cell Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cell stories

What are the best Cell puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cell? Well here is a complete list of Cell dad jokes:

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.


A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"


The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??


Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.

"What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."


Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.


As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"


Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."


A cell phone rings in a full mens locker room, the man answers the phone

He puts it on speaker.

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and i just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and i just stopped by at the Lexus dealership and saw one i really liked, can i have it?

Man "How much is it?"

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Well if it's that much i want it with all the features."

Woman: "Ofcourse, one more thing. I just finished talking to Sarah, and the and the house i wanted is back on the market, they're asking 980.000 for it."

Man: "Ok, make an offer for 900.000, if they don't take it offer them the extra 80k if that's what you really want."

Woman: " Thank you so much honey, love you, bye!"

Man: "Love you too, bye."

The man hung up, everyone in the locker room was staring at him in astonishment. The man then calmly looked around and asked "Ok, whose phone is this?"


A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to know.

The KGB finally comes for the Italian. The Englishman and the Frenchman wait for hours, wondering what has become of their friend. Finally, 12 hours later, the KGB dump a badly beaten Italian back in the cell. The Frenchman and Englishman both help him up, and ask him, "Why didn't you tell them, how did you hold out so long?"

The Italian replies, "I tried to tell them, I really did, but they wouldn't untie my hands!"


A man is spending his first night in prison...

He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them."
A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws.
The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!"
He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?"
His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."


Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.


A lawyer goes to prison

A shady lawyer get sentenced to a prison term after his actions are revealed. When he gets put on his cell, he sees that his cell mate is a massive 300 lb southerner. He says hello.

"You gonna be the husband, or you gonna be the wife?" His cell mate asks.

"Umm, no thank you," responds the lawyer.

"You gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife?" Is asked again.

"Listen, I don't wanna be either, I just want to do my time man." says the lawyer.

Now his cell mate starts to look really angry. "I'm gonna ask you one more time motha fucka, you gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife!?"

"Shit shit shit" the lawyer thinks in a panic, "husband or wife, give it or take it, fuck!"

"I'll be the husband!" he yells.

"Good, now that we have that out of the way, get over here and suck your wife's dick."


Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?

He had lost his contacts!


Russian prisoners

Three guys find themselves in the same cell in a Soviet prison. They ask each other what their crimes were.

The first guy says that he used to report 15 minutes late to work everyday. He was charged with laziness and thrown in jail.

The second guy says that he used to report 15 minutes early to work everyday. He was accused of being a spy and thrown in jail.

They look at the third guy who says, "I used to arrive exactly on time at work every day."

"What sort of a crime is that?" the other two ask.

"I was accused of owning an American watch."


A bIack man walks into a bar...

and his cell mate laughs his ass off.


Why did the black man walk into a bar?

Because the cell door was still locked.


What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer?

Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.


What did one cell say to his sister cell when he stubbed his toe?



I'll show myself out.


I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.

First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!


Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:

"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.

Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:

"Who's Paula?"


An old man goes in to town...

An old man decides to go into town one day to run some errands. On the way back, his wife calls his cell phone.

"Look out honey, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on the interstate."

"Not just one car, they all are!"


Mommy or Daddy

As i walked into the jail cell the big burly man in the corner asked me, "Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

I said, "I guess i'll be the daddy"

"Ok, now get over here and suck momma's dick."



There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods...

When one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing,his eyes are rolled back in his head.The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He yells,"MY FRIEND IS DEAD!!WHAT CAN I DO?!?!"The operator says,"Calm down,I can help.First let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.The guy comes back and says,"Ok,now what?!?"


Three prisoners

There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted.

Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before.

The second man is released... stumbles three steps, and falls over.

The third man is released from his cell, walks out, and asks "does anyone have a lighter?"


An English guy goes to prison in Russia.

An English guy goes to prison in Russia. His huge Russian cell mate tells him "I'm not going to lie, I'm going to fuck you, only question is, you want it with Vaseline, or without Vaseline?"
The English guy says "if you're going to fuck me, I think I'd prefer with Vaseline"
The Russian leans out of the cell and and shouts "VASELINE, COME ON HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU TOO!"


What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys?

Niggaless Cage

(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.)


Anyone there?

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:


Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."


Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.


Why did the 2 stem cell researchers get a divorce?

Because they grew a part.


What did one cell say to his sister that stepped on his toe?



A guy goes to prison..

He walks into his cell for the first time. His cellmate is a big black guy. The first thing his celly says to him is: "You wanna be the husband or the wife?'' To which he replies "Uhhh...The husband?"

"Good, now get over here and suck yo' wife's dick."


At the end of the 1930s in a small cell of a Soviet prison

At the end of the 1930s three man share a cell in a Soviet prison awaiting their execution. Sitting silently the whole time the first man wants to break the ice and asks:

"So guys, how did you end up in here?"

The second man replies:

"I'm in here for voting for Ivan Iwanowitsch in 1933. What about you?"

The first man again:

"They imprisoned me because in 1936 I voted against Ivan Iwanowitsch."

Then both men move their eyes to the third one and ask.

"What brought you in here?"

Seemingly pissed off by the question he just angrily mumbles:

"I am Ivan Iwanowitsch."


Hunters in the Woods

'Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ''Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, ''OK, now what?'


Prison wives

There's a man who goes to prison. When he gets there the guards strip search him, de-louse him, and hand him a bright orange jumpsuit. Then he's escorted to his cell which already has one other occupant who happens to be quite a large strapping individual. The cell bars slam shut behind the new inmate and his new cell mate stands up and asks "you wanna be the husband or the wife"? The new inmate stammers and replies "well since I have a choice I'd rather be the husband" his cell mate retorts "that's fine by me, now get over here and suck your wife's dick".


What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other?

Lets get Jobs!


What did the cell say to his sister who stepped on his toe?



Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list?

Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.


Meow !!

4 men in a prison cell, a rapist, murderer, psycho and finally a gay man.

Rapist says, "If there was a cat in here I'd fuck it till it dies!'

The murderer replies, "Once you were done I'd torture it further!"

The psycho pipes in, "Oh yeah?, once your were done I'd fuck it till I die!"

The gay man in the corner listening in, very softly says, "Meow"


How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.


Funny Jokes | Bad Drivers Joke

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''


I'm sitting in a jail cell

and it's killing me that I was arrested for something so stupid. On a dare, I robbed a kitchen supply store. Sure, the expensive knives would have been great, and who doesn't want a food processor?

But all in all, it just wasn't work the whisk.


Why did Frodo set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.


A man is sent to prison

upon arriving his biggest fear is being someone's bitch. he gets to his cell and his cellmate tells him I only have two rules. The first is I get the bottom bunk. The man immediately agrees hoping to avoid any confrontation. "The second rule is I like to play house to right now you have to decide if you want to be the husband or the wife?" The man quickly responds husband. Well then get over here and suck your wife's dick.


What do they call me in prison?

Mitochondria, cause I'm the powerhouse of the cell


So there are two blondes stranded on an island....

One of them finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. He says, "I shall grant you each one wish". The blonde who rubbed the lamp requests a cell phone to call for help, however, it was useless because there was no reception on the island. The second blonde said, "I want to be smarter than this other blonde!" So, the genie pointed her to the bridge.


A skinny white guy meets his cell-mate for the first time...

Who happens to be a seven and a half foot monster of a black man.
As soon as the guards lock the cell and leave the black man stands up and unzips his trousers. There's a dull thud as his massive cock hits the floor.

He swings it one way, smashing the sink off the wall. He swings it the other, denting the frame of the two-storey bed. The white man cowers.

'Hey, White boy! Suck my dick!' The black man says.

'Thank fuck for that,' he replies, 'I thought you were gonna hit me with it.'


What does prison have in common with biology?

Cell culture.


How did the Nucleus escape from prison?

through the cell wall.


John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and Larry said, "My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake! What should I do?"

"First of all, stay calm," said the doctor. "Do you have a pocket knife?"


"Good. You'll have to locate the two fang marks."


"Take your knife and make a shallow incision right across the marks."


"Then put your lips over the incision and suck. Keep it up for a minute or so. That should get all the venom out, and your friend will be fine."

"Gotcha, thanks!"

He hung up and went over to John.

"What did the doctor say?" asked John.

"He said you're going to die."



You've red some of the best cell jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about cell. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty cell gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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