The Best 46 Centipede Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Centipede jokes. There are some centipede legs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these centipede human centipede puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Centipede Jokes and Puns

Do you know who was the biggest sponser of the movie Human Centipede?


Nokia - Connecting people


What's worse than finding a centipede in your pizza?

Finding half a centipede in your pizza

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the last 98 days..

It's on it's last legs now

Centipede joke, I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the last 98 days..

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 millipede = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Edit - formatting

What has 50 legs but can't walk?

Half a centipede.

The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

What has 100 legs and 3 teeth?

A centipede on meth.

Centipede joke, What has 100 legs and 3 teeth?

What do you get when you combine a parrot and a centipede?

A walkie talkie!

So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...

He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.

I heard they made a movie about the Connect Four game.

I think it was called the human centipede.

The Human Centipede review

I found it a little tongue-in-cheek...

Source: Dad

You can explore centipede cockroaches reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean centipede pinball dad jokes. There are also centipede puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Grampa's favorite joke? Okay, here's mine.

[It took me years to understand this. But he laughed every time he told it.]

If a centipede a pint, and velocipede a quart, how much would a precipice?

A canopy!

Why was the father centipede annoyed?

Because all of his children needed new shoes.

A lady centipede crosses her legs.....

....."For the one hundredth time, NO!"

What do you get if cross seasonings and movie title?

The Cumin Centipede!

What is worse then a centipede with sore feet?

A giraffe with a sore throat

Centipede joke, What is worse then a centipede with sore feet?

If a centipede a pint, how much can a precipice?

A canopy.

What goes 99 clonk, 99 clonk, 99 clonk?

A centipede with a wooden leg!

*^^Joke ^^I ^^found ^^in ^^the ^^Tokyo ^^Ghoul ^^tag ^^on ^^Tumblr, ^^my ^^brother ^^loves ^^this ^^one!*

Why a centipede cannot fly coach?

Not enough leg room!

I saw a centipede going in circles because it had an extra leg on the left side...

...It was odd.

What do you call a centipede with no legs

An amputede

A millipede turns to a centipede and says...

I'm not sure, but I think one of my legs is broken!

Why do centipedes live so long?

It takes them awhile to reach their last legs.

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

Extra drumsticks!

How long is a centipede?

~100 feet

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

What can you jump over that's a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

I'm hung like a centipede.

100 feet.

Whats a insect with a penny?

A centipede

What takes 99 steps and goes *thump*

A centipede with a pegleg

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?

A Walkie-talkie.

Centipede is not what it was meant to be

It was supposed to like mammals.

The problem was, when He wrote the specifications, He wrote limb count in binary


I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn't make ends meet.

I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest if them got completely shitfaced.

What nokia and human centipede have in common?

Connecting people

Why don't centipedes go out to eat?

They can't foot the bill.

what's dead and 100 feet in the air?

a centipede

I was watching The Human Centipede with this guy, and I could tell just by looking at him that he was really enjoying the movie.

He had this shit-eating grin on his face the entire time.

They're writing a satirical play based on The Human Centipede.

It'll be very tongue in cheek.

This will take awhile

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede, but there's no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks againβ€”still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"

There was this guy who had a pet centipede.

One day, he said, go get the paper, and make it snappy! Half an hour later, he goes outside, sees the centipede and says, didn't I say to make it snappy ? The centipede replies, I had to put on my shoes!

What do you call a cross between a centipede and a parrot

A walkie-talkie

What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede.

Man buys a talking centipede.

Man buys a talking centipede for $5000 and takes it home in a small box.

When he gets home, he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a beer?"

The centipede doesn't answer...

Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

30 mins later and getting angry, thinking he's been ripped off, he shouts the question loudly.

At which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says "I heard you the 1st time...I'm putting my fucken shoes on!!!"

What goes 99 clunk, 99 clunk?

A centipede with a peg leg

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the centipede precipice jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working centipede beetle piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes