Celebrity Jokes
164 celebrity jokes and hilarious celebrity puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about celebrity that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is full of hilarious celebrity jokes that will have you laughing out loud. From funny one-liners to sharp comebacks, these jokes are sure to entertain. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a good laugh courtesy of some of Hollywood’s biggest stars.
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Funniest Celebrity Short Jokes
Short celebrity jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The celebrity humour may include short famous people jokes also.
- Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people. In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
- As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
- I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
- Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.
- I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it.. With me crying and the people around me celebrating.
- Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table... The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!" - An atom walks into a bar… Bartender: What are you doing here?
Atom: I'm celebrating the loss of an electron.
Bartender: I'm keeping my ion you.
Atom: Don't worry, I'll keep things positive. - My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
"thirty-second birthday."
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Celebrity One Liners
Which celebrity one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with celebrity? I can suggest the ones about movie star and actress.
- Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!! And it only took me 14 years
- I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.
- Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.
- Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.
- How did Elon Musk celebrate 420? With SpaceX going up in smoke.
- How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father's Day? Solo
- How does North Korea celebrate Christmas? With missile tows
- Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon
- Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then WHAM!
- Pride Month should be celebrated in September. As we know, Pride cometh before the Fall.
- I celebrate 4/20 On 1/5
Simplify your fractions! - Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM (George Michael)
- How do sunflowers celebrate the summer solstice? They turn up the "sun"tastic vibes!
- How did the programmer celebrate his birthday? var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];
- How do you organize a fantastic winter solstice celebration? Just chill and let it snow!
Celebrity Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny celebrity name jokes and even better celebrity name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent. Poor Chris Pratt
- TIL Helen Keller has a waterfall named after her, to celebrate her story of learning about water. It's named Helen Keller Falls
- What is the celebrity couple name for Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping? kimchi
- I realized that Oprah is one of the few celebrities to love up to her name. Because her audience members Winfrey stuff.
- Next Sunday is the "Feast of the Circumcision"... ...the service that celebrates the circumcision and naming of Jesus Christ. As the organist, perhaps I should play "O Sacred Head, Now Wounded."
- Did you know Superman has a brother who doesn't celebrate Christmas? His name is No-El.
Merry Christmas! - Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as he who shall not be named.
- Goku and Superman once had a baby his name is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris roundhoused some wannabe cop named Agent Sasevel so hard that it rearranged the letters of his name to Steven Seagal.
- Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
Celebrity Halloween Jokes
Here is a list of funny celebrity halloween jokes and even better celebrity halloween puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I celebrate Halloween in August When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.
- Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween? Because Oct31 = Dec25
- How do red necks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin
- Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate... ... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!
- Why doesn't India celebrate halloween? No Gandhi
- How do people from Arkansas celebrate Halloween? They pumpkin!
- How is Halloween celebrated in Kentucky? pumpkin
- Darth Vader wears a Chuck Norris mask for Halloween.
Dead Celebrity Jokes
Here is a list of funny dead celebrity jokes and even better dead celebrity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle. After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.
- What's your favorite (non racist)dead celebrity joke? Here's mine: What did Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.
- Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead.
I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now. - If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney.
Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction... - They're doing a remake of the 6th Sense starring Youtube celebrities.... --"I film dead people"--
- What has more Dead Celebrities A graveyard or Brazil?
- 2016; all your favourite celebrities are dead
- On a day when you're celebrating your faith... ...and then WHAM! George Michael's dead!
Celebrity Death Jokes
Here is a list of funny celebrity death jokes and even better celebrity death puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A friend told me that there is a place the celebrities go after they fake their deaths. Michael Jackson is there. Elvis. Tupac. I thanked him for telling me about this
He replied "No Biggie." - Irony: I baked a Death By Chocolate Cake... and gave it to my dog to celebrate his birthday.
- Buzzfeed in 10 years... "Celebrity Deaths of 2016"
\#4,562 will shock you! - Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore. - Celebrities keep dying over minor causes. Petty deaths.
- Celebrity Deaths would scare Stevie Wonder. But he would never see death coming.
- Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died?
Everyone at Apple are crying their's out! - Bruce Lee is the only person that lived from a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
He died a year later. - James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris killed Heath Ledger... nobody ruins the image of cowboys and lives.
Celebrity Roast Jokes
Here is a list of funny celebrity roast jokes and even better celebrity roast puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a coast ghost that's a guest at a celebrity ghost roast? A ghost toastie!
- What is the most famous and exclusive cut of meat you can buy? A Celebrity Roast
Laughable Celebrity Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about celebrity you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean famous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make celebrity pranks.
I bet rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...
to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Happy Birthday Henry
Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a h**... to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary
That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom n**... and starts playing with her n**....
"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"
"I wanna to s**... them dry," he says.
She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"
"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.
She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"
"I think I did a pretty good job at both."
The average person has s**... 90 times a year.
Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
Dinner with my wife
I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cultural Diversity--True Story
When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."
That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.
"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.
In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"
We never went back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
A husband and wife...
A husband and wife are celebrating their 10th anniversary. The husband surprises her and takes her on a vacation to a tropical island, far away. Getting excited the wife says, "If this is for our 10th anniversary then what are you planning for our 25th?" The husband says back, "I'll send over a jet to pick you up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...
This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
So to celebrate the Halloween season...
... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
I was at a job interview...
I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg
A Michael Sam joke
After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien
A bunch of blondes are celebrating in a bar
Everytime the bartender brings a round they all get up cheering;
10 DAYS---10 DAYS
After the third round the bartender inquires as to what the celebration is all about,
So, one of the blonde says, "We made a puzzle in 10 days"
"10 days? That's not really something to celebrate about",
OH YEAH, well it did say 2 to 4 years on the box!!!
A new monk arrives at the monastery.....
and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
A monk decides to become a scribe...
When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.
The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...
"It says 'celebrate'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.
Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".
They were a little on the Chewy side.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....
....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute
After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
136 days!
Three guys are celebrating in a bar.
They keep high-fiving each other and yelling, " " " "
They are so excited, the bartender can't stand it any longer.
"Hey," he says, "what are you guys celebrating?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle!" says one of them.
"You finished a jigsaw puzzle???" says the bartender. "How come that's so exciting?"
"Well, it said on the box 'Four to six years'!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenage boy goes up to his father
"Father I am not a v**... anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"
60th birthday
Last year my mother should have been celebrating her , but because of drugs, alcohol and many hard years of addition. we all forgot...
Why don't the Bulgarians, Greeks, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don't like Turkey.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...
Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....
I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March
I was born in November
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my boss
I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. p**...'s day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.
Know anyone hiring?
A group of blondes walk into a bar
A group of blondes walk into a bar celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a bartender goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.
The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.
Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?
Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero
My sister turns 42 on Monday
Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.
"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."
When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."
A man and wife see a drunk guy
Ah, look at Patrick. says the wife.
Who's Patrick? says the husband.
The drunk guy, you know, we were a couple 10 years ago and he proposed to me back then. But I rejected him.
Good to see he's still celebrating.
I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act
I gave him 5 stars.
The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.
So wake me up when it's all over
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."
"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first b**...," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....
It's my thirty second birthday...
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ask Reddit be like "If you could have s**... with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"
I'd choose alive. w**....
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...
Canada Day was yesterday!
This 4th of July, the British should celebrate independence day too.
Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My career's in ruins!
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?
My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, Then why the h**... are you celebrating?
I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.
f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.
A couple had been married for 35 years,
the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.
To my suprise she said presidents day.
I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.
She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull s**....
