The Best 59 Central Jokes

Sir, I don't think we need the Panama Canal anymore....

Why's that?

Show's all of Central America underwater, including Mexico

See? I told you we need that wall!

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

An elderly gay gentleman has one too many at a bar on the night before Easter

And throwing trepidation to the winds, he stumbles towards home through Central Park. He gets terribly lost on 110th St. and ends up careering into St. John the Divine just as they're beginning midnight mass. The priest is walking up the aisle and swinging the censor when the man runs up to him and hisses, "sweetie, I love the dress, but your *handbag is on fire.*"

A man has to pee...

But he is in the middle of Central Park. He finds what he believes is an out of the way spot, unzips, and does his thing.

To his surprise, the spot he chose was not very secluded, and before he can do anything about it, a woman walks right in front of him.

She shrieks and says, "Gross!"

"Danke schoen," he replies.

Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.

A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.

Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.

Did you hear about the peanut in Central Park?

It was a-salted.

Heard about the peanut that walked through Central Park

It was a salted.

What's the difference between a gorilla and your mother ?

A gorilla is ground-dwelling, predominantly herbivorous ape that inhabits the forests of central Africa, & your mother is a nice lady.

... Also I did not have sex with a gorilla.

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park late at night.

One was a salted.

Facebook and basic cable

Reading Facebook feels like I'm watching basic cable in a hotel: All I want is Comedy Central, but all I can find is the Food Network, workout infomercials and Fox News.

Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.

The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."

Comedy Central Comedian coming to Taft Ca's Oasis Bar November 14th

Why do Central Americans hop the U.S. Border in groups of 4 or more?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

Did you hear about the new Comedy Central show?

a polar bear offers his commentary about current events. Its called the Cold Bear Report!

Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe

We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game.

He's my Czech mate

I Just watched San Andreas yesterday. Completely unbelivable.

I mean. The Central Valley was green.

Guy playing chess with his Central European lover

"Czech and mate"

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.

The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.

That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.

A gender studies major gets mugged

A gender studies major is walking through Central Park on her way back to campus, when a mugger jumps her. He takes her wallet and purse, but lets her keep her cellphone.

She immediately calls the police. "Was it a man or a woman?" the cop asks once he got there.

"I don't know," she says. "I didn't get to ask."

What is it called when weather in Central America breaks the news?

A topical climate.

TIL Ethiopian warriors conquered part of Central Europe in the 1300s

That's why they call it Hungary.

What do you call an orphaned 9 year old boy in Central Africa?

Colonel Sir!

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

But how did they get this name?..

Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...

Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...

''Where the Fakawi?''

I don't understand why the Catholic Church is so against gay pride

After all, their central figure was nailed by four Roman guys.

LPT: If you feel too cold, and can't afford central heating

...Just stand in a corner of your house. They are usually ~ 90°

A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan.

The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.

"What in the world is this?"

The bartender says, "Central Park."

TIL: There is a high stakes gambling ring in central america dedicated to racing inchworms.

The winner is called the inche-a-lotta

There's a new The President show on Comedy Central starting the 27th about Donald Trump

We can just watch Fox News until then.

I saw Comedy Central launch a funny non-political TV show...

Then I woke up

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.

Czech mate.

A panda walks into a bar.

He sits down at a table and orders a sandwich. When the waiter brings him his check he pulls out a gun, shoots him and starts walking towards the door.
The bartender shouts over to him "hey, what'd you do that for?"
The panda says "I'm a panda buddy, look it up!"
The bartender quickly looks up the definition and sees:
Panda- Bear from Central and Western China forests with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

What do you call a good Central European friend?

Czech mate

A sitcom about a 9/11 hijacker was in the works for Comedy Central

But it never made it past the pilot episode

What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

A Globe was walking down the street.....

It saw Central America crying on the curb.
The Globe asked, "Why are you crying?"
Central America sobbed, "Because....I will never get any snow!"
The Globe retorted, "Well, NOT with THAT latitude!"

I unexpectedly won a free trip to the most scenic part of the California central coast.

It was a Big Sur prize.

An English couple is driving through central Canada and realize that they're lost, so they pull over and ask a local which city they're in,

The local kindly replies "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The couple says thank you, and leave. "Did you understand that?" The woman asks the man.

"No, he didn't even speak English!"

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

Why don't we see Neanderthals outside of Central to Western Eurasia?

Because they're all dead.

A British ship was sinking.

It was the first day of an employee of the German boat central. After a while he received a emergency call from a British ship.

"We are sinking, i repeat, we are sinking!"

The German replied:
"What are you thinking about?"

What's it called when someone messes with unpurchased product in central Florida?

Tamper Bay

What happened when the Borg's central computer was destroyed?

They lost their collective minds

How do you test if two Central Europeans can hear you?

Czech 1, Chez 2

It shouldn't be called the Central Intelligence Agency, it's headquarters is in Virginia. That's nowhere near the centre of the USA

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Two cops are called to a building.

-Central, we have a homicide here, a man was killed by his wife after he walked on the recently mopped floor

-Have you made an arrest?

-No! the floor's still wet!

Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station.

It was a terminal illness.

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
But the investigation teams discovers something interesting, three of the dead had gun shot wound to their heads.
"What happened here, we thought this was a poisoning?"
"It was, but these three refused to eat their soup."

I just aced my philosophy test

The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"

In tonight's news...

Seattle police were astonished to find that all the toilets in the central precinct had been stolen overnight.

When asked about suspects, the Chief stated that they have nothing to go on.

I have a friend who really hates living in Central USA.

She says she's in a constant state of Missouri.