The Best 77 Centre Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Centre jokes. There are some centre mujibar jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these centre call centre puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Centre Jokes and Puns

I think I saw Michael J Fox in a gardening centre earlier...

It was hard to tell, he had his back to the Fuchsias.

If you've seen one shopping centre…

You've seen a mall.

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:

Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"

Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."

Centre joke, An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

Morning Jew

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck had a paper round!"


Why did the referee blow his whistle at the leper hockey game?

There was a face off at centre ice.

Emergency Services

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....

Centre joke, Emergency Services

I saw Michael J. Fox in a gardening centre the other day...

He had his back to the fuchsia.

So I was walking through the town centre the other day...

I came across a kid at the side of the road, dressed in rags and looking completely miserable.

I said, "You must be an orphan!".

He replied, "Yes! What gave me away?"

"...your parents."

A policeman pulled over a speeding car

turned to the driver and said "Do you understand that you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit down the centre of the road?"

The guy smiles and says "Of course I did, that's what it said to do on my driver's license"

The policeman confused asks "and where does it say that?"

The man hands over the paperwork and points out "There, where it says tear along the dotted line"

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

You can explore centre offices reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean centre welfare dad jokes. There are also centre puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Getting friends with benefits is easy

If you hang around the welfare centre long enough you're sure to meet a few nice people.

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford

It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

What does a country man call a sheep tied to a lamppost at a crossroads.

A leisure centre.

Two men break into a Garden Centre [OC]

When a security guard started shouting insults at them.

One of them took a fence

Two blondes walk up to a bus stop...

The first blonde walks up to the bus and asks, "will this bus take me to the city centre?"
The driver replies, "I'm afraid not."

The second blonde walks over, smiles sweetly and asks, "will it take *me* there?"

Centre joke, Two blondes walk up to a bus stop...

Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?

To go to the second hand shop

"I am the young brother, let me through"

A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.

Went for my yearly examination at the Health Centre

The nurse said: "You really should stop masturbating"
I said: "Why?"
She said: "Because I'm trying to examine you"


What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything that I called the Suicide Lifeline. I was forwarded to a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they asked if I could drive a truck...

What do you call a dead gorilla in a shopping centre?

Boko Harambe

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

My boss phoned me.

"You're late."

I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.

A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'

Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish...

...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time!

What do you call a laptop in a research centre?

A labtop.

Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the poo is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

A guy started Social Network rehab centre; It has no computers, no wifi, no mobiles, no tablets

& no customers

Ugly scenes

Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening

An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

Sherlock and Watson were walking through an orchard...

As they walk Watson keeps asking Sherlock to identify the trees they are seeing. After some time they approach a clearing and in the centre is a lone tree.
Watson asks "Sherlock what is that tree with yellow skinned fruit?"
Sherlock smiles and replies "That's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"

My friend works at a recycling centre crushing soft drink cans all day

It's soda pressing

Two guys were just arrested.

I just saw on the news that two guys have been arrested in the city centre. One was drinking battery fluid and the other was chewing fireworks. One of them was charged but the other was let off.

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre today

I could tell it was him because he had his back to the fuchsias.

At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?

Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.

Interviewer: Sex?

Recruit: Often twice a day.

Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?

Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

I was thinking of doing yoga

So I rang the local leisure centre and they asked me "are you flexible?"
I said "yes I can do anytime except for Tuesday's"

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

My Local Youth Centre Wanted a Donation Towards Their Pool

i gave them a bucket of water

What do you call a sheep tied to lamppost in Wales?

A leisure centre.

What do you call a group of virgins waiting in line at the job centre?

An untapped resource

Where did the blue and green ticks meet?

The aquatic centre.

Sorry.

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

Everyone is self centred.

But it's the radius that counts.

Got rejected from the daycare centre when I applied for a job last week

"Former priest" is apparently not a sufficient qualification

Why did the Michael Jackson impersonator go to the spiritual centre?

He heard there was a gathering of shamoneic practitioners.

There was a sign outside the drug rehab centre.

'Keep off the grass'

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

My mayor claims he's a Honda dealer...

He calls his dealership the Civic Centre

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"? He said "Na, I got released from prison"

When Aphrodite poses naked on a seashell she's "beautiful" and "a goddess"

But when I do it apparently I'm "drunk" and "barred from the Sea Life Centre".

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.

A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.

"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

There's a new Child Abuse Victims help centre opening in London...

The headquarters are on Savile Row.

Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:

\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Rottweiler in a daycare centre.

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

The BBC are set to open a new multicultural centre for children.

It's to be called Jim'll Mix It.

A couple, to have sex, made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.

A couple, to have sex, made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.

One day husband to son: Tell your mom that dad wants to make a phone call.

Mom: Tell your dad the network is down.

Dad: If the network is down, then I will go to a PCO.

Mom: Tell dad that if he dares to go to a PCO, I will open a call centre at home!

 

(please do not kill me)

Man sentenced to 5 years in prison for robbing a garden centre

The Judge ruled it as a crime against nature.

My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure.

Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer's, and all prison guards at Maxwell's detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Career counsellor: "Why did you flop during the interview at Houston Space Centre?" Billy: "I failed the countdown bit." "What did you say?"

"Countdown 1...2...3...4...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.

It's Einstein's turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, Newton, you're terrible! I found you right away!
Newton replies, No, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It's always at the centre of a tension.

Think I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre this morning

Can't be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias

What do you call two biscuits which open easily for everyone to lick the centre?

A whoreo.

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

Blood type

A priest, a minister and a Rabbit walk together into the blood donation centre.
The nurse asks What's your blood type?
The Rabbit says I'm probably a Type O .

I suggested that the call centre I work at should use the A-Team theme tune as their hold music and my boss agreed

I love it when a plan comes together

Sadly I had to leave my job at the cat rescue centre.

They cut meowers.

Canada's immigration centre has a new slogan

You'll be sorry

Once you have seen.....

Once you have seen one shopping centre

you have seen the mall

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

We went to see a movie the other night.

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.

Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was pretty annoyed with her and asked, "Could you have not done this a little earlier?"

"No", she whispered loudly to me, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just came up on the screen, and mine is in the car."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the centre philadelphia jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working centre core piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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