The Best 35 Chance Dying Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Chance Dying jokes. There are some chance dying jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these chance dying puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Chance Dying Jokes and Puns

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".


Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."


I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

The Super Bowl

Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.

"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."

"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."

"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

You can explore chance dying reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean chance dying dad jokes. There are also chance dying puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'

'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

Can't take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take

that chance."

A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.

The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:

"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"

The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."

The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"

Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.

The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"

Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.

The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"

The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

An American man visits the Holy Land...

An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

Mans dying wish

Did you hear about the guy whose dying wish was to have Dallas Cowboys as his pall bearers? He wanted to give them the chance to let him down one last time.

When I die, I want to be cremated.

It's my last chance to get a smokin' hot body

A man is cheating

on his wife, Lorraine. His lover is a girl named Clearly. His wife suspects him of cheating so she is always keeping a close eye on him. He knows that she is always watching so he never gets a chance to be with Clearly. One day, Lorraine had a heart attack and died. At her funeral, the man sings: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."


"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

My dad always wanted me to be a millionaire and thankfully I didn't disappoint him.

He died before he got a chance to see how poor I am.

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks why take the most expensive solution? The American responds, well another man buried here rose from the dead and we cannot take that chance.

I don't understand why Islamic fundamentalist suicide bombers go through with it on the off chance of getting 72 virgins when you die...

Become a catholic priest and have them now!

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swear the update caused that crash."

They say if you survive childhood, there is only 0.001% chance of dying a virgin ...

... So as I'm going skydiving tomorrow, I'm feeling kinda reassured.

I heard about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) the other day and I felt a bit optimistic...

You are telling me this baby screaming on the plane has a chance of suddenly dying?!

What is the point in becoming an ISIS terrorist on the off chance you will get 72 Virgins when you die?

Just become a Catholic priest and have them now.

No Bedside Manner

I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous. This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure, the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … Heck, he continued, you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.

Dear anti-vaxxers

When we said remove yourselves from the gene-pool... we meant stop breeding, not make sure your kids died before they had the chance.

Eating sushi is a win win

You get a nice, tasty snack AND there's a chance you'll die of mercury poisoning.

Have you heard of the new hair colorer which has a one in six chance of killing you?

It's called the die die dye.

Went to the doctor yesterday who said I have a 50% chance of dying.

I consider myself lucky since all other people have a 100% chance of dying.

Lou Gehrig...

... died from Lou Gehrig's disease. What are the chances of that?

I don't like to judge women's personalities.

But if your spouse has died...

Chances are you're a widow.

My friend told me that Hillary has ads on Spotify.

And I said:

"Well, I guess that makes sense. Anything she could do to up her chances. I mean, she *is* dying to become President."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the chance dying jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working chance dying piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes