Certified Jokes
23 certified jokes and hilarious certified puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about certified that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get your daily dose of certified certified jokes! From certified lover boys, to certified public accountants, to forklift certified and CPR certified, we have jokes for every kind of certified. And don't forget about fitness, communications, and agriculture! Enjoy a few laughs and get certified with us.
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Funniest Certified Short Jokes
Short certified jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The certified humour may include short qualified jokes also.
- Voting results have just been certified at my house My wife will remain in charge for another four years
- Wife: Our Disney certified stroller fits through all openings Dad: Yep, it's Universal
This interaction occurred as we left our Disney hotel room heading to the bus to EPCOT. - I would never vaccinate my own child because of all the complications Thats why I leave it to the certified medical professionals to do it.
- Samsung announced today a new line of Galaxy phones that are certified to be water resistant... It's nice to know that you won't be able to put out the flames once they catch fire.
- Experts now bringing in Ozzy Osbourne to assess the Amtrak derailment in Washington As he is certified on going off the rails on a crazy train.
- A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
- The neighbours dog has jumped up into my garden so much that he's totally destroyed the fence. Figured here's the best place to get it fixed as everyone is a certified reposter.
- I saw a commercial this afternoon advertising a "certified diabetic shoe fitter." I really hope he remembers to take his insulin.
- Which film do certified shrinks enjoy viewing with their wives who can't bear children? Honey I shrunk the kids
- What do Network+ certified dogs say? "Address Resolution Protocol! Address Resolution Protocol!"
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Certified One Liners
Which certified one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with certified? I can suggest the ones about certificate and assured.
- What do you call a lawyer who is forklift certified? A shyster on a Hyster!
- All pirates medics were required to be certified in C. P. ARRRRRR.
- How do carpenters get certified? They take a board exam
- Why did the plank lose his job? He wasn't board certified
- How can you tell if your farmer is a certified gangster? His cornrows are always straight
- What do you call a certified fish? oFISHal
- How do you get certified as an interior decorator? You don't pull out
- I saved a there life of a sheep today... It's a good thing I am certified in Sheep R
Howlingly Hilarious Certified Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about certified you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean proven jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make certified pranks.
A taste of what my wife has to deal with
My wife was stepping on my back and she suddenly asked "How do dominatrixs not kill people when they do this with stilettos. Do they have to get certified or classes?"
I told her "The only certification for d**... is a master's degree"
Top tier groan in response.
if your little ladies not so little anymore...
you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat b**...'ll be thirty-five miles away
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
A doctor changes Careers.
A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.
He takes test, and waits for his score.
He gets a 150 out 100. He calls the instructor to find out why he scored it that way.
The instructor says " Well you got 50 points for Diagnosing the issue correctly, 50 points for rebuilding the engine correctly, and 50 points for doing it all thru the exhaust manifold.
A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate
A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"
