So wake me up when it's all over
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
Reese, with her spoon
Poor Chris Pratt
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Justin Bieber was found alive in her condo earlier today.
The only survivors are him and (insert you favorite celebrity/supermodel here). The two are there for years and in spite of her celebrity and his relative ordinariness the two fall in love and live very happily together for many years. One day she tells him, "Ive been so happy with you these past years. I never would have thought I could be so happy alone with just one person in a situation like this. Is there anything that you truly miss that I might be able to do for you?" He said that his best friend back in the world was named Ed and he asked her if she would let him pretend that she was Ed for just a few minutes. She was very happy to be able to do something so simple for him and of course said yes. He said, "Great! Lets go for a walk on the beach." After a few minutes walking on the beach he turns to her and says,"Hey Ed, you'll never believe who I've been fuckin'!"
I said, Hey, you missed a T!
"Nuclear missiles ... you're fired!"
It's Chris Hansen.
There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others" She replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" The interviewer inquired.
"This one will be my fourth." She replied. "I was married in my 20s to a banker, then my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher"
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me." She replied "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Celebrity adoption.
Back then we had a celebrity president with ultraconservative views and a cult following who was obsessed with a wall in the White House, a female Prime Minister with a complicated relationship with the EU and a total disregard for the poor of the country in Number Ten, the Russians were under a regime that made idols of their leaders, took part in mass espionage schemes and got involved in wars in Muslim Countries and we all lived in fear of Nuclear War.
Sheryl Crow, Russel Crowe, and Cameron Crowe all happened to be in one room. Nobody was injured.
A celebrity.
Chuck Norris has proven Newton's third law of physics, there is no force equal to a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?
Michael Jackson
True story, it was Brie Larson.
I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.
After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.
I said, Hey, you missed a t.
Matthew McConaughay
JK
they shall be known by their celebrity couple name: Mackerel.
Cher
Beyonsleigh
would be a Type-A Personality
I Don't know how we missed it for so long, but it turns out that Humpy Dumpty was actually a crack head
They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
We wish Chris all the best and expect to see him soon, said O.J. Simpson.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decided "why not?" And so, the Pope and the driver switch spots and pull out of the airport. On the freeway, the Pope gets a bit too excited and starts to push more on the accelerator. Suddenly the a siren rings out. The Pope pulls over and pulls out his passport. The cop walks up and the Pope rolls down the window. "What seems to be the problem officer?" The officer immediately recognizes His Holiness and runs back to squad car. He quickly radios into headquarters. "Boss, I just pulled over a huge celebrity! What should I do?" His captain radios back, "Well....who is it?" "Sir, I have no idea. But it has to be some one big....he's got the Pope driving for him!"
So I became a celebrity hitman
Wham! there's one more.
Apparentley "Like a glove" is crossing the line
"Celebrity Deaths of 2016"
\#4,562 will shock you!
Kimchi
"Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife!"
Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)
Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither...
Guy 2: Witherspoon?
Guy 1: No, with her knife.
Classic that I haven't seen for awhile
I'll be Bach.
When you are an eight year old in the hospital.
Evidently she thought it included the actor playing George in the local production of "Our Town."
I guess you could say they want to live vichairiously
"You discussed me!"
How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
apparently he was fisting his co workers for years and everyone just watched!
It's old, attracts older people, has received many plastic surgeries, and just won't die already.
"Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife! How do you kill someone with a spoon?"
I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."
...I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor? Really?
Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.
It's all about the star he ploughs.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
t a wrecking ball it's one of Chuck Norris testicles.
Kim Hard Ashy Hand
They decide to throw a coin.
Cannavino: "If the number is up, OS/2 will be the new standard, if it’s head Windows95 will be the new standard."
Gates: "Hey, you forgot Windows NT."
Cannavino: "No, I didn’t. If the coin falls on end, Windows NT will be the future."
JFK was mind blown
is because if any working celebrities did they would quickly become a mostly out of work Hollywood celebrity.
We would be able to see a celebrity apprentice with only congressmen and women. It would be nice to see them work for a change.
we would still end up with celebrity idiots in government.
Ocra Winfrey
The bartender turns to him and says,
"Hey, you're quite a celebrity, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at him surprised, and says,
"You have a drink called Steve?"
According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating?
Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.
Reese with her spoon.
Apparently gay rabbit wasn't what he expected
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