Century Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!


This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

In the 15th century the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

...and as you can see, they were Wright

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said

"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."

All I can tell you is this.

That fly never knew what hit him.

21st Century

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

Condom origins

Did you know the condom was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.

Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key

There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers

People stopped at nothing to avoid them

George and the Dragon

A vagabond in 18th century England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century...

Oops wrong sub.

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.

As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

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I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

The Arabs invented a time machine.

It's called Islam. It can take any civilization back to the 7th century.

I asked my dad to borrow a newspaper. "We don't waste paper in the 21st century, here use my iPad" he said

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him...

Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, What are those for?

The old man replied, There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming… and the smell of burning rubber!

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.

He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.

It was a Thai.

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

Answer: A key.

I learned that 17th century French royalty depleted their treasury...

I guess you could say they were baroque.

19th century monarchy humor, anyone?

So Otto von Habsburg walks into a sports bar, sees a game on, and asks the bartender who's playing. "Austria and Hungary," he replies. Otto: "Yeah, who are they playing against?"

Which is the shortest century?

The twenty-second century.

Sunny day with my gf.

I ask honey if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

She is right, I kill the son of b* in one shot.

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

Decade: 10 years

Century: 100 years

Millennium: 1000 years

Together forever: 8 months!!!!!!

The Hot-Headed Doctor (a 4th century joke taken from the oldest recorded joke book, The Philogelos).

Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, "Professor, I'm unable to lie down or stand up; I can't even sit down!" The doctor responds: "I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself."

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole it has often poked before?

**A key**.



--
*Not OC. Rumored to be first joke recorded in 10th century A.D.*

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house.

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century! The boy sagged in relief: Oh, good that it wasn't new.

Why does the Buick Century have that name?

It's the average age of someone who drives one.

My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century.

It was a period piece

The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

What hangs at a man's thigh and is meant to be stuck into a hole all the time?

A key.

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This joke was found to have been made in *tenth century England.*

In the 1700s, Muslims invented the first condoms. They used goat intestines.

Then in the next century, Europeans took the invention to the next level. They took the intestines out of the goat.

What do you call a 15th century Renaissance painter who is also a crab?

Leonardo da Pinci

Turning water into wine is so first century.

If Jesus wants my attention now, he'd do better turning my liberal arts degree into something useful.

I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

What was the most popular form of piracy in the 17th century?

Pier-to-pier

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

What do you call a racist 19th century artist?

Oppressionist

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

The concept of drilling for oil was ridiculous in the mid 19th century.

Now we just see it as groundbreaking.

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London

He asked how many children she had.

Six, she answered.

Here is a sixpence for them, he responded, handing her a coin.

No, sir, she said proudly, I will not sell my children.

Why do 19th century western women insist on staying in the kitchen?

It's easier to control the arsenic.

Why is the rate of unemployed black people higher than in the 20th century?

Because synthetic cotton is more popular.

18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work

A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks how are you going to pay for that?
Peter Paul Rubens says put it on my tab. I'm baroque.

Islam IS a RACE

to the 7th century.

I just finished an exciting book on 19th century shipbuilding techniques...

It was riveting.

What did the 8th century Anglo-Saxon king say when his brother tackled him?

Get Offa me

Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?

The Carpe DM

A young man is picking the petals of the flower...

19th century:
"She loves me, she loves me not..."
20th century:
"She'll sleep with me, she won't..."
21st century:
"I'm a man, I'm a woman..."

What would you call a famous president in the 17th century?

Baroque Obama.

What are the funniest century jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Century? Well, here are the best Century puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Century pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes