Ceremony Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod...

The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.

Two antennas fell in love..

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Did you hear about the antenna that got married?

The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!

Two antennas decided to get married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two antennas got married

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle.

But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around during the ceremony.

Did you guys hear about the two cellphone towers that got married?

It was a nice ceremony, but the reception was *amazing.*

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'

'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"

"We're from the groom's family."

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.


She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.


As they are walking, the husband cries out, Watch out for the fucking wall!

2 antennas met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible!

At a wedding ceremony last Saturday

At a wedding ceremony last saturday, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the two.
All hell broke loose when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front. Everybody was surprised and the bride fainted.
The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.
The woman replied "we can't hear at the back".

A man passes away...

A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.

"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"

Two antennas met on a roof

and got married. The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.

A young religious couple is about to get married

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.

"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.

While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."

"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Millions of people tuned in attentively to the world's best music last night.

And everyone at the Grammy's were able to too after the ceremony was over.

Five cannibals get hired

Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Vice Presidents, Corporate Lawyers, and Regional Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

Two satellite dishes met on a roof...

They hit it off and decided to get married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was great!

Marriage counseling

Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'

'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.'

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'

'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'

'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'

'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allahu Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!'

'What about different positions?' asks the man.

'Allahu Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.

'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.

'Sure,' says the Mullah.

'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'

'Doggy style?'

'Sure! Allahu Akbar!'

'On the kitchen table?'

'Yes, yes! Allahu Akbar!'

'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?'

'You may indeed.. Allahu Akbar!'

'Can we do it standing up?'

'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.

'Why not?' asks the man.

'Because that could lead to dancing!'

A dude suddenly found out that his wife was having an affair..

.. but before he could talk about it with her she suddenly died in a freak accident. As the person with whom she was having the affair was a neighbourhood guy, the husband also invited him at the funeral ceremony.

At the ceremony the husband somehow was in control of himself but the lover was inconsolable and finally broke down completely. The husband could not contain himself any further, he went to the guy, patted him on the shoulder, hugged him, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Don't worry mate, I am going to marry again soon."

Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?

They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

*

I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

*


So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

*

My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

*


I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

*


As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

*

Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

*

7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

Dancing?

A Muslim couple in Prestatyn, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.

But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.

Absolutely not, says the Mullah. It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.

So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?

No, answered the Mullah, It's forbidden in Islam.


Well, okay, says the man, What about sex? Can we finally have sex?2

Of course! replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!

What about different positions? asks the man.

No problem, says the Mullah.

Woman on top? the man asks.

Sure, says the Mullah. Go for it!

Doggy style?

Sure!

On the kitchen table?

Yes, yes!

Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?

You may indeed!

Can we do it standing up?

No. says the Mullah.

Why not? asks the man.

It could lead to dancing.

note :

In a lot of religions men can only dance with men, and not with women, not even their wives..... WTF!!!!

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was alright, but the reception was fantastic!

Two antennas get married . . .

. . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding

Several hundred years ago...

Several hundred years ago, two rival villages would meet annually to compete in a religious ceremony. Both villages would send forth their strongest, fastest male to compete against the other - which involved climbing up a cliff to claim a cross-shaped stone. Legend had it that the cross, a symbol of luck and fertility, would bring good fortune on whichever village owned it.


The day came, and each village met at the cliff.


"Our representative, Tom Smith, is young and fit, and will surely bring us the symbol." claimed the first mayor.


"No, our fighter, Tom Jameson, is faster and stronger! The symbol is ours!"


The race began. Both men scrambled up the cliff side at an equal pace, eventually reaching the top at the same time. Both grabbed the cross simultaneously, each trying to wrestle it from the other.


"The symbol is ours!" cried Tom Smith.


"No! The symbol belongs to our village!" shouted Tom Jameson.


Both edged closer and closer to the cliff face, and in one violent motion, both Tom's and the symbol fell over the edge, smashing into the rocks below.


BA-BOOM-CHSSSHHH

Two antennas sat next to each other on a roof for years

They fall in love and decide to get married.

