Chair Jokes
136 chair jokes and hilarious chair puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about chair that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These chair jokes are sure to have you in stitches! Rocking chairs, electric chairs, deck chairs and more - explore them all in this collection of jokes. Straighten your seat and get ready to laugh with a mountaineer's worth of chair-related entertainment!
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Funniest Chair Short Jokes
Short chair jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The chair humour may include short seat jokes also.
- How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair? Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
- "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died." - A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?" I Happily I replied," Yes...."
She took away the extra chair in front of me. - If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know.. I really need to borrow some chairs
- Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair? Because they can't stand up for themselves.
- Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight. Now it's not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.
- My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs. It is driving him up the wall.
- When I was first married we were very poor, but my wife stood by me She had to - we only had one chair
- The chick I picked up wanted to play doctor So i sat her on a chair in the hallway and let her wait for 2 hours
- I went to the dentist. I sat down in the chair and he said, "Open up for me..."
"OK," I said, "my parents don't love me very much."
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Chair One Liners
Which chair one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with chair? I can suggest the ones about couch and shelf.
- What kind of wood makes the best chairs? Cherry wood.
- A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
- Mexican word of the day: wheelchair Theirs only 1 taco left, so wheel chair.
- A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down... It was a pad bun.
- I asked my boss for a raise... He bought me an adjustable chair
- I bet rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.
- I'm trying to get all chairs banned. I stand up for what I believe in.
- What do kings call musical chairs? A game of thrones.
- Honey, I really don't think you're fat ... pull up two chairs and let's talk about it
- I bought my ex-girlfriend a new chair... ...but the state won't let me plug it in.
- Why was the couch afraid of the chair? The chair was armed.
- What do you call Michael J. Fox spinning around in a chair? A fidget spinner
- how do you make a hotdog stand? take its chair.
- Did you hear about the incontinent woodworker? He specialised in staining chairs
- What has got 8 legs and 1 eye? 2 chairs and a half of a fish.
Rocking Chair Jokes
Here is a list of funny rocking chair jokes and even better rocking chair puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I spend the mornings in my rocking chair, and in the afternoon I go out in my wheelchair. I've got a real rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
- What chairs do drummers use to drum in? A rocking chair.
- I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this w**... in the river can't swim.
- My best friend's a rocking chair... ...we go way back.
- The Rolling Stones are so old..... that nowadays only their chairs are rocking.
Gaming Chair Jokes
Here is a list of funny gaming chair jokes and even better gaming chair puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games? Because it's last person standing wins.
- What do you call musical chairs with toilets? Game of Thrones
- What are cows favorite party games?
MOO-sical chairs. - An Aussie wins a game of chess and calls for the bill, then his friend collapses in his chair. He says: Checkmate. Check, mate then Checks his mate
- I used to go to the flea market with 3 dollars and bring home pants, shirts, a game boy and even an old fancy chair until they put cameras all over the place
- The game of Musical Chairs is just a receding chair line.
- Modern economy vs the Titanic Both heading in the same direction, but the game of musical chairs was more fun on the Titanic
- I'm not saying I'm lazy, but during a game of tennis... The umpire said "break point" and I headed for my chair.
- Have you heard of Game of Thrones? It's like musical chairs.
Lawn Chair Jokes
Here is a list of funny lawn chair jokes and even better lawn chair puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an object used as seating that can fly? A rocket lawn-chair.
- Q: Why did the blond layout on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
A: She wanted to get a dark tan.
Chair Force Jokes
Here is a list of funny chair force jokes and even better chair force puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My buddy in the Air Force got injured in the war... He fell off his chair.
Electric Chair Jokes
Here is a list of funny electric chair jokes and even better electric chair puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to operate an electric chair? 10, but 4 will shock you.
- Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes? The criminal: Please hold my hand...
- Why did the police beat the black man after he was executed in the electric chair? He was resisting.
- A man steals and crashes a train and is then given the electric chair, but nothing happens. guess he was a bad conductor
- I met a man in prison who said he was a conductor... I found this especially true when I saw him on the electric chair
- Why was the dolphin sent to the electric chair? He was found guilty of crimes against a manatee.
- Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair? he was a bad conductor.
- Why did the robot get the electric chair? Because he was charged with battery.
- My girlfriend used to do flashy shows on a chair for me. It was electrical.
- I offered an old lady my seat. Turns out that doesn't work when it's an electric chair.
Great Chair Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about chair you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean recliner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make chair pranks.
Ol' Merl & Ethel
Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."
Philosophy final
in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?
A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.
After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""
Grandpa's Rocking Chair
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
Blonde Inventions
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy escape from prision
A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants s**..., do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!
"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
Stiff....
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
A trip to the dentist
A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits down in the chair, pulls down her pants and spreads her legs. The dentist says to her, "I think you've got the wrong place. The gynecologist's office is upstairs." The woman says back, "No mistake. You put my husband's dentures in, and now you're gonna get them out."
A man sits at a bar...
...After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough. He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground. After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.
The next morning his wife says to him in the bed.
"You were in the bar last night."
"How did you know?"
"The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."
A student visits his teacher man early in the morning
And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee.
"Sure, I'll take a mug of joe," says the student.
The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags.
"The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud??"
"Well," the professor replies, "it was ground just this morning."
A man walks into a job interview...
He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale".
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".
The Priest and the Politician
A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...
"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."
A koala walks into a barber shop
A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A prisoner escaped..
And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...
...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did h**... call his recliner?
Mein Kampf-y Chair.
A Instagram user walks into a bar...
A Instagram user walks into a #bar #pub #brewery #happyhour #bigplace #beer #night #party #fun #photography #conceptual #art #drink #peperoni #olives #lights #table #chair #followme
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always get nervous before injections so I shut my eyes.
I usually end up stabbing the chair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....
He's called to the chair.
'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.
'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.
Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
'That's right, p**... - tell them nothing!'
Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something.
So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A midget and a man are on a bus
The two of them sit next to each other.
When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.
Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.
On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:
"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"
The midget replies:
"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."
My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:
"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"
"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."
"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."
My 10-month old
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, Straighten her up.
I looked at my daughter and said, What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up.
My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You have been charged guilty for clickbait, and will now have to use the electric chair
What happens next will shock you
I dated a girl in a wheel chair once.
it was a tough relationship tho. Have you ever heard the saying "If you love her then let her go, and if she comes back then it was meant to be"?
Well don't let her go on a hill by a lake, cause she don't come back
God is talking with the presidents.
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good, says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
What's the difference between a gentleman and a gay gentleman?
A gentleman pulls his date's chair out for her. A gay gentleman pushes his date's stool in.
I bought my mother in law a chair for her birthday...
But my wife wouldn't let me plug it in.
My dad hanged himself recently. We decided to set up a committee in his honour.
However, we thought it would be inappropriate to have a chair.
A paralyzed man got a new set of legs from a death row inmate.
Don't worry, the other guy got the chair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...
"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad: What has 4 legs and isn't alive?
Me: You can't fool me dad! Its a chair!
Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog's dead
Once upon a time
...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most priceless possession.
Now in this community it was c
How was your job interview yesterday?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??
The Last Exam
(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.
That's a lot of zeros
An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:
"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.
Then he composes himself and says:
Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. 1 holds the lightbulb and the other turns the chair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you ever had a leg cramp ruin s**...?
I'm sitting on the chair when my cramps up and I Yelp so loud that my wife and her boyfriend stop having s**.... They look at me and say "how long have you been there?" And I say "The whole time! I'm the one making this video."
A kid asked his father What is dark humor?
The Dad responds with See that man in the wheel chair, tell him to stand up. And the kid's only response was But dad I'm blind.
A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.
On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.
Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.
They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.
So, they let him go because he was such a poor conductor.
Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn't alive?
Little Timmy: haha it's a chair nice try gra-
Grandpa:it's your dog Timmy he's dead
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paul was having dinner with his family when suddenly his elder daughter rose from the chair and said, "I have a confession to make.I'm a lesbian ."
Paul smiles and says, "Congratulations. I will still love you nonetheless."
Suddenly his younger daughter says ," Dad, I'm a lesbian too."
Paul begrudgingly exclaims , " Does nobody in this family likes d**...?"
His son says,"I do."
It's my cake day or something, Here's a dad joke :)
A blind man walks into a bar,
And then a table,
And then a chair.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."
The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."
The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"
"Start? Today's the last day."
I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.
We walked through the door and I handed him our card:
"Barney. Talking dog."
The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."
"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"
"Rough."
"What goes on top of a house?"
"Roof."
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth."
Just then the agent grabbed us both and tossed us out into the street.
Barney was just sitting there, looking forlornly at the ground and shaking his head.
"Knew I should have said Hank Aaron."
A man an a boy walk into a barbershop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.
I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
A man walks into a bar
And pulls out a small piano, a small chair, and a small man. Theman walks over to the piano and starts playing it.
Everyone in the bar is amazed. They ask the man how he did it.
There's a genie outside granting wishes, says the man.
Upon hearing this, one of the bar patrons runs out of the bar and asks the genie, Are you granting wishes?
The genie says yes, so the man asks, give me a million bucks! And bam! A million ducks appear.
The guy goes back into the bar and says, hey! That genie is deaf!
The other guys replies, yeah, I know. Do you think i'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?
Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 b**...
He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...
"Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 b**...".
The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...
"WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no b**..."?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a chair that smokes w**...?
A high chair!
I literally just last week realized there is no such thing as "the heavy end" 🤦
I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.
And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭
The executioner asks for any last words:
A man is sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asks for any last words.
The man sitting in the chair responds: "I won't be shocked if this dosen't work"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor asked for a stool sample....
...and got mad at me when I handed him a tiny chair. Now I'm banned from the doctors office and still don't know why I'm p**... out furniture.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An old man is put into a nursing home by his daughter...
He sits in the common lounge room and leans to the left.
A nurse aide runs over and stops him from falling from his chair and straitens him up.
A few minutes later He starts leaning to the right - but again a nurse aide runs over and straitens him up.
Later, his daughter calls in to see how he is settling.
I quite like this place he says but they don't let you f**......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy came home to his best friend and wife in bed
He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"
He said, "It could have been worse"
He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"
He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get the electric chair. You tell me it could have been worse?"
He said, "Yeah, baby. It could have been worse."
He said, "What you mean?"
He said, "h**..., if you'd have came Thursday instead of Friday, you'd have gotten me too"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest".
The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy"
