cellmate Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cellmate puns

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."


I asked my cellmate how long he's in for.

He said, "Until I ejaculate."


A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.


An inmate went messing, and his cellmate, a cannibal, claimed he had eaten him

The warden didn't believe him, so the cannibal finally threw up his hands out of frustration.


A cannibal was in prison.

One day, he ate his cellmate. The warden did not believe he had eaten the man. The cannibal threw up his hands in frustration.


I once spent a month in prison.

I once spent a month in the slammer.

It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.

On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"

"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."

Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"

"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."


Prison blues.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."


A prison story.

A terrified man was sentenced to prison and placed in a cell with a rather large inmate. The man's fears became realized as his cellmate wandered over to him in the evening with a longing look in his eyes.
"Hey there, let's play house" said the cellmate.
"Uh... Ok, how do I play?"
"Well, first you have to choose. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"
Trying to make the best of a bad situation, the man said "Uhh... I'll be the daddy, I guess."
"Sounds good, Daddy. Now get over here and suck Mommy's dick!.


An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation

"First time?" the black man spoke.

The attorney nodded his head.

"I know how to cheer you up."


"You play house of course, do you want to be the husband or the wife?"

"I'll be the husband!"

"then get over here and suck your wife's dick."


A guy goes to prison..

He walks into his cell for the first time. His cellmate is a big black guy. The first thing his celly says to him is: "You wanna be the husband or the wife?'' To which he replies "Uhhh...The husband?"

"Good, now get over here and suck yo' wife's dick."


One day a cannibal's cellmate went missing, and he told the warden that he ate him..

The warden didn't believe him, so the cannibal finally threw up his hands out of frustration.


A man goes to prison

On his first night, he's pretty nervous. Somebody shouts out "34" and everybody else laughs. He thinks this is weird, but then 5 minutes later, somebody else shouts "23" and everybody else laughs. Then after another 10 minutes, a third prisoner shouts "16" and everybody laughs. His cellmate sees his confusion and tells him "Well, we've been in prison so long telling the same jokes over and over that we decided to just give them numbers. 34 is the one about the nun, the priest, and the antelope. 23 is the one about the Chinaman and the red pot, and 16 is the one about the old cowboy who couldn't piss."

Satisfied, the prisoner goes to rest. 5 minutes later, he hears another prisoner shout "12." This time nobody laughs, so the prisoner looks to his cellmate, who just looks disgusted nd mutters "Bobby never could tell a joke..."


A man goes to prison for the first time

A young man goes to prison for the first time, upon arriving in his cell, his cellmate, a towering monster of a human being says to him: "There is one rule in this cell, you can play the mamma or you can play the daddy. Since this is your first day, I will let you pick." The young man says: "Ok, I will be the daddy." The towering monster then says: "Alright, now come over here and give mamma some head."


Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"

Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."

Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"

And Carl says "I shit. You knot."


A man is sent to prison

upon arriving his biggest fear is being someone's bitch. he gets to his cell and his cellmate tells him I only have two rules. The first is I get the bottom bunk. The man immediately agrees hoping to avoid any confrontation. "The second rule is I like to play house to right now you have to decide if you want to be the husband or the wife?" The man quickly responds husband. Well then get over here and suck your wife's dick.


So man goes to prison

On the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
" What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
" Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good joke huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"


Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.

The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.

"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.

"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"


After having not made love to the wife for months, I couldn't believe it when I woke up this Christmas morning to a surprise blowjob, that quickly turned into hot anal sex!

I really didn't enjoy it nearly as much as my cellmate, though...


One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody

I know my cellmate loves it


Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.

"What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."


A skinny white guy meets his cell-mate for the first time...

Who happens to be a seven and a half foot monster of a black man.
As soon as the guards lock the cell and leave the black man stands up and unzips his trousers. There's a dull thud as his massive cock hits the floor.

He swings it one way, smashing the sink off the wall. He swings it the other, denting the frame of the two-storey bed. The white man cowers.

'Hey, White boy! Suck my dick!' The black man says.

'Thank fuck for that,' he replies, 'I thought you were gonna hit me with it.'


An inmate walks into his cell...

His cellmate asks, "would rather be the mommy or the daddy?"

"Uhm, the daddy I guess?"

"Then get over here and suck mommy's dick."


A scrawny guy get sent to jail...

He's put in his cell and his cellmate stands up.

And continues to stand up. He keeps getting taller and wider, taller and wider. He's massive...like a lineman ate a running back. He leans over the scrawny guy and says...

"You know how this works?"

"No," the scrawny guy squeaks.

"This your first time in?"

"Yes," scrawny squeaks again.

"In each cell, there's a mommy and a daddy. Since this your first time, I'll let you choose. You wanna be mommy or daddy?"

"Daddy!" the scrawny guy screeches.

"All right," says the massive guy. "All right, that's fine. Now get over here and suck momma's dick!"


I think my cellmate was gay last time I went to jail

His dick tasted like shit


My prison cell-mate just asked me if I was tight.

Why does he care about how I spend my money?


Joke teller goes to prison.

Guy goes to prison and is sitting at lunch when he hears "19" and everyone starts laughing. Then he hears "38" and everyone starts laughing again.

Later in his cell he asks his cellmate what is going on. "Well," his cellmate answers, "we have been here so long, we already know all the jokes. So instead of telling the whole thing, we numbered them and just yell out the number."

So the next day, the newcomer yells out "23." Nothing happens. So he yells out "85." Still nothing.

Later in his cell he asks his cellmate why nobody laughed. "Well," his cellmate answers, "that's the thing about jokes. Some people know how to tell them, and some people don't."


Cellmate: what are you in here for?

Me: (snuggling) my bunk is cold


As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.

It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.

"Not tonight, honey." I mumbled. "I'm too tired."

"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.


A man is sent to prison and as he enters his cell for the first time, a big burly tattooed monster of a man stares him down. As the gate closes behind him them the new cellmate gets up and says...

Cellmate: "So I just have one question for you. Do you want to be daddy or do you want to be mommy?"

The new prisoner thinks for a moment, and nervously musters up, "Uhhh... daddy?

The cellmate smiles and tells him, "Good answer! Now, why don't you come on over here and suck mommy's dick?"


This guy gets sent to prison....

He gets put into a cell, his cellmate is 7 foot tall and muscle all over. Scary as hell.

His cellmate says "Hello, let's play a game! Let's play mummies and daddies! Who do you want to be, mummy or daddy ?"

The guy thinks it over agonizingly, and eventually says "okay, I'll be daddy"

His cellmate replies...

"Okay! Come over here and suck mummy's cock!".


My new years resolution is to have more sex!

I Haven't told my cellmate yet though


A prisoner said to me today "Boss, I think my cellmate is a fag"

"cos he closes his eyes when i kiss him goodnight"


What's another word for cellmate?




One day this little white guy gets thrown in prison. His first night there as he is falling asleep, his huge black cellmate Tyrone comes up to him and starts unzipping his jumpsuit and asks him "So you wanna be the husband or the wife?". Hoping for the best, "..the husband" stutters the white guy. Tyrone steps out of his jumpsuit and says "Time to suck yo wife's dick".


It's a convict's first day in prison and his cellmate says,"do you want to be the husband or the wife?"

"What?!" said the convict. So his cellmate says again, "do you want to be the husband or the wife?" He says, "I'll be the husband." So his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck your wife's dick."


What are the most funny Cellmate jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cellmate? Well, here are the best Cellmate dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cellmate pick up lines to share with friends.

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