Hilarious Fun Chance Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little b**... didn't stand a chance…
I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?
She said - why would we choose you..
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.
Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are s**...
so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".
The Super Bowl
Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...
So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
You can explore chance sacrifice reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chance evens dad jokes. There are also chance puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do a s**... and a lawyer have in common?
They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common?
Both give you a good chance of catching something
Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..
She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist s**... bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.
Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.
I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.
He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.
For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...
She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.
Bullies and s**... have in common::
The One-in-a-Million chance of becoming a Human Being.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism
The unvaccinated die before they get the chance
I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper
She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
That fly didn't stand a chance
Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman..
Because if she doesn't have THAT, I may just have a chance.
What do lawyers and s**... have in common?
1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.
Alligators can live up to 100 years...
Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in
He never stood a chance against 5 of us
Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.
After all, you have to be alive to get autism.
Yesterday I saw some kid getting g**... up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.
Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."
The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".
a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...
immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have s**... with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."
I read somewhere that 1 out of 3 people cheat
I did the math, and there is a 5/9 chance that either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.
There is a good chance you'll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it's hard to differentiate between them.
Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet
She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these s**... jokes, I'm dad!"
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad
I guess it will be 5050
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
Trump still has a chance at 270
All he has to do is lose 50lbs.
A girl I'm hitting on just caught the Corona virus
I might have a chance now, as she's lost all her taste...
I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.
That Fly didn't stand a chance.
We should have a TV show where i**... immigrants hunt down s**... offenders for a chance at citizenship
We can call it "Alien vs Predator"
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
There is a chance my computer will go down on me.
An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".
The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".
The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".
When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill
But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.
I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**....
The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.
We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
So dad beat my a**... again
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
In another 3029 years, there's a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.
It's 5050
An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river
The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"
The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."
The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
When I was a boy my dad gave me money....
When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....
TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...
...they *will* see you later!
Archeologists say that in very rare cases, you can experience a mummy f**... in their crypt.
If you get the chance to experience this phenomena, you can call that toot uncommon.
My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.
**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum
**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren't dumb
A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her what's 2+2? The little girl shivers and squeaks out T-three? The crowd erupts yelling Give her another chance! So they do and ask her again what's 2+2? The girl stands there for a moment before answering is it 4? The crowd starts chanting once again Give her another chance!
A man and a dog walk into a bar
Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"
"But my dog can talk"
Bartender: "Prove it"
"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"
Dog: "Roof, roof"
Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"
"Fido, what is the high grassy part of a golf course called?"
Dog: "Ruff, ruff"
Bartender (more annoyed): "I'll give you one last chance before I throw you out"
"Fido, who is the greatest baseball player of all time"
Dog: "Ruth, ruth"
Bartender throws the both of them out into the street.
Dog: "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"
King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:
The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
I was given a single chance to fix an abacus
I better make it count
An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II
An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."
The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."
"That is correct. How did you recognize it?"
"Because it looks so human."
LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player.
There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
This high school guys was born without one of his eyes.
He was given a wooden eye as a prosthetic. His whole life he has been self concious about his wooden eye.
Eventually senior prom rolls around and he want to take someone out.
He sees a girls with a hair-lip. Thinking that she may also be self concious about her malformity, he thinks he may have a chance with her.
He approaches her and nervously asks
"Would you like to go to the prom with me?"
She turns to him and excitedly says
"Oh would I, would I!"
He is shocked and responds
"Hair-lip hair-lip"
I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player
There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper
I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list
No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it's gone.
Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one
Violins begets violence
What did John Lennons parents say to him to get him to eat his veggies when he was a kid?
All we are saying is, give peas a chance
