Centre Jokes
104 centre jokes and hilarious centre puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about centre that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bring a little joy to the call centre or shopping centre with these hilarious centre jokes guaranteed to warmly entertain Sybil and the other offices you encounter. From Centre Parcs to garden centres and data centres - this article has the perfect punch line.
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Funniest Centre Short Jokes
Short centre jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The centre humour may include short center jokes also.
- I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line... Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck... - What's at the centre of No Man's sky universe? A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post) - I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias
- Ugly scenes Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening
An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles - Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester." Richard III: "Over my dead body."
- Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical. It's always at the centre of a tension.
- My boss phoned me. "You're late."
I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied. - I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate. I have a complex complex complex.
- What do you call two biscuits which open easily for everyone to lick the centre? A whoreo.
- I suggested that the call centre I work at should use the A-Team theme tune as their hold music and my boss agreed I love it when a plan comes together
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Centre One Liners
Which centre one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with centre? I can suggest the ones about corner and area.
- Everyone is self centred. But it's the radius that counts.
- What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre? Ping Lo.
- Canada's immigration centre has a new slogan You'll be sorry
- Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention. They're just spec taters
- What do you call a sheep tied to lamppost in Wales? A leisure centre.
- My mayor claims he's a Honda dealer... He calls his dealership the Civic Centre
- My Local Youth Centre Wanted a Donation Towards Their Pool i gave them a bucket of water
- Where did the blue and green ticks meet? The aquatic centre.
Sorry. - Whats at the centre of a big bang? The hedgehog.
- What is at the centre of the universe? My Ex (well, at least she thinks she is)
- Where do vampires hold their meetings? A covention centre.
- What do you call a laptop in a research centre? A labtop.
- What's in the centre of the galaxy in No Man's Sky? A refund.
- What do you call a dead gorilla in a shopping centre? Boko Harambe
- Chris Rea came to my garden centre today... ...he bought a driving gnome for Christmas.
Shopping Centre Jokes
Here is a list of funny shopping centre jokes and even better shopping centre puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the Pokemon Trainer through a Pokéball at the shopping centre? Cause you gotta catch a mall!
- Q: You know why women haven't landed on the moon?
A: Because there is no shopping centre.
Call Centre Jokes
Here is a list of funny call centre jokes and even better call centre puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The BBC are set to open a new multicultural centre for children. It's to be called Jim'll Mix It.
- It shouldn't be called the Central Intelligence Agency, it's headquarters is in Virginia. That's nowhere near the centre of the USA
- What do you call a group of virgins waiting in line at the job centre? An untapped resource
Garden Centre Jokes
Here is a list of funny garden centre jokes and even better garden centre puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre today I could tell it was him because he had his back to the fuchsias.
- My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.
- Man sentenced to 5 years in prison for robbing a garden centre The Judge ruled it as a crime against nature.
- Two men break into a Garden Centre When a security guard started shouting insults at them.
One of them took a fence - Today I used a picnic basket to foil a robbery at the garden centre. I threw it at the perp, and the security guard took him down while he was hampered.
- Where does a garden centre keep its best plants? The treemium section
Silly & Ridiculous Centre Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about centre you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean focus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make centre pranks.
The Golf Club Mobile Phone
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. A man picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
"Hello," He says,
"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?"
"Yes," replies the man,
"Well I'm at the shopping centre," she says, "and I've found a beautiful leather coat. It's £450. Can I buy it?"
"OK," he replies, "go ahead and buy it if you like it that much."
"Thanks," she replies. "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked."
"How much was it?" asks the man.
"£37,000," she replies.
"For that price," he says, "I want it with all the options."
"Great," she says, "just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking £750,000 for it now."
The man says, "Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don't offer more than £720,000."
"OK," she says, "I'll see you later. I love you."
"Bye, I love you too." he says and then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he shouts out aloud, "Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?"
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:
Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"
Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning Jew
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"
A policeman pulled over a speeding car
turned to the driver and said "Do you understand that you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit down the centre of the road?"
The guy smiles and says "Of course I did, that's what it said to do on my driver's license"
The policeman confused asks "and where does it say that?"
The man hands over the paperwork and points out "There, where it says tear along the dotted line"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bet those window cleaners on the World Trade Centre were wishing it was an inside job.
