changed Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious changed puns

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

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One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

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Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

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At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

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My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."

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How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

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I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

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My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian

It's like I've never known herbivore

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2 twins changing their name.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee. Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly... A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, "Don't stop, be Lee, Ving", "Hold on to that fee, ling."

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When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

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I asked a pretty homeless woman...

I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan...

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

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When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed...

My name... my address... my phone number

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An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed

My name, my address, my phone number

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I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

but then I changed my mind

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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

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My friend Victor changed his last name to "E". No one knows why. He's become a Mystery.

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A feminist visited a Muslim country and was unhappy with the treatment of women there...

All of the Muslim men made their wives walk at least five feet behind them. The visiting feminist was outraged, "How could you be so sexist? This is an outrage!"


She left the country, only to return years later. Much to her surprise, all of the women were walking five feet *ahead* of their husbands. The feminist couldn't believe it. "What changed? Why are you so progressive now?" One of the men overheard and said with a smile... "land mines."

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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

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When my wife got pregnant everything changed

My name, my address and my phone number

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When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.

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Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You're Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

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Statistician and bomb.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.


There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low,
it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend
met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your
theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just
that I subsequently computed the probability that there would
simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is
low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own
bomb. "

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HARLEY DAVIDSON MEETS GOD

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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the homeless woman

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb

Then I realized that my life was a joke...

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You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

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"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

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The doctor said to the patient

We had to remove a part of your anus

Patient- will I be any different?

Doctor-Just less of an asshole

Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76

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Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"

The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

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My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I have the body of 20 year old

Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer

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Statistician on a plane

A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb. "

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A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

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Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.

One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.

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A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'.

I asked if I could call him Back.

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A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to find the statistician sitting in the seat next to you. "What happened? Have the odds changed?" the man asked.

"No, the odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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I was going to sue my neurosurgeon.

But he changed my mind.

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So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we're having a baby...

My name, address and telephone number.

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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name.
Everything.

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How many Republicans does it take to change a light-bulb?

None.

Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.

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A kid was doing horribly in math class..

He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."

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After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

My address, my job, my phone number...

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I got my girlfriend pregnant and everything changed.

New phone number, new address, new name.

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After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed....

My address, my job, my phone number...

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How five Jews changed the way we see the world:

Moses: "The Law is everything"

Jesus: "Love is everything"

Marx: "Money is everything"

Freud: "Sex is everything"

Einstein: "Everything is relative"

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Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

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I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...

I am now banned from babysitting.

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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant...

...But then I changed my mind

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The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

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I've changed so much since my GF told me she's pregnant

For example my name, address and even phone number

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I thought about getting a brain transplant

But then i changed my mind

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After I changed sex, my daughter has been ignoring me..

It seems like I'm transparent

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Since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot had changed.

Like my name, address and phone number.

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Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

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If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

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When my Girlfriend got pregnant... Everything changed...

My name, My Address, My phone number, My email ID

Everything.....

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I married an amputee last week

She single handedly changed my life

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I left my husband after he changed his name to "John Cena".

I just couldn't see him anymore.

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I heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32.

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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A blonde comes home from school and says

"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I'm blonde?"

Her mother replies:
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the blonde comes home from school and says:
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can't recite the alphabet, but I can. Is it because I'm blonde?"

"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde"

The next day she comes home and says:
"Mummy, mummy, today we were getting changed for gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I had these."

She points to her breasts.
"Is it because I'm blonde?

"No dear, it's because you're 25."

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's a trick question. Feminists haven't changed anything.

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I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me.

She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.

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God's Flawed Design


The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

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Who's the most 'merican...

Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.


The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".


So a year goes by, and the two men meet at a bar, and they began to discuss the events of the past year.


"I married a white woman, bought a Ram pick up truck, joined a softball team, and converted to Christianity... do you think you can be more American than that?" Abdul challenged.


"Fuck you, towel head!" Achmed responded.

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neil diamond........

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

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A joke about hell

A man from Michigan, sick of the cold, decides he wants to take a break and go to Florida for a few days. His wife happens to be on a business trip and will arrive later. After the man arrives, he decides to send his wife a quick email to let her know he arrived safely. His wife had recently changed her email address, and because the man had not memorized the address well enough, he got one letter wrong and sent the email to an elderly woman whose husband, a former pastor, had passed away the other day. The elderly woman was reading her emails when she read the one from the Michigan man, shrieked, and fainted. Her family rushed in to see what had happened and saw the email on the screen, which read:

Dearest wife, just checked in, everything is set for your arrival tommorow. P.S, it's burning down here

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Mum I'm going out now

Mum I'm going out now

Mum: you're not going anywhere until you've changed out of that miniskirt!

