celebrity Jokes

Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad.

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building.
He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
One hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says:
"Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds: "Oh, it's really simple physics.
When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!", exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!."
So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it.
Why?
Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex.
No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.

Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.

I bet Rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.

Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!

When Superman wants vacation time it has to be approved by Chuck Norris.

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York.
It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
“This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him.
“Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.”
“Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”
“No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs.
“Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it.
He climbs over the sill and falls out.
He drops 10… 20… 30… 40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says.
“Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.”
And with that, he falls out the window again.
He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window.
He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50…60…70…80…90… 100 feet and splat — he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back...
So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down.
A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!"
At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building.
The blonde then orders the Same beer.
She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window.
And falls to her death.
The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."

If Charlie Sheen is winning, it's only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

What's the difference between Batman and a Black man?
Batman can go to the store without robin.

Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah... now he has no ears.

Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full".
That's just 3 random words.
I'm going to try now.
Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.

Chuck Norris is the reason why George Michael is never gonna dance again.

Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.

The only reason Osama Bin Laden is dead is because they finally let Chuck Norris into Pakistan...

What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The dashboard.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares of Chuck Norris

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?
Chocolate filled.

How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most niggers?
He promised to create jobs for them if elected.

All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.

Why does Rick Ross rap about cars when he cant fit in them.

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go."
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

Chuck Norris killed Heath Ledger... nobody ruins the image of cowboys and lives.

Chuck Norris once appeared on celebrity wipeout.
They had to end the season after he destroyed the sucker punch wall with his chin.

Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual.
She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.

Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

Wolverine has been called indestructible because of his adamantium skeleton... until Chuck Norris broke every bone in his body.

Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce.
"I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

Yo'Mama is so stupid, she threw a baseball at Batman.

Justin Timberlake didn't bring sexy back Chuck Norris did.

Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as he who shall not be named.

Superman and The Flash have a race around the world.
Who wins?
Chuck Norris.

Bruce Wayne first tried wearing a Chuck Norris mask to inspire fear, until he saw himself in the mirror.
He immediately changed to the Batman

Chuck Norris was supposed to play the lead role in Mission: Impossible.
He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the tittle wouldn't make any sense.

Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.

Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, hes' known as Super Man.

Chuck Norris roundhoused some wannabe cop named Agent Sasevel so hard that it rearranged the letters of his name to Steven Seagal.

Chuck Norris once gave a man an apple.
Today that man is known as Steve Jobs.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".

I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.

What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down?
Hoe-Down.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children.
You put groceries in the other.

Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino from IBM are arguing about the future of 32-bit operating systems.
They decide to throw a coin.
Cannavino: "If the number is up, OS/2 will be the new standard, if it’s head Windows95 will be the new standard."
Gates: "Hey, you forgot Windows NT."
Cannavino: "No, I didn’t. If the coin falls on end, Windows NT will be the future."

Elvis Presley, Richard Petty, Budweiser, and Michael Jackson all call Chuck Norris "The King".

Q: What is the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?
A: Harry Potter escaped the chamber.

Growing up, Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a mother and a father.
He had a mother and a motherf*cker.

Yo mama's so ugly that slender-man ran from her.
She's also the reason why slender-man doesn't have eyes.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Einstein's theory of relativity is still a theory.

Is Snoop serious? Or is Snoop Lion?

Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.
Nobody would survive anyway.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”?
The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”

If Chuck Norris appears in your dream, don't panic, he is only looking for Freddy Krueger.

How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic?
He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.

Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson

James Bond was trained by Chuck Norris, as his butler.

Nothing beats a woman with a beautiful singing voice.
Except for Chris Brown.

Q: Why don't you ask Yoda for money?
A: He is always a little to short.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

Chuck Norris once encountered the men in black and he still remembers it.

Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra with 3 Playboy Playmates
A: Hugh Hefner.

Pawn Stars:
Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?"
Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."

I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.

In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years.
24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies.
AND that girl stole his bacon.

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat!

When Bruce Banner's angry he turn into the Hulk.
When the Hulk's angry he turns into Chuck Norris

A man once insulted Chuck Norris by saying he was smarter than him.
That man was Stephen Hawking.

Ozzy Ozbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not one to be outdone, Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman!

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
He was a rough rider!

Chuck Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.

Nothing beats a beautiful woman who can sing... except Chris Brown.

Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like...
Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead.
I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.

Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.

Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died?
Everyone at Apple are crying their's out!

Voldemort once ran into Chuck Norris.
He is now known as Harry Potter.

Q: What does Superman, Batman, and Ironman have in common?
A: When they were kids they wanted to be Chuck Norris

Justin Bieber puked on stage.
That settles it, she's pregnant.

Goku and Superman once had a baby his name is Chuck Norris.

Yo momma so black Batman came and said damn b*tch I thought I was the dark night.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?"
I said "Because he didn't die in real life"

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper.
He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip.
A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
"Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled.
The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
"How did you survive that jump?"
"I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."
So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink.
He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it.
He then jumps out the window and... SPLAT!
Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman... you can be a real jerk when youre drunk."

Chuck Norris once separated his powers into five people, they are now called The Avengers.

I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".

At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…

Charlie Sheen winning?
Chuck Norris says "I think not."

Superman got his powers when Chuck Norris sneezed on him.

James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.

Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise?
A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree?
Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.

Yo Momma so fat and ugly that when she applied to become a movie star she got the part "Godzilla".

Is Lady Gaga wonder woman because we all wonder if she's a woman?