Certificate Jokes
55 certificate jokes and hilarious certificate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about certificate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some light laughter? Check out our roundup of humorous jokes about certificates! From birth certificates to SSL certificates, hourly consultations and more, these jokes are sure to bring a chuckle. See which ones you can verify for yourself!
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Funniest Certificate Short Jokes
Short certificate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The certificate humour may include short confirmation jokes also.
- I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.
- I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. He calls it my birth certificate.
- How is marriage and cpr training the same? You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
- A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for.
He replies, "oh just the expiration date!" - Someone was handing out certificates for a free karate Lesson at the mall yesterday He told me I could only Taek Won Do
- I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate - I was part of a group project With my wife.
I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate. - You KNOW you are a true 90's kid whenever your birth certificate states you were born between 1990 and 1999...
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Certificate One Liners
Which certificate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with certificate? I can suggest the ones about approval and confidence.
- I am a professional counterfeiter. I even have the certificates to prove it.
- I am a master at forgery I have all the certificates to prove it
- You're so ugly... your birth certificate is a letter of apology.
- What can turn a fox into an elephant? A marriage certificate.
- yo mamma so old, that on her birth certificate says 'EXPIRED' on it.
- Your birth certificate It was sent to your parents as a sorry letter
- Want to know when you die? Check the expiration date on your birth certificate.....
- How do you conifer? You swipe its birch certificate and steal its identitree.
- Yo momma is so old that on her birth certificate it said expired on it.
- Yo momma is so old, her birth certificate says "EXPIRED."
- Chris Rea just got his scuba certification Diving home for christmas
- After a 40$ fee, I got a certificate that says i can never be scammed online again!
- TIL Pat Mccrory doesn't have a gender specified on his birth certificate It's Pat!
- Yo momma's so old, she has Roman Numerals on her birth certificate.
- Birth certificate Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the c**... factory
Birth Certificate Jokes
Here is a list of funny birth certificate jokes and even better birth certificate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Yo' momma's so old Her birth certificate expired.
I thought of this one a while ago. If it already exists, tell me. - A birth certificate is an apology from the government that you are now indentured and a social security number that you are no longer a sovereign.
- Your mum is so old... Inspired by u/Hilmekru's you mom is so far joke
Your mum is so old her birth certificate can be found in a series of cave paintings. - Did you know that Karen has a special birth-certificate? So do I! When I was born Durex sent an apology letter to my parents!
- Buy passports,drivers licenses,ID cards,birth certificates,diplomas,Visas,SSN,Marriage certificates,divorce papers,US green cards
- Yo mamma so ugly that her birth certificate came with an apology letter from the c**... factory.
- Yo momma's so ugly that your birth certificate was an apology letter from the t**... man.
- My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the c**... company…
Cheerful Fun Certificate Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about certificate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean checker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make certificate pranks.
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient
"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't" said the doctor.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not" the doctor said.
"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."
"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
A taste of what my wife has to deal with
My wife was stepping on my back and she suddenly asked "How do dominatrixs not kill people when they do this with stilettos. Do they have to get certified or classes?"
I told her "The only certification for d**... is a master's degree"
Top tier groan in response.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.
It's proven Provence province provenance.
The consultant dies and goes to heaven
When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:
'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'
'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'
'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.
'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'
A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.
He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.
"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but they needed names for the birth certificates, so I had to name them."
Father says, "That's not bad news. I trust you. What did you name the girl?"
"Deniece."
"Oh, that's a beautiful name! I knew I could trust you. What did you name the boy?"
"Denephew"
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
birthday
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Brainless Lawyers
In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
I recently received a certificate for the breast s**....
Although the Judge called it a restraining order.
Dark pickup lines
Are you s**...?
Because I think about you every day.
Are you the s**... hotline?
Because I need to get your number.
Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.
Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.
Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.
Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.
Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.
So a husband and a wife are talking...
Wife: "What are you doing."
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You have been starring at our marriage certificate for hours!"
Husband: "Ok, I'm looking for an expiration date."
I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary
I wrote that she can have great s**... anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she'll be back in a couple of hours.
Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"
Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."
Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"
Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."
*squints and looks at paper*
"...Margret."
Defense!
In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!
It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...
These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.
Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers
Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors
Law students shouldn't call themselves lawyers
Business school students shouldn't call themselves minions
And Art students certainly shouldn't call themselves baristas or waiters...
Marriage certificate
A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, What are you looking for?
He replied, The expiration date.
