JokoJokes

Celebrity Jokes

171 celebrity jokes and hilarious celebrity puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about celebrity that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article is full of hilarious celebrity jokes that will have you laughing out loud. From funny one-liners to sharp comebacks, these jokes are sure to entertain. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a good laugh courtesy of some of Hollywood’s biggest stars.

Funniest Celebrity Short Jokes

Short celebrity jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The celebrity humour may include short famous people jokes also.

  1. Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
  2. I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
  3. In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people. In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
  4. As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
  5. I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th... Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.
  6. I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
  7. I just found out that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like random strangers showing up at their door.
  8. Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.
  9. TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween... I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors
  10. I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it.. With me crying and the people around me celebrating.

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Celebrity One Liners

Which celebrity one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with celebrity? I can suggest the ones about movie star and actress.

  1. Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!! And it only took me 14 years
  2. I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.
  3. Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.
  4. Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.
  5. How did Elon Musk celebrate 420? With SpaceX going up in smoke.
  6. How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father's Day? Solo
  7. How does North Korea celebrate Christmas? With missile tows
  8. Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon
  9. Just when we thought there were no more celebrities to die and then WHAM!
  10. Pride Month should be celebrated in September. As we know, Pride cometh before the Fall.
  11. I celebrate 4/20 On 1/5
    Simplify your fractions!
  12. Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM (George Michael)
  13. How do sunflowers celebrate the summer solstice? They turn up the "sun"tastic vibes!
  14. How did the programmer celebrate his birthday? var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];
  15. How do you organize a fantastic winter solstice celebration? Just chill and let it snow!

Celebrity Christmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny celebrity christmas jokes and even better celebrity christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween? Because Oct31 = Dec25
  • Jewish If a Jew celebrates christmas they're only Jewish.
  • I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12... But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.
  • Why do programmers celebrate Halloween and Christmas on the same day? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
  • What does Christmas and a divorce have in common? Some celebrate it, some don't.
  • The twelve days of Jokemas, day twelve What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?
    It's in the present
    Merry Christmas everyone!
  • Why do mathematicians/programmers celebrate Halloween and Christmas on the same day? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25
  • "SANTA BEGONE!" That's the last time I hire a dyslexic priest! Now my family can't celebrate Christmas and my daughter's possessed.
  • What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes? Jew-ish
  • How do jews celebrate Christmas? By installing a parking meter on the roof.

Celebrity Name Jokes

Here is a list of funny celebrity name jokes and even better celebrity name puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent. Poor Chris Pratt
  • Dad: Did you hear about the celebrity that killed her husband? Dad: Her name was Reese...
    Son: Witherspoon?
    Dad: No, with her knife.
  • TIL Helen Keller has a waterfall named after her, to celebrate her story of learning about water. It's named Helen Keller Falls
  • Now that Macron has won in France and Merkel heads Germany... they shall be known by their celebrity couple name: Mackerel.
  • What is the celebrity couple name for Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping? kimchi
  • I realized that Oprah is one of the few celebrities to love up to her name. Because her audience members Winfrey stuff.
  • Next Sunday is the "Feast of the Circumcision"... ...the service that celebrates the circumcision and naming of Jesus Christ. As the organist, perhaps I should play "O Sacred Head, Now Wounded."
  • Did you know Superman has a brother who doesn't celebrate Christmas? His name is No-El.
    Merry Christmas!
  • Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as he who shall not be named.
  • I think I banged a Chinese celebrity. She kept screaming "I'm Wei Tu Yung" like I was supposed to know the name.
Celebrity joke

Celebrity Halloween Jokes

Here is a list of funny celebrity halloween jokes and even better celebrity halloween puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I celebrate Halloween in August When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.
  • How do red necks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin
  • What do Alabama folks and children celebrating Halloween have in common? They both wanna pump kin
  • Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate... ... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!
  • Why doesn't India celebrate halloween? No Gandhi
  • How do people from Arkansas celebrate Halloween? They pumpkin!
  • How is Halloween celebrated in Kentucky? pumpkin
  • Why don't black guys celebrate Halloween? Because Father's Day scares them enough.
  • I don't celebrate Halloween but if I did I'd be carving your face Cause I always make my pumpkin smile
  • Darth Vader wears a Chuck Norris mask for Halloween.

Celebrity Death Jokes

Here is a list of funny celebrity death jokes and even better celebrity death puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A friend told me that there is a place the celebrities go after they fake their deaths. Michael Jackson is there. Elvis. Tupac. I thanked him for telling me about this
    He replied "No Biggie."
  • Irony: I baked a Death By Chocolate Cake... and gave it to my dog to celebrate his birthday.
  • Just when you think the celebrity deaths are done for 2016, Wham! there's one more.
  • Buzzfeed in 10 years... "Celebrity Deaths of 2016"
    \#4,562 will shock you!
  • The difference between Germany and Russia. One actually celebrates their alcholicism while the other drink themselves to death.
  • Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead.
    I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.
  • Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction.
    He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
  • Celebrities keep dying over minor causes. Petty deaths.
  • Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
    A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.
  • If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney.
    Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...

