cement Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cement puns

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals


What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?



I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.


I'm dating an Italian bricklayer.

It's cement to be.


I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement

I'd be shittin' bricks


A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.


My friend is dating an Italian bricklayer.

It's cement to be.


A foreman working on a construction site walks up to his only workers for the day...

They were an Irishman, Englishman and a Chinese.

The foreman walks up to the Irishman and tells him:

"I will be going out for a few hours to do some paperwork. In the meantime I want you to shovel this pile of gravel into the truck so it can be taken away when I get back."

He then goes to the Englishman:

"You, on the other hand are going to sweep all the dust on the ground left behind by all the cement. I want to see the floor spotless when I return."

He says to the Chinese man:

"I will leave you in charge of the supplies. Make sure everyone gets their supplies."

And having delivered the duties to his workers, the foreman leaves the site to attend to his business.

When he returns, he finds the gravel not shoveled and the floor not swept.

He quickly locates the Irishman and asks him why he didn't do his job. He says: "I would have shoveled this here gravel, but I don't have a shovel. The Chinese guy was supposed to give it to me but I haven't seen him since you left."

He then goes to look for the Englishman, who says: "I can't possibly sweep the floor without a broom and dustpan, as the Chinese man has not given them to me. I have been looking for him for hours but I can't seem to find him."

The foreman, Irishman and Englishman decide to go look for the Chinese man when he jumps out from behind a pillar and yells:



What do you call an apple filled with cement?



I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence


What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall?



As a man of Jewish descent

As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it?


What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall?


What did the dam say to the fish?
Dumb bass.


Overheard on two guys unloading a truck the other day

Guy 1: What's the difference between mortar mix and cement mix?

Guy 2: I dunno what?

Guy 1: I wasnt telling a fucking joke I want to know the difference!


Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence


What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

Not enough cement


A prison van and a cement truck collided

Several hardened criminals escaped


Kudos if you get the joke

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician each have their respective problem-solving skills tested by a group of researchers. They are each placed in separate locked 4x4 cells with walls made of cement and given a can of food. They are told to open the cans and get the food out using no other outside materials. The researchers leave the three to their own devices, then come back after an hour.

The physicist is first to be checked on. The researchers find him mouthing out complicated formulas in his head. After a moment, he swings his can into a wall with the proper amount of force and at the correct angle to split the can open.

The engineer is next. His cell is covered in dents, and he is eating from the remnants of a banged-up and broken can when the researchers find him.

Finally, the researchers visit the mathematician's cell. They find him huddled in a corner, cradling the can in his arms, and muttering, "Assume a can opener, assume a can opener, assume a can opener..."


There is a head on collision on a road....

In one car is a Priest and in the other is a Rabbi. As they get out of the cars they realise that neither is even slightly hurt but the cars are totalled.

"Praise the Lord!" says the Priest, "This must be a sign from God that we are to be friends!".

"Indeed it must." agrees the Rabbi.

"And there is a bottle of wine in the boot (US: trunk) of my car that is unbroken. God must wish us to cement our friendship with a drink!"

"Yes, my friend. I agree".

So the priest opens the bottle and hands it to the Rabbi, who takes a large swig. As they sit at the side of the road, talking about their lives, the Rabbi notices that each time he hands the bottle to the Priest he holds it for a few minutes before he hands it back to the Rabbi.

"My friend," he says, "are you not drinking?"

"No," says the Priest, "I'm waiting for the Police"


A thief tripped and fell into wet cement...

He became a hardened criminal.


I ate a lot.

It tasted like cement.


How scared was the man who ate cement?

Lets just say, he shit a brick.


I used to date a Bricklayers daughter..

Cement the world to me.


How do you make a song better using cement?

By remixing it.


Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement right there in the surgery.

'What was the matter?' said the builder.

'In future, just don't wipe yourself with old cement bags.'



Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement?
A: Sparky.


This just in: A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the highway.

The police warn that these are really heavy criminals.


As seen on a masonry truck

Cement shop robbed, police investigators find no concrete evidence


A woman went to get implants in her butt

However, her butt was instead injected with cement. I guess you could say she hit rock bottom


A prison bus crashed into a cement mixer

You should be on the lookout for hardened criminals.


Did you hear about the truck that spilt concrete across the road?

It wasn't cement to happen.


How do you call a cement foundation?

A concrete base.


My son ate some cement...

"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement.

What can I do?"

"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."


The manager of my power drill company was doing so well I promoted him to head of the cement mixer division.

One good turn deserves another.


What does a mobster buried in cement eventually become?

A hardened criminal.


What are the most funny Cement jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cement? Well, here are the best Cement dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cement pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes