Ceremony Jokes

Johny is the first day in jail in the cell with one mighty and a crazy prisoner and this crazy prisoner tells Johny: "You probably do not know that on the first day must every new prisoner must pass over the so-called welcome´s ceremonial. Ok, so I ask you directly. Do you want it with cream or without the cream?"
Johny says: "I want it with creme, of course."
The crazy prisoner yells and says: "Cremo, come here, please."

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

For anyone attending Stan Lee's f**......

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was alright, but the reception was fantastic!

Two satellite dishes met on a roof...

They hit it off and decided to get married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was great!

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

Two antennas got married.

The ceremony was nothing to write home about, but the reception was outstanding.

After performing a marriage ceremony, the Rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds.

"The first ten years are always the hardest," said the Rabbi.
"How many years have you been married?" They asked.
"Ten years," the Rabbi replied.

Did you hear about the two radio antennae who fell in love and decided to get married?

The ceremony was okay, but the reception was excellent.

Two antennas met on a rooftop...

...they fell in love and got married. I heard the ceremony was pretty average... but the reception was excellent!

What is the worst joke you have ever Heard?

I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke

Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*
How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?

There once was a pastor who was in support of gay rights, but refused to preform gay marriage ceremonies.

People kept asking him, "If you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?"

How do people finish graduating from a Journalist school? They have to answer one last question. That question is "how do you do an excellent article?"

And the graduate answers "well, I think you press ctrl-c."
"Yes, go on," says the teacher.
"Then you press ctrl-v," says the graduate.
Five minutes later it's the graduation ceremony.

Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?

They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

Two antennas met on a roof...

they fell in love, and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was excellent.

A man passes away...

A man passes away and his f**... is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.
"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"

My son said he was touched by the priest at todays religious service

I was there too, it was a beautiful ceremony

Two antennas met on a roof...

After a while they fell in love and in a few years time the antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."

Donald Trump had a record amount of religious leaders participate in his inaugural ceremony including: a priest, a deacon, and....

one hundred million people saying "god help us"

Two antennas get married . . .

. . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding

Reception

-An antenna and a satellite dish meet on a roof. The get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

Marriage ceremonies are a lot shorter in Texas

Because the wife doesn't have to change her surname.

2 antennas met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible!

"I do." "I know."

The priest cleared his t**... disapprovingly:
"Mister Solo, you need to say the words so we can end the ceremony."

What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

Why do melons hold the traditional ceremony of marriage in such high regard?

Because they can't elope.

Millions of people tuned in attentively to the world's best music last night.

And everyone at the Grammy's were able to too after the ceremony was over.

What did the South Korean flag holder say to the North Korean holder after the ceremony?

Hey, let's grab some lunch! I bet you're starving!

Two antennas sat next to each other on a roof for years

They fall in love and decide to get married.
The ceremony was not very good.
The reception was *fantastic*.

Two Antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and decide to get married

The ceremony wasn't much. But the the RECEPTION was amazing!

Two melons are sitting in a field, talking about how much they love each other...

The first melon talks about how it wants a great big wedding, and how all their fruit and vegetable friends will be there to celebrate. The other melon wants them to run away together and have a 4-H judge do a quick ceremony. They argue passionately back and forth, when exasperated the second melon asks, "why do we even need to have a wedding?" The first melon replies, "don't be silly honey, we cantaloupe."

I went to the marriage of two satellites last night

The ceremony was dull, but the reception was great.

On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.

I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.
All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.
"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love my wedding's peach!"

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

Two Irishmen leave a f**...

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma...

...I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends.

A joke that only Jews will get.

A Jewish man is getting married to a nonreligious woman. His religion is important to him so she agrees to have a Jewish wedding. The ceremony goes well, and all that's left is for the groom to break the glass. He steps on the glass, and it breaks in such a way that it slices his foot right through the shoe. He's bleeding badly.
The bride screams "Oh no he's hurt! Is anyone here a doctor?"

The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret.

She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony wasn't anything special, but the reception was incredible!

Two antennas met on a roof...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

True Rosh Hashanah story

This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?

s**... went down

Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.

He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.
After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"

The Prince of Wales and the Duke of Edinburgh

The recent death of the Duke of Edinburgh reminded me of the time that Prince Charles went to open a school in Brixton in London. The Prince's speech went well, but people were distracted by his headwear, which was a Davey Crockett-type hat made from fox fur, with the fox's tail hanging down at the back. After the ceremony the headmaster thanked Charles and said, "I couldn't help noticing what you were wearing on your head ...?"
"Ah yes", said Charles, "That was Daddy's idea. He asked where I was going today, then he said 'Brixton? Wear the fox hat'".

Two professors were at an award ceremony.

An interviewer approached them.
"Sorry to ask but everyone has been wondering, which one of you is cleverer?"
The first professor smiled modestly.
"I don't want to boast. But i also don't want to be dishonest...."
The second professor interrupted
"And yet you've managed to do both!"

I'm not in favor of s**... before marriage

disrupts the ceremony