celebrity Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious celebrity puns

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over

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The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese, with her spoon

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It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent.

Poor Chris Pratt

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George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.

He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.

His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."

Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."

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A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?"

The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars."


The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?"


The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man."


The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"


"Well of course! " she exclaims.


Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars"


And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it."


When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?"


"Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically were living with two whores and a fag."

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I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.

"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."

"What does your current husband do?"

"Oh he's a funeral director."

The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.

"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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Another sad news on an international celebrity...

Justin Bieber was found alive in her condo earlier today.

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A guy is in a shipwreck…

The only survivors are him and (insert you favorite celebrity/supermodel here). The two are there for years and in spite of her celebrity and his relative ordinariness the two fall in love and live very happily together for many years. One day she tells him, "Ive been so happy with you these past years. I never would have thought I could be so happy alone with just one person in a situation like this. Is there anything that you truly miss that I might be able to do for you?" He said that his best friend back in the world was named Ed and he asked her if she would let him pretend that she was Ed for just a few minutes. She was very happy to be able to do something so simple for him and of course said yes. He said, "Great! Lets go for a walk on the beach." After a few minutes walking on the beach he turns to her and says,"Hey Ed, you'll never believe who I've been fuckin'!"

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I was walking down a street in Hollywood and ran into a celebrity with a Mohawk and jewelry. He looked at me and said, I piy the fool!

I said, Hey, you missed a T!

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What did Donald Trump say on the season finale of Celebrity President?

"Nuclear missiles ... you're fired!"

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Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless....

It's Chris Hansen.

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There's nothing funny about leaked celebrity nudes

Which is good because it's hard to masturbate while laughing.

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Just a joke I know.

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others" She replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" The interviewer inquired.
"This one will be my fourth." She replied. "I was married in my 20s to a banker, then my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher"

"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me." She replied "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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What do they call the lottery in Africa?

Celebrity adoption.

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It's amazing how much has changed since the 80s

Back then we had a celebrity president with ultraconservative views and a cult following who was obsessed with a wall in the White House, a female Prime Minister with a complicated relationship with the EU and a total disregard for the poor of the country in Number Ten, the Russians were under a regime that made idols of their leaders, took part in mass espionage schemes and got involved in wars in Muslim Countries and we all lived in fear of Nuclear War.

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Did you hear about the recent celebrity murder?

Sheryl Crow, Russel Crowe, and Cameron Crowe all happened to be in one room. Nobody was injured.

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What do you call porn star celebrity look-a-likes?

Doppelbangers.

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Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?

Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?

Michael Jackson

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Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

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What's rich and has no talent?

A celebrity.

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Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

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Now that Macron has won in France and Merkel heads Germany...

they shall be known by their celebrity couple name: Mackerel.

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Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle.

After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.

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What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children.
You put groceries in the other.

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Mother Teresa joke

So a man gets onto a celebrity games how called celebrity 20 questions. Each contestant gets paired up with a celebrity from the panel and each round you are given a word and you must get your celebrity to guess what it is. It's his turn and the host announces he's been teamed up with Mother Teresa. He thinks to himself "Alright, not bad. She's really old and wise. This should be cake."

Then he gets his word and it's FAT DICK.

He thinks to himself, "Fuck! I can't get mother Teresa to say fat dick. Even if I could it would mean I'm going to hell.... Ugh, But I REALLY NEED THE MONEY!"

He decides to give it his best shot.

Mother Teresa asked her first question.

"Can you eat it?"

The man thinks... "Well, kind of"


Mother Teresa asks without hesitation -
"Is it a FAT DICK?"

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What's a reindeer's favourite celebrity?

Beyonsleigh

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Who's the most generous celebrity?

Cher

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Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.


They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

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Did you hear about the most recent celebrity drug addict?

I Don't know how we missed it for so long, but it turns out that Humpy Dumpty was actually a crack head

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Chris Brown has been receiving support from celebrity friends.

We wish Chris all the best and expect to see him soon, said O.J. Simpson.

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What's your favorite (non racist)dead celebrity joke? Here's mine: What did Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

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Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.


Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?

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The Unknown Celebrity

The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decided "why not?" And so, the Pope and the driver switch spots and pull out of the airport. On the freeway, the Pope gets a bit too excited and starts to push more on the accelerator. Suddenly the a siren rings out. The Pope pulls over and pulls out his passport. The cop walks up and the Pope rolls down the window. "What seems to be the problem officer?" The officer immediately recognizes His Holiness and runs back to squad car. He quickly radios into headquarters. "Boss, I just pulled over a huge celebrity! What should I do?" His captain radios back, "Well....who is it?" "Sir, I have no idea. But it has to be some one big....he's got the Pope driving for him!"

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What are the most funny Celebrity jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Celebrity? Well, here are the best Celebrity dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Celebrity pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes