Because there's so many Links
Her favorite jewellery is the food chain
This morning we synthesised a new protein chain
Guess who's getting laid tonight.
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."
He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.
Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"
Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."
He notices another gentleman walking down the sidewalk towards him dragging a long chain behind him.
He says to the man, "Excuse me sir, but why on earth are your dragging that long chain down the road?"
The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a chain down the road?"
I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.
A man in a Porsche pulls up next to him and offers him a ride. They try to fit the hippy's bike into the trunk of the man's Porche, but as it is a typical sports car, the trunk is too small for the bike. Then the man has an idea. He says to the hippy, "I have some rope in my trunk, you can tie it to your bike and I'll drive you along. If I'm going to fast, just honk the horn on your bike." The hippy agrees to go along with it and they ride a few miles down the rode. The man in the Porsche pulls up to a stop light next a man in a Lamborghini. They start revving their engine and a race is about to ensue. The light turns green and the man in the Porsche completely forgets about the hippy tied to his car and starts racing the Lamborghini. They're racing and start reaching 80, 90, 100 m.p.h. They pass a cop and when the cop calls the race in he says, "Dispatch you'll never believe what I just saw. I saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the road at 100 miles per hour, and a hippy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass them."
...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.
The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the seven hundred trees the ad said it would.
"Well," said the salesman, "let's test it out back."
Finding a log, the salesman pulls the starter cord and the saw makes a great roaring sound.
"What's that noise?" asks the guy.
a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.
It's called Burka King.
Apparently they're having such a hard time filling office space in the new Freedom Tower, they've opened it up to big chain department stores...
Just what America needs — another Target.
and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"
A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.
The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...".
so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.
It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum where there were patients out on the grounds behind a chain link fence. one of the patients saw the commotion and came to the fence and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had lost his lugnuts and couldn't mount the spare.
"just take one lugnut off of each of the other three tires. that will at least get you where you need to go, then you can get replacement nuts later." the patient suggested.
"that's actually really brilliant. thank you" the man said.
"yeah, well I'm in here because I'm crazy, not stupid"
They meet a saint watching the gate, who tells them, "You are all welcome in Heaven. Just do not step on any ducks."
And so they walk in, and the moment they get in, the first man steps on a duck. Then, suddenly, there is a chain on his arm, and on the other end is an incredibly grotesque woman, smelling to the point of being comparable to a harpy. The saint says, "This is your wife, now and for all of eternity.
A few years pass, and the other two are doing just fine. Then, the second man, waking up, rolls over and stands up - "QUACK!" Straight onto a duck. Another woman, even more horrible and smelly than the last is chained to him. "This is your wife, now and for all eternity."
More years pass, and eventually, the saint appears, along with a chain on his arm. On the other end is a woman more beautiful than any he had ever seen. He asks the saint, "Why? I never stepped on a duck."
The woman pipes up, "I did."
It was his last resort.
One of the best things about having a cat is that when you hear noises at night you can just think, "Oh, must be the cat," and go back to sleep. Why, just last night my cat dragged what must have been a large chain around the house moaning, "All who have desecrated this land must die." ...so cute.
Or is that rude to the ball and chain?
I said to myself "That was a little condescending"
because they're... off the chain.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
She's atrophy wife now.
...since I didn't forward that mail chain that got me bad luck. It's on now
WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.
I eat her every night.
I just wanted to know some chain jokes, doesn't matter any kind. I have 1 but that's really all I know:
Q: Why did little Suzy get run over by a car?
A: She had no arms or legs!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not little Suzy
I'm gonna turn nfsw on just in case :/
Whoops, wrong sub
Shorten the chain from the kitchen
Made her chain too long.
An acapellago.
He was having a logistical nightmare.
He worked his way up the food chain.
Little seizures
Although sources will not outright name the chain for legal purposes, they did say the stores have painted a giant target upon themselves.
They both only work with a chain on.
They're going to be serving Sausages, Brats, Anne Franks.
Yo mama so fat chain lightning hit her twice.
Yo mama so fat, when she logged in for first time she got the World Explorer achievement.
Yo mama so fat, she caused the Cataclysm by running to a buffet sale.
Yo mama so fat, she's immune to Death Knight's Death Grip.
Yo mama's so fat, it takes a 10 man raid of warlocks to summon her.
It was off the chain.
She's the Texas Chain Store Massager
Call it the Zelda chain because it has so many Links
I mean, who wants to order the "Arbeit Macht Fries"?
A white dude wearing a gold chain
The incy wincy conrade
Was tugging at his chain
About rights of workers
He complain
The secret police
Am get order to restrain
And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again
Without chain they won't work
Everytime I yawned in class, I'd set off a chain reaction.
because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'
A Daisy chain.
A deep nap
So what if the whole Hilary/Trump presidential race is a result of of that last guy who didn't forward that chain mail causing the end of the world...
and becomes a Galapaghost.
Neither work when the chain comes off.
As many you can use to make a long chain.
Fools gold
... he was very upset!
Ramadamadan.
Because they don't deliver.
They both stop working when the chain comes off.
I guess you can call it a chainsaw massacre.
I'll walk my self out now...
For free. Now it costs $200 an hour.
The knight asks her: "Is this my new chest plate?"
She replies: "Sorry my dear, it's just a chain mail."
What's the difference between a slaves and snow tires? Snow tires don't sing when you put a chain around them.
Because everyone hates chain mail.
The bike doesn't start singing when you put a chain on it.
You made her chain to long.
A chain and an auctioneer.
A Pteradactyl
The first involves hitting uranium with accelerated protons. The second is mentioning Hillary and Feminism in one sentence.
But the agoraphobic society want to stay in.
Well not in this one but maybe in the udder one
French flies
Mcribbit
Chicken leg
I don't think he really understands how to make chain mail
We're calling it Send Noodz.
Taco Liquidators.
But Louis CK is not the master baker she thinks he is.
They plan for the chain to be 6 ft long.
So many patches!
Mary chain
"Hi, I'm Billy"
"Chaim Potok"
"Nice to meet you Potok"
"Nice to meet you Chaim"
at 2:15, 4:30, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.
David Letterman
Premier Inn.
He got his dangling modifier stuck in the chain.
Her parents won't allow him to marry her unless he converts to islam. The man goes to see the sheikh and is told that he has to circumcise. He reluctantly agrees and gets married.
A month later, the man is walking down Hamra street, with a gold chain around his neck attached to a crucifix on his chest. The sheikh sees him and the crucifix and stops him to say: "My son what are you doing? you are a muslim now. why are you wearing that cross on your chest?".
The man looks at him and says: "Well you know sheikh, I thought that with the country being unstable, if I were to get killed and I go up to heaven and find that Jesus is there, I would unbutton my shirt and show him the crucifix. He might be merciful and allow me in".
The sheikh is quiet for a while, then he asks: "But my son, what would happen if you find that Muhammad is up there?".
The man says: "I will unbutton my trousers and show him my..."
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