The Best 38 Certificate Jokes

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Birth certificate

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

So a husband and a wife are talking...

Wife: "What are you doing."
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You have been starring at our marriage certificate for hours!"
Husband: "Ok, I'm looking for an expiration date."

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

I just applied for my medical marijuana certificate.

Reason: Joint pain.

A teacher had given his class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

You're so ugly...

your birth certificate is a letter of apology.

What can turn a fox into an elephant?

A marriage certificate.

TIL Pat Mccrory doesn't have a gender specified on his birth certificate

It's Pat!

Brainless Lawyers

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke.

Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife...

She asks him what he's looking for.

He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

Yo' momma's so old

Her birth certificate expired.

I thought of this one a while ago. If it already exists, tell me.

How do you conifer?

You swipe its birch certificate and steal its identitree.

Want to know when you die?

Check the expiration date on your birth certificate.....

Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squints and looks at paper*

"...Margret."

Your birth certificate

It was sent to your parents as a sorry letter

I was part of a group project

With my wife.

I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.

After a 40$ fee, I got a certificate that says i can never be scammed online again!

Marriage certificate

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, What are you looking for?
He replied, The expiration date.

Your mum is so old...

Inspired by u/Hilmekru's you mom is so far joke

Your mum is so old her birth certificate can be found in a series of cave paintings.

I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary

I wrote that she can have great sex anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she'll be back in a couple of hours.

A guy and a girl are lying in bed after a hookup.

"Listen," the guy says, "do you have that certificate that says you don't have STDs?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well you can throw that away"

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

​

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

A wife asks her husband if she's gotten fat during quarantine.

The husband replies you weren't that skinny to begin with .

The death certificate said time of death was 1035pm, cause of death was covid.

You KNOW you are a true 90's kid

whenever your birth certificate states you were born between 1990 and 1999...

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions

1. ⁠My credit card number
2. ⁠My social security number
3. ⁠Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

A man goes to the chemist's

M: I would like 3 boxes of Xanax, please.

C: Sorry sir, you need a medical prescription for that.

M: I've got a wedding certificate.

C: That will do.

Dark pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.

Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.

Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.

Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.

Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.

Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.

"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse

"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

Defense!

​

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!

Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

A Great Birthday Idea

A guy doesn't know what to get his wife for her birthday, so he makes up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. He thinks she will be thrilled.

He gives it to her and asks if she likes it.

"Oh yes!" She says as she jumps up, thanks him, kisses him on the forehead, and runs out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"