Why not?!

Mum: Because I can see your balls Richard!

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A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

Edit 1: Why was my title and username changed?

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Two black guys walking down the street

They walk past a store that is advertising a new machine that will turn anyone into a white person.

"Aw man. We gotta do that!," says first black man.

"The sign says it costs $10. I only got $5," says the second black man.

"Alright, I got a $20. I'll go in first and then I'll give you the change."

So the first black man goes in and after a few minutes he comes out completely changed into a white man.

"No way, dawg! It worked! Give me your change and I'll go in!," exclaimed the second black man.

The now white man looks at his friend for a few seconds, then says, "Get a job nigger!"

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My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

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My wife walked in on me masturbating...

I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!

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In between her legs

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

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I didn`t actually want to get a brain transplant but...

... I changed my mind

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I tried to tell the doctor that I didn't want a brain transplant.

But he changed my mind.

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I crossed the road, walked into the bar and changed a lightbulb.

It was at that moment I realised my life was a joke.

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The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.

But she has already changed her mind.

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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

But then i changed my mind.

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I changed my password to "incorrect"

So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"

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"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

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how many 9s does it take to change a lightbulb?

11.

9 11 changed everything.

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A man sees a woman in a bar...

A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."

The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"

The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.

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The three eggs

Translated and changed slightly from Armenian:

3 friends come across a man in need of help and help him with his problem. As thanks, the man rewards them 3 magic eggs and tells them "break these magic eggs, and you can become anything your heart desires"

He hands an egg to the 1st man. He breaks it and exclaims, "I want to be a rich and powerful head of state!" And that's what he becomes.

He then hands an egg to the 2nd man. The 2nd man breaks it and says "I would like to be charismatic and good looking, the greatest artist who ever lived!" And that's what he becomes.

He hands an egg to the 3rd man, and as it is given to him, he drops it and says "shit!"

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I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

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Rihanna's take on the meteor

A massive meteor has hit Russia injuring hundreds, Rihanna insist that the meteor has changed and deserves a second chance.

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2 days ago I named my Wifi to "Hack it if u can"...

..yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"!

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Half full, Half empty.

Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.

Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,

While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.

Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.

Neutralists decline to comment.

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Little man dancing with no arms

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

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My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos.

"You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend.

"Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the naked ones."

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Being a father completely changed me.

I'm one of those motherfuckers now.

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A girl went to Thailand for a week...

And came back a changed man.

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My girlfriend told me she was pregnant and it changed everything...

My name, my phone number, my address.....

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I named my first son Ready

On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."

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[NSFW] I got a little suspicious when my girlfriend of 3 years suddenly changed her ring tone

She had never bleached her asshole before.

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A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the city hall to change the name in 30 minutes after the baby is born.

Mrs. Thyme was pregnant, and her water had broken that morning. However Mr. Thyme had to work for the day, and he had an important meeting that he couldn't miss. He arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after the birth, and Mrs. Thyme said "Hello, dear! Isn't our baby precious?" Mr. Thyme nodded in approval. He suddenly remembered the law, and exclaimed "I have to go to the city hall!" and ran off.

20 minutes later, Mr. Thyme came back. "Did you name our son?" Mrs. Thyme asked. "Yes," Mr. Thyme responded, "Justin Thyme."

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Originally, I was against getting a brain transplant

Then I changed my mind.

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The day my wife found out she was pregnant, everything changed...

My name, my phone number, my address, and my country of residence.

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So I told Hitler about 9/11

I told him about the carnage and the aftermath, and how the state of America was changed forever, but he was confused.

So, I told him about the backstory, and how Bin Laden began to plan this in the 90s, but he was still confused.

Then, I told him about the numerous connections and the conspirators who trained to fly the planes.

I saw the look on his face.

"What's the confusion?"

Hitler: "But why no eleven?"

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I was giving my girlfriend...[NSFW]

...oral sex. She wanted to get in on the act so we started to 69.

...changed my hole perspective.

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What do politicians and diapers have in common?

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

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I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening...

One of the perks of being self-employed.

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I myself once thought I was a man trapped in a woman's body....

But then I was born, and it all changed.

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I found out a friend was a vegan and it completely changed how I thought about her.

It was like I didn't know herbivore.

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My friend changed a lot when she became a vegetarian

...it's like I've never seen herbivore.

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Saw a beautiful lady out the other night...

