Cents Jokes
138 cents jokes and hilarious cents puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cents that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Can't get enough of jokes? Get your daily dose of laughter with this collection of "Cents Jokes"! From two cents to a peso, these funny currency-based jokes are sure to bring you a quarter of a smile. So why wait? Get your dollars and cents together and start reading today!
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Funniest Cents Short Jokes
Short cents jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cents humour may include short tons jokes also.
- A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?
- I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents
- My girlfriend was telling me all about the gender wage gap... It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.
- Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble
- There are 4 quarters in the Superbowl And that's why they brought out 50 Cent at halftime.
- What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?
- For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair. That only leaves the man with 30c.
- Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
- If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out.. I'd have 5 cents.
She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops. - Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America? We're running out of common cents
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Cents One Liners
Which cents one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cents? I can suggest the ones about grams and paces.
- What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
- If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now
- What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia? 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles
- What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback
Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion - Why did 50 cent play at half time? Because it's after 2 quarters.
- I really love 50 Cent... ...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.
- My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
- I asked 50 Cent for some advice Now he is 48 Cent
- What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of sock? Gee, you knit?
- What's one nickel minus one nickel? Wait never mind that makes no cents.
- If I had 50 cents for every time I got a math problem wrong... Id have $1.74
- Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent
- Anyone see 50 cent perform at the Super Bowl? Inflation is real
- If I had a nickel for every gender... I would have 10 cents and a lot of counterfeits.
- If I had a nickel for every time some didn't understand me I'd make more cents.
My Two Cents Jokes
Here is a list of funny my two cents jokes and even better my two cents puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When someone says, a penny for your thoughts, and I throw my two cents in…. What happens to the other penny?
- I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there. He asked me for my two cents.
- A lot of people were surprised to see 50 Cent at the Super Bowl halftime show, but not me. Who else would you expect after two quarters?
It made perfect cents to me. - I wasn't surprised to see 50 Cent in the Superbowl Halftime show. After all, two quarters equals 50 Cent.
- How much did the critic tip the waitor? two cents
- A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers. He said, Yep, they're 79 cents each or two for a dollar. She said, Okay, give me two, I'll eat one.
- Why do the Dutch never give advice? They don't want to give away their two cents
- If it's a penny for your thoughts, how come I gotta give my two cents? Taxes.
- I used to put coins on my patients' heads, but my boss thought it was unethical. When he gave me his two cents on the subject, I changed my mind.
- Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's making a penny.
2 Cents Jokes
Here is a list of funny 2 cents jokes and even better 2 cents puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A tempting offer I was tempted by an offer which read, Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00".
"How much is it for one? I asked.
"75 cents , she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one". - If an opinion is worth 2 cents, how many cents is an argument worth? It really just depends on how much cents it makes.
- I once heard that if you listen to Nickelback with only one headphone in, you get 2½ cents back. But in point of fact, if you listen to Nickelback you don't have any sense.
- I just bought tickets to see Eminem, Fifty Cent and 2Pac in concert Only kidding. 2Pac is dead.
But I did just buy 2 packets of m&m's for 50 cents - I think the UK should've stayed in the EU. But that's just my 2 cents (£12.73)
- You have 2 coins that make 30 cents, one is not a nickle... One is a Quarter and the other is a nickle.
I'll see myself out... - I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.
- Poor people can't have an opinion They don't have 2 cents
- What do you get when you mix 50 Cent and 2 Chainz? A wierd cheap necklace
- 2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cent? Man that's Ludacris
77 Cents Jokes
Here is a list of funny 77 cents jokes and even better 77 cents puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If my wife had a dollar for every joke she made about the wage gap... She would have 77 cents
- If I had a dollar for every misogynistic joke I made I'd have 77 cents
- If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a feminist... I would have 77 cents
Source: Male - They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman. It will be called Double O .77 cents on the dollar .
- Why a woman doesn't make sense to a man... Actually they make 77 cents to a man.
- It's not fair that women make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes... ...that only leaves 23 cents for the guy!
- Men are becoming poorer during COVID-19. Men are losing a dollar for every 77 cents that a woman loses.
- If I had a dollar for every intelligent person who believed in the wage gap I'd have 77 cents
- Canada has done well in removing the patriarchal effect on its society. Even their economy reflects it - now, _every_ worker gets 77 cents for every dollar earned.
- Gas dropped to 77 cents a gallon in some places in Michigan. But don't bother, it was leaded.
Silly & Ridiculous Cents Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about cents you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean caps jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cents pranks.
A sad looking man walks into a bar
And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.
The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"
The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"
This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.
After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"
The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.
Let's change things up a bit.
I thought I found a quarter inside one of my shoes. That would have been strange enough on its own, but it turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.
A Russian family moves to America...
...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."
What concert is worth 45 cents?
50 cent with nickelback
Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one)
Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up".
Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other.
Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!"
Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too."
Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?"
Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."
Apparently for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents.
That's not fair. Why is the man only left with 30?
Credit to Bo Burnham.
Why would you never rip a dollar in half?
Because it doesn't make any cents.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
What concert can you see for 45 cents?
50 cent, featuring Nickleback.
Lemonade
A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"
"This one has the antidote."
Have you guys heard the secret about butter?
I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...
BONUS:
What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
*BUHDUMCHHH*
This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today.....
at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.
A young boy wants to buy a tomato...
He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."
Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.
"How much for this little one, here?" he timidly asked.
"Hehe. 3 cents" the farmer replied with a chuckle.
"Great!" the boy exclaimed as he handed over his coins. "I'll be back next week to pick it up."
Football with a blonde girlfriend
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a p**... from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."
I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy
He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male p**... to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.
A man walks into a bar ...
And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_
So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas
He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."
I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.
It just didn't make cents.
If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card
...I'd have $0.77 cents.
What concert can you go to for 45 cents?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
If i had a pound for every 'Brexit' joke on here...
I'd still only have about 5 cents.
WALKS INTO A BAR... FRUGAL GORILLA
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either.
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
What's 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million Dollars
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."
The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
The U.S mint stopped making pennies.
I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.
If I had 25 cents for every time I failed my math test
I'd have $5.13
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.
Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
A man walks into a bar
He quickly orders 5 bottles of beer. He immediately starts to drink the beer immediately, as fast as he can. In 2 minutes, he had already finished 3 bottles of beer. The bartender looks over and says, "Why are you in such a hurry?"
The man says, "You would be doing the same if you knew what I have."
The bartender replies, "What do you have?"
The man replies: "25 cents"
The wage gap is sexist, because a woman gets 70 cents for every dollar a man makes...
... then the man is only left with 30 cents. That's messed up.
[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...
... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished w**... for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?
It makes cents if you think about it.
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
If I had 50 cents for every math exam I failed in college...
I would be up to about $6.30 now.
If I get 15 cents for every time I failed a math test
I would have $8.12
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
I have a kid in Africa...
I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.
The expensive part was flying him there.
Guy goes into a bar
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Only 75 cents."
My buddy is a s**... worker and today he came home overjoyed that he made $104.25 that day
I asked, "Wait, who gave you the 25 cents?"
He says, "All of them!"
The Trophy Wife
This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.
So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."
So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it. I made money. I made $230.50!"
He says "Wow. How did you do that?"
She says "Easy: Prostitution."
So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"
She says "Everybody!"
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard of the IRS
I'd only have 90 cents for every time I've heard of the IRS
What kind of concert costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback
If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
One quarter." answered little Johnny.
You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.
Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!
Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?
Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?
There is a coin shortage in America
They are officially out of Common Cents
Do you know what 50 cents did when he got hungry?
58
I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.
It just doesn't make cents.
During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, Where do you see yourself in five years?
My son's reply: At the Dollar Store. He got the job.
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check.
As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila
The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.
The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"
The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"
The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"
The guy says "fifty cents"
A man asked God: "what's a million years to you?"
God replied: "to me it's only a minute"
"And what's a million dollars?"
"To me, it's only a cent"
"So... can I have one of your cents?"
"Sure, just give me a minute."
A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"
Grocer: $1
Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?
Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.
Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.
Inflation is really getting out of hand…
That's just my 3 cents.
Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?
I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Why shouldn't you rip up a dollar when someone asks for change?
Because it doesn't make cents!
(Thought up on my way home, may not be original, but gave me that corny smile 🤦♂️)
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The man says, "You'd drink this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender, now curious, asks, "What do you have?"
The man pauses, then replies, "75 cents."
The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.
So I did what had to be done.
It was tough, and a little messy.
But for a clean a**...?
it was the best 43 cents i'd ever spent.
