cell Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cell puns

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

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If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna change my name to mitochondria...

I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.

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What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone

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Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

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So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.

Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.

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As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

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My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

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A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together.

The zoophiliac says, I want to have sex with a cat.

The sadist says, I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.

The pyromaniac says, I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.

The necrophiliac says, Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.

The masochist says, Meow.

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Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

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If you ever get thrown into jail

Introduce yourself as the mitochondria...

You're the powerhouse of the cell.

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What do you call an immigrant and a pedophile in a jail cell together?

Alien vs predator.

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!

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A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

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After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

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Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

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Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."

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A senior citizen was driving down the freeway...

when his wife called his cell phone.

"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said the man, "It's hundreds of them!"

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I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria

Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell

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Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

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A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

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A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To which the Jew said, "Well, I already know Russian..."



*joke not meant to disparage Russians

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A man needs WiFi at the local pub.

A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.

He asks for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.

The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, what's the WiFi password?

The bartender answers: You need to buy a drink first, all lowercase no spaces.

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My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

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If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

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A zoophilic, an arsonist, a necrophiliac and a masochist sit in a cell...

The zoophilic declares: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would fuck it".

The necrophiliac replies: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again".

The arsonist gives his point of view: "If there was a cat here, right now, I would set it on fire, fuck it, kill it, then fuck it again"

And the masochist says: "meow".

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What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

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What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis.

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A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."

To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

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A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

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First time in jail. Nsfw

Large cell mate: Do you want to be the husband or the wife?
Me: I'll be the husband.
Large cell mate: Good, get over here and suck your wife's dick.

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Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?

He had lost his contacts!

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How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it within three days, you can presume it's dead.

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How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

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What are the most funny Cell jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cell? Well, here are the best Cell dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cell pick up lines to share with friends.

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