A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
then I changed her mind
it's like I've never seen herbivore.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
It's like I've never known herbivore
There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee. Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly... A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, "Don't stop, be Lee, Ving", "Hold on to that fee, ling."
Things like, my job, my phone number and my address
I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
My name... my address... my phone number
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
My name, my address, my phone number
But then I changed my mind.
but then I changed my mind
As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"
Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."
"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"
All of the Muslim men made their wives walk at least five feet behind them. The visiting feminist was outraged, "How could you be so sexist? This is an outrage!"
She left the country, only to return years later. Much to her surprise, all of the women were walking five feet *ahead* of their husbands. The feminist couldn't believe it. "What changed? Why are you so progressive now?" One of the men overheard and said with a smile... "land mines."
But then I changed my mind
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
My name, my address and my phone number
Thankfully, it all changed when I was born.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I'm outta here
Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.
There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low,
it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend
met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your
theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just
that I subsequently computed the probability that there would
simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is
low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own
bomb. "
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Then I realized that my life was a joke...
When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."
"Why the two dogs?"
"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"
We had to remove a part of your anus
Patient- will I be any different?
Doctor-Just less of an asshole
Edit 1- Changed rectum to anus, credit u/RigorMortis76
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer
A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb. "
Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"
-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.
One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.
I asked if I could call him Back.
His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"
"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."
A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to find the statistician sitting in the seat next to you. "What happened? Have the odds changed?" the man asked.
"No, the odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
But he changed my mind.
My name, address and telephone number.
My phone number, my address, my name.
Everything.
None.
Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.
He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."
My address, my job, my phone number...
New phone number, new address, new name.
My address, my job, my phone number...
Moses: "The Law is everything"
Jesus: "Love is everything"
Marx: "Money is everything"
Freud: "Sex is everything"
Einstein: "Everything is relative"
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
...But then I changed my mind
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
For example my name, address and even phone number
But then i changed my mind
It seems like I'm transparent
Like my name, address and phone number.
"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "
But she changed my password.
My name, My Address, My phone number, My email ID
Everything.....
She single handedly changed my life
I just couldn't see him anymore.
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I'm blonde?"
Her mother replies:
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the blonde comes home from school and says:
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can't recite the alphabet, but I can. Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde"
The next day she comes home and says:
"Mummy, mummy, today we were getting changed for gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I had these."
She points to her breasts.
"Is it because I'm blonde?
"No dear, it's because you're 25."
That's a trick question. Feminists haven't changed anything.
She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
But then I changed my mind.
Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.
The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".
So a year goes by, and the two men meet at a bar, and they began to discuss the events of the past year.
"I married a white woman, bought a Ram pick up truck, joined a softball team, and converted to Christianity... do you think you can be more American than that?" Abdul challenged.
"Fuck you, towel head!" Achmed responded.
Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
A man from Michigan, sick of the cold, decides he wants to take a break and go to Florida for a few days. His wife happens to be on a business trip and will arrive later. After the man arrives, he decides to send his wife a quick email to let her know he arrived safely. His wife had recently changed her email address, and because the man had not memorized the address well enough, he got one letter wrong and sent the email to an elderly woman whose husband, a former pastor, had passed away the other day. The elderly woman was reading her emails when she read the one from the Michigan man, shrieked, and fainted. Her family rushed in to see what had happened and saw the email on the screen, which read:
Dearest wife, just checked in, everything is set for your arrival tommorow. P.S, it's burning down here
Mum I'm going out now
Mum: you're not going anywhere until you've changed out of that miniskirt!
Why not?!
Mum: Because I can see your balls Richard!
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
It's not hard.
Edit 1: Why was my title and username changed?
They walk past a store that is advertising a new machine that will turn anyone into a white person.
"Aw man. We gotta do that!," says first black man.
"The sign says it costs $10. I only got $5," says the second black man.
"Alright, I got a $20. I'll go in first and then I'll give you the change."
So the first black man goes in and after a few minutes he comes out completely changed into a white man.
"No way, dawg! It worked! Give me your change and I'll go in!," exclaimed the second black man.
The now white man looks at his friend for a few seconds, then says, "Get a job nigger!"
Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.
I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!
A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."
... I changed my mind
But he changed my mind.
It was at that moment I realised my life was a joke.
But she has already changed her mind.
But then i changed my mind.
So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"
"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."
11.
9 11 changed everything.
A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."
The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"
The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
Translated and changed slightly from Armenian:
3 friends come across a man in need of help and help him with his problem. As thanks, the man rewards them 3 magic eggs and tells them "break these magic eggs, and you can become anything your heart desires"
He hands an egg to the 1st man. He breaks it and exclaims, "I want to be a rich and powerful head of state!" And that's what he becomes.
He then hands an egg to the 2nd man. The 2nd man breaks it and says "I would like to be charismatic and good looking, the greatest artist who ever lived!" And that's what he becomes.
He hands an egg to the 3rd man, and as it is given to him, he drops it and says "shit!"
It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.
A massive meteor has hit Russia injuring hundreds, Rihanna insist that the meteor has changed and deserves a second chance.
..yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"!
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
"You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend.
"Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the naked ones."
I'm one of those motherfuckers now.
And came back a changed man.
My name, my phone number, my address.....
On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."
She had never bleached her asshole before.
Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the city hall to change the name in 30 minutes after the baby is born.
Mrs. Thyme was pregnant, and her water had broken that morning. However Mr. Thyme had to work for the day, and he had an important meeting that he couldn't miss. He arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after the birth, and Mrs. Thyme said "Hello, dear! Isn't our baby precious?" Mr. Thyme nodded in approval. He suddenly remembered the law, and exclaimed "I have to go to the city hall!" and ran off.
20 minutes later, Mr. Thyme came back. "Did you name our son?" Mrs. Thyme asked. "Yes," Mr. Thyme responded, "Justin Thyme."
Then I changed my mind.
My name, my phone number, my address, and my country of residence.
I told him about the carnage and the aftermath, and how the state of America was changed forever, but he was confused.
So, I told him about the backstory, and how Bin Laden began to plan this in the 90s, but he was still confused.
Then, I told him about the numerous connections and the conspirators who trained to fly the planes.
I saw the look on his face.
"What's the confusion?"
Hitler: "But why no eleven?"
...oral sex. She wanted to get in on the act so we started to 69.
...changed my hole perspective.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
One of the perks of being self-employed.
But then I was born, and it all changed.
It was like I didn't know herbivore.
...it's like I've never seen herbivore.
...so I went up to her I asked what her name was and she said "Carmen Gold."
I said, "What a beautiful name! What nationality is the last name 'Gold?'"
"Oh no, I changed my name to reflect what I really love. I love cars, men, and gold jewelry. So what's your name again?"
"My name's BJ TitsnBeer."
...but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
But then I changed my mind
it told me i didn't have enough people in the car
... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.
About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,
"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."
So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.
As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"
But then I changed my mind.
The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.
A guy walks into a bar and immediately notices a beautiful young lady sitting at the bar by herself. After a couple of drinks, he decides to go over and make small talk.
"Hi, what's your name?" he asks.
"Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he says. "Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither," she says. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asks.
"Well," she explains, "I like men and I like cars, so I picked the name Carmen. What's your name?"
"Beertits."
I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
Amanda Bynes changed her name to Da Bynes because she's an independent woman who don't need Aman
He is never going to watch Mexican porn again.
Many things have changed since I became a dad...
My phone number, my address.
It was on a strict diet of worms.
One day a black kid and a white kid were debating whether god was black or white. Their debate was turning heated when suddenly the heavens opened and a booming voice and God said "I am what I am!"
Upon hearing this, the black kid gave up his argument and agreed that God is white. The white kid was puzzled and asked the black kid why he changed his mind. The black kid said, "God just said 'I am what I am' if he was black he would've said 'I is what I is'"
I just changed my iPhone's name to "Titanic" and plugged it in.
It's syncing now.
Just one.
But the light bulb needs to want to be changed.
...so he changed to a better tack-tick.
Then i changed the WIFI password
But then I changed my mind.
Nothing much has changed but Article 50 still hasn't been triggered.
My name, my address, my phone number...
They began to feel very hungry and thirsty. Then they saw a nearby mosque. Their names were Chris and Michael and Chris suggested to change names to Muslim names so they would give them food. Chris changed his to Ahmed but Michael refused and didn't change it. They approached the Sheikh of the mosque and the Sheikh asked " What are your names?" Chris replied "My name is Ahmed and this is Michael" The Sheikh quickly stood up and said "Quickly get some food and water to Michael!" And then he looked over to Chris and said "Ramadan Mubarak Ahmed!"
Farmer goes into a bar and orders a champagne. Lady next to him says, I just order a champagne also. What a coincidence. she asks him why the champagne and he tells her he's celebrating. She says so am I. What a coincidence. She asks the farmer what he's celebrating and he tells her he's been trying to get his chickens to lay eggs for a long time and today they finally did. She tells he shes been trying to have a baby for a long time and today she found out she is. What a coincidence. They drink some champagne and the lady asks him what he did to get his chickens to finally lay eggs. He says - I changed Cocks and she says - what a coincidence.
When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.
I changed my mind.
"We've updated our privacy policy."
Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
So I changed it to 0911. That way I never forget.
Three Chinese brothers tried to migrate into America. The first brother was name Bu, the second was name Chu and the third was called Fu. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changed his name to Chuck and Fu got sent back to China.
I changed my mind.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris. It was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Or was Snoop Lion ?
Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:
It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.
Edit* changed were to are
Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.
Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage. It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastically. We fight all the time, and we never seem to do anything together anymore. I'm starting to think there's someone else here too, like she's cheating on me. Ben, I'm not sure what to do."
Obi-Wan responded "Use divorce, Luke"
WASWAS
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Changed? Well, here are the best jokes about Changed to have fun with.