Certificate Jokes

What are some Certificate jokes?

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife...

She asks him what he's looking for.

He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"

birthday

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Birthday sex

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

Why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved and took a spoonful of the medicine. Then he invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. Then she asked, "What was the '1-2-3' for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Grammer is important

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Brainless Lawyers

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke.

Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

A lawyer was questioning a doctor...

A lawyer was cross-examining a doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," the doctor said."I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.
"No I did not," the doctor said.
"So," said the lawyer,"When you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

So a husband and a wife are talking...

Wife: "What are you doing."
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You have been starring at our marriage certificate for hours!"
Husband: "Ok, I'm looking for an expiration date."

I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary

I wrote that she can have great sex anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she'll be back in a couple of hours.

Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squints and looks at paper*

"...Margret."

I was part of a group project

With my wife.

I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.

You're so ugly...

your birth certificate is a letter of apology.

Marriage certificate

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, What are you looking for?
He replied, The expiration date.

What can turn a fox into an elephant?

A marriage certificate.

Birth certificate

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

A teacher had given his class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A guy and a girl are lying in bed after a hookup.

"Listen," the guy says, "do you have that certificate that says you don't have STDs?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well you can throw that away"

Yo' momma's so old

Her birth certificate expired.




I thought of this one a while ago. If it already exists, tell me.

Want to know when you die?

Check the expiration date on your birth certificate.....

How do you conifer?

You swipe its birch certificate and steal its identitree.

Your birth certificate

It was sent to your parents as a sorry letter

I just applied for my medical marijuana certificate.

Reason: Joint pain.

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