Priest and the leprosy man
Priest walks into social care centre, with his meal. In the room there was no place to sit, except in front of the leprosy man. He started to eat. After his first bite he saw the leprosy mans eating his own fallen ear in the soup. He started to gag. The leprosy man made an excuse and he wanted to stand up and get other place to sit. The priest stopped him, and told him that he is a child of god. They continued eating, and again the eye of leprosian felt in the soup and he ate it. The priest gagged again, and this time he was close to puking the food out. Leprosy man was ready to stand up, but the priest doesnt want him to. They continued eating. After a while leprosian ate his nose. The priest puked all hiss meal on the table and and was disgusted, the leprosy man stand up and was ready to move to another table, after saying the excuses. The priest said: Oh my child, i am not disgusted of you, i was disgusted of the blind man dipping his bread in your neck. They both puked...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A f**... procession crawls through the centre of town
At the front is the hearse carrying the coffin. Behind this is a man with a big grin on his face and holding a leash which is attached to a big scary looking dog. Behind him are hundreds of mourners, except they're all men.
An onlooker approaches the man with the dog and asks, "excuse me, who is in the hearse?"
"My mother in law" the man chuckles.
"Oh really? Well, that explains the grin. But what's with the dog?"
"Oh, the dog killed her."
"The dog killed her?"
"Yes. I've trained the dog to kill mother-in-laws. It's awesome."
"Wow."
"I know right."
"So... um..."
"Mhm?"
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Sure," the man says, "but" he jerks a thumb at the procession behind, "you'll have to join the queue."
True Story.
My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'
Getting friends with benefits is easy
If you hang around the welfare centre long enough you're sure to meet a few nice people.
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
The World Trade Centre ordered pizza
They wanted pepperoni but all they got was plain
"I am the young brother, let me through"
A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My local garden centre is doing huge business on the side with punters paying for s**... with B.A. Baracus lookalikes.
It's like a whole w**...-T-culture going on.
I threw oil pastels when i left the examination centre cause
I wanted to pass with flying colors.
Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish...
...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"
The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."
"Good on you! I'm here to donate s**...," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."
The woman woman looked thoughtful for a brief moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
The man asks the woman, "Here to donate blood again?"
The woman shakes her head with her mouth closed and replies with a muffled, "Unh unh."
Where were the hottest Americans at?
World trade centre.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the p**... is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.
Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
A guy started Social Network rehab centre; It has no computers, no wifi, no mobiles, no tablets
& no customers
Two guys were just arrested.
I just saw on the news that two guys have been arrested in the city centre. One was drinking battery fluid and the other was chewing fireworks. One of them was charged but the other was let off.
Got a job at a trampoline centre.
If anyone flips and tries to jump me, it's okay because I'll be surrounded by bouncers.
"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.
"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."
Me and my wife normally buy cheap chinese rip-offs..
But recently I decided to splurge and go to an adoption centre instead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At an ISIS recruitment centre...
Interviewer: Name?
Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.
Interviewer: s**...?
Recruit: Often twice a day.
Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?
Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.
I was thinking of doing yoga
So I rang the local leisure centre and they asked me "are you flexible?"
I said "yes I can do anytime except for Tuesday's"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep k**.... Your arms are doing all the work."
His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.
A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....
Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..
Got rejected from the daycare centre when I applied for a job last week
"Former priest" is apparently not a sufficient qualification
Why did the Michael Jackson impersonator go to the spiritual centre?
He heard there was a gathering of shamoneic practitioners.
I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.
I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"? He said "Na, I got released from prison"
A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car
When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.
A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.
"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"
"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a new Child a**... Victims help centre opening in London...
The headquarters are on savile Row.
Fat fashion designer has found a time machine
Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...
It's like they'd never seen a n**... man before
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple, to have s**..., made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.
A couple, to have s**..., made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.
One day husband to son: Tell your mom that dad wants to make a phone call.
Mom: Tell your dad the network is down.
Dad: If the network is down, then I will go to a PCO.
Mom: Tell dad that if he dares to go to a PCO, I will open a call centre at home!
(please do not kill me)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brain Dead
A man got into a car accident and was rushed to hospital. At the hospital, the man's doctor declares him to be brain-dead. Soon, the man's wife shows up at the hospital. The doctor gives the wife the bad news.
"What now?! What are my options?" Sobs the wife.
The doctor replies, "Well, unfortunately, you have two options. You can ship him off to a long-term care centre and hope for the best. Or, alternatively, you can sign this form to unplug him and donate his organs. In my opinion, I believe that o**... donation is the no-brainer option."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Investing in an assisted s**... centre has its pros and cons
The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.
... that's pretty h**....
BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.
In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer's, and all prison guards at Maxwell's detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...
Career counsellor: "Why did you flop during the interview at Houston Space Centre?" Billy: "I failed the countdown bit." "What did you say?"
"Countdown 1...2...3...4...
My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview
"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."
The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".
In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".
How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?
We went to see a movie the other night.
I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.
Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was pretty annoyed with her and asked, "Could you have not done this a little earlier?"
"No", she whispered loudly to me, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just came up on the screen, and mine is in the car."
