Certificate Jokes
46 certificate jokes and hilarious certificate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about certificate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some light laughter? Check out our roundup of humorous jokes about certificates! From birth certificates to SSL certificates, hourly consultations and more, these jokes are sure to bring a chuckle. See which ones you can verify for yourself!
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Funniest Certificate Short Jokes
Short certificate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The certificate humour may include short confirmation jokes also.
- I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.
- My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. He calls it my birth certificate.
- How is marriage and cpr training the same? You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
- A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for.
He replies, "oh just the expiration date!" - Someone was handing out certificates for a free karate Lesson at the mall yesterday He told me I could only Taek Won Do
- I was part of a group project With my wife.
I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate. - You KNOW you are a true 90's kid whenever your birth certificate states you were born between 1990 and 1999...
- "I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse "When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"
- A man goes to the chemist's M: I would like 3 boxes of Xanax, please.
C: Sorry sir, you need a medical prescription for that.
M: I've got a wedding certificate.
C: That will do.
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Certificate One Liners
Which certificate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with certificate? I can suggest the ones about approval and confidence.
- I am a professional counterfeiter. I even have the certificates to prove it.
- Your birth certificate It was sent to your parents as a sorry letter
- Want to know when you die? Check the expiration date on your birth certificate.....
- How do you conifer? You swipe its birch certificate and steal its identitree.
- Chris Rea just got his scuba certification Diving home for christmas
- After a 40$ fee, I got a certificate that says i can never be scammed online again!
- TIL Pat Mccrory doesn't have a gender specified on his birth certificate It's Pat!
- Birth certificate Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the c**... factory
- yo mamma so old, that on her birth certificate says 'EXPIRED' on it.
- Yo momma's so ugly that your birth certificate was an apology letter from the t**... man.
- I just applied for my medical m**... certificate. Reason: Joint pain.
Birth Certificate Jokes
Here is a list of funny birth certificate jokes and even better birth certificate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A birth certificate is an apology from the government that you are now indentured and a social security number that you are no longer a sovereign.
- Did you know that Karen has a special birth-certificate? So do I! When I was born Durex sent an apology letter to my parents!
- Buy passports,drivers licenses,ID cards,birth certificates,diplomas,Visas,SSN,Marriage certificates,divorce papers,US green cards
Cheerful Fun Certificate Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about certificate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean checker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make certificate pranks.
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient
"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't" said the doctor.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not" the doctor said.
"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."
"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A taste of what my wife has to deal with
My wife was stepping on my back and she suddenly asked "How do dominatrixs not kill people when they do this with stilettos. Do they have to get certified or classes?"
I told her "The only certification for d**... is a master's degree"
Top tier groan in response.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.
It's proven Provence province provenance.
The consultant dies and goes to heaven
When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:
'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'
'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'
'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.
'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'
A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.
He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.
"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but they needed names for the birth certificates, so I had to name them."
Father says, "That's not bad news. I trust you. What did you name the girl?"
"Deniece."
"Oh, that's a beautiful name! I knew I could trust you. What did you name the boy?"
"Denephew"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
birthday
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brainless Lawyers
In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently received a certificate for the breast s**....
Although the Judge called it a restraining order.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dark pickup lines
Are you s**...?
Because I think about you every day.
Are you the s**... hotline?
Because I need to get your number.
Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.
Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.
Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.
Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.
Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.
So a husband and a wife are talking...
Wife: "What are you doing."
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You have been starring at our marriage certificate for hours!"
Husband: "Ok, I'm looking for an expiration date."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary
I wrote that she can have great s**... anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she'll be back in a couple of hours.
Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"
Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."
Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"
Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."
*squints and looks at paper*
"...Margret."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Defense!
In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!
It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...
These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.
Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers
Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors
Law students shouldn't call themselves lawyers
Business school students shouldn't call themselves minions
And Art students certainly shouldn't call themselves baristas or waiters...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man tells his friend, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
The man sighed. "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Great Birthday Idea
A guy doesn't know what to get his wife for her birthday, so he makes up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., any way she wants it. He thinks she will be thrilled.
He gives it to her and asks if she likes it.
"Oh yes!" She says as she jumps up, thanks him, kisses him on the forehead, and runs out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"
