Centre Jokes

115 centre jokes and hilarious centre puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about centre that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Bring a little joy to the call centre or shopping centre with these hilarious centre jokes guaranteed to warmly entertain Sybil and the other offices you encounter. From Centre Parcs to garden centres and data centres - this article has the perfect punch line.

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Funniest Centre Short Jokes

Short centre jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The centre humour may include short center jokes also.

  1. I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line... Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
    They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
  2. What's at the centre of No Man's sky universe? A refund.
    credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
  3. A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test centre. A nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, Do you know what blood type you are? The rabbit responds with: I think I might be a Type-O.
  4. I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias
  5. I saw Michael J. Fox in a gardening centre the other day... He had his back to the fuchsia.
  6. Ugly scenes Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening
    An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles
  7. I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre. I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
  8. Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester." Richard III: "Over my dead body."
  9. Blood type A priest, a minister and a Rabbit walk together into the blood donation centre.
    The nurse asks What's your blood type?
    The Rabbit says I'm probably a Type O .
  10. I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins... I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

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Centre One Liners

Which centre one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with centre? I can suggest the ones about corner and area.

  1. If you've seen one shopping centre… You've seen a mall.
  2. Once you have seen..... Once you have seen one shopping centre
    you have seen the mall
  3. Everyone is self centred. But it's the radius that counts.
  4. Drunk people are so self centred... ... they think the world revolves around them
  5. What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre? Ping Lo.
  6. Canada's immigration centre has a new slogan You'll be sorry
  7. What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A Rottweiler in a daycare centre.
  8. My friend works at a recycling centre crushing soft drink cans all day It's soda pressing
  9. Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention. They're just spec taters
  10. Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre? To go to the second hand shop
  11. Sadly I had to leave my job at the cat rescue centre. They cut meowers.
  12. What do you call a sheep tied to lamppost in Wales? A leisure centre.
  13. My mayor claims he's a Honda dealer... He calls his dealership the Civic Centre
  14. My Local Youth Centre Wanted a Donation Towards Their Pool i gave them a bucket of water
  15. There was a sign outside the drug rehab centre. 'Keep off the grass'

Shopping Centre Jokes

Here is a list of funny shopping centre jokes and even better shopping centre puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate. I have a complex complex complex.
  • Why did the Pokemon Trainer through a Pokéball at the shopping centre? Cause you gotta catch a mall!
  • What do you call a dead gorilla in a shopping centre? Boko Harambe
  • Q: You know why women haven't landed on the moon?
    A: Because there is no shopping centre.
  • So I went to the shopping centre to get some milk... AUSTRALIAN APRIL FOOLS MUTHAFUCKA

Call Centre Jokes

Here is a list of funny call centre jokes and even better call centre puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call two biscuits which open easily for everyone to lick the centre? A whoreo.
  • I suggested that the call centre I work at should use the A-Team theme tune as their hold music and my boss agreed I love it when a plan comes together
  • The BBC are set to open a new multicultural centre for children. It's to be called Jim'll Mix It.
  • It shouldn't be called the Central Intelligence Agency, it's headquarters is in Virginia. That's nowhere near the centre of the USA
  • What do you call a group of virgins waiting in line at the job centre? An untapped resource
  • What do you call a laptop in a research centre? A labtop.
  • What does a country man call a sheep tied to a lamppost at a crossroads. A leisure centre.
Centre joke, What does a country man call a sheep tied to a lamppost at a crossroads.

Garden Centre Jokes

Here is a list of funny garden centre jokes and even better garden centre puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Think I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre this morning Can't be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias
  • I think I saw Michael J Fox in a gardening centre earlier... It was hard to tell, he had his back to the Fuchsias.
  • I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre today I could tell it was him because he had his back to the fuchsias.
  • My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.
  • Man sentenced to 5 years in prison for robbing a garden centre The Judge ruled it as a crime against nature.
  • Two men break into a Garden Centre [OC] When a security guard started shouting insults at them.
    One of them took a fence
  • Today I used a picnic basket to foil a robbery at the garden centre. I threw it at the perp, and the security guard took him down while he was hampered.
  • Chris Rea came to my garden centre today... ...he bought a driving gnome for Christmas.
  • Where does a garden centre keep its best plants? The treemium section
  • What did the sign it the rehab centre's garden say? Keep off the grass.
Centre joke, What did the sign it the rehab centre's garden say?

Silly & Ridiculous Centre Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter

What funny jokes about centre you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean focus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make centre pranks.

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:
Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"
Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."

Morning Jew

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"

Why did the referee blow his whistle at the l**... hockey game?

There was a face off at centre ice.

Emergency Services

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....

So I was walking through the town centre the other day...

I came across a kid at the side of the road, dressed in rags and looking completely miserable.
I said, "You must be an orphan!".
He replied, "Yes! What gave me away?"
"...your parents."

A policeman pulled over a speeding car

turned to the driver and said "Do you understand that you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit down the centre of the road?"
The guy smiles and says "Of course I did, that's what it said to do on my driver's license"
The policeman confused asks "and where does it say that?"
The man hands over the paperwork and points out "There, where it says tear along the dotted line"

Getting friends with benefits is easy

If you hang around the welfare centre long enough you're sure to meet a few nice people.

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

Two blondes walk up to a bus stop...

The first blonde walks up to the bus and asks, "will this bus take me to the city centre?"
The driver replies, "I'm afraid not."
The second blonde walks over, smiles sweetly and asks, "will it take *me* there?"

"I am the young brother, let me through"

A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything that I called the s**... Lifeline. I was forwarded to a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they asked if I could drive a truck...

My boss phoned me.

"You're late."
I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.

A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'

Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish...

...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time!

Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the p**... is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

A guy started Social Network rehab centre; It has no computers, no wifi, no mobiles, no tablets

& no customers

Sherlock and Watson were walking through an orchard...

As they walk Watson keeps asking Sherlock to identify the trees they are seeing. After some time they approach a clearing and in the centre is a lone tree.
Watson asks "Sherlock what is that tree with yellow skinned fruit?"
Sherlock smiles and replies "That's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"

Two guys were just arrested.

I just saw on the news that two guys have been arrested in the city centre. One was drinking battery fluid and the other was chewing fireworks. One of them was charged but the other was let off.

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?
Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.
Interviewer: s**...?
Recruit: Often twice a day.
Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?
Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

I was thinking of doing yoga

So I rang the local leisure centre and they asked me "are you flexible?"
I said "yes I can do anytime except for Tuesday's"

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep k**.... Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

Where did the blue and green ticks meet?

The aquatic centre.

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

Got rejected from the daycare centre when I applied for a job last week

"Former priest" is apparently not a sufficient qualification

Why did the Michael Jackson impersonator go to the spiritual centre?

He heard there was a gathering of shamoneic practitioners.

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"? He said "Na, I got released from prison"

When Aphrodite poses n**... on a seashell she's "beautiful" and "a goddess"

But when I do it apparently I'm "drunk" and "barred from the Sea Life Centre".

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.
A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.
"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"
"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

There's a new Child a**... Victims help centre opening in London...

The headquarters are on savile Row.

Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?

A couple, to have s**..., made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.

A couple, to have s**..., made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.
One day husband to son: Tell your mom that dad wants to make a phone call.
Mom: Tell your dad the network is down.
Dad: If the network is down, then I will go to a PCO.
Mom: Tell dad that if he dares to go to a PCO, I will open a call centre at home!
(please do not kill me)

Investing in an assisted s**... centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty h**....

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer's, and all prison guards at Maxwell's detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Career counsellor: "Why did you flop during the interview at Houston Space Centre?" Billy: "I failed the countdown bit." "What did you say?"

"Countdown 1...2...3...4...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.

It's Einstein's turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, Newton, you're terrible! I found you right away!
Newton replies, No, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It's always at the centre of a tension.

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".
How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

We went to see a movie the other night.

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.
Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was pretty annoyed with her and asked, "Could you have not done this a little earlier?"
"No", she whispered loudly to me, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just came up on the screen, and mine is in the car."

A dog goes to the Job Centre

A dog goes to the job centre and asked for assistance in finding employment.
The employee at the Job Centre says "b**... h**...! A talking dog! You should get a job at the circus!"
The dog replies "Why's that? Are they after a plumber?"

Centre joke, I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today

jokes about centre