Champagne Jokes
54 champagne jokes and hilarious champagne puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about champagne that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Spark the laughter with these champagne jokes! From scotch to wine, get your drinks ready and enjoy some witty puns and quips about the world's most famous bubbly drink. Laugh with your friends, family, and fellow champagne socialists.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Champagne Short Jokes
Short champagne jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The champagne humour may include short wine jokes also.
- I like my women like I like my champagne 13 years old and smashed over the bow of my yacht
- Two Arabs are on a plane. One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?".
The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon". - What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign
- I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.
- What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself? An astrofizzytits
- What do Princess Diana and Champagne have in common? Both come from France in a wooden box.
- SpaceX won't be drinking Champagne tonight. Every time they pop the cork it ends up back where it started...
- For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates... ...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.
- Doc said I need to change my diet... He said I need to eat more caviar and drink more champagne.
I said, "Doc, that's crazy! What's this diet called?"
He said, "it's a High Fluten diet." - Modern historians have a new hypothesis for what caused the death of Helen of Troy... It was the impact trauma from her face launching a thousand ships, long before champagne was invented.
Share These Champagne Jokes With Friends
Champagne One Liners
Which champagne one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with champagne? I can suggest the ones about vodka and sparkling water.
- How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan
- How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne? I don't know, ask Falcons fans.
- What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common? They both lost their pop.
- How do they launch a champagne factory? They throw a boat at it.
- What's it called when you mix champagne with orange juice at breakfast? Alcoholism
- Today I celebrated with Champagne... It marks my one day anniversary of being sober.
- Why is a bottle opened after winning something? Because it's champ-agne.
- Why did the bee drink champagne? To get a good buzz.
- Today I quit drinking for good Crack Open the Champagne, LETS CELEBRATE!!!
- My f**...? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together. "Klinky"
Bottle Champagne Jokes
Here is a list of funny bottle champagne jokes and even better bottle champagne puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Your mother ...is so big that when she was born the doctor broke a bottle of champagne over her head.
- I was wondering what the metal wire around the cork of the champagne bottle was for. Then it hit me.
Hilarious Champagne Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about champagne you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sparkling jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make champagne pranks.
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
An old drunk was at the bar when...
He saw this beautiful woman drinking alone at the corner of the bar alone. So he waved the bartender over and ask the bartender to send a bottle of the most expensive champagne to the woman.
The bartender, "nah, I wouldn't bother with that. She's a lesbian." But the old drunk insisted.
A short while later, the old drunk sauntered over to the woman, "So...which part of Lesbia are you from?"
she orders
*A guy takes a g**... a date. She orders costly champagne, oysters, lobsters, the most expensive food on the menu. The guy asks: Do you eat like this at your mom's place? The girl replies, No, my mother doesn't plan to sleep with me after the meal.'
What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?
**An astro-fizzy-t**...**
A little boy says to his dad
'What is the difference between wealth and poverty?'
And the dad says:
'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'
kids eat free today
Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i'll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.
Janet, a bit tipsy from the champagne, didn't realize the new office photocopier was a 3D photocopier.
So Steve got a nice bust for his bookshelf for christmas.
Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday
and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?
A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says
...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.
Civilian: Detective! There's been a robbery at my apartment!
Detective: What did they take?
Civilian: The TV, the music system, all the cash from my locker, the mini fridge, my most expensive bottle of champagne!
Detective: What was the point of entry?
Civilian: I guess they wanted to get rich
A man and woman in bed
"Give me some", man begs.
"No. You've had too much," wife responds.
"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.
"I'm tired of this. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.
Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, grabs a bottle of champagne. He fiddles with the cork and it pops out with a bang.
From the kid's room, an accusing voice comes
"Mom, you shoulda given dad some. See, now he went and shot himself."
First Date
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend.
Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new "YAKT".
Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey.
Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right.
An alien enters a bar
An alien enters a bar and shouts the drinks are on me. He shouts out " everybody can drink whatever they want and as much as you want all night long" . So people start ordering bottles of champagne and whisky and beer all night. At the end of the night the drinks are sold out and the bartender says "that was an expensive tab OK that's $133,48,56 you owe me"
The alien then replies " No problem pal BTW have you got change of a zonk?"
The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".
The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"
A French and British vampire walk into a bar
The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.
The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:
\- No tea?
\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used t**... from his jacket
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "What are you celebrating?" the bartender asks. "I just got my first novel published," the guy announces. "It's a thriller about a flock of 2,000 mockingbirds." "What's it called?" "2 kilomockingbirds," the guy replies.
A man stumbles across a magic lamp while walking in a forest
Upon rubbing it a genie appears and says that for freeing him he will grant him one wish.
The man thinks for a while and finally says :
" I wish that I peed out don perignon champagne"
The genie albeit confused grants the wish.
The man quickly hurries home and tells it all his wife.
The wife excitedly fetches some champagne glasses.
To which the man says "Oh no honey, tonight you drink from the bottle"
Guy is in the store...
...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..
3 bottles of red wine
3 bottles of white wine
2 bottles of champagne
1 bottle of vermouth
4 bottles of v**...
1 bottle of Hennessy
Finally one can of cat food
...when he suddenly hears a mans voice from behind: "I see.... someone's cat has a birthday!!!"
43 days!
A group of blondes walks into a bar with a picture of Elmo. They set the picture on a table and order several bottles of champagne. As the waiter returns with their champagne, the blondes are chanting, " " Intrigued, the waiter asks them what is going on. One of the blondes explains, "The box said 3 to 5 years, but we put together this Elmo puzzle in just 43 days,."
Last mortgage payment!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!" the guy announces. "I mean, I still owe $273,000, I just can't pay it any more."
A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.
In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,
What a hideous baby.
I've never been so insulted in my whole life, the man says, and
hurries to the train conductor to complain.
I'm so sorry, sir, the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he was insulted so terribly. I apologise on behalf of the railway
company.
Please allow me to move you to the first-class cabin, where you
can enjoy a free glass of champagne and I will try to find some cheese for your pet rat.
A guy walks into a bar, orders a bottle of champagne and yells "Happy New Year!"
"It's not even close to midnight yet, you idiot," the bartender reprimands him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I suspect I might have a rare medical condition that makes me yell that," the guy apologizes. "I think I suffer from p**... congratulations."
