The Best 84 Change Jokes

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They only *talk* about change.

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why must it be a group activity?

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many Broncos does it take to change a tire?

One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."

Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna change my name to mitochondria...

I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

What do you call a flower getting a sex change?

A Transplant

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

I changed the tags of my mother's herb jars. She hasn't notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

I changed my name to Trump in Among Us

No one has voted me since

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.

The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.

The light signals back, I'm a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.

Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.

The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and lack a sense of humour.

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb

Too

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness

My dad had a sex change

My dad had a sex change and now I can't see him any more.

He's transparent.

So my mom is getting her foot cut off today.. (really)

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot.
I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

Girl named IKEA had to change her name to stop being picked on at school.

However stop being picked on at school is arguably a worse choice.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...

"Make me one with everything."

So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"

The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."


(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

My girlfriend said, I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.

I said, Wait! I can change.

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

THAT IS NOT FUNNY!

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it's changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Narcissists don't use light bulbs. They use gaslighting.

I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage

I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion

I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

How many incels does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has no idea how to turn it on.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?

How does Karen change a light bulb?

She puts it in and waits for the world to revolve around her

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, because they are quick and efficient

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Programmers don't change light bulbs. Broken light bulbs are a hardware issue.

Obsessive Compulsive...

The representative body that supports people who suffer from OCD have petitioned the Government to change the acronym to CDO in alphabetical order the way it should be...

How Many New Yorkers Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to talk about how much better the bulbs in New York are.