...so I went up to her I asked what her name was and she said "Carmen Gold."
I said, "What a beautiful name! What nationality is the last name 'Gold?'"
"Oh no, I changed my name to reflect what I really love. I love cars, men, and gold jewelry. So what's your name again?"
"My name's BJ TitsnBeer."

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There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris in my hometown....

...but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

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After decades of intense research, scientists have finally figured out what a woman wants

Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.

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My friend has really changed since she became a vegetarian.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind

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changed my voice settings to Spanish on my gps

it told me i didn't have enough people in the car

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One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,

"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."

So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.

As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"

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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

But then I changed my mind.

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My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago.

The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.

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Guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and immediately notices a beautiful young lady sitting at the bar by herself. After a couple of drinks, he decides to go over and make small talk.

"Hi, what's your name?" he asks.

"Carmen," she replies.

"That's a nice name," he says. "Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither," she says. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asks.

"Well," she explains, "I like men and I like cars, so I picked the name Carmen. What's your name?"

"Beertits."

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Justin Bieber....

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

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Sort of clean joke

Amanda Bynes changed her name to Da Bynes because she's an independent woman who don't need Aman

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My friend told me his life completely changed after witnessing the second coming of Jesus.

He is never going to watch Mexican porn again.

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Many things have changed...

Many things have changed since I became a dad...

My phone number, my address.

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Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

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God's race

One day a black kid and a white kid were debating whether god was black or white. Their debate was turning heated when suddenly the heavens opened and a booming voice and God said "I am what I am!"

Upon hearing this, the black kid gave up his argument and agreed that God is white. The white kid was puzzled and asked the black kid why he changed his mind. The black kid said, "God just said 'I am what I am' if he was black he would've said 'I is what I is'"

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I just changed my iPhone's name to "Titanic"

I just changed my iPhone's name to "Titanic" and plugged it in.

It's syncing now.

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How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.

But the light bulb needs to want to be changed.

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The clock was bored of his tick-tock...

...so he changed to a better tack-tick.

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My teenage son told me I am a resentful has-been. We had a good, hearty laugh together about that.

Then i changed the WIFI password

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Initially I didn't want to have the brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

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I've been to the year 3000...

Nothing much has changed but Article 50 still hasn't been triggered.

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It all changed when my girlfriend got pregnant....

My name, my address, my phone number...

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Two Christians Were walking in the desert....

They began to feel very hungry and thirsty. Then they saw a nearby mosque. Their names were Chris and Michael and Chris suggested to change names to Muslim names so they would give them food. Chris changed his to Ahmed but Michael refused and didn't change it. They approached the Sheikh of the mosque and the Sheikh asked " What are your names?" Chris replied "My name is Ahmed and this is Michael" The Sheikh quickly stood up and said "Quickly get some food and water to Michael!" And then he looked over to Chris and said "Ramadan Mubarak Ahmed!"

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Coincidence

Farmer goes into a bar and orders a champagne. Lady next to him says, I just order a champagne also. What a coincidence. she asks him why the champagne and he tells her he's celebrating. She says so am I. What a coincidence. She asks the farmer what he's celebrating and he tells her he's been trying to get his chickens to lay eggs for a long time and today they finally did. She tells he shes been trying to have a baby for a long time and today she found out she is. What a coincidence. They drink some champagne and the lady asks him what he did to get his chickens to finally lay eggs. He says - I changed Cocks and she says - what a coincidence.

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Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

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I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but,

I changed my mind.

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My roommate recently started having much louder sex with his girlfriend. "What changed?" I asked.

"We've updated our privacy policy."

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While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

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I was having a hard time remembering my PIN on my debit card....

So I changed it to 0911. That way I never forget.

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Chinese Immigrants

Three Chinese brothers tried to migrate into America. The first brother was name Bu, the second was name Chu and the third was called Fu. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changed his name to Chuck and Fu got sent back to China.

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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then...

I changed my mind.

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Chuck Norris

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris. It was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

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Was Snoop Dogg being serious when he changed his name?

Or was Snoop Lion ?

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LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:


It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.


Edit* changed were to are

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Luke Skywalker went to the Jedi temple

Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.

Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage. It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastically. We fight all the time, and we never seem to do anything together anymore. I'm starting to think there's someone else here too, like she's cheating on me. Ben, I'm not sure what to do."

Obi-Wan responded "Use divorce, Luke"

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Due to recent developments, ISIS changed its name to......

WASWAS

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What are the best Changed puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Changed? Well, here are the best jokes about Changed to have fun with.

Joko Jokes