Cement Jokes

What are some Cement jokes?

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?


I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

I'm dating an Italian bricklayer.

It's cement to be.

I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement

I'd be shittin' bricks

A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.

A foreman working on a construction site walks up to his only workers for the day...

They were an Irishman, Englishman and a Chinese.

The foreman walks up to the Irishman and tells him:

"I will be going out for a few hours to do some paperwork. In the meantime I want you to shovel this pile of gravel into the truck so it can be taken away when I get back."

He then goes to the Englishman:

"You, on the other hand are going to sweep all the dust on the ground left behind by all the cement. I want to see the floor spotless when I return."

He says to the Chinese man:

"I will leave you in charge of the supplies. Make sure everyone gets their supplies."

And having delivered the duties to his workers, the foreman leaves the site to attend to his business.

When he returns, he finds the gravel not shoveled and the floor not swept.

He quickly locates the Irishman and asks him why he didn't do his job. He says: "I would have shoveled this here gravel, but I don't have a shovel. The Chinese guy was supposed to give it to me but I haven't seen him since you left."

He then goes to look for the Englishman, who says: "I can't possibly sweep the floor without a broom and dustpan, as the Chinese man has not given them to me. I have been looking for him for hours but I can't seem to find him."

The foreman, Irishman and Englishman decide to go look for the Chinese man when he jumps out from behind a pillar and yells:


What do you call an apple filled with cement?


I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

As a man of Jewish descent

As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it?

What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall?


What did the dam say to the fish?
Dumb bass.

A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

Not enough cement

A prison van and a cement truck collided

Several hardened criminals escaped

There is a head on collision on a road....

In one car is a Priest and in the other is a Rabbi. As they get out of the cars they realise that neither is even slightly hurt but the cars are totalled.

"Praise the Lord!" says the Priest, "This must be a sign from God that we are to be friends!".

"Indeed it must." agrees the Rabbi.

"And there is a bottle of wine in the boot (US: trunk) of my car that is unbroken. God must wish us to cement our friendship with a drink!"

"Yes, my friend. I agree".

So the priest opens the bottle and hands it to the Rabbi, who takes a large swig. As they sit at the side of the road, talking about their lives, the Rabbi notices that each time he hands the bottle to the Priest he holds it for a few minutes before he hands it back to the Rabbi.

"My friend," he says, "are you not drinking?"

"No," says the Priest, "I'm waiting for the Police"

Kudos if you get the joke

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician each have their respective problem-solving skills tested by a group of researchers. They are each placed in separate locked 4x4 cells with walls made of cement and given a can of food. They are told to open the cans and get the food out using no other outside materials. The researchers leave the three to their own devices, then come back after an hour.

The physicist is first to be checked on. The researchers find him mouthing out complicated formulas in his head. After a moment, he swings his can into a wall with the proper amount of force and at the correct angle to split the can open.

The engineer is next. His cell is covered in dents, and he is eating from the remnants of a banged-up and broken can when the researchers find him.

Finally, the researchers visit the mathematician's cell. They find him huddled in a corner, cradling the can in his arms, and muttering, "Assume a can opener, assume a can opener, assume a can opener..."

A thief tripped and fell into wet cement...

He became a hardened criminal.

I ate a lot.

It tasted like cement.

What did the cement say to the sign?

I'll keep you posted

I used to date a Bricklayers daughter..

Cement the world to me.

How do you make a song better using cement?

By remixing it.

You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed?

12 hardened criminals escaped.

This just in: A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the highway.

The police warn that these are really heavy criminals.

As seen on a masonry truck

Cement shop robbed, police investigators find no concrete evidence

A prison bus crashed into a cement mixer

You should be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Did you hear about the truck that spilt concrete across the road?

It wasn't cement to happen.

How do you call a cement foundation?

A concrete base.

The manager of my power drill company was doing so well I promoted him to head of the cement mixer division.

One good turn deserves another.

What does a mobster buried in cement eventually become?

A hardened criminal.

How to make Cement jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Cement to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Cement? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Cement pick up lines to share with friends.

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