job
A man finds job as a road painter and the first week he paints 15km (9.3 miles) of the road his boss congratulates him for being the best employee. The next week he suddenly changes to 10 km (6.2 miles) his boss doesn't say anything but is a bit worried. The third week he only paints 5km (3.1) so his boss says "alright i've had enough of your incompetence either you explain why you're painting less every week or you can go find another job." The painter then replies "I don't know b0ss but the can of paint is always further away each time I paint the road and I have to walk back to the can".
9/11 may have been an inside job
But it still doesn't change the fact that 7/11 is still my part-time job.
What's it called when a spy gets a s**... change and then goes out on a job?
A transmission
(Be kind I made this up in like 2 minutes at work)
Impact of Job Change!!
One day, A taxi passenger touched driver on his shoulder to ask something. Driver screamed, lost control of car, went up on footpath & stopped few inches from a shop.
The passenger apologised & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: Sorry it's not your fault, it's my 1st day as a cab driver, I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies from last 25 years.
A homeless person asked me to spare some change and I don't have any money.
He told me to get a job.
I ran into an old acquaintance from school the other day.
He always liked to brag and the years didn't change that as he stood there telling me about how great his life is. He told me about how he landed this miracle job, he showed me pictures of his flashy Mercedes, his house in the countryside then showed more pictures telling me to "take a look at my gorgeous wife".
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my wife."
"Oh, is she a stunner too?", He asked.
"No, she's an optician." I replied.
I'm fine with IHOP changing their name to IHOB
I just feel bad for all the one-legged waitresses who lost their jobs.
Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.
Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.
Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.
One man, one job
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here." That's when I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
*Moral*: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.
At a previous job, one of my coworkers would always threaten to leave and just blow glass for a living.
My boss would always respond: I'm gonna change my name to Glass.
Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools.
Tired of constantly moving around, I said to him "Son if this keeps happening
they are going to ban you from teaching altogether."
How many Americans dose it take to change a light bulb?
none, because china already took that job.
Things really change when you grow up
For instance, nobody tells me I did a good job when I finish all my food!
Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do
a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
That's when I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.🤔
How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to collect all the information from the client what he wants done
1 to fill a flipchart with nonsensical b**...
1 to whip the interns to actually collect the data required (i.e. someone has to pretend to work)
1 to write a report about it
12 to bill the work of the 18 people (but you get the interns for free!)
The lightbulb of course didn't get changed. We only tell you that you should do it and how you should do it, changing it is not part of our job.
Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...
There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!
Dalai Lama joke
The Dalai Lama gets a job in convenience store.
A customer buys 3 bottles of water and gives him a $100 bill.
Dalai Lama: Thank you come back again.
Customer: Wait, where's my change?
Dalai Lama: Son, change comes from within.
My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ.
He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn't give up his love for laying tracks.
Mid life career change
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase 'My server went down on me,' is no longer a good thing," the guy replies.
Two coworkers chat in the dining room
A: "Hey, you know what I did the other day? I found the courage to finally walk into the bosses office and assertively ask for a raise."
B:"Wow, really? How did it go?"
A:"We've reached a compromise. My pay doesn't change and in return I can keep my job."
So my mom is getting her foot cut off today.. (really)
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot.
I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage
I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion
I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.
But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .
I went for a job as a History Teacher once.
I changed my mind though. I couldn't see any future in it.