The ceremony was not very good.

The reception was *fantastic*.

Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says 'you will be careful won't you?'

The young hubby is a bit confused and asks 'Why?'

She explains that she is still a virgin

He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storms out of the room.

At home his mother is surprised to see him back so early and asks 'what's up son?'

He says 'she's a virgin Maw'

The mother says 'you done did right boy… if she's not good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours'

I can't describe how disappointed I am...

...that the Congo weren't in single file in the Olympic Opening Ceremony

Did you hear about the antennas that got married?

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A man and his husband walk into a local church...

A man and his husband walk into a local church, holding hands and being affectionate during the entire ceremony, to the ire of one of the elderly choir women.

Once it has finished, she approaches the two men and quotes from the bible:

>"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men will inherit the kingdom of God"

The man, taken aback, retorts with:

>"Women are to be silent in the churches. They are not permitted to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says."

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony was ok, but the reception was outstanding!

Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

Two antennas get married…

The ceremony was ok,
But the reception was great!

Two antennas got married. Wedding ceremony was a disaster.

But reception was really good.

Why did the farmer get nominated for an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why didn't the farmer make it to the award ceremony?
Because he was out standing in his field.

Two antennae got married...

The ceremony was alright, but the reception was GREAT!

Two antennas got married.

The ceremony was nothing to write home about, but the reception was outstanding.

What did the South Korean flag holder say to the North Korean holder after the ceremony?

Hey, let's grab some lunch! I bet you're starving!

Two antennas met on a roof...

they fell in love, and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was excellent.

Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love...

They date for awhile, get engaged, and then get married. The wedding ceremony itself wasn't that great, but the reception was amazing!

Two antennas met on a roof...

After a while they fell in love and in a few years time the antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!

Genie grants a wish...

One day a Russian guy, Oleg, finds a lamp. As soon as he rubs it a genie pops up and says:
- You saved me, so wish whatever you want, and it will be granted.
- Whenever I pee, turn it to vodka.
And, it happens.
He goes home and asks his wife to bring two glasses, tells what had happened and they both enjoy the vodka. They repeat the ceremony for following couple of days.
One night, as he comes home, asks for a glass.
His wife curiously asks :
- Are you going to drink without me?
Oleg answers:
- Of course not, you'll drink from the bottle.

I had my wedding under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great but the reception was excellent.

(watching a video)

Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

I was at a wedding the other day..

And after the main ceremony this man came up to me "wow you look stunning" he said "great ass, mmm nice skin, lovely body" i blush and sniggle a little as he reches and pinches my ass. My face all red and a hot flush comes over me and i say "Ohh, father i bet you say that to all the choir boys"

Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The cannibals promise not to bother the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny any knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand rise hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything. Why you just had to go and eat the cleaner?!"

Antenna's Wedding

Two antennas got married. The ceremony was awful but the reception was awesome.

My son said he was touched by the priest at todays religious service

I was there too, it was a beautiful ceremony

On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.

I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.

All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.

"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love my wedding's peach!"

Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?

He didn't believe in golden globes.

What is the worst joke you have ever Heard?

I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

"I do." "I know."

The priest cleared his throat disapprovingly:

"Mister Solo, you need to say the words so we can end the ceremony."

2 Antennas got married recently

The ceremony was shit, but the reception was just great

After performing a marriage ceremony, the Rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds.

"The first ten years are always the hardest," said the Rabbi.

"How many years have you been married?" They asked.

"Ten years," the Rabbi replied.

I once went to a Japanese Tea ceremony...

It was steeped in tradition.

I didn't know what to wear to the graduation ceremony of my premature ejaculation course....

So I came in my boxers.

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

Why do melons hold the traditional ceremony of marriage in such high regard?

Because they can't elope.

Two antennas met on a rooftop...

...they fell in love and got married. I heard the ceremony was pretty average... but the reception was excellent!

A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke

Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*

How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?

How do people finish graduating from a Journalist school? They have to answer one last question. That question is "how do you do an excellent article?"

And the graduate answers "well, I think you press ctrl-c."
"Yes, go on," says the teacher.
"Then you press ctrl-v," says the graduate.

Five minutes later it's the graduation ceremony.

Did you hear about the 2 antennas that got married?

It was a nice ceremony ...but the reception was amazing.

This year's Feline Rear of the Year award ceremony went horribly wrong

It was a cat ass trophy

Two melons are sitting in a field, talking about how much they love each other...

The first melon talks about how it wants a great big wedding, and how all their fruit and vegetable friends will be there to celebrate. The other melon wants them to run away together and have a 4-H judge do a quick ceremony. They argue passionately back and forth, when exasperated the second melon asks, "why do we even need to have a wedding?" The first melon replies, "don't be silly honey, we cantaloupe."

Three workers are eating lunch

The first worker, an Italian says, "If I get spaghetti again for lunch tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."

The second worker, an American says, "If I get a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."

The third worker, a Newfie says, "If I get a bologna sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself."

So the next day, the Italian gets spaghetti, the American gets a ham sandwich, and the Newfie gets a bologna sandwich and they all kill themselves.

At a ceremony for the three of them, the Italian's wife says, "If he didn't want spaghetti, I would have made him something else." The Americans wife then said, "If he didn't want a ham sandwich, I would have made him something else." Then the Newfie's wife said, "He made his own lunch!"

Why is the bride on the left in a wedding ceremony?

Because after the marriage she is always right.

Two antennas met at the roof.

They fall in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't that much, But the reception was excellent....

Reception

-An antenna and a satellite dish meet on a roof. The get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

i went to a wedding for two antennae

The ceremony was pretty bad, but the reception was amazing

I went to the marriage of two satellites last night

The ceremony was dull, but the reception was great.

Wedding day

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The ceremony wasn't that great, but let me tell ya the reception was great.

Two Antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and decide to get married

The ceremony wasn't much. But the the RECEPTION was amazing!

I sat next to an insurance salesman during Robbie Williams performance at the World Cup opening ceremony

And through it all, he offered me protection.

What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

the knights

What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist?

Sir Vey

What is the name of the agreeable knight?

Sir Tenly

What is the name of the Knight who used to be a slave?

Sir Vent

What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony?

Sir Amony and Sir Tiffy Cashien

What is the name of the Knight who is also an OB/GYN?

Sir Vix

What is the name of the Knight on LSD?

Sir Real

What is the name of the Knight who makes pottery?

Sir Amik Vaze

What is the name of the Knight who also works in the OR?

Sir Jen

What is the name of the Knight who is totally radical?

Sir Fer

What is the name of the Knight who is a great trader?

Sir Plus

What is the name of the French Knight?

Sir Render.

What is the name of the Knight who never loses?

Sir Vivyn

What is the name of the Knight who enjoys practical jokes?

Sir Prize!

What is the name of the Knight who is always in the lead?

Sir Pass

What is the name of the Firefly class Knight?

Sir Renitee

What is the name of the really sketchy Knight?

Sir Spishus

(all credit for those above goes to /u/NedryOS)

What's the name of the knight who is always sure of himself?

Sir Ten (creds to /u/loufizzle)

what is the name of the knight who loves snakes?

If grandmas had an award ceremony, what would it be called?

The Grammy's

Two TV antennas were just married.

The ceremony was nothing special, but the reception was great.

African Roulette

A man is on a trip to Africa where he stumbles into a local tribesman. The tribesman takes him to see his chief, who is a very dedicated host. After a big ceremony to welcome the visitor, the host invites the man to play a game.
"In our tribe we have a game called 'African Roulette'", he said. "It's very simple: I bring six beautiful women from our tribe and you choose one of them to give you a blowjob."
The man quickly starts to unbutton his pants when the chief interrupts:
"But there is a catch...
one of them is a cannibal!"

After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma...

...I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends.

What are the funniest ceremony jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Ceremony? Well, here are the best Ceremony puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Ceremony pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes