Ceo Jokes

What are some Ceo jokes?

I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.


He said, NO!

I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.

He said, OK.

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates said, NO.

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates said, OK.

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, NO.

I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.

He said, OK.

This is how politics works.

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.

"That'll be $1" answers the barman.

"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"

"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

The CEO of Apple came out gay...

Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man leaves.

The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?

They reply - a pizza delivery man.

The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.

They found trace amounts of Coke in *her system.

*I have to be factually correct.

A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.


BOD: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.


CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

How to do Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No!

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.

Son: Ok then.


Dad goes to Bill Gates.

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No!

Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.

Bill Gates: Ok then.



Dad goes to the president of the World Bank

Dad: Make my son the CEO of your bank.

President: No!

Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates.

President: Ok then.

The CEO of AT&T just got married...

The service was okay, but the reception was terrible.

What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS?

They both hate the French press

A bunch of beer company CEOs are at a conference and they decide to go get a drink...

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light, the CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light, the CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light, and the list goes on. The bartender makes his way to the CEO of Guiness and he orders a Coke.

His colleagues ask, "why don't you order a Guiness?"

And the Guiness CEO replies, "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year?

He's leaving of his own accord.

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?

The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

How Politics Really Works

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "No."

I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."


He said, "Yes."


I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "No."

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "Okay."

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.

He said, "No."

I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."

He said, "Okay.

This is exactly how politics works.

The new CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Another Irish joke involving beer

While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I want a Coors. It's as refreshing as a Rocky Mountain spring!" The waitress turned to the Guiness CEO, who ordered a Diet Coke. Surprised, his companions asked why he hadn't ordered a Guiness. Smiling, he told them, "I figured if you fellows weren't going to have a beer, I shouldn't either."

A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.

The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your Twinkie."

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Killian's says "These guys are amateurs, give me a Killian's Irish Red. It's smooth, flavorful, and distinct!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says "I'll have a water."

The others give a confused look. The bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"

He responds, "well, nobody else did."

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

A new CEO starts his first day


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."


CEO asks the VP: Hey, have you been boning my new secretary?

VP says: No! .

CEO: Good, then YOU fire her.

This computer can answer any question!

The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe.

"It can answer *any* question! Just try it!"
The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?"
The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The CEO chortles to the salesman "Wrong! My father died five years ago!"
The computer answers "Your mothers husband died five years ago. Your father just landed a 10 pound trout."

4 famous beer owners walk into a bar.

The CEO for Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO for Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO for Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO for Guinness orders a Coke. They all ask him why he didn't order a Guinness to which he replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer then neither am I."

Four CEOs meet up at a bar

Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have pepsi, all the other CEO's spits out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he don't order a beer. The CEO of Guiness shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beer, then neither am I."

After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same sex controversy

today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."

The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub...

Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub.
The he says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer?"
The bartender says "Certainly, that'll be €0.50"
He responds with "50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"
But then the bartender tells him "And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if you want to sit down, €7 if you stand up, €15 to use the loo... "

Slackers

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

What's the title of Audi CEO?

Lord of the Rings.

An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...

The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."

The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."

The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then fire him. He should have warned us that might happen."

Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...

And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!"

And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!"

And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola."

The other two turn to him like he's crazy and say, "what, you aren't going to order Guinness?"

To which he replies, "well if you two aren't going to order beer, neither am I!"

Three men are sitting at a bar

Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are.
The first man brags " My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."

The second father, trying to show up the first, says "Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for himself and the other for HIS lover".
The third guy is sitting quietly drinking his beer. The other two guys look at him and ask what about his son? Does he make a lot of money?
The third guy says " Nah, My son doesn't make millions or anything like that. He's a male escort. Although, his two best clients did just buy him a new car and a new mansion."

McDonald's fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!

The president of Budweiser asked for The King of Beers, make it a Bud! .
Adolph Coors requested a From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind.

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
And you sir? he queried.
I'll have a Coke! was Guinness's reply.
A Coke??!? The waiter was shocked.
Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. Well, he said, If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher is asking her students, what they want to be when they grow up.

Teacher: "How about you, Johnny... what do you want to be when you grow up"?

Johnny: "I wanna be the CEO of a multi-billion tech company... just like my father".

Teacher: "Woww.. that's wonderful. I didn't know your father was the CEO of a tech company".

Johnny: "He's not. But he also wants to be one".

Nakamushi! Nakamushi!

A businessman is on his first trip to Japan. To relax himself the night before his big meeting he gets a call girl. While he's banging her she keeps on screaming

Nakamushi! Nakamushi! which he assumes is a complement on his sexual prowess.

The next his meeting goes well and he's invited to play golf with the Japanese CEO. The CEO sinks a particular long putt for a birdie and the businessman thinks 'I'll impress him with some Japanese' so he applauds the CEO and says

Nakamushi! Nakamushi! But the CEO frowns at him and says

What do you mean 'Wrong hole! Wrong hole'?

A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies...

A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies.

The CEO takes 19 cookies, then whispers to the American employee, "Watch out, I think that Mexican is going to try and take your cookie!"

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

A dad says to his son

Dad: I want you to marry a girl I have chosen for you

Son: No I don't want to

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter

Son: In that case, ok!

The Dad then goes to Bill Gates,

Dad: I want you to marry off your daughter to my son

Bill Gates: Absolutely not

Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank

Bill Gates: In that case, ok!

The Dad then goes to the president of the World Bank,

Dad: I want you to appoint my son as the CEO of your bank

President: Absolutely not

Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates

President: In that case, ok!

This is what you call Business...

The new CEO

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, 'How much money money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO said, 'Wait right here.' He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room a voice said, 'That was the pizza delivery guy.'

On the technique of a professional politician

Let's talk politics - this dirty trick always works:

I told my son, "You 're going to marry the girl chosen by me."

He said "no!"

I said, "she is the daughter of Bill Gates."

He said: "ok."

I called Bill Gates and told him, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said "no."

I told Bill Gates, "my son is the CEO of the World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "ok."

I called the president of the World bank and asked him, "Can you make my son the CEO?"

He said "no."

I told him: "My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."

He said : "ok."

This is exactly how politics works. After seeing this, I understand why politics has so many downfalls.

I just read a Facebook ad that said "Come in a designer, leave a CEO."

Not sure why they're offering dating advice, but okay.

At the company meeting, one of the managers came up with an idea.

- I think we should stop testing our products on animals, it's giving our brand a bad rep.

The CEO says:
- How come? The shampoo companies do it all the time!

- I understand, but, sir, we sell hammers.

Beer CEOs walk into a bar...

The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest. The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!" The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!" The Miller CEO says, in turn: "I'll have the good ol' taste of a triple-hops brewed Miller!" The CEO of Guinness ponders for a moment and says to the bartender: "Oh, I'll just have a Coke." Bewildered, the other 3 CEOs stare and ask why he didn't order a beer. The Guinness CEO shrugged and said "Well, if you weren't ordering beer, I didn't think I would either".

Apple CEO announces he is gay

Samsung CEO announces he is way more gay AND water resistant

So a Blonde Brunette and a Redhead are all assistants to a powerful lady C.E.O.....

The C.E.O tells the ladies she is leaving for the day and for them to watch things/do her work while she is out. When the C.E.O. leaves, the Redhead says, "Man this is the 3rd time this week she's done this to us!"
The Brunette starts to gather her things and replies: "that's it, I'm outa here." The Redhead shakes her head in agreement but the Blonde rejects the idea. Soon enough the Brunette and Redhead leave and advise the Blonde to do the same. Eventually the Blonde leaves but just decides to go home and spend time with her husband. The next day the Brunette and Redhead arrive early to work and are greeted by the C.E.O. storming past them and locking herself in her office, her face full of shame and embarrassment. The Blonde arrives, late and looking flustered. The Brunette and Redhead ask the Blonde if they know what's wrong with the C.E.O., she replies, "aww I knew she would be mad, all I wanted to do was surprise my husband by coming home early, and instead I end getting caught by my boss in my own home!"

What kind of piano songs does the Nike CEO play?

Just duets

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.

The professor says I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says I'll be an artist so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says I got a masters degree in art.

Never assume that your boss knows what he is doing.

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Listen, said the CEO, This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper and pushed the start button.
Excellent,excellent! said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy; can you do that for me?

If Carly Fiorina really wants to destroy Planned Parenthood, she should become its CEO

A businessman in China (mild nsfw)

A businessman in China to meet the CEO of a major corporation decided to loosen up the day before his big meeting by having a call girl come to his room. They are going through the motions and towards the end she exclaims " ding bao, ding bao!"
Afterwards he asked her what that meant, in a shy voice she said that it meant "excellent!"
The next day his meeting went so well that the CEO invited him to a round of golf. The CEO sank a hole in one on the second hole. Thinking it would make him seem cultured, the businessman exclaimed "Ding Bao, sir!".

The CEO paused, looked at him befuddled, and asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Being Fired

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this.

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,

"I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said,

"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!

The CEO of a dwindling hotel chain shows up in court to save his company from bankruptcy

It was his last resort.

Why was the Chinese CEO unable to leave Canada?

Because somewhere along the road she lost Huawei.

The computer was claimed to answer anything correctly.

But the CEO didn't believe it, so he asked "Where's my father right now?". The computer beeped and whirred for a few seconds, and spat out "Your father is fishing in Canada". The CEO joyfully chortled "See, your computer isn't always right, my father died when I was 10 years old!" The computer spat out "Your mothers husband died 25 years ago. Your father just landed an 8 pound trout."

A CEO, a union worker and a tea party member sit down at a table ...

The union worker sets out a dozen cookies he baked.
The CEO grabs them all and tells the tea partier that the union member stole his cookie.

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business."

"No," said the CEO. "Then my wife's father died and left me a fortune."

The CEOS of Budweiser, Miller, Heineken and Guinness sit down for a meal...

The waitress comes by for a drink order, and each orders their own.
Budweiser CEO: I'll have a Bud
Miller: MGD for me
Heineken: I'll have a Heineken
Guinness: Iced tea

Everyone stares.

Guinness replies: what? If you aren't drinking beer, neither am I!

A CEO, a priest, and two lawyers are at a bar.

The older lawyer is mentoring the younger one. A guy on the left asks for a flaming shot, but the bartender trips, and lights the bar on fire. Everyone is running away, when a wooden bar collapses on them.
When everyone comes too, the CEO, the priest, and the older lawyer are all trapped under rubble.
The young lawyer says "I only have time to save one of you, so let's have a bidding war."

The CEO calculates the lowest safe bet and says "Ten Million!"
The Priest says "God will not forget this!"
The older lawyer cries, wipes his face, and says "I have never been so proud in my life!"

"Real" Beer

The CEOs of AB InBev, Molson Coors and Guinness are at the bar.

The CEO of AB InBev orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Molson Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a sparkling water.

The other two CEOs turn to the CEO of Guinness and ask him why he isn't ordering a Guinness to which he replies:

"If you two aren't drinking beer, then neither will I!"

The chairman of Perdue Chicken goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

Jim Perdue, CEO of Perdue Chicken, goes to the Vatican to meet the pope. He says "Pope Francis, it is an honor to meet you. As you know, I am a devoted Catholic, and I'm bringing a generous donation today - 2 million dollars - and in return I simply ask you hear a proposal."

Pope Francis says, "yes, of course."

Jim Perdue says "I propose you change all references of bread to chicken. For example, 'Give us this day out daily chicken.' And instead of bread-based Eucharist, you could give chicken nuggets."

Pope Francis says, "sir, that is really not a feasible proposal."

Perdue says, "tell you what, I'll donate the $2 million no strings attached, but if you implement my proposal, I'll donate another $20 million."

The Pope merely thanks him and leaves the room.

The next day, at a meeting with his cardinals, the pope says, "Exalted cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church... we need to discuss the Wonderbread account."

Tim Cook just came out as gay...

I wont be surprised if the Samsung CEO suddenly becomes gay too.

The CEO of Capital One was gonna run for president but has since withdrew his candidacy.

Apparently they asked people how likely they were to vote for him but there was.......

0% interest

The CEO proudly said that he did "it" 7 times with his wife on his wedding night many years back.

The General Manager next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on 1st night.

All turned towards a fresher Clerk & asked how many times did he do it on his wedding night.

The Clerk replied: Only once Sir!

The CEO laughed n asked WHY?

The Clerk replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir!

Today the clerk received all dues after termination.

Now that he's divorced, what does Amazon's CEO do when he's feeling lonely?

Jeff pays hoes.

Ill have a pepsi please

Four CEO's meet up at a bar. Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have pepsi, all the other CEO's spits out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he don't order a beer. The CEO of Guiness shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beers, then neither am i"

The CEO of Comcast dies and goes to heaven...

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