Celebrity Roast Jokes

Here is a list of funny celebrity roast jokes and even better celebrity roast puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a coast ghost that's a guest at a celebrity ghost roast? A ghost toastie!
  • What is the most famous and exclusive cut of meat you can buy? A Celebrity Roast
  • I was thinking of hosting a gathering of celebrities where we make harsh jokes about honoree JLO's backside. Think of it as a r**... roast.
Celebrity joke, I was thinking of hosting a gathering of celebrities where we make harsh jokes about honoree JLO's b

Laughable Celebrity Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about celebrity you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean famous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make celebrity pranks.

My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".

An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...

to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'

Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a h**... to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

A husband and wife celebrate their 30th anniversary

That night, the wife comes out of the bathroom n**... and starts playing with her n**....
"What did you think the first time you saw these 30 years ago?"
"I wanna to s**... them dry," he says.
She crawls onto the bed, "What did you think when you saw all this 30 years ago?"
"I wanted to screw your brains out, baby," he says with a smile.
She giggles, teasingly, "What are you thinking now?"
"I think I did a pretty good job at both."

Dinner with my wife

I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....

Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

A husband and wife...

A husband and wife are celebrating their 10th anniversary. The husband surprises her and takes her on a vacation to a tropical island, far away. Getting excited the wife says, "If this is for our 10th anniversary then what are you planning for our 25th?" The husband says back, "I'll send over a jet to pick you up."

A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...

This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

A guy walks into a bar

He orders 9 scotches, straight up.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a a lot of scotch. You must be celebrating?"
Guy: "Yes. My first b**...."
Bartender: "Well then, the tenth one is me!"
Guy: "If the first nine don't get the taste out of my mouth, ten won't either."

A new monk arrives at the monastery.....

and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."

Was walking by a mental hospital when...

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.

A monk decides to become a scribe...

When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.
The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...
"It says 'celebrate'."

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

Colorblind people are wondering why is everyone on Facebook is celebrating Fifty Shades of Grey

Husband and wife go to a club

They notice a guy on the dance floor giving everyone a show. He's breakdancing, moon walking and even throwing in a few backflips. The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy on the dance floor? He proposed to be 25 years ago and I turned him down!"
Husband says "Yeah looks like he's still celebrating!"

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

3 ladies are celebrating in a bar..

3 blondes are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies ''what are you celebrating about?'' The blondes reply ''we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.''

A husband and wife are sitting in a bar.

They see a man downing beer across the room.
The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."
The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"

I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute

After all, it was her thirty second birthday.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

136 days!

Three guys are celebrating in a bar.
They keep high-fiving each other and yelling, " " " "
They are so excited, the bartender can't stand it any longer.
"Hey," he says, "what are you guys celebrating?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle!" says one of them.
"You finished a jigsaw puzzle???" says the bartender. "How come that's so exciting?"
"Well, it said on the box 'Four to six years'!"

Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...

The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"

A teenage boy goes up to his father

"Father I am not a v**... anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"

Why don't the Bulgarians, Greeks, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they don't like Turkey.

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....

My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.

After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

"thirty-second birthday."

A group of blondes walk into a bar

A group of blondes walk into a bar celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a bartender goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"

Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Jägermeister.
The bartender looks at him and says "Wow 6 shots of Jäger! You must be celebrating something."

The man replies,"You bet I am! I am celebrating my first b**...."
"Hey congrats man!" says the Bartender "I'll get you a 7th shot on the house"
The man replies "No thank you. If 6 shots of Jäger doesn't get rid of this taste nothing will."

A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said...

"Oh my God! He's still celebrating."

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) n**... in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East?

Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero

A man and wife see a drunk guy

Ah, look at Patrick. says the wife.
Who's Patrick? says the husband.
The drunk guy, you know, we were a couple 10 years ago and he proposed to me back then. But I rejected him.
Good to see he's still celebrating.

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas

My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white

If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first b**...," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...

The wife turns to her husband and says, See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

The husband replies, It looks like he's still celebrating.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"

My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up.
After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
This is your thirty-second birthday...

Son proudly tells Dad : Dad, I lost my virginity!

Dad : That's my boy! Let's sit down and celebrate this!
Son: I can't sit down it kinda hurts..

Ask Reddit be like "If you could have s**... with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. w**....

I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.** 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!** 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"** 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate independence day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

My career's in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?
My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, Then why the h**... are you celebrating?
I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

Celebrity joke, A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her

jokes